How to survive a divorce after 50 years - advice from a psychologist for women and men

It is common to believe that people who have been married for many years are the most stable couples, from whom breakup is least expected. However, divorce between a man and a woman over 50 is becoming increasingly common. In one case, a quiet, measured life against the backdrop of different interests gradually alienates partners from each other, reducing former feelings to nothing.

Divorce between a man and a woman over 50 is becoming increasingly common.

In another case, a suddenly disrupted habitual way of a quiet family life, namely the emergence of a man’s passion on the side (be it a younger woman, gambling, or worse - alcohol and drugs), also separates people on opposite sides of the barricades. There can be many reasons, but in the end there is only one problem - to survive the loss and start a new life when you no longer want anything at all.

Divorce after fifty: reasons

After decades of living together, the initiator of divorce is more often a man than a woman. The most common reasons for divorce:

• midlife crisis that occurs at the age of 45–50 years;
• the partner does not feel support and looks for it on the side;
• decreased sexual desire in spouses;
• frequent quarrels;
• alcoholism and tyranny of her husband;
• passivity of one of the partners;
• caring for the family rests on the shoulders of women for many years;
• everyday problems accumulate and are not solved.

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Consequences of divorce at 50

Usually, by the age of fifty, life becomes more measured and predictable, and global changes are perceived very hard by a person. Therefore, if one of the spouses proposes to divorce, most likely this is not a spontaneous, but a balanced and deliberate decision, and the reasons for voicing it have accumulated over the years.

Divorce at this age is stressful for both parties, but it is much more difficult for the spouse who was not the instigator of the separation to survive what is happening.

First of all, psychological problems may arise:

• obsessive fear of lonely old age;
• a persistent feeling of inferiority and uselessness;
• thoughts about the purposelessness of life and the years lived together;
• disappointment and distrust, even hatred of the opposite sex;
• apathy to what is happening around;
• fear and reluctance to any changes;
• prolonged depression.

The consequences of a depressed psychological state can be: sleep and appetite disturbances, decreased ability to work, the emergence of painful attachments, addiction to alcohol, and sexual disorders.

In addition, during and after the divorce, difficulties of a material and other nature may arise:

• division of property and exchange of living space, the need to move and change the usual living conditions;
• a decrease in income, resulting in the need to save and deny oneself the usual benefits;
• the need to do not only women's, but also men's housework, performing tasks unusual for oneself.

Don't get hung up on sad thoughts, but try to keep yourself busy with something. Find a new job or hobby.

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How can a woman survive a divorce?

It is more difficult for a woman over 50–60 years old to go through a divorce than a man. Most representatives of the fair sex at this age consider themselves unattractive, worry about the judgment of loved ones and are afraid to even think about a new marriage. Thoughts about old age and a wasted life not only do not help a woman cope with the psychological trauma of a breakup, but also aggravate it.

It’s better to think about what will make a free woman happy now, and learn to enjoy pleasant little things. The children are already grown, it's time to take care of themselves. Traveling, playing sports or music, dancing or another hobby will enrich your life with new impressions and acquaintances. Communication with children and grandchildren, favorite knitting (which, like other hobbies, can become a new business) or gardening - all this helps to cope with divorce and learn to live in a new way.

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New life

Divorce can cause enormous heartache, but perhaps the happiest time of your life is yet to come. As shown by the results of studies conducted by the analytical agency Age Wave and Merrill Lynch, people are happiest between 65 and 74 years old. Many people simply don’t realize that life doesn’t end at 50. When you retire, you will no longer have to get up early every morning for work. You will be able to fully devote yourself to your hobbies and interests, relax more and enjoy all the joys of life. Therefore, even if you are faced with a divorce, you should not give up on yourself. Try to rethink everything and set your life priorities correctly.

How can a man continue to live?

Men are less emotional and open. In appearance, it may seem that the spouse is indifferent, but he is also worried about the separation. This is especially true when a wife files for divorce; many men are extremely confused and cannot come to their senses for a long time.

Some husbands passionately desire revenge on their ex-wife, not realizing that both are more or less to blame for the breakdown of the family. Cursing, insulting and making a woman uncomfortable will not make a man feel better. It is better to find the strength to forgive each other and part with dignity, giving everyone a chance for a happy life apart.

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Rules for a good divorce

In general, divorce is a useful thing if you know how to handle it. Yes, of course, it's terrible. But not horror-horror-horror. Every minute, I think 12 couples get divorced. Plus or minus. You just need to make up your mind and continue discussing the technical details. The “horror-horror” is not about divorce at all, but about the life together of two people who have not loved each other for a long time.

Sources

• https://NetRazvodam.ru/zhizn-posle-razvoda/60-let.html
• https://womanclub.online/stati/razvod-posle-60-let
• https://ProstoZnat.ru/razvod-v-pozhilom-vozraste/
• https://zen.yandex.ru/media/nemnogoza60/razvod-posle-60-let-kak-jenscine-ne-soiti-suma-5e914b6e4b3ad201b9ee70cf
• https://VsemoBrake.ru/other/razvod-v-60-let.html
• https://zhengazeta.ru/psihologija/otnoshenija/kak-perezhit-razvod-v-zrelom-vozraste
• https://www.psychologies.ru/story/kak-perejit-razvod-v-zrelom-vozraste/

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Divorce and adult children – natural and step-children

Preserving a marriage for the sake of a child is a common mistake of parents, from which not only adults, but also the children themselves suffer, since the husband and wife are unhappy together, and the atmosphere in the house is at least tense. If the relationship has exhausted itself and the children have grown up, it is especially not worth living together, creating the appearance of a family.

Regardless of whether the child is your own or someone else’s (adopted, daughter or son of a spouse from a previous marriage), the main thing is not to turn him against the other parent. Personal relationships should never concern children, much less negatively influence them.

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When a woman decides to divorce

But it is not always the man who initiates the breakup. You will often meet a woman in this role, even if she has lived in a happy marriage for 10–12, or even 15 years. There comes a moment when she understands that she not only cannot live with this man, but also does not want to. Why is this happening? Situations vary, but most often, women file for divorce when:

• the man abuses alcohol. He drinks often and a lot. In the end, the woman cannot stand his behavior and breaks off the family relationship;
• The man in the family behaves passively. He is satisfied with everything, he does not want to change anything, does not make any decisions, placing all responsibility on his wife’s shoulders. Many women tolerate this state of affairs, but all patience comes to an end. The wife files for divorce and becomes independent;
• A woman’s decision to change her life, even at 50 years old, will be influenced by the influence of someone else’s man. A new gentleman appears, with whom the woman feels young, beautiful and desired again.

Is there life after divorce?

Both men and women over 50 should understand that life does not end after a divorce, and how they will continue to live depends only on themselves. If a person convinces himself that he is already old and will spend the rest of his life regretting the days he has lived, so be it.

Psychologists recommend remembering old dreams and desires, making new acquaintances or spending more time on your favorite activities. Although going through a divorce after 50 years is really difficult, both spouses need to cope with it. This is the only way they can be happy.

Divorce after 60 can be painful, but at least it's no longer taboo. This is also a problem that more and more women of our generation are facing. In fact, I would guess that about half of the women in our society have been divorced at least once in their lives.

I'm one of them. It took me months to get back to normal. My trust and self-confidence took years to return to normal.

This article will discuss the pros and cons of divorce after 60 years. Divorce changes us fundamentally. In the beginning, this increases our insecurity.

But in the long run, it can be an opportunity for growth and happiness. At the end of the painful process, a new woman appears.

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In what situations is a man the initiator?

From early childhood, girls hear the words that the husband in the family is the head, and the wife is her neck, where the neck turns, the head looks there.
So it turns out later that this neck is always busy. Quite often, many everyday problems fall on women’s shoulders, even those that have long been considered men’s, for example, hammering a nail, changing a light bulb, connecting and setting something up. Sometimes this happens immediately after the wedding, sometimes a little later, after 10, 12, 15 years. When a child appears in the family, a woman’s responsibilities increase: housekeeping, cooking, washing, activities with the baby. But men only earn money, and even then not always. When a woman is only a housewife, this state of affairs does not bother her. But in modern society, the female half of the population tries to work, and on an equal basis with the male half. Sitting at home, doing household chores and caring for children, a woman often feels guilty because she does not earn money, but only spends it.

Trying to compensate for her situation, she gets used to saving primarily on herself. The philosophy of a loving woman and mother does not allow this to be done on her beloved man or her own children. Over time, such saving becomes a habit that remains for the rest of your life. Accordingly, by the age of 50, a woman, even a very beautiful one, turns into a dishwasher and cook. She doesn’t buy clothes for herself, doesn’t visit beauty salons, and doesn’t take care of herself.

What about the husband? And a man usually does not change his lifestyle, lives the same way as 10, 12, 15 years ago, without denying himself anything and looking at beautiful and well-groomed women. A man more and more often reproaches a woman for looking bad, dressing unfashionably, and generally not taking care of her appearance. But the wife saves on this so that the husband does not deny himself anything. However, there comes a time when a man leaves the family.

First, a mistress appears, and it is not always a young girl. Very often, older men pay attention to beautiful and well-groomed older women. These always know their worth and look amazing. The wife of her husband looked after and cherished, and the mistress will demand such an attitude towards herself, she can humiliate and insult, but for the man, all the same, she will remain a queen.

Women must understand that under no circumstances should they take on family problems and obligations, either immediately after marriage or after 25 years of marriage.

But if a divorce has already happened, what can a woman do? How can she continue to live? How to survive everything? After all, now she is only an ex-wife, whose age has passed the 50th mark.

Why is divorce after 60 so common?

What's driving this trend? Perhaps these couples were never truly happy. Or maybe they were no longer meeting each other's needs or were waiting for their children to leave home.

Perhaps we simply have more time in our years, with fewer family and work commitments, to re-evaluate our lives and the people in them. Or maybe we feel like we have less time to do all the things that weren't accomplished in an unhappy marriage. Now I want to give some practical advice on how to survive divorce at 60.

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Financial planning

It will allow you to get through divorce and lack of money as painlessly as possible, and will also prepare you for the difficult times ahead. But it is very difficult to understand all aspects on your own. It is best to seek help from qualified specialists with extensive experience. They will draw up the most optimal pension plan, advise on available government support programs and talk about possible tax breaks.

In addition, for some married couples, the division of living space is very important. Financial advisors will be able to create an appropriate strategy and choose the best course of action to protect each party from ruin before retirement.

Keep calm

Divorce brings up unwanted and sometimes irrational emotions. We suffer from fear - fear of the unknown, fear of loneliness, fear of losing friends or status in society. We experience feelings of shock, sadness and loss.

All these emotions are understandable, but if left unchecked, they prevent us from moving forward. If you are going through a painful divorce after a long marriage, keep in mind that your identity and self-worth are not defined by one man or one relationship. Most women come out of divorce stronger than ever.

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Have your worst fears come true?

Write down 3 tips that your divorce after 60 years gives you the opportunity to live better. Most of all, remind yourself that you are worthy of love and support. You have the opportunity to create a wonderful life for yourself, whether you are married or not.

Don't waste time on regrets. Women who experience divorce after age 60 typically experience feelings of grief, guilt, or even shame. Although much of the cultural stigma associated with divorce has diminished, natural sadness and regret remain. It is important that these negative emotions do not drag you down.

Spend time with people you love and trust. Participate in activities that you enjoy. Stay active in the community and in your career (if you're still working) or volunteer.

The best way to avoid negative emotions is to fill your life with positive experiences. So don't wall yourself off by harboring regrets and self-pity. An unhappy marriage in which communication was stressful or harmful may make you afraid to interact with people again.

Take care of your finances and other practical matters. Disagreements over money are the leading cause of divorce. Whatever you do, don't put your head in the sand when it comes to talking about money.

When I went through my divorce after 60 years, I remember the last thing I wanted to talk about was how to divide our assets. I remember thinking: “I don’t want anything from him! » Luckily, a good friend encouraged me to get professional support.

Don't sell yourself. Even if your husband was primarily responsible for making and managing the money, you still have rights.

Involving professionals does not mean that you will face a “messy divorce” or that it will drag on. In many cases the opposite is true. By having professional representation on both sides, you can separate the emotional issues that led to your breakup from practical considerations for your future.

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If you have children together

If you have children together who are already adults and living their own lives, do not be afraid to tell them about what happened. But under no circumstances turn them against their father! Your personal problems should not affect your children. Gather as before at the family table on holidays - they will be very pleased.

If you have minor children together, do not prevent the father from participating in their lives. Let them see each other, communicate, the child should feel the father’s love and receive life experience from him. Whatever happens between you, it is not the child's fault - he loves you both just as much as before, and he needs the attention of both parents.

Remember that we build our own destiny. And if a misfortune happens, you can’t give up and go with the flow - you can survive anything. We need to move on, and time will heal and put everything in its place.

Talk to your children

Divorce can be difficult for children, even as adults. Ironically, your children may experience the same emotions you do—sadness, shock, and regret. They may also wonder how your separation will affect the family.

For example, they may wonder what will happen to family traditions. They may ask, “Where are we going for Christmas? ", "How can we tell our grandchildren?

Encourage them to share their feelings and give them space to move on. Remind them that they will continue to have a relationship with both you and your ex-spouse. Tell them you don't need or want them to "pick sides."

They can make their own decisions. No matter how old they are, children really just want their mother to be happy and will generally be supportive as you move towards a new and happy life.

Channel your children's energy into helping you begin the next amazing chapter of your life. Tell them about your dreams and aspirations. Share your fears, but try not to blame your ex-husband publicly. Over time, your family will become stronger than ever as you pursue your passions.

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Property division

Divorcing people tend to be in long-term marriages. Therefore, all their property was acquired through joint labor. Therefore, it is likely that it will be divided equally between both spouses. This applies not only to assets, but also to financial responsibilities and debts. Therefore, hire a good lawyer who specializes in resolving family conflicts and try to ensure that everything in the divorce process is divided 50/50 between you and your partner. As practice shows, in the vast majority of cases it is possible to reach a compromise that suits everyone.

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Find time for yourself

Don't punish yourself. It's not your fault that everything turned out this way. Give yourself permission to do what you enjoy.

Go for long walks. Join a yoga class. Spend time with people you love.

Remind yourself of the many things in life that you still enjoy. Think about how love comes in many forms. You probably won't want to enter the dating world for a while after getting divorced after 60, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the company of others, including men.

Above all else, remind yourself every day that you deserve to be happy. You are a good person worthy of the affection of others, regardless of the reasons for your separation.

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Divorce at 45, woman and society

Those whose lives are divided into “before” and “after” are wondering how to live after a divorce for a woman at 45? Such questions are caused by the fear of loneliness, a feeling of uselessness. They are fueled by a society in which such a late separation is considered shameful and humiliating, even if it occurred on the woman’s initiative.

According to statistics, in most cases it is the man who initiates divorce after 45 years.

Life after a divorce at 45 is frightening with the unknown, so a woman can cling to any opportunity to maintain the appearance of family and well-being. If the feelings have faded away, the husband treats him badly, there is no point in maintaining such a union. Before making a decision, it is important to understand that you should not be guided by other people’s opinions, otherwise it will affect the woman’s psychological and physical health.

To survive a separation from your husband, you need to be positive and look for the positive aspects of this step.

Don't be afraid to ask for help

How to Get Over Divorce at 60 - It's going to be hard, but you don't have to do it alone. Maintaining social connections and making new friends is especially important for women, don't allow yourself to become isolated and don't make the mistake of thinking you're alone and no one cares. Reach out to your circle of friends. Ask for help and you will get it.

If you approach the situation with optimism, energy and openness, divorce after 60 can be the start of a new, happy life. All my friends who went through divorce ended up looking slimmer, younger, happier and more independent. Listen to the advice of a psychologist and the recommendations of women from the forum about divorce after 60 years:

• Give yourself time and try not to turn to alcohol.
• Take as much time as you need to grieve.
• Open a new chapter in your life. Stop reading old ones.
• Don't forget to make friends. They are your support, your understanding and your company.
• During my divorce, I finally realized my potential.
• Celebrate wildly! Realize that you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, where you want and with whomever you want.
• Being alone is better than being with anyone.

It's never too late to start over! Give yourself time to adapt and enjoy your new independence.

Just a few decades ago, divorce was a rather rare phenomenon, out of the ordinary. Today, this will not surprise anyone: people get married, for one reason or another they separate and divorce, and then find a partner again. It is also important to note that, unlike in previous times, this no longer causes any condemnation from others.

Over the entire existence of divorce practice, certain statistics have emerged. According to it, the highest percentage of divorces occurs in the first 4-5 years of marriage. Psychologists say that in most cases, spouses separate due to their practical and emotional unpreparedness for family life. They literally fail to respect, support and appreciate each other. However, many do not even manage to organize their lives and distribute responsibilities. This is usually discovered already in the first years of marriage, hence these statistics.

However, in recent years, a rather unusual trend has begun to be noted: an increase in the number of divorces in adulthood. It would seem that after twenty or thirty years of living together, people, on the contrary, should have gotten used to each other, got used to it. And then - divorce.

Why? Of course, everything has its reasons.

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Life after a breakup

It seems that at the age of 50 it is easier to come to terms with the status of a widowed spouse than to realize the fact that the partner with whom you lived for many years preferred a different life.

When experiencing a divorce, like any grief, a person goes through 5 stages known in psychology:

1. negation. At first it seems like a joke. Or maybe a thoughtlessly dropped phrase. Or a threat uttered in the heat of an argument. A person strenuously refuses to believe in what is happening and denies it in all possible ways and arguments;
2. anger . All past grievances, undeserved reproaches, omissions, complaints are remembered. The injured party begins to actively hate his spouse, everything and everyone connected with him. Relatives, mutual friends, happily living married couples can also become the object of anger, although they do not deserve it;
3. bidding . Or maybe we won't get divorced? Or maybe we’ll get divorced, but live together? How about I let you walk, drink, break dishes, just you stay with me? At this stage, one of the spouses will try in every possible way to restrain the other, consciously or unconsciously resorting to various tricks. These could be health complaints, spontaneous sex, recalling the memory of past years, demonstrative care, and much more. At this stage, the injured party will be desperate to improve the relationship, not wanting to admit that it is over;
4. depression . When all possible ways to return a spouse have been exhausted, and the realization comes that it is not possible to save the marriage, the person withdraws into himself, becomes apathetic, and becomes fixated on his suffering. This stage can be one of the longest;
5. Adoption . It comes suddenly and finally. At one point, a person who was once happily married realizes the value of his freedom and the changes that have happened to him. The “divorced” status does not cause pain or discomfort, life is filled with new impressions, and only memories of the past are preserved.

Psychologists say that the experience of divorce lasts on average a year and a half, so you should not hope that emotions will subside in a few months while the legal procedure for divorce lasts.

The injured party can go in circles between the 4 stages, either denying what is happening, or getting angry and depressed. However, you shouldn’t indulge yourself with illusions that your spouse will return. According to statistics, only 7% of couples withdraw their divorce petition while the case is pending.

If more than two years have passed since the divorce, and you are still acutely worried about this, seek help from a specialist.

Reasons for divorce in old age

The reasons for divorce after many years of marriage can be very diverse. However, the most common of them can still be considered. This is what we will do now:

1. Mismatch of worldviews. It seems that this reason should have “emerged” at the “premarital” stage of the relationship. But here, it turns out, everything is not so simple. When young people first start dating, they try to find as much in common as possible. At the same time, they often do not pay attention to significant differences in values ​​and views. This is best facilitated by the reigning atmosphere of romance. Having gotten married, they find themselves in a series of worries: buying their own home, arranging their home, having and raising children. Where is the time to think about relationships and spiritual intimacy with a partner? But after twenty-five years of marriage, when all the children are already “settled in” and have their own families, there are much fewer worries and finally there is an opportunity to get to know your partner better. This is where older spouses sometimes begin to realize how different they are. Then you get the feeling that throughout your entire life there has been a person nearby, essentially a complete stranger. This usually creates frustration and fear. It becomes difficult for spouses to communicate and spend time together. The result is a divorce after many years of a completely prosperous family life.
2. No children. Today, very often, young spouses consciously postpone the birth of a child “until later,” while organizing their own lives and focusing on their careers. Then, when they finally decide to have children, it often turns out that they have already lost their reproductive ability. And if at a young age the absence of a child is compensated by other affairs and worries, then over the years older spouses still experience some feeling of loneliness. Family life begins to seem empty and meaningless. In such situations, divorce seems to be the only possible solution. It is not for nothing that, according to sociological surveys, most people believe that children significantly strengthen the family. True, there is one caveat: the relationship between spouses must be initially healthy and prosperous.
3. Dependencies. It is immediately worth noting that various types of addictions are one of the most common causes of divorce in old age. Everything here seems quite logical: in the first years of life together, a bad habit does not yet have time to develop into a serious illness. Of course, most often we are talking about addiction to alcohol - alcoholism. It is safe to say that it was this disease that upset the largest number of families. Although sometimes other addictions also deceive people: for cigarettes, for food, for computer games. Usually, the addiction of one of the partners becomes the cause of numerous family quarrels. The spouses gradually move away from each other, becoming strangers. Admitting a loss in the “war” against addiction most often ends in divorce.
4. Sexual dissatisfaction. Many mature couples most likely admit that over time their sex life together becomes less intense and varied than in their youth. And some even begin to forget about it. And it’s good if such “fading” occurs simultaneously for both spouses. It often happens that while one of the spouses refuses to have sex, the other experiences a rather intense sexual need. His dissatisfaction often leads to increased tension between partners, deterioration of relationships and, finally, to divorce.
5. Cheating on one of the spouses. Neither young families nor elderly are equally immune from it. There are cases when spouses, faithful to each other throughout their lives, first encounter betrayal only in adulthood. Moreover, as a rule, men “go to the left”. On this occasion, people usually recall the well-known saying: “Grey hair in the beard, a devil in the rib.”

In fact, the whole truth is that men usually remain sexually active longer than women. The inability to have sex with his wife pushes the spouse to cheat. The new “chosen ones,” as you might guess, are younger ladies.

Although, for the sake of fairness, it is worth noting that recently cases have become more frequent when it is a woman who leaves for another partner. One way or another, there is only one outcome - divorce.

So, the conclusion suggests itself: no matter what age spouses get divorced, the reasons for this are always approximately the same. Although, as you can see, there are also some nuances here.

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Look to the future

Learn to meet life changes halfway, even if they are absolutely negative. Any change is a step forward. You have been married for more than 30 years, but a divorce occurred. This is not the end of life, but the beginning of new moments. Perceive the situation in this way. Divorcing a 60-year-old man gives you the opportunity to arrange your life the way you want.

Likewise, a man should not perceive divorce after 60 as a tragedy. You can do what you love, devoting as much time to it as you need. Try to find positive moments in any situation. Think of divorce as a path to freedom, and getting over the breakup will be much easier.

Many divorced couples pay too much attention to public opinion. Sometimes it is because of him that they continue to live with an unloved person. But, there comes a time when the relationship finally becomes obsolete and divorce becomes the only right decision.

Protect yourself from negative communication. Remember that endless complaints and tears do not please others. They may sympathize with you for a while, but then they will avoid such communication. Everyone likes successful, positive people. So be like that. Look to the future, it exists for any age.