How to get your loved one back after divorce: advice from a psychologist

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Restoration of marriage after divorce is the legal right of citizens whose relationships are registered by the registry office. It is enshrined in the norms of family law and provides several grounds for implementing the procedure. Life circumstances can be completely different; a spouse could move to another city or lose his documents. In this case, the divorce process takes place in court, which means the presence of one of the parties is not necessary. That is why the legislator has provided a procedure for restoring the marriage union, through which the divorce is annulled and legally significant consequences occur. Read about all this and much more in our article.

Attention! If you have any questions, you can chat for free with a lawyer at the bottom of the screen or call Moscow; Saint Petersburg; Free call for all of Russia.

Cases of marriage restoration

Family law is closely intertwined with civil law, so you should turn to the latter. Art. 42 and the Civil Code of the Russian Federation regulate the grounds and procedure for recognizing a person as missing and deceased. Thus, in a unilateral judicial procedure, a marriage union can disintegrate in the following cases:

1. If one of the spouses is declared dead by a court decision, then within the meaning of Art. 16 of the RF IC, the marriage is considered dissolved.
2. By a court decision, the citizen is missing - in accordance with Art. 19 of the RF IC, the marriage union breaks up.

In the situations considered, the divorce procedure follows general conditions and does not differ from the dissolution of official relations for other reasons. The only difference is the possibility of renewing the marriage or annulling the divorce process. In accordance with Art. 26 of the RF IC, the restoration of marriage after divorce is based on a set of grounds:

1. The appearance of a spouse who was previously declared dead or absent by court decision.
2. Cancellation of a judicial act on the grounds provided for by law. These include the provision of false information by the parties.
3. The spouses submit a mutual decision to the civil registry office with a request to restore the marital relationship.
4. Neither party has a new marriage.

The considered list of the totality of grounds is exhaustive, which means that other grounds for restoring a marriage after a divorce are impossible in practice. In accordance with Art. 26 of the RF IC, a marriage can be restored only if all the specified conditions are met simultaneously.

IMPORTANT

If the spouses decide to renew the marriage some time after the divorce, the renewal procedure does not apply. However, the legislator makes it possible to register a new marriage relationship with the same citizen; there is no prohibition on this.

Getting back together after divorce - 4 ways to get your family back

One of the most unpleasant moments after a divorce is the uncertainty. Even after deciding to break up and going through multi-stage and complex legal procedures, we may still experience regret and a desire to restore the past for a long time. How reasonable is this desire and is it worth getting together after a divorce?

Fall in love again

The desire to return to a former partner overrides all arguments and is primarily reinforced by the conviction that the breakup was a mistake. After a divorce, the husband does not express his feelings as actively as his wife, but this can only increase the drama of the moment. This is what you should check first. There are a percentage of cases where “slamming the door” seems like the best option. These are, as a rule, young couples who have no experience in solving problems.

There are other examples - when partners are attracted to each other simply out of habit, when they are unable to cope with loneliness, when they want to feel that you still have support in this world. Such meetings are normal, since the memory of feelings cannot be switched off in an instant. But these can hardly be called attempts to renew love.

Forgive and forget

In understanding forgiveness, we often interpret the meaning of complete acceptance of the situation without taking into account the feelings of resentment, disappointment and anger that we experienced. In addition, this can also be associated with new expectations - since I have forgiven, it means that he must understand and change. After a divorce, a husband and wife try to discard the past, although it would be more correct to properly re-evaluate it.

It is a mistake to think that an adult will change or that you can change your attitude towards something you don’t like. Reconciliation is more likely in cases where you understand what exactly you didn’t like and why. You also realize what kind of person you are dealing with. A second chance is given to couples who do not forgive and forget, but draw conclusions about whether in this real situation it is possible to be together and enjoy it.

Don't live in the past

It happens that a relationship actually ended a long time ago, but there is a feeling that it is still relevant. In reality, it looks like plans and expectations. You are watching a movie and thinking about what your partner would say, walking in the park and looking for a free bench with two seats, etc.

Such fantasies may visit you up to several years after the breakup, but you should still focus on what is actually happening. If you haven’t gone to the movies for a long time and he doesn’t call, you’ll have to say goodbye to self-deception.

Change completely

When a family ends in monotonous conflicts and boredom, this most likely indicates that the partners are caught in a vicious circle. People break up not because the relationship has no future, but because they want change. It is possible to renew such a connection only at a new stage, but for this you will have to change yourself.

Often we cover up the fear of letting something new into our lives with complaints about what is happening to us now. The partner is the first to be hit. It's harmful to focus on relationships and try to move your whole life there.

Andrey Kurpatov, psychotherapist, author of popular books on psychology in the book “7 True Stories. How to survive a divorce” provides several conditions for a crisis in the family to be overcome constructively:

1. Awareness of mutual responsibility for the relationship.

2. Willingness to be honest.

3. The ability to admit your weaknesses.

4. Lack of accounts with a partner: who did more, who has it harder.

5. The ability to understand why a partner acts this way and not otherwise.

6. A sincere desire to see him happy.

Compliance with at least half of these conditions makes it easier and more profitable for both parties to survive and get out of any family crisis.

Who can restore a marriage after divorce?

Part 1 art. 26 of the RF IC indicates that only a civil registry office employee can renew a marriage after its dissolution. In this case, it is mandatory for both spouses to contact the administrative authority.

You need to understand that not everyone has the right to submit such an application. If the spouses dissolve the marriage by mutual consent, there can be no talk about the procedure for restoring the marriage after a divorce. The law allows it only in cases of unilateral separation, when there was a judicial act with a decision to recognize one of the spouses as missing or dead.

How to restore family relationships

When discord begins in a family, everyone suffers, no matter from which side the trouble came. Most often, discord begins due to the husband's betrayal. A woman usually finds out about this by chance or her friends will tell her that her husband went to the left.

How to live after betrayal

No one knows this for sure, not even psychologists! Many women, even after betrayal, remain to live with an unfaithful husband, turning a blind eye to the betrayal.

But there are determined women who push the unfaithful out of the door, while continuing to love him. They say it’s not scary if you accidentally cheated once, it’s worse when you leave for someone else.

Psychologists say: one should not think that a husband easily separates from his wife. After all, after parting, he comes to someone else’s family, sees someone else’s woman, someone else’s children, someone else’s environment. Almost every infidel wants to run back. That's what they do.

How to deal with a prodigal husband? You can file for divorce. It’s good that they don’t give you a divorce right away, so you’ll have to stay together for a while. At this time, you need to try to revive faded feelings.

To do this, you need to start changing for the better so that your husband notices it. And the husband needs to become more attentive and caring. The main thing is to stop the flow of mutual reproaches and accusations. Hence the key advice: do not remember old grievances, do not nag each other, keep your mouth shut.

If the chance is not missed, the family can recover. It’s bad if the husband leaves the family forever. When breaking up, a wise woman should not block the door, cry, beg, or scold her mistress. Is it worth lamenting if he made his choice?

Interesting advice from a psychologist: don’t help him pack his things. Let him puff on his own.

After the breakup

Almost none of the husbands leave forever. Returns are always possible. Now the wife will decide whether to accept or not.

After a breakup, you should not take the initiative to meet, and you should not invite the cheater back to the family. The longer he lives outside the family, the heavier the burden of the new family will become, the faster the tenderness of his mistress will disappear.

It has been noted many times that after a divorce, after living with someone else’s woman, men value their family more.

Required documents

The procedure for restoring a marriage after a divorce is divided into two large stages, so the packages of documents will be different. First of all, a citizen must go to court and provide the following documents:

1. Statement of claim.
2. The applicant's passport or other document that will prove his identity.
3. Receipt for payment of state duty.
4. A court decision declaring a person dead or absent.
5. Documents confirming the stated position, these can be receipts, checks, certificates. This also includes the testimony of witnesses.

A claim for restoration of marriage after divorce can be found here.

For your information

This is a universal form that contains general information; you must supplement it with your own details and nuances. If the claim is reasoned and detailed, the likelihood of a positive court decision will be high.

After the judicial process of restoring the marriage has ended, the administrative procedure begins - an appeal to the registry office. To do this, you should collect another package of documents:

1. Documents confirming the identity of each party.
2. A court ruling containing a note on the annulment of the first decision declaring a person dead or missing.
3. A statement from both spouses requesting restoration of the marriage after divorce.
4. Receipt for payment of state duty.

A citizen’s passport may be lost or destroyed, and the restoration process is quite lengthy, so a temporary certificate can be provided to the registry office.

A sample application for making corrections to a civil status record is available.

Attention

The proposed form is universal and suitable for absolutely any entry. Civil registry office employees in some cases provide a form upon application, helping to fill it out.

Step-by-step instructions for restoring your marriage after divorce

The process of restoring a marriage after divorce, as previously mentioned, is divided into two stages. These should be considered in turn. Within the meaning of Article 44 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, if the spouse appears, he or a third party must apply to the court with the appropriate claim and appendices to it. In accordance with Art. 280 Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation, the sequence of actions is as follows:

1. Drawing up a statement of claim, which will reflect the demand to annul the previous divorce decision.
2. Collecting a list of applications that supplement the claim, it was listed above.
3. Within 5 days from the date of submission of documents to the court, the judge must consider the issue of accepting the claim for proceedings, this is enshrined in Art. 133 Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation.
4. A preliminary court hearing is scheduled, during which preparations for the main hearing take place. The judge listens to the positions of the parties, requests the necessary documents, evaluates the evidence base, and schedules the main hearing. This requirement is established by Art. 152, 153 Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation.
5. Within the meaning of Art. 155 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation, a trial takes place, during which the parties and witnesses speak, and all evidence is examined. Based on the results, a court ruling is made. It indicates whether the decision to recognize the citizen as dead or missing is initially annulled.
6. In accordance with Art. 321 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation, within 30 days from the announcement of the determination, it enters into legal force and begins to operate. A month is given for one of the parties to appeal the decision.

After the judicial act has entered into legal force and has been received by the applicant, the next stage of the procedure for restoring marriage after divorce can begin. In accordance with Art. 75 of the Federal Law “On Acts of Civil Status” No. 143, the registry office can cancel a record only by court decision. Thus, the administrative process is organized as follows:

1. In accordance with Art. 75 Federal Law No. 143, citizens must contact the civil registry office where the divorce took place.
2. Collect the necessary documents, the list of which was established earlier.
3. If we are talking about recognizing a citizen as dead, you need to apply to cancel the death record, on the basis of which the marriage will be restored after a divorce.
4. If a person was previously declared missing, a mutual application must be submitted to restore the divorce record.
5. Within 30 days, in accordance with Art. 72 Federal Law No. 143, the Civil Registry Office staff reviews the application and makes a corresponding note in the register.
6. At the specified date and time, you must appear at the registry office and receive a marriage certificate again.

IMPORTANT
The procedure for restoring a marriage after a divorce varies in length; in practice, the total duration is about 3 months. At the same time, everything is not as complicated as it might seem at first glance. The main thing is the consent of both parties, as well as the absence of new registered marital relations for each spouse. These requirements are provided for in Art. 26 IC RF.

Recommendations for those who are looking for ways to reunite with a loved one after divorce

First of all, it is necessary to take an objective view of the existing circumstances and conduct a deep analysis of married life before separation.
Answer yourself honestly the following questions:

1. What is the real reason for divorce?
2. When did the series of disagreements that preceded a breakup begin?
3. What format of communication was the norm in the couple?
4. What did you want to change?
5. Was your union built on true and mutual feelings?
6. How do you assess the chances (yours and your partner’s) of renewing the relationship?
7. Are you ready to change for the benefit of a new union with your ex-spouse?
8. Will you now be able to accept those shortcomings of your partner for which you previously reproached him?

You can answer these questions while sitting in front of the mirror. This “talk to yourself” will help you look at the situation from a different perspective. Looking into your own eyes, you will not just duplicate thoughts out loud, but you will be able to see facial expressions, emotions, and perhaps there will be tears.

According to experts, this practice helps a person free himself from the negativity that has accumulated as a result of mental torment, better understand himself and learn to set priorities.
Try to answer the questions in more detail, and add others if you wish. Feel free to talk about your mistakes, list everything that, in your opinion, your ex-spouse is to blame for.

Practice shows that it is more difficult for a person to open up to himself than in a conversation with other people. But in this way it is easier to understand the shortcomings of one’s own behavior.

After completing such introspection, it is time to consider a strategy for returning your loved one to the family, provided that you have weighed everything and made a positive decision.

The most important thing is to find as many unobtrusive reasons for communication as possible. Because if you pursue your love everywhere with pleas for reciprocity, then there is a risk of pushing the person away from you, causing irritation in him. He will begin to avoid and avoid you.

The best option would be to communicate based on interests. For example: discuss the child’s school grades, his health, successes and failures. If the couple did not have children, then perhaps you jointly “raised” a pet, which now really misses one of you.

Perhaps the ex-spouses work in the same field and are somehow connected by work projects. This will also favor frequent, casual contacts. In this case, it is important not to allow emotional impulses to intersect with the subject of communication. This creates the risk of “scaring off” the partner(s), recalling the previous unsuccessful life in marriage.

In addition, look for ways to have informal contacts with your loved one. There is an option to organize a holiday to entertain children (birthday, picnic, school graduation, exam, etc.). At these events, behave kindly and calmly.

Make it clear how harmonious and non-conflict you are. Be in front of your ex-spouse all the time, but communicate with the guests of the holiday and children. Only occasionally, with a smile, contact your loved one with an unobtrusive request or compliment.

An excellent way to regain the trust and respect of your ex-husband/wife is to maintain good relations with his/her parents. They will be able to give wise advice and persuade their “child” to reconsider their position.

If you have common family friends, in whose couples light feelings and harmony reign, then it makes sense to meet with them more often. Under the pretext of “gathering according to tradition,” you can organize excellent gatherings with jokes, anecdotes, songs, and dances.

Such an evening, by the way, can end quite happily for both of you. The realization that you are “no longer together,” but you feel good together, will cause a wave of mutual flirting, which will allow you not to plunge into the old routine, and will give you a chance for a new future.

Time frame for restoring marriage after divorce

The timing of the procedure for restoring a marriage after a divorce is a rather complex issue that depends on external factors. The duration of the trial can be a month or more. This is due to the process of requesting the necessary documents and searching for evidence. If some difficulties or controversial situations arise, the court hearing will be postponed, which means the process of renewing the marriage after a divorce may be delayed.

Regarding the civil registry office, it should be noted that within the meaning of Art. 72 Federal Law No. 143, the duration of the administrative process can be a week, or maybe 2 months. This depends on the workload of employees and the search for the appropriate entry. If there is already a court decision and there are no difficulties, the registry office employees can issue a marriage certificate in 2-3 days. In cases where citizens apply outside their place of residence and need to make a request, the process of restoring a marriage after a divorce may take 2 months.

State duty

In accordance with Art. 262 of the Code of Civil Procedure of the Russian Federation, cases related to changes in civil status records are subject to special proceedings. Consequently, the amount of state duty will differ from others. In subparagraph 8 of paragraph 1 of Art. 333.19 of the Tax Code of the Russian Federation, such types of cases are paid with a fee of 300 rubles. Thus, when filing an application to the court to restore the marriage after a divorce, you need to pay this amount.

For your information

When applying to the registry office, within the meaning of paragraph 5 of Art. 333.26 of the Tax Code of the Russian Federation, you must pay 650 rubles. This is the amount of the fee for making changes and corrections to civil registration records. We can conclude that the total amount of duties is 950 rubles.

When can they refuse to restore a marriage after a divorce?

Restoring a marriage after a divorce is a fairly narrow procedure that is not available to every category of citizen, as has already been mentioned. Yes, Art. 26 of the RF IC indicates that the renewal of a marriage union is impossible if one of two grounds exists:

1. One of the spouses is against it. For example, before a citizen was declared dead or absent, the parties wanted to file a divorce and were in a state of conflict. The dissolution of the marriage union occurred, and even after the spouse’s appearance, the relationship did not improve; one of the parties, no matter which, opposes the restoration of the marriage after the divorce.
2. In paragraph 2 of Art. 26 of the RF IC provides for an important condition - the second spouse should not be in an official relationship with a third person. However, you need to understand that if the first one appears, the second one can break the marriage union with another person, which means restoration of the marriage is possible. The appearance of a missing citizen in itself does not serve as a basis for divorce of other persons.

The legislator indicates that only one of the specified grounds is sufficient for the restoration of marriage after divorce to be denied. At the same time, the citizen who has appeared is allowed to appeal to the court to annul the previous decision, but an appeal to the registry office is prohibited.

Help from professionals, or not just the work of lawyers

So, the birthday is coming and you have met again. Don’t rush to move to a new level, remember yourself in the romantic period for the first time, “bring out” the best of the best from it. Let the relationship develop gradually, enjoying every meeting, every moment and plans for the future.

And these plans may include... a second wedding! No, you shouldn’t smile, because this is a completely understandable desire. However, what is better to do: just sign again or start the procedure for restoring a previously broken marriage? Here, each couple should decide this issue independently, but if there is no information, it is better to seek advice from an experienced lawyer. He will give complete information on the issue - and you will make a decision!

But a lawyer is not the only specialist who can help yesterday’s family recover. Practical help from a psychologist will really help make new relationships bright, interesting, and strong. And this is all for decades!

Property after restoration of marriage after divorce

In accordance with Art. 44 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, when a marriage is restored after a divorce, both property and non-property rights and obligations of the spouses are renewed. That is, after the procedure, everything returns to its place and there is no difference from an uninterrupted marriage. Regarding property, you should be aware of the following provisions:

1. According to Art. 43 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, after a person has been declared absent, employees of the guardianship authorities appoint a manager of his property. A special contract is concluded with him, the validity of which does not exceed 5 years. This period is determined by Art. 1016 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation.
2. The temporary manager must pay off all debts and realize the obligations that were assigned to the missing person, as well as transfer part of the property to the persons whom he supported. These could be minor children, disabled parents, or a spouse.
3. If a citizen is declared dead, the property is transferred according to the general rules of inheritance if there was no will.

Famous breakups

Movie stars Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton had a passionate, tumultuous relationship - the couple divorced and then got back together. They married in 1964, divorced in 1974, then remarried in 1975 and divorced again in 1976.

Rock star Pink and her husband Carey Hart married in 2006, then separated without divorcing in 2008. They started dating again in 2009 and have been together ever since.

Another rock star, Ozzy Osbourne, and his wife Sharon were married for 33 years before splitting in 2021 as a result of Ozzy's alleged affair with his stylist. Months after their split, the couple are back together.

There are many such examples. One study found that about 40% of separated couples attempted reconciliation and family reunification. Another study found that 10-17% of married couples who separated eventually got back together and lived a fairly happy life together.

What happens to the property after the marriage is restored?

What was acquired jointly regains this status and is the state of the two spouses. This rule is specified in Art. 34 of the RF IC, which specifies in detail what common property is. Regarding those objects that were the personal property of the missing/deceased person, the following rules apply:

1. According to Art. 44 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, everything that was under the control of the manager is returned to the owner on the basis of a court decision. The management agreement is terminated and ownership is restored.
2. In Part 2 of Art. 46 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation states that a person previously recognized as dead has the right to demand the return of property transferred free of charge to a relative or other citizen by inheritance.

Attention
There are some exceptions to the general rule. If funds and securities were to be transferred, and the recipient did not know that the person was alive, then the money and securities cannot be reclaimed forcibly. This is due to the fact that the recipient was mistaken in good faith. This rule is enshrined in paragraph 3 of Art. 302 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation.

The reason you broke up

If you and your spouse have separated due to an affair, some kind of addiction, or a complete loss of trust, getting back together will be very difficult. Not only will you have to rebuild your relationship, but you will also have to rebuild the trust that is at the core of a marital relationship. This does not mean that reconciliation will not work. But don't expect it to be easy.

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Children upon restoration of marriage

Restoration of marriage after divorce provides for the restoration of all rights and responsibilities of the spouses, including in relation to children. Such a marriage is subject to the general norms of family law and there are no special features. Children cease to receive benefits for the loss of a breadwinner, if one was issued; in addition, the parents are not assigned alimony obligations, because there was no divorce.

For your information

In the event that there has been a divorce, division of children, determination of their place of residence, award of alimony, restoration of the marriage is impossible. In this case, the heads and the Investigative Committee of the Russian Federation come into force.

Nuances

In matters of restoring a marriage after a divorce, it is important to understand what it means to recognize a person as dead or missing. Within the meaning of Art. 42 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, if a citizen’s place of residence is not known for one year, in addition, there is no information about the person’s phone number, contact details, he does not get in touch - all this is grounds for recognizing him as missing. If the second spouse does not submit a corresponding application to the court and does not want to officially establish the status of the missing person, but still wants to divorce, the application is considered according to the general rules. It is necessary to file a lawsuit demanding a divorce, defend your position and dissolve the marriage relationship unilaterally, then there will be no possibility of restoring the marriage after a divorce in the future.

IMPORTANT

In accordance with Art. 45 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation, a person can become dead by a court decision when there is no information about his place of residence and contact information for 5 years, but if the citizen was in life-threatening conditions in which there is a high probability of death, he is declared dead after 6 months . Part 2 of Art. applies to the military. 45 of the Civil Code of the Russian Federation - 2 years must pass from the end of hostilities for the court to recognize a serviceman as dead.

Questions to Ask

The decision to end a relationship is not made lightly. There are always reasons for this that are worth remembering. Before you try to restore your previous intimacy, you need to ask yourself a few questions:

1. 
   “Am I ready to build this relationship in a new way?”
   If you enter into the same relationship with the same thoughts and attitudes, nothing good will come of it.

   You need to listen to yourself and understand whether there is a willingness to work on building a new type of interaction.

2. “What am I ready to change about myself?” This question naturally follows from the previous one. There are always two people working in a relationship. Therefore, you need to honestly answer yourself what and how much you are ready to change in your behavior.
3. “What do I want to change in my partner?”
   We cannot change another person against his will. But it’s definitely worth finding the moments that cause rejection. This is necessary in order to later honestly voice to your partner the points at which you expect growth and change from him. Be able to distinguish between traits that a person is free to change and those that he cannot influence. For example, if you don’t like the shape of your partner’s nose or the timbre of his voice, then this is not something you need to voice to him. Talk only about what he can change.
4. “What do I expect from a partner and from a relationship”? Maximum honesty is important in this matter. You need to make sure that restoring the relationship is for the long term, and not for a temporary relief from feelings of loneliness. Otherwise it will be using a person.