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Published: 10/23/2016

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Despite all the democracy of modern society, the word “divorce” still sounds scary. Behind it lies an exhausting divorce process, conflicts, and emotional irritation.

All these events negatively affect the general psychological state and lead to depression. Parting entails a reasonable question - how to live on ?

• The face of depression
• Why is depression the first “friend” of divorce?
• Psychologists know how to return to personal harmony in the field of divorce. Men's therapy
• Women's therapy

The face of depression

Each couple separates in their own way, some are already living a separate life while married, and divorce is just a legal formality.

And for some, the news of a breakup becomes a real tragedy that needs to be accepted and somehow survived.

In any case, after the breakup of a family, men and women experience a psychologically difficult time. The question arises - how to return to normal life and harmony within yourself?

In some cases, the “victims” of divorce become depressed.

Psychologists define this illness as an affective state accompanied by the following symptoms:

• negative emotional background;
• passivity of behavior;
• changes in cognitive ideas;
• change in the motivational component.

To put it simply, a person sees life in black terms without any chance of a happy future. Therefore, he has a bad mood, sad notes and loss of strength. Any attempts to encourage the “poor fellow” to take any action come across the question “why, if nothing will change anyway?”

Why is depression the first “friend” of divorce?

Russian psychologists have calculated that more than 14 million ex-spouses suffer from depression.

This is a high figure. Symptoms can affect many people, but it is important to distinguish lingering sadness from depression.

There are several types of this psychological illness:

• Psychogenic depression is a disorder that occurs as a reaction to the loss of a loved one. This means separation. More often, this condition is inherent in men - depression, dissatisfaction with oneself and the environment, anxiety, inhibited reaction, a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness, and suicidal tendencies. Without the intervention of a specialist, such depression can become chronic.
• Endogenous depression is an internal form of disorder due to a deficiency of certain substances produced by the body. This condition requires drug treatment using psychotherapy methods. Strong feelings about divorce give impetus to the development of acute depression.

The main cause of depression after divorce is loss. Loss of a soulmate, a familiar way of life, confidence in the future.

The sufferer goes through several stages:

• denial (“I don’t believe this happened to us,” “it can still be returned,” etc.);
• anger (“how could he/she do this”, “I hate”);
• resentment (“it’s all his fault”);
• dialogue (“if only...”, “let’s try like this...”);
• awareness of what happened (“why did this happen?”);
• depression;
• acceptance of the situation (after divorce proceedings).

Experiencing depression in the ruins of family life is a common situation for women and men alike.

You need to give yourself time and opportunity to understand what happened. This stage is simply necessary.

But at the same time, there is no need to drag it out and aggravate it, otherwise the sadness will be covered in “swamp mud” and you will no longer be able to get out without the help of a psychologist.

Divorce is worse than death. How to get over a breakup and get back to normal life

“The death of a loved one is when a hand is immediately cut off, and a divorce is when they are cut off gradually, along the phalanx of fingers, and not just one, but two hands, in turn!” says psychologist Anna Khnykina . The number of patients who come to her office to get an answer to the question “how to survive a divorce” is growing every year, and these are not only women, but men too. Suffering is not divided by gender. AiF.ru met with an expert to understand if there is a saving formula to help relieve the pain and stress of separation.

Natalya Kozhina, AiF.ru: Many people believe that women experience divorce much more painfully than men, what is the reality?

Anna Khnykina: I would say that women experience divorce more noisily, they tend to cry and shout about their misfortune at all corners. But this does not mean that men suffer less. There are different stories, for example, when the wife initiates the divorce, the husband worries more.

Article on the topic

On the verge of divorce. How to save a marriage?

— Is it possible to give the same recommendations to and women on how to survive a divorce?

— Of course, because we are talking about suffering, and it is not divided by gender. People are experiencing an acute crisis due to a sudden (or maybe not so) change in their life system, which they once built together.

— When a person loses a loved one, I now mean death, psychologists say that he needs at least a year to get over his grief. How long does it take to get over a divorce, because in essence it is also the loss of a loved one, or is such an analogy not very appropriate?

- It is appropriate, moreover, I will now say a terrible thing: if the loss of a loved one in the acute phase is experienced for about a year, the story of the breakup usually lasts much longer. Starting with the decision being made by the spouse who wants to divorce (and this alone can take years), and ending in some families with the division of property, lawyers and courts. That is, if the loss is death, a funeral, then nine days, forty days, and so on until the next repetition of the season in which the tragic event occurred. When divorcing, it often takes three to five years for people to simply establish normal dialogue with each other.

— How much does it take to build a new relationship after a divorce? A year, two, three?

— Let me start with the fact that it is very important to bring the divorce process to a legal conclusion. For some, it drags on for years; people have already managed to start other families, but they do not have the treasured certificate of divorce. Everything that lasts until you receive this “piece of paper” is just the end of the relationship. Even when spouses are at war, it means they are still in a relationship! When the point is made, the legal issues are settled, it takes about a year for a person to close the old story and begin a new romance. Although in reality everything is very individual, some people spend their entire lives jumping from relationship to relationship, and most divorces occur when one of the spouses has already found a new partner.

Fathers and Sons. 5 questions about raising a child after divorce Read more

- Still, what is better: to take a break after a divorce or to plunge into a new relationship?

— You need to act according to your feelings, if there is a need for something new, you can, of course, run to relieve anxiety and in this way, too, when it helps. But it is important to understand that, firstly, you are now under extreme stress. Secondly, a “rescuer” is brought into your story, who is always needed only so that later there will be someone to blame for everything that happened. Thirdly, without going through a divorce, you will constantly talk about it, i.e. When you get a new partner, you inevitably turn him into some kind of “healing ears” for yourself. The exception is people who go to therapy and cannot stand 24/7 brainstorming with new lovers, mothers, friends, children, co-workers, etc.

— Frankly speaking, I don’t really understand why a person should go to a psychotherapist with such a delicate question, and not to a girlfriend or mother.

— A friend and mother will not help you reach a new level of perception of this issue. Yes, they can be good listeners, but they are not obliged to listen to your whining 24 hours a day, although they will most likely be embarrassed to admit it. Moreover, they will even tell you: “tell me everything, it will be easier for you.” Have pity on your loved ones! When you share your pain with them, you hurt them too. Yes, you can allow yourself such a confession once, twice, but the need to talk about your breakup will last a long time, it will take a lot of time to heal your torn soul, and all this time your loved ones will also be sick.

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— For some people, one of the ways to quickly get through a divorce is alcohol. Is there any alternative?

-What does alcohol do? It turns off mental defenses that, roughly speaking, protect you from worries - you try to look at things rationally, somehow invigorate yourself and not sink to the bottom of suffering. That's why they often drink and cry at the same time.

I see only one alternative here - take advantage of every opportunity to be alone with nature: walk, look at the trees, admire the sunsets. This helps to understand the depth of the situation, accept the inevitability of what happened, and take root with the idea that we need to move on.

— People are often advised to perceive divorce as a new chapter of life and are recommended to change their image or master some new activity that they have long wanted to try, i.e. pretend that nothing serious happened and life moves on. It works?

— It is important to distinguish between natural and manic elation, which at the very beginning can be like so-called ego inflation, when you begin to think: “Now we’ll live, now everything will be different!” In fact, everything will really be different, and we will heal, yes, after we survive the decline that has occurred, we will “burn out.”

Keep an eye on yourself so that after a short time you do not become very depressed. A sudden surge of strength may be its harbinger.

Of course, you need to help yourself in every possible way, but with the understanding that people usually don’t dance on graves. No, if you were married to a tyrant who raped and beat you, you can dance, freed from such a “gift”. But we are still talking about ordinary families and couples who realized that they had made a mistake and were facing a difficult, very sad separation. In some ways, this is even worse than the death of loved ones. When a person dies, you realize much faster that nothing can come back. To understand: death is when a hand is immediately cut off, and divorce is when they are cut off gradually, along the phalanx of the fingers, and not just one, but two hands, in turn! Therefore, you can pretend that everything is cool and life goes on, of course, if you objectively have the strength to do so.

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- How to deal with the obsessive thought that now you are left alone and no one needs you anymore?

“It’s okay, it’s completely normal to think like that when the entire previous system of coordinates collapses.” Look what happens in a year, most likely, the fear will go away by itself, because you will live and adapt to new conditions. In addition, do not forget that we do not live in the 18th century, where in the village there are two streets and one and a half men: one is an old man, the other is a cripple... In such conditions, yes, it is difficult to find new love, but in our time, with modern opportunities , everything is completely different. Therefore, if you want, you will get married, if you don’t want, you won’t get married. It is very important not to lose your sense of freedom.

— Many people begin to blame themselves for divorce, how to stop this process if it has already started?

- Even if you were to blame, learn to forgive yourself and not repeat the mistakes again. We need to talk about this as much as possible, again, I am for a paid psychologist in this matter than for free mother’s ears. In such a matter, you need someone who will put you on the right track so as not to stumble again! It is also useful to write letters to yourself or your ex-spouse. This will make it easier for you to understand why you could have corrected something, but did not fix it in the end. Most likely, there is an explanation and justification for this. We often evaluate the situation from today, and if you go back to the day when the wrong decision was made, then most likely there will be much fewer questions for yourself. Write letters, but don't send them.

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— What to do with the numerous common things that inevitably remain after any marriage?

- Of course, you need to get rid of other people's things. It is advisable to carefully remove all photographs of you together. I probably wouldn’t destroy them, because someday we will all be 88 and want to remember the past... When time passes, it is no longer so painful for a person to return to the past. But when we talk about the first time after a divorce, of course, the situation is the opposite. Carefully collect your husband's things and give them to him. This is very important because by being around things from the past, you maintain a relationship with the past.

— Some psychologists advise burning things, conducting something like a cleansing ritual, what do you think of this idea?

— The burning ritual is like a funeral, essentially a farewell ritual. In my practice, there were people who greatly regretted that they burned or destroyed their photos together, some memorabilia or small but very meaningful gifts.

Besides, no matter how much you burn, everything remains in memory. And when you try to get rid of some memories, they come to you in dreams, in a drunken state, in various other so-called near-psychotic states. And it is never beautiful or pleasant when it visits us against our will.

I think that a ritual such as containment would be better suited here. Find a specific place where you can put away all things related to marriage, the main thing is that they are not in front of your eyes, but in a closet or in the country, and let them lie quietly there - believe me, the past will leave you alone faster than if you try to burn it. What is important here is to understand the point that you are not destroying memory, but giving it a safe place to store it.

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— What to do with mutual friends after a divorce?

— One of my colleagues who went through a divorce once said this about this: “Ultimately, I stopped all communication with people who support my ex-husband.” This is very painful, at least for the first time, which lasts from 3 to 5 years, when people get used to the fact that they have become strangers, the warm feelings have passed, but some strange, ugly emotions towards each other have appeared. In this regard, it is better to reduce to a minimum contact with people who support the side of the ex-spouse and continue to communicate with him. This will make it much easier for you.

How to return to personal harmony in the field of divorce - psychologists know

The reaction to divorce depends on the characteristics of the psyche and can be purely

individual.

But it is still different for men and women.

Representatives of the gentler sex begin to worry immediately after separation, even before the official divorce process. The most difficult emotional period occurs in the first year after the departure of the head of the family. At this point, the first signs of depression begin to appear, and a suicide attempt cannot be ruled out.

If the divorce was initiated by the spouse, the man has a hard time.

Such a decision often comes as a surprise to him, because in the male opinion, any conflicts can be resolved. And he does not realize what they can lead to. The man does not yet realize what has happened, it seems that this is a dream. At first, a state of detachment and apathy arises.

It is easier for a woman to “release” negative emotions. Gatherings with girlfriends and sobbing on your parent's shoulder will help with this. Men keep everything inside themselves, so it is more difficult for them to get rid of heavy emotional burden. He just needs to find a listener who will sympathize.

If the divorce was provoked by a man, then at first he “flies” and enjoys freedom.

There is no longer any place in his life for family feuds, reproaches, problems and responsibilities. It seems to him that this is the beginning of a new chapter in his life, in which there will certainly be acquaintances, entertainment, prospects and horizons. A state of melancholy sets in much later, when he realizes that this new life is not as rosy as it seemed.

After a divorce, most often children remain to live with their mother. This is another factor that aggravates a man’s condition after a divorce.

An empty house and a rare opportunity to see children increases the feeling of loneliness.

Due to different reactions to separation, each gender has its own ways of getting out of depression. Let's turn to the advice of psychologists.

Men's therapy

The problem is that many men deny the state of depression. It comes to the point that depression turns into an acute form of psychological illness.

To prevent this from happening, listen to the recommendations of experts who will tell you how to survive a divorce from your wife:

• alcohol and binge drinking will not help you escape from reality;
• do not withdraw into yourself, do not ignore women (new acquaintances will only help you get used to single life);
• accept the fact of separation and realize that the past cannot be returned;
• you will be imbued with the need to build a new life;
• take up all your free time so that you have no time to “chase” sad thoughts;
• find a new hobby;
• take care of your body and health;
• it's time to take care of your career and self-development;
• don’t sit at home, meet friends, be in company;
• pour out all your worries to your loved one.

If you were unable to emerge from the “quagmire” on your own, make an appointment with a specialist. Mental health is not something to joke about.

Women's therapy

Divorced women have lower self-esteem, so they have to learn to love and respect themselves again. It may take years to restore inner harmony and return to yourself; this is not easy work.

First you need to stop feeling sorry for yourself. A victim of circumstances is always a loser, learn to conquer adversity.

Look at the positive side of the situation:

• realize that the state of “being your own mistress” has returned, enjoy it;
• write a new script for yourself and bring it to life;
• let go of memories, live in the present events;
• go on vacation and change your surroundings;
• relax to the fullest (dancing, get-togethers with girlfriends, walks), just don’t sit at home as a prisoner of a past relationship;
• give yourself time to recover, not everything will work out the first time;
• think about your loved ones, show care and attention (this will help take your mind off your own problems);
• learn to enjoy the little things;
• overcome laziness, occupy yourself with even the most insignificant things;
• take care of yourself, change your image;
• pay attention to health and figure;
• Don’t shy away from communicating especially with married friends.

Of course, it’s easier to feel sorry for yourself. But it’s worth fighting for every happy episode of your life.

There will be depression, but it cannot be “triggered”; life does not end with a divorce; on the contrary, it is just beginning.

According to divorce statistics, a quarter of divorced spouses get back together and live even happier lives. Therefore, depression can also be a favorable factor that helps you rethink yourself and your view of marital relationships.

Dividing debts in a divorce is one of the most difficult issues in the entire divorce process. Concluding a prenuptial agreement will help to divide property after the divorce is finalized. Read more about this in our article. Is it possible to get a divorce when the spouses have a child under 1 year old? Find out about it here.

Frequent fears after divorce from husband

Typically, divorce divides a person's life into before and after. How will life be after? This question often causes fear in a woman.

Fear of loneliness, lack of opportunity to discuss household chores, or ask for help causes a feeling of discomfort.

The habit of living in a certain mode prevents you from starting a new life. To avoid loneliness, you need more communication: meetings with friends and family, calls to girlfriends, gatherings at home will help avoid the feeling of uselessness and it will be easier to cope with loneliness.

A difficult situation is experienced by those women who themselves decided to divorce, while their husband was against it. Persecution, control and even threats from him may begin. The following tips will help you cope with this:

• Be prepared to endure this sort of thing for about three months, the usual length of harassment after a divorce.
• Do not give in to any provocations on his part; the best way to extinguish his interest in you is to stop reacting to him.

If you have children, there is always the fear of hurting them by divorcing their father. But don’t the conflict situations that a child observes between parents every day bring him much more suffering? Discuss with your child the reason for your divorce, do not deprive him of attention during this difficult period, encourage his communication with his father, and then you will be able to avoid the dramatic consequences of your divorce for your children.