You are not alone: ​​how to learn to live with a child after a divorce

Children

• How to talk about divorce
• How to avoid mistakes
• Psychologist's advice
• Don't forget about the children
• Don't ruin your children's lives
• Don't provoke manipulation
• Children should have a family

When spouses decide to separate, they need to remember that this can be a real tragedy for their children. A wise person would probably say that you need to think about this before having children. Often, when starting a family, people think only about pleasure. The pleasure of being close to a loved one, traveling, sharing a marital bed.

Few people think about responsibility. Family is work, it is work on oneself , it is the ability to preserve love.

Finding themselves not old enough, mothers and fathers endanger those who are even younger and even weaker - their little children

They will now have to grow up, and it would be good if this sad event forced their parents to become adults.

Divorce of parents

How to talk about divorce

The day you are going to tell your children that you are breaking up determines further communication with them . You should think carefully about how to structure this conversation. This is an important topic that concerns the whole family, so mom, dad, and children should be present at the “council.”

Parents should admit that they have failed to become good spouses, have reached a dead end and do not know how to build further relationships. There should be love between parents, but you do not have the same feelings for each other. Say that you have decided to live separately, but want to consult with your children. Tell them that their opinion is very important to you . Older children will appreciate your trust. It is also possible that they will shout and be rude. Try to understand them. They are in pain and don't know how to behave.

Conversation with a child

Be sure to say that no one is to blame for what happened. You are still parents and love your children very much.

The right of the father to communicate with the baby in the event of family breakdown

According to Part 1 of Art. 66 of the RF IC, parents have equal rights to communicate with their child in the event of a divorce. The legislation does not limit the father’s participation in educational and training activities and the development of the child. The mother, if the minor remains to live with her, should not interfere with the relationship between the father and the baby.

Divorce of marriage preserves the following rights for the father:

• freely receive any information, when contacting an educational, educational or medical institution, about a minor that the parent considers important and necessary;
• regularly meet and communicate with the baby;
• participate in decision-making regarding the organization of the life of a son or daughter;
• the issue of changing the minor’s surname or traveling outside the state is agreed upon with the parent;
• other issues affecting the relationship between parents and children.

If a parent lives in another city and does not have the opportunity to meet often, the mother should not interfere with communication remotely - by phone or via the Internet.

How to avoid mistakes

Most often, after a divorce, the baby remains with the mother. Teenagers are given the right to choose, and here the situation can be unpredictable.

In any case, no matter who the children end up with, they need to maintain contact with the other parent

If a daughter or son remains with their mother , then the question arises of how they should communicate with their father. Usually some days are set aside for this, for example, weekends. Sometimes they choose a time during the week when the child has free time from clubs and studies. However, some conscientious fathers take the trouble to accompany their child for additional education . This behavior is considered correct.

It would be a mistake when the father, not wanting to meet the mother, ignores the baby. If a relationship with a woman does not work out, the child should not suffer because of this. He has a father who, by law, has the right and obligation to participate in his upbringing .

It's not so difficult to give your child a few hours a week . Remember the good old days - write letters , put photos in them. The baby will re-read these few lines that connect him with his father many times. At least once a month, give him good impressions and make his dreams come true. a good wizard for him .

The child stays with the mother

Another big mistake parents make is speaking badly about each other . You should not turn your child against his mother or father. Let him sort out his feelings himself. He should see you through his eyes, not yours. There is resentment in you, the reasons for which he has no idea. If dad is angry with mom, does not want to fulfill her wishes, does not correspond to her ideas about men, this does not mean that he is a bad father and will ruin the life of his daughter or son. The same can be said about the mother.

Often attitudes towards each other are projected onto children through the phrases: “What have you done! Just like my father!”, “It’s impossible to come to an agreement with you! All like mother!” Such phrases should not be thrown around. Essentially you are saying, "Father is bad and you are bad." Try to put yourself in the child's shoes. How would you feel if someone said that to you?

Put yourself in your child’s shoes more often, perhaps many mistakes can be avoided

Remember that children have the right to communicate with their parents. They should not be manipulated in your relationship.

Conversation between mother and child

How can a father win over his daughter after a divorce if she stays with her mother?

We need to try to create a safe atmosphere for her. You should spend time with her on a regular basis, praise her talents and strengths, and encourage her interests. You should never speak badly about your ex-wife in front of your daughter, as this contributes to increasing conflicts and makes it difficult to heal from the losses associated with divorce. Then it will be possible to build a good relationship between father and daughter after a divorce. You cannot allow your cynicism or anger to influence your relationship with the girl and remember that by law you can spend as much time with your beloved princess as before the divorce.

Psychologist's advice

In conclusion, here are some tips to help you build proper communication with your children.

Don't forget about the children

After a divorce, parents begin a new life , new worries and responsibilities are added, and it’s psychologically difficult. Children often receive little attention in this situation, which can cause negative consequences .

Don't ruin your children's lives

If a mother often repeats that all men are bad, her daughter or son will develop a negative attitude. The daughter will be wary of men in adulthood. The son may develop a grudge against his mother and all the other women not yet known to him. It will be difficult for them to build harmonious relationships in their family.

Don't provoke manipulation

Sometimes parents, in order to smooth out the child’s pain after a divorce, say: “Dad didn’t allow me to sit at the computer for a long time, now it will be possible.” Children will quickly understand how you can be manipulated . You will then reap the benefits.

Meeting with dad

Children should have a family

The parent with whom the children remain has a special role . If this is a mother, then you need to understand that she sees the children constantly, nothing has changed for her in this regard. Her task is to help the father not lose contact with his children. This is a great responsibility. You need to leave your grievances and complaints in the past; now each spouse has their own life. Children have grandparents and a father, and they need to maintain relationships .

Whoever the children end up with, they should have a family

Divorce is always pain and trauma for all family members. When trying to avoid it, do not make a mistake so as not to lose contact with your child. Be sincere in your communication, not extremely frank, but open. Children always sense falsehood and may distance themselves from you. In this case, you will lose another loved one.

You can learn more about how a father can communicate with his child after a divorce by watching the video:

What to avoid

Not everything that seems like a lifeline to you is such. We get rid of the ballast in life that prevents us from spreading our wings.

Harmful addictions

Your hand automatically reaches for the glass and you won’t refuse a cigarette again? Let's guess why you're doing this:

1. Forget yourself and fall asleep. It seems that this is how cognac should act if you drink the entire bottle in one gulp without a snack? Not necessary. Other options are possible, including death. Drinking one glass every evening is also not an option. The path from a mild hangover to severe alcohol addiction does not take much time. At this rate, you risk being left without work and friends. The family budget suddenly ceased to be scarce, and you decided to increase the profits of the local distillery? Better invest your money in the health and education of your children. A much more rational way of spending your hard-earned money.
2. Calm your nerves. It won’t work out with either three cigarettes or a whole pack. You yourself understand this perfectly well. Have mercy on your lungs. You will still need them to take a deep breath when the “withdrawal” after breaking up with your spouse finally passes.

Escape from problems

Those who like to “think about it tomorrow” demonstrate two typical behavior patterns:

1. "I'm very well!" "Everything is fine. Leave me alone, please,” your best friend can’t even get a word out of you. You remain silent like a partisan, so as not to give yourself away to your beloved. And the cat herself is scratching her soul and her eyes are wet. Who are you trying to fool? Interlocutor? Myself? The fact that you learned to put on a “duty smile” when forced into contact with someone from your close circle did not make anyone feel better. You will come home and cry your heart out, hiding from the children in the bathroom. Keep in mind that such “hide and seek” is a futile precaution. Your loved ones understand perfectly well that something is wrong with you. Take care of those relationships that have already been established and have stood the test of strength. Insincerity will easily destroy them. In addition, constant pretense undermines self-respect. Why aggravate your already difficult psychological state? Arrange an evening of confession over a cup of fragrant tea with a large cake for those who are ready to listen and give practical advice. Speak up. It will become much easier for you. In addition, fears extracted from the depths of the subconscious, upon closer collective examination, will turn out to be simple “troubles” that will be easy to deal with.
2. “The most important thing is that the children are with me!” You're definitely lucky. Not everyone is given the happiness of motherhood. Take advantage of your position: watch the kids grow, take part in their games, rejoice in the successes of the younger generation. But don’t try to deny the obvious: for complete sensations, you need a partner who is ready to become your husband and replace the father of your children. I’m used to sharing a bed and apartment bills with someone, discussing office problems and the latest promotions in a nearby supermarket. Without a strong male shoulder, it is difficult to overcome your own female inferiority complex. Should you come to terms with loneliness? It's not a fact that the transformation from a feminine house fairy to a militant feminist will suit you. Hating all men without exception in the person of your ex-husband is an easy way to disguise the delicate personal problem of lack of demand. Let off some steam and admit that a strong man’s hug is the ultimate dream of this evening. Face the truth in order to move forward in trying to lift yourself out of a deep depressive state. Set goals that will truly give you peace of mind. Need a husband? Ready for a new relationship? This means it’s time to leave the confined space of the four walls of the apartment. Chat, flirt, meet and choose a candidate worthy of your hand and heart.

See also:

Starting a new life after divorce

Determining the procedure for communicating with a child during a divorce through a judicial authority

If the former spouses were unable to reach a mutual agreement regarding the schedule of meetings between the father and the baby, the issue is resolved with the involvement of the court. This situation is not uncommon; often, after a divorce, a tense relationship remains between husband and wife, which leaves an imprint on the possibility of making a common decision that suits both parties.

It is possible for any parent to file a claim with the courts, presenting the following requirements:

• determining the order of meetings with mother or father;
• deprivation of parental authority;
• alimony payments;
• establishing a schedule for communication with other relatives.

The amount of the state duty when filing such a claim is 300 rubles. However, if the claim concerns the place of permanent residence of a minor, the collection of a state fee is not provided.

Building a Bridge with Your Ex-Spouse

What happens when you communicate with your ex-spouse? Are you angry, afraid, upset, or defensive? Are you active or passive? Do you find it difficult to control your emotions? Are you trying to suppress your feelings? Are you looking for someone to blame or blaming your spouse for everything? Are you worried about your children and wondering how they will feel after the divorce?

Stop looking back and looking for someone to blame. Look forward and soberly assess the situation, make plans, everything is in your hands to live and raise your children. Raising children together after a divorce may seem difficult at first, but it is not; you need to establish communication with your ex-spouse and break down the barriers that prevent you from communicating. And it takes time and effort, but it is possible. Only together can you continue to raise your child after a divorce.

Research shows that divorce itself may not harm children. Rather, the ongoing conflict between parents, their anger and the negative feelings that are expressed by one or both parents create great anxiety in children. Particular damage can be done to a child when he is put in the middle, is present in conflict situations, hears you talk badly about the other parent, thereby destroying his image of the family.

The role of guardianship authorities

Based on Art. 73 of the RF IC, communication between a child and a parent must be carried out in accordance with established rules, providing for:

1. eliminating adverse consequences for the child’s psycho-emotional state;
2. the second parent should not interfere with such communication or turn the child against the father;
3. meetings should not interfere with the study and development of the minor or pose a danger to the child’s health.

Representatives of the guardianship service must ensure that the above conditions are complied with. To do this, these employees conduct an inspection at the child’s place of residence to ensure that proper conditions are created.