If a child wants to live with his father after his parents divorce...

In the modern world, divorce has become commonplace. During the process of divorce, many questions arise: division of property, the fate of the joint living space. And, of course, children. Their future often comes first. We are used to children staying with their mother. But what if a child wants to live with his father after a divorce?

How to determine who a child should live with after a divorce

The mere wish of a son or daughter in such a situation is not enough. It is impossible to rely on him alone. According to statistics, about 90% of children remain to live with their mother. But it happens that by mutual agreement or by court decision, the father takes the son to live with him, because the wife and child have nowhere to live after the divorce or her living conditions do not allow this.

If the former spouses cannot agree among themselves with whom the child should live after a divorce, then the guardianship and trusteeship authorities will become involved in resolving the dispute (Article No. 78 of the RF IC). Their function is to examine the living conditions of both parents (for free) in order to draw a conclusion and determine with whom the pupil should live. A psychologist can also be involved in this process to determine the minor’s attachment to one of the parents and to find out, using leading questions, the attitude of the father and mother towards him. Experts determine the employment of mom and dad, their tendency to bad habits (alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling) to help the court make the right decision about where the child will live after the divorce.

I am a bad mother: after a divorce, the child wanted to live with his father

The main reasons for not wanting to live with your mother

Psychological trauma. Unpleasant memories, traumatic life events associated with the mother: loss of loved ones, death of pets, moving.
Do you remember if you were involved in acts of psychological and physical violence against a child? Excessive pressure on the child: unfounded criticism, constant complaints, nagging, threats, manipulation, blackmail, frequent and categorical prohibitions and restrictions, devaluation of the child’s feelings. All of the above things are unacceptable in raising children. Maybe we should start by educating ourselves?

Inappropriate form of aggression. Of course, we all get nervous and angry at times. But if such behavior becomes a way of life, then living under the same roof with such a person becomes impossible.

Excessive severity. Mothers can be very tough. “We are doing this solely for the benefit of the child! He must understand what is possible and what is not,” some parents are surprised. But in this case, the child may not feel maternal support.

Physical punishment. Perhaps in your own childhood it was customary to take a belt in your hands on every occasion and you adopted this tradition from your parents. Remember that fear is a feeling from which you want to quickly escape.

Emotional coldness. If there is no emotional contact between mother and child, it will be easy for him to leave his mother’s nest and go to seek warmth in his father’s house.

A new “extra” person. The prospect of a stepfather appearing in the house, with whom there is no contact (or, even worse, there is conflict), often forces the child to run away to his own father.

Living conditions in the father's house. Perhaps a son or daughter was attracted by having their own separate room and better living conditions. But can a child exchange love for the material side of the issue? Of course not. Most likely, this is your wrong upbringing.

Demandingness. Both objective excessive demands and subjective ones, when the child thinks that they want a lot from him, although in reality this is not the case. Moms force me to do homework, attend extra classes, help around the house, etc. But dad has never done this yet. The word “yet” is key here.

Attractive father figure. Often, children after a divorce see their dads on weekends and holidays. This means that on such days there is entertainment, exciting trips to interesting places and after-hours cakes and ice cream. Such meetings leave behind a sweet aftertaste, especially against the backdrop of “gray everyday life”, everyday life and the need to do homework.

An act of protest: the desire to annoy everyone at once. What is the protest about? And just like that, protest for the sake of protest! Such conditions are very common among teenagers.

Difficult age: mom - suffer, dad - suffer!

How to live after divorce with a child

If the father agrees that it is better for the mother and child to live together, then the case will not go to court. If the husband insists to the contrary, arguing that they have nowhere to live, and the wife expresses disagreement, then, most likely, a trial cannot be avoided.

Almost every woman “gnaws out” her right to have the child stay with her, without particularly thinking about how she can survive with the child after a divorce. Having a small room in a rented apartment or a dorm room makes it difficult for a mother and her offspring to survive. These circumstances will certainly be taken into account during the trial.

Two ways to solve the issue

In fact, there are two methods to ensure that children remain with their father. Among them there is also extrajudicial.

Please note: when talking about peaceful agreements between divorcing spouses, it does not mean that there will be no trial at all. If a husband and wife have a child, then the divorce in any case goes through the court in accordance with Russian law. Simply, if the parents agree among themselves and notify the judge about this before the divorce process, he will not deal with the settlement of the dispute, but will focus on other aspects of the divorce.

Agreement about children. This method allows spouses to agree on responsibility for the child before going to court. It consists of drawing up a special document - an agreement on children. It indicates where and with whom the child will live. Legal practice is such that several agreements are drawn up regarding different aspects: the frequency and nature of communication between the child and the parent, the amount of child support payments, the mechanism for receiving them, etc. Moreover, a separate agreement (or set of agreements) is drawn up for each child. In principle, the document is drawn up quite simply: it must be in two copies (for each spouse) and signed on both sides. After this, it already enters into legal force and does not require additional clarification. However, to be on the safe side, the husband and wife can have the agreement certified by a notary. In this case, a third copy of the paper is required, which remains with the lawyer. The children's agreement is submitted to the court before the divorce lawsuit begins (usually along with a basic package of documents).
Resolving the issue with the help of the court. This mechanism for determining who the child will stay with is activated in a situation where the parents were unable to reach an amicable agreement. And here the court will fully check the arguments of each of the spouses who wants to raise children.

IMPORTANT: guardianship officials can try to convince the spouse that the child will be better off with the dad. The father should contact this department, state the essence of the issue and ask for a conversation with the mother. If the outcome is positive, litigation can also be avoided.

Ex-husband kicks me out of the house

Often, a former married couple makes a mutual decision to have their son or daughter live with their mother. However, after the divorce, the parent flatly refuses to share his place of residence with his ex-wife and child, who are not homeowners, even for a short time. And he often doesn’t care that his ex-wife simply has nowhere to live with the child after the divorce. The best way out is to reach an amicable agreement with your husband to stay in the house for a while. Then you need to urgently look for a new place of residence for yourself and the child (ask for help from friends, move in with your parents).

A woman's arguments must be very convincing in front of her husband.

Several arguments that, according to psychologists, can be successful if presented correctly (i.e., “pressure on pity”):

Put the father in the protective role
by explaining that young children often try to understand why they should live in another home and worry that their parents will no longer love them. This emotional state of the baby can lead to possible psychological problems.
Make your father feel guilty.
Elementary school children may think that divorce is their fault.
To instill fear in the father’s head that he could turn from a hero in the person of his father into a beast.
Teens may become angry about divorce and the changes it causes. They may blame one parent for the breakdown of the marriage. The child is used to his home, but the parent who puts him and his mother outside the threshold may simply hate him.

Let's sum it up

As conclusions, we have compiled for you a short digest of all aspects of the situation when a child remains with his father after a divorce:

The future fate of the children can be negotiated peacefully. By notifying the court about this, the spouses will avoid protracted litigation and will not waste their nerves.
If the case goes to court, then he will always be on the side of the child. The internal strife of parents in such a situation fades into the background.
If the father insists that the child live with him, and the mother is against this, then the man should prepare for a long and persistent defense of his innocence. Unfortunately, the Russian judicial machine is clumsy and often takes the mother’s side, despite seemingly logical arguments.
Get all possible evidence that your son or daughter will be better off with you. The conclusion of the guardianship authorities, testimony of neighbors and relatives, confirmation of stable income - this and much more will add points in your favor.
During the trial, try to be as tactful as possible. Even if irreconcilable differences arise between you and your spouse, do not make them public or demonstrate them in the courtroom. Inappropriate behavior, quarrels, altercations, unnecessary emotions - all this will be negatively perceived by the judge.
Parents, no matter what the gap between them, should always think about the child and his well-being. If he wants to stay with his mother, it is better for the father to calm down his ambitions and pride - the emotions will subside, but the baby’s injuries will remain.

Low-income status after divorce

If the financial situation of one parent is deplorable and it is impossible to survive with the child on alimony, it is necessary to contact the local government authorities.
Experts will assess the situation and will be able to register this parent as in need of improved living conditions. The state, on the basis of Article No. 40, Part 3 of the Constitution of the Russian Federation, must facilitate the provision of residential premises to this category of citizens free of charge or at an affordable price.

Also, referring to Part 2, Article No. 49, Part 2 of the Housing Code of the Russian Federation, low-income citizens have the right to receive housing from the municipal housing stock under social tenancy agreements.

Every woman wants to calmly raise a child after a breakup, and not survive and solve problems associated with finding housing. If a mother and her children have nowhere to live, this becomes a real disaster.

How to leave a child with the father during a divorce?

The ex-husband can sue the baby from the mother, since he has equal rights with her. The court considers the situation, paying attention to:

on the moral character of both spouses;
financial situation of parents;
health status;
the baby's attachment to his father (mother).

If an agreement is reached between the parents

Parents can agree on which of them gets the child. You can also determine the order of communication between a father and his children after a divorce. The agreement is provided for in Article 24 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation. It does not have to be in writing, but is documented in cases where:

The husband does not want to involve strangers in family proceedings.
In order not to delay the divorce.

If the child wishes to stay with his father

A ten-year-old teenager has the right to decide with whom he wants to stay. During the divorce proceedings, the judge will ask him this question. The child’s opinion will be decisive when establishing his place of residence.

If a husband wants to pick up a child during a divorce, he must confirm that he is fully involved in raising the child: he accompanies him to school, takes him to clubs and takes part in education. The degree of emotional closeness with a teenager will be determined by specialists: psychologists and teachers.

When the mother is deprived of parental rights or intentionally left the children to her husband

The woman is deprived of parental rights and does not fulfill her direct responsibilities. She has problems:

with alcohol and drugs;
mental illness;
serious illnesses.

At the court hearing, the husband presents supporting documents. In fact, the child is already living after the divorce from his father. The spouse cannot fully provide for the interests of the minor after a divorce. She deliberately leaves her children with her husband. She does not participate in education.

When the wife doesn't work

The court takes into account the fact that the mother has addictions or is seriously ill. This is the reason why the child will remain with the father.

A woman could not work because the man earned good money and supported his family, and she performed maternal duties. The court may rule on alimony from the husband and leave the children to the mother. She will be able to get a job because she is healthy and has a specialty.

Divorce

The first thing that didn’t particularly raise questions was divorce. Our specialists described the divorce process to Konstantin step by step and explained that this demand could be submitted to the district court simultaneously with the demands for children. In fact, a divorce will be obtained only after all disputes have been resolved. If it is necessary to dissolve the marriage as quickly as possible, a separate lawsuit can be filed exclusively with a requirement for divorce in the magistrate’s court, and all disputes about children will begin to be heard in parallel in the district court.

Since there was no rush, Konstantin decided to resolve all issues within the framework of one case. We filed a statement of claim with the district court with the following demands: for divorce, determination of the place of residence of the children with their father, and determination of the order of communication between the mother and them. Our client did not want to collect alimony from their mother for the maintenance of the children.

Determining the place of residence of children with their father

In accordance with the Constitution of the Russian Federation, motherhood and childhood, the family are under the protection of the state, caring for children, their upbringing is an equal right and responsibility of parents.
According to the provisions of Article 65 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, parental rights cannot be exercised in conflict with the interests of the children. Ensuring the interests of children should be the main concern of their parents. In addition, all issues related to the upbringing and education of children are resolved by parents by mutual consent, based on the interests of the children and taking into account their opinions.

The Resolution of the Plenum of the Supreme Court of the Russian Federation dated May 27, 1998 No. 10 “On the application by courts of legislation in resolving disputes related to the upbringing of children” explains what circumstances must be taken into account when resolving a dispute about the place of residence of a minor child. Such circumstances include:

the child’s attachment to each of his parents, brothers and sisters;
age of the child;
moral and other personal qualities of parents;
the relationship that exists between each parent and the child;
the possibility of creating conditions for the child’s upbringing and development (taking into account the type of activity, the working hours of the parents, their financial and marital status, the health status of the parents);
other circumstances characterizing the situation that has developed in the place of residence of each of the parents.

Also, the Resolution of the Plenum especially emphasizes that the mere advantage in the financial and living situation of one of the parents cannot be an unconditional basis for satisfying the request of this parent to determine the place of residence of the child with him. In addition, the court, taking into account the circumstances of each specific case, should determine the procedure for such communication between a separately living parent and children (time, place, duration of communication, etc.), setting it out in the operative part of the decision.

We, in agreement with our client, proposed in the statement of claim the following procedure for communication between the mother and the girls:

the first and third Saturday, Sunday of the month from 10:00 to 19:00, both in the place of primary residence of children and beyond, taking into account the routine, interests and hobbies of the children;
every Thursday from 16:00 to 20:00, both in the place of primary residence of children and outside it, taking into account the routine, interests and hobbies of children;
in summer, 14 calendar days, with the right to travel outside the Russian Federation, having agreed on the departure date a month before we plan the trip;
Children celebrate their birthdays together with their mother, for at least 5 hours.

For the hearing, we asked our client to prepare certificates from drug treatment and psychoneurological dispensaries, and to take a reference from his place of work.

Characteristics and certificates of the children's father

Also, the girls’ class teachers prepared appropriate characteristics about them, where the teachers described: the level of socialization of children at school, the development of their abilities, the involvement of parents in the educational process and generally characterized the situation in the family.

Characteristics of children from school

Children's opinion

Since the girls were already 10 years old by the time of the court hearings, and in accordance with Article 57 of the Family Code of the Russian Federation, taking into account the opinion of a child who has reached the age of ten is mandatory, we invited a specialist with a pedagogical education to interview the girls in court.

In court, the youngest daughter explained that she had always lived in this apartment with her father and did not want to leave, she wanted to stay and live with her father. The mother comes to see them several times a week, but does not invite them to visit her. The eldest daughter also explained in court that she wants to stay with her father, since her mother has another man.

A forensic psychological examination of children and child-parent relationships was not ordered in this case.

Mother's counterclaim

At the very first meeting, Konstantin’s wife filed a counterclaim with demands: to determine the place of residence of the children with her, to determine the procedure for Konstantin’s communication with them and to collect alimony for the maintenance of the children.

Regarding her visits to the girls for several days a week with an overnight stay, she said that she did not want to traumatize them with her move and therefore, by agreement with the plaintiff, she came to them for several days a week. At present there was no need to change the children's place of residence. The children know why and where she is leaving. During periods of her absence, they maintain contact with her. She fulfills her parental responsibilities properly. She also indicated that recently relations between the spouses have become tense and the father of the children is turning them against her.

The plaintiff requested the questioning of a witness, her own sister. The court granted the petition, but did not take the testimony into account, indicating that due to family ties, the testimony of this witness cannot be objective.

During the court hearings, the children’s mother informed the court either that she lived at her place of registration, then gave the address of the father of her third daughter, or even stated that her place of residence was Konstantin’s apartment.