What to do if the husband does not communicate with the offspring after a divorce
Stories in which, after separation, the heirs remain with the man, and the mother disappears in an unknown direction, happen in life, but much less often than cases when, after a divorce, the husband does not communicate with the child. It’s one thing when we are talking about antisocial types who abuse alcohol or use physical violence against members of their family. In such a situation, the woman herself does everything in order to protect her son or daughter from her father.
It’s a completely different matter when, not long ago, a loving husband and father suddenly disappears from the lives of his children, and besides, the grandmother does not communicate with her grandchildren after the divorce. The saddest thing is that if you do not understand the reasons for such behavior and do not try to correct the situation, the son or daughter may blame the fact that dad and grandmother do not want to see him - he behaved badly, did not listen, and so on. To help her child, it is important for the mother to be there and not blame her other half for what happened. You can say “Dad loves you very much, but you understand, it’s difficult for him now, you need to give him time.” Under no circumstances should children be fed promises that their father will come tomorrow - unrealized promises have a negative impact on the child’s psyche.
Children are generally very wise creatures who perfectly sense falsehood, so when talking with them you need to be as open as possible due to their age. Teenagers have a particularly hard time enduring parental lies. Divorce is always preceded by a difficult period of sorting out the relationship. Even if the parents did not allow themselves to do this in front of their children, it is difficult not to notice the mother’s tear-stained eyes or the father’s irritation, and it is difficult for the first teenager to ask. And mothers need to find strength and be frank with their grown-up children, this will bring them closer and make them feel like adults and needed.
How to explain to a child that dad doesn't need him
And then it’s up to me to sort it out…” Tatyana, 29 years old, divorced for two years, son four years old: “Of course, I will be against it! Communication between the ex-husband and the child in the form in which it occurs is a disaster for the son. After all, if the ex-husband took the child for the weekend, he believes that he has accomplished a feat, and when I don’t sleep for a week because the baby has a fever, this is how it should be. Moreover, dad considers it normal to bring different girls to his place on the same weekend and, without being embarrassed by the child, show his tender feelings for them! And my son later tells me in a colorful way how dad first stroked Yulia’s butt, and then stroked him.
Next weekend the same story, but with Masha! Is this a normal example?!” These are just excerpts from numerous letters that come to psychologists working with couples after divorce. The father has the same rights in communication with the child as the mother.
Reasons why a father does not communicate with his child after separating from his mother
There may be many reasons why a father does not communicate with his own child after a divorce, but none of them justifies such behavior.
The same applies to the grandmother, who suddenly does not want to recognize her own grandchildren just because they were born by a hated daughter-in-law. Everything about her grandchildren irritates such a grandmother - external resemblance to the mother, demeanor, style of clothing, etc. It is difficult for a reasonable person to accept such an argument, but such stories do exist. Sometimes the process of separation is so painful with mutual accusations and loud scandals that the husband once again does not want to show himself to his ex-wife, even in order to see his offspring. Here it is important for a woman to realize the situation in time and try to smooth it out. And no matter how painful it may be, under no circumstances should you make your son or daughter an instrument of revenge against your former other half. Men are built differently from their female companions; they do not have unconditional love for their children. Even the best of them eventually stop trying to communicate calmly with their heirs if the mother does everything to ruin their lives.
But situations often occur when a father, after a divorce, seems to forget that they have a son or daughter. Men generally have a very difficult time admitting their failures and do not like difficulties, so it is easier for them to choose an ostrich policy - stop all communication with their offspring, not pay child support and reassure themselves that when their son or daughter grows up, he will want to communicate with his father.
There are stories when the ex-wife irritates a man so much that even his own heirs are a reminder of her and cause rejection, so after the divorce the husband does not communicate with his own child. But having created a new family, such a husband becomes an ideal father for a stepson or stepdaughter. No wonder there is an expression “A man loves children through their mother.” And the child has a reasonable question: “Why does dad love the new children more than me?”
How to explain to a child that dad doesn't need him
Why is dad pulling away? “Often ex-spouses are surprised to discover that their problems with divorce have not ended, but that conflicts have only become more frequent,” says Anna Bykova, child and family psychologist, author of the “Lazy Mom” series of books on parenting. — A man and a woman, just as before, do not understand and irritate each other. And it seems to them that the only way out is to end any relationship
Intellectually, both understand how important it is for a child to have both a mother and a father. But at the same time, there is such an emotional tangle of resentment, anger and jealousy between them that they unwittingly create obstacles to communication with each other, and ultimately with the child
USEFUL INFORMATION: Divorce in the event of the death of one of the spouses
Of course, every family has its own story, but it often happens like this: Situation 1. Dad takes the child for a walk or even to his place for an overnight stay.
Returns home.
How to improve communication between your child and her ex-husband
Psychologists are unanimous in their comments on this matter. In this situation, the ex-wife needs to show wisdom and patience in order to bring her son closer to his dad. After all, whatever one may say, the role of the father in raising children is very important. You need to establish a dialogue with your ex-other half, invite you to a children’s school party, ask to pick up your son from training, take your daughter to the circus on the weekend, and so on.
“It is still unknown whose child this is, and he has no place in my life” is a classic of the genre. Especially among men who are influenced by their own mother, who throughout her life never tires of making comments about her daughter-in-law. And it doesn’t matter that the daughter or son looks like their dad, like two peas in a pod. The argument that the son is not his own makes life much easier for such dads and relieves them of all responsibility. This is the case when a woman is practically powerless. You can do a DNA test and force such a father to pay child support, but the father is unlikely to communicate with the child, unless after more than one year.
No matter how the parties behave during the divorce, the mother must get over her resentment and pride and do everything to improve the relationship between father and children and grandmother with grandchildren. The absence of a father in a child's life is a serious psychological trauma. It is difficult for children who do not communicate with their father to build a full-fledged family in the future, since they do not have before their eyes the correct model of adult behavior.
Revenge and blackmail
She regularly threatens: that she will sue and take away the child, that she will stop giving money, that she will “tell everything about her” to a child or a new man, that she will post intimate photos of her online, and so on.
If the behavior of his ex-wife does not suit him (she is not polite enough, she married someone else, found a good job, looks happy, etc.), she takes it out on the children. This is expressed both in small things (“I won’t carry a 19-liter canister, that’s who she’s fucking with, let him bring her water”), and in more serious things (“Competition? You need him to go there, you pay ").
Constantly hints or even insists on sex with his ex-wife. He brings champagne with sweets, persuades them, they say, why are you breaking, these are not strangers. Having received a refusal, he insults, threatens, and humiliates. Then he comes again as if nothing had happened and the cycle begins again.
Main mistake
Young girls with no life experience, having fallen in love with an older divorced man, look for advice from their friends on the Internet. And there you can read this:
“Your loved one should not leave you because of children. If he separated from his wife, he will still see his children. You must accept this, but do not allow their meetings to cause you inconvenience. Ask him to introduce you to the children and spend time together. But if you don’t want this, let him look for another option that suits everyone.”
Somewhere on the Internet.
For some reason, they believe that a new relationship should erase everything that happened in the past. Perhaps this statement is true for the former wife, but not for the children. And if you follow these tips, you can ruin your relationship.
Just as a woman seeks in a man not only a loved one, but also a father to her children, so a man will not build a serious relationship with a woman if she does not accept his children.
Photo by Anna Pritchard on Unsplash
It happens that a new lover is guided by the statement: “A man needs children as long as their mother is needed,” and tries to push her beloved away from his children with scandals and hysterics, and she succeeds. Well, that means the man she fell in love with is just a scoundrel, and living with a scoundrel is a little joy. In addition, sooner or later she herself and her children may find themselves in a similar situation.
But we will proceed from the fact that you really fell in love with a divorced man, but it is impossible to love him and not love his children. In this case, you will have to face difficulties and be patient to overcome them.
Enough children already
If you are planning to start a family with a divorced man who has children, and observing his reverent attitude towards them, you expect that he will treat your common children with the same love. But no. It is possible that he will no longer want to have children at all. The ones he already has are quite enough for him; after all, they still need to be raised and put on their feet.
“I’ve been married for three years now, my husband has a daughter from his first marriage, whom he won’t get enough of. It was precisely with his attitude towards his daughter that this man bribed me; he is very reasonable and responsible. It seemed to me that with such love for children, we would give birth to at least two more. But I was wrong. He doesn't even want to hear about it. I get along well with his daughter, but I would like to have my own child, but I am forced to play the role of mother in front of someone else’s.”
Oksana, 28 years old.
Do you want to give birth to a baby from your beloved man? Then talk to him about this topic in advance so that you don’t have any disagreements in the future. Finding out his opinion about the prospect of becoming a dad again is very simple. Tell him how much you like his attitude towards children, and then ask him if he wants to have another child.
Photo by John Looy on Unsplash
If he doesn't mind, there is no reason to worry. And when you hear a refusal, you will finally decide whether you will build a serious relationship with him or start looking for another man who wants to become the father of your children.
Correct behavior of parents after divorce
After a marriage officially ends, ex-spouses must behave properly . In particular:
- Mom must forgive her ex-husband and understand that they are not enemies. A father should behave the same way.
- It is necessary to determine each parent will interact
- You cannot speak badly about your ex-spouse or try to form a negative attitude towards him/her in your son or daughter.
You can help your offspring see some of the “advantages” of the new life situation. For example, come up with a plan for spending time together with each parent.
Source: https://razvod-expert.ru/razvod-i-deti/vliyanie-na-psixiku-rebenka/otec-ne-obshhaetsya/
