Advice from a family psychologist: how to deal with your ex-husband and how to communicate after a divorce

It seems like just yesterday you were walking down the altar together happy. I can still hear the joyful cries of “Bitter!” in my head. And everything that happened seemed like a fairy tale that happened to you in reality. And then suddenly you wake up.

Flowers, champagne and tears of happiness dissolve in cruel reality. And instead of the status of a happy bride, you acquire a new one - a bitchy ex-wife. The question arises about what to do with your ex-husband. In this article we will try to consider all possible strategies of behavior in the current situation.

Habitual reactions of an ex-spouse

First, let's look at the typical reactions of a man to divorce:

Pretends that nothing happened. This type of male behavior is characteristic of those who perceive you as property and do not want to part with it. And not because he loves you madly. Now he himself has to cook dinner, wash his socks, iron his shirts and deal with paying utility bills. In this situation, a man is ready to do anything to return everything to the way it was. If you have begun to notice that your ex-husband has begun to show concern for you, this should make you wary. Drive away the thoughts that “maybe I still love my ex-husband.” Most often, this concern is feigned, just sit down and think about why you got divorced and whether it’s worth stepping on the same rake again.
Forced communication because of children. The situation with divorce becomes more complicated when there is a child in the family. As a rule, men do not want to communicate with their ex-wife, but are forced to do this for the sake of their beloved child. Often, a woman, looking at how her son/daughter rejoices at the arrival of her dad, experiences a huge feeling of guilt, because of which she may unconsciously turn the child against the father. This is absolutely impossible to do. In the future, this may result in the child hating his mother because she interfered with his relationship with his father. If it is really difficult for you to observe their warm relationship, then you will need a family psychologist. Perhaps he will be able to overcome your feelings of guilt and improve your relationship with your ex-husband.
Threatens, spreads rumors. Most often this happens if the divorce was initiated by a woman. Thus, resentment speaks in a man. Of course, there is little pleasure in the fact that your ex is spreading rumors and thereby discrediting you in the eyes of relatives and friends. But in this situation, it’s better to just feel sorry for him and not try to take revenge. Perhaps, when the offense passes, he himself will ask you for forgiveness. If there is a possibility that your ex-husband is capable of somehow physically harming you and carrying out his threats, then you need to immediately write a statement to the police!
Closes in on himself. It's not just women who tend to become depressed after divorce. Men are also subject to emotional torment and remorse. They can spend hours replaying in their heads all your quarrels, grievances and regret that they did not understand in time how to find an approach to their now ex-wife. In this situation, you may have rushed to divorce. If you still have feelings for your partner, you can try to restore your marriage. A family psychologist will help you learn to listen to each other, respect and appreciate each other.

Why do exes come back?

Psychologists say that every fourth man makes an attempt to return to his ex-wife. Why do they do this?

Often a man is driven by the need for comfort - he is used to having a clean house, people taking care of him, washing his clothes, preparing his favorite pancakes, paying utility bills on time, etc. Having spent some time in “freedom” and realizing that it is quite difficult to exist alone, he decides to return to where he felt good. From this point of view, the wife is not so bad and her needs are not so great;
if a man left for another, then the motivating factor for returning may be a banal comparison of his former and current partners - not in favor of the latter. I walked around, tried it out, was disappointed in the new woman, realized that I had made a mistake when I decided to get a divorce;
It happens that the ex-spouse really cannot get over the separation - he gets bored and mopes. The longer people have been married, the more common ground they have, shared memories, rituals, and habits. After a divorce, it is difficult for a man to turn over a new leaf, especially if he is over the age of 45-50, because most of his adult life was spent next to the same woman. Emotional attachment to his wife and children will pull him back;
if a partner periodically leaves and returns, then such “comebacks” can be called a respite before a new portion of adventures. In this case, there can be no talk of love on his part. For him, the family is a transshipment base where he can warm up and sleep.

Woman's behavior

With women, in this regard, everything is simpler. They have only two typical behavior patterns:

Beautiful and happy. In this way, a woman tries to raise her self-esteem. Agree, after 5-10 years of marriage you rarely hear from your spouse: “You are so beautiful to me” or “How lucky I am to grab such a beauty!” This is why many women dive headfirst into a series of meaningless novels, just to prove to themselves that they are still capable of something. But this period does not last long, about a couple of months, then the woman becomes depressed.
Broken and desperate. The same mechanism as in the first paragraph, only in reverse. At first, the woman is moping and doesn’t know what to do with her ex-husband. Then she gradually begins to feel the taste of life. Changes hairstyle, style, maybe even job. Freed from daily hassle, the girl feels like a heavy burden has fallen from her fragile shoulders. But now, knowing what life in marriage is, she is in no hurry to walk down the aisle again.

What to do if you have a child together

It’s not difficult to cut your ex out of your life if there are no children in the family or the ex-spouse is not particularly interested in them. But what if he constantly appears on the doorstep? Psychologist Natalya Shevtsova believes that prohibiting communication just because parents are divorced is stupid. You cannot put egocentrism above everything else. Especially if dad and children have a warm relationship. And the child will start to worry.

It is necessary to facilitate moments of reminders of your ex when you have children with the following rules:

allow him to pick them up from their parents or from school,
use this time while they are together for yourself: go to a movie, on a date, to the hairdresser or just sleep,
active activity and communication to distract from unnecessary thoughts.

When a mother takes care of herself, she has a positive impact on the happiness of her children because they have a strong bond. In any case, there is only one life, and it is a pity to waste it regretting the past. It’s better to burn through the problem, discuss the problem with friends and specialists, and move on.

Rules of conduct for ex-spouses

But you should still follow some rules of living together:

This type of residence should be temporary. First of all, it's stressful for both of you. Secondly, you will not be able to build new relationships in such conditions. Thirdly, during such a stay it is impossible to avoid scandals, which will have an extremely negative impact on your children (if you have them). If you see that your husband is not going anywhere, move out yourself. Your nerves are worth more.
Answer honestly the question of whether you want to save the relationship. If you deliberately don’t want to leave, then remember one thing: you won’t be nice by force. And to the question of how to deal with your ex-husband, the only correct answer is: forget and let go.
Divide household responsibilities. Since there was a divorce, you are not obliged to cook breakfast for your ex-husband, even if you live in the same apartment. If necessary, you can even create a duty schedule. Payment for utilities and funds for maintaining the apartment should also be divided in half.
If your husband suffers from alcoholism, drug addiction, or is capable of raising his hand against you, run away from there as soon as possible!

What not to do

The most basic and irreversible mistakes are made in the first time after the divorce process. After all, it is easy, in theory, to abstract yourself from an ex-lover, forget all grievances, find yourself and live correctly, improving your soul and body. In practice, the period of self-flagellation and despair usually lasts for months; “golden rules” and advice cannot become a “magic pill.” But in order not to regret your inability to control yourself for the rest of your life, you should protect yourself from the most basic, most ridiculous and offensive mistakes.

You can cut out these tips for yourself as a reminder until the resentment and emotions subside:

Don't beg. A request to return everything, coming from a humiliated person who is capable of making any sacrifice, will be received coldly and with mockery. There is no other option. Such is the human psyche, if there is the possibility of an easy return, there is no point in rushing back. And vice versa, the more freedom, the more thoughts return to the past.
Don't be humiliated. You need to worry alone with yourself, do not drag your worries to the public court and to Him in particular. It’s better to keep your distance from your ex, forget about the phone and the desire to speak out. It is better to resort to the simplest and most reliable method - write all your thoughts on a piece of paper and then burn it.
Don't try to "pressure on pity." Threats, machinations, conditions, all this will not have any effect. Even if out of pity or fear that something terrible might happen, He returns, He will soon disappear again or the relationship will become such that you will want to cry twice as much.
Show aggression. Screaming, swearing, insults are also just a way to throw out anger. But in this way you can only humiliate yourself and push the person away.
Cause jealousy. Embarking on a wild life with many partners means only making things worse for your self-esteem and future. Besides, how can you tell if your ex is jealous if he is far away? Post all your antics online? Pass it on through friends? It even sounds ridiculous and vulgar.
Ask about his feelings. The most dangerous thing is to voice such a question in the midst of a quarrel. Out of emotion, the ex-lover will blurt out all the unpleasant reality. And even with calm communication, such a question will only confuse a man. The likelihood that He will suddenly melt, remember all the good things and decide to return is zero.
Manipulation of children. A family should not stick together just to raise a child together. This is not the best example for children, and it will not bring real happiness and peace of mind. Couples get together for the sake of children, but often separate again, or live in tension, keeping each other at a distance.

The most important advice that works both after divorce and before marriage is the need to love yourself. Only self-sufficient individuals who respect, first of all, themselves and their personal space, are able to create a strong union based on mutual respect and trust. Even if the end point has been reached in your first marriage, you should reconsider your views, first of all on yourself, and not carry old grievances into your new life. Both partners are always to blame for the breakdown of the family. It is a fact.

Ex-husband wants to come back

However, there are many cases where exes start dating again after a divorce. And some are also walking down the aisle in the second round! “Will your ex-husband come back?” – the question is quite complicated. It all depends on the reason for the divorce. If he went to his mistress, then there is no need to wait for him. In any situation you need to maintain your own dignity. But all other cases give a small chance of resuscitating the relationship.

Psychology of "formers"

There can be many reasons why an application for divorce is filed, and there is no point in listing them all; bad things have already happened. There won't be just one person to blame either. No matter how statistics operate on the data that in 90% of cases a woman initiates a divorce, it cannot be said that she ran to the registry office of her own free will and desire. The psychology of a husband after a divorce is also ambiguous and depends not on average data, but on a specific person. So we will also look for male aggression in the individual psychotype, which has a social imprint (after all, divorce is more common among 30-40-50 year olds):

Dependent on the opinions of others. Friendship between former spouses is the lot of Europeans; in the post-Soviet space, an unspoken rule about enmity and hostility has been adopted. Many sources call this pattern a “tribute to tradition.” Obeying the opinion of the majority, reveling in conversations at drunken men's gatherings about selfish and greedy ex-wives, a man is filled with hatred and burns with revenge. This explains why the ex-husband is mercilessly rude to any peacemaking gesture or divorce issue.
Egocentrism or a manipulator. Character sometimes takes on new colors when comfort and humility go away along with half of the property. Many men “slamming the door” even hope that after a while their wife, who has realized everything, will crawl to them. When this does not happen, a period of hatred and rejection of one’s shaky Ego begins. Here you should be especially careful, since injured pride can push you to do the lowest things, even to the point that your ex-husband will terrorize you and threaten you with violence. It would be a good idea to enter the number of the district police officer and SBI services into your address book.
Failed. When the time of rose-colored glasses and carefreeness gives way to bills for an apartment and bank statements for a mortgage, a man begins to think about the inadequacy of his income. At such a moment, he does not always think logically, cutting down expenses and finding ways to earn extra money or career growth. Sometimes thoughts wander to the side - “if it weren’t for this horde that needs to be fed, I would have everything I want.” Only after a divorce does it not become easier, but when you have children together, it only gets worse. Why does the ex-husband begin to hate his now ex-wife even more passionately?
Secretly in love. And such a paradox occurs. Since childhood, it’s not for nothing that grandmothers teach “hitting means loving.” When a man begins to miss his ex-wife, she is often no longer free, and jealousy and loneliness give rise to anger.

Signs

Signs that your ex-husband wants to return to you:

Interested in your life directly or through friends. An indifferent person does not care at all about how you are doing, what happened to your mother, or what problems you have at work. Consequently, you are remembered and perhaps missed.
Making up excuses to meet you. Has your ex-husband been unable to move his things for a month? It’s not a matter of forgetfulness; a man is a hunter who first lulls the vigilance of his prey and then attacks. But only the victim decides whether to surrender to the predator or run away.
He began to take care of himself. Remember how many times you asked your ex-husband to shave, but to no avail. If you notice that your man smells like new perfume, he is always clean-shaven and smartly dressed, then he is not trying for his own sake. In this way he is trying to attract attention to himself.

Learn to separate

Each of us has several roles in life. For some you are a colleague, for others a friend, for your parents you will always be a daughter, and for your children - a mother. And there are different lines of behavior for each role. Over time, you get more of them. When you get married, you become a wife, daughter-in-law, daughter-in-law. Then some of the roles leave your life, and some will remain with you forever. One of them is an ex-wife, for example.

The same is true for your ex-husband. He continues to be a father to his children and a son to his parents. These circumstances are unshakable. Separate the image of your man from the image of the father of your children. Then it will become easier for you to distance yourself from him.

Your concern that the father will have a negative influence on the children is justified. But you must give your children a chance to make an informed decision. Talk to them about what concerns you. And then release them. You won’t put your thoughts into their heads anyway.

Agree with yourself in advance that the appearance of a new girlfriend with your husband is a normal and completely natural phenomenon. Try to delicately discuss with him the introduction of a new girl with children. And give him the idea that changes in your personal life may also occur. The sooner he gets used to this idea, the easier it will be to accept your new chosen one.

Adviсe

All of the above suggests that it is too early to give up on your marriage. Perhaps if you start on a new line, things will go differently. First of all, decide on your feelings; you shouldn’t fool a man because of your indecision.

When you see the first signs of attention, directly tell your ex-husband that you are not sure that you are ready to reciprocate his feelings. If nothing like this is observed, there is no need to wait until your beloved comes to his senses, walks up and returns. He doesn't deserve it. We put on our stiletto heels and go to conquer new heights.

Rights of spouses after divorce

Immediately after a divorce, some rights are lost. However, if a woman does not have housing, then after the divorce she is given a certain period of time to find a new apartment. Usually you are allowed to live in your ex-husband’s apartment for a month. The rights of spouses after divorce are the same, this applies to property and raising children.

Many interesting articles about relationships can be found on our website:

Improve your personal life after divorce
Why does my husband always manipulate the divorce?
Divorce during pregnancy
Conspiracy to divorce your husband - when and how to do it
How to help your child cope with their parents' divorce

You can’t call women bitches or get angry at them. Remember that both are to blame for a divorce, so you shouldn’t blame men for everything. You don't have to give up on new relationships forever. Divorce is a painful event that affects one's self-esteem as well as self-esteem. Very often, a woman and a man give up on their personal lives, believing that they no longer need their other halves.

Children and ex-spouse

One more point that cannot be ignored. What to do with your ex-husband if you have children together? The woman's task in this situation is incredibly difficult. You can quietly hate your partner, but you absolutely cannot show this to your child!

Children are very vulnerable creatures, and sometimes you have to close your eyes to your feelings in order to help your child survive their parents’ divorce as comfortably as possible, even if the relationship with their ex-husband is not working out.

How not to compare all men with your ex and not stop trusting men?4

It often happens to girls that if the first relationship was unsuccessful and the man was not very successful, then this leaves a certain imprint. Then they begin to suspect that all men are the same and are afraid to trust anyone. But everyone needs family and close people, besides, women have a very well developed maternal instinct and sooner or later, every girl wants to become a mother. And without a man you cannot create a full-fledged family.

So how to get rid of this annoying thought that all men are equally bad? Yes, of course, there are unworthy men, but there are also worthy, good men. First of all, you need to understand that all people are different and you can’t compare anyone.

In childhood, they probably told every child, but my friend’s son or daughter is different from you, and so on, because no one liked it. Now look at it from the men's point of view. Even if you don't tell them that you're constantly comparing yourself to your ex, it's still not fair to them. You can’t row everyone with the same comb.

In order not to lose trust in all men, no matter how strange it may sound, you still have to trust, no matter how scary it is. You just need to choose the right man who will respect and appreciate you, in a word, worthy. Learn to look closely at people and see the positive qualities in them. You need to be able to communicate with people in order to see what they live.

Even if at first glance it seems to you that a person comes to you only with the best intentions, do not rush to open your soul to him, know how to wait. Give a man a chance to tame you, prove that he is worthy of your trust, watch him, wait and the result will not be long in coming. Learn to look at people and wait.

If you feel that you cannot cope on your own, then do not hesitate to contact a psychologist; perhaps only with him you can find the true reasons for the mistrust. It is quite possible that only qualified help will help you get rid of some problems in your relationships with other people.

If you work for a large company and have a psychologist on staff, ask him to give you tips on communicating with your ex. If this is truly an expert in his field, then he will definitely help you avoid conflict and unpleasant situations. But what does it mean if your ex doesn’t look you in the eye? Read carefully in our article below.

Message from the Editor

Analyzing the characteristics of the relationship between a man and a woman is something that brings us great pleasure. We search, carefully collect facts, analyze information from other articles every day, analyze comments and user reviews in order to compile the most necessary material for each of you. Our experts spend hours discussing many controversial issues in the field of relationship psychology, doing various experiments - everything that we prepare for you is completely true. We really hope that you will be able to wisely take advantage of practical advice and modern knowledge in matters of relationships. Our team of employees is trying to ensure that you find your person and understand how to properly build the basic elements of a relationship.

Advice for ex-wife

Try following these guidelines:

Talk to your child. It is advisable that the child learns that his parents are separating before the divorce process. It's unpleasant when you are simply presented with a fact. Give your child the opportunity to express his opinion on this matter. It is possible that the first conversation will cause an attack of aggression in the child, especially if he is in adolescence. Don’t push or impose, let him comprehend the new information a little and he will contact you himself.
Provide equal opportunity for the child to communicate with both mother and father. The law in 90% of cases takes the mother’s side when determining the child’s place of residence. And only a negligible percentage of women have the wisdom not to interfere with his relationship with his father. No matter how difficult it may be for you, you cannot forbid your child to communicate with his dad. In this way, you inflict colossal psychological trauma on the child, which may not turn out well in his adult life.
Avoid scandals in the presence of a child. If you and your ex-husband have a hostile relationship, then adhere to some boundaries in communication. Even an exchange of short phrases is better than a series of reproaches at the first opportunity.

What NOT to do in communicating with a child after a divorce?

Tell your child unpleasant moments from your life together, situations of divorce from your ex-husband, allow yourself to make aggressive attacks against him, express your negative attitude towards him. Even if a child witnesses a quarrel between parents, it is important for him to make it clear that the parents were quarreling, this happens. A child is like an apple, consisting of two halves: one half is father’s, one is mother’s. And if he hears that one of his parents is somehow not like that (“an alcoholic”, “does not keep his word: he promises and does not come”, “does not give money”), then it is as if one half of this apple is juicy and healthy , and the other one is kind of rotten. How will he live like this, half spoiled?
Team up with a child against his father in order to gain the support of his son or daughter, or to take revenge on his ex-husband. Wanting to receive sympathy, or perhaps in order to muffle the feeling of guilt in front of the child, sometimes the mother shares with the child some details of the tense relationship with his father before the divorce, stories about quarrels, harsh, caustic words thrown by her ex-husband.
Prohibit openly or implicitly disapprove of the child’s communication with his father.
Support the child's reluctance to communicate with his father. Your task as a mother is to help maintain the child’s relationship with his father.

It is important for a child to understand that he was born from two good people, he is the heir of two families, which will give him the strength to move on in life successfully and happily.

But what if the mother herself does not have this confidence? The best thing you can do for your child in this situation is to go to a personal psychologist to sort out your feelings towards your ex-husband and his family so that they do not affect the development and life of your child.

A child deprived of one of the two supports (mom's or father's) will not be able to confidently move through life. It is important for him that both parents take part in his upbringing; their care, help and support are important to him.

If you hear from your child: “I don’t want to meet with dad (pick up the phone),” then ask yourself whether you are ready for the child to communicate with his father, whether you support him. Behind this refusal may be that the child feels that these meetings or conversations evoke strong feelings in you: anxiety, anger, irritation, and the child, with his refusal, can protect you, depriving himself of communication with his dad.

During consultations we are sometimes asked questions such as:

“What to do if you want to protect your child from communicating with his father as much as possible?”

“When the child is with his father, he hears a lot of negative things about his mother.”

“I’m worried about HOW the child spends time with dad.”

If there is a desire to protect the child as much as possible from communication with the father, relatives on his side, so that they do not say bad things about the mother, do not turn the child against you, then it is important to remember that this is like trying to block one of the two main streams that feed the fountain of the child’s life .

At the same time, building a relationship, first of all, with your ex-husband so that the child feels comfortable being with his mother and her family, and with his father and his relatives, is important. Firstly, after the parents separate, the child should have one home where he spends most of his time. More often, the child stays with his mother, and even if, even while he is with his father, there are deviations from the daily routine and proper nutrition, this will not be critical for him.

Prohibit the child from communicating with grandparents and other relatives on the father’s side.
Scare the child that you will send him to live with his father if he does not obey or behaves badly. The child will hear these words as if they can be easily abandoned.
Consult with your child about “adult” issues. For a child, this is “beyond his ability”; he should not be an arbiter in adult relationships.
You should also not share your experiences, anxieties, and feelings with your child. He cannot be a psychotherapist for mom.

We go into great detail in this article on how to build communication with a child after a divorce, since this will largely affect communication with your ex-husband.