How does your ex-wife feel when left alone?
How a woman experiences a divorce depends on her readiness for this important step, which consists of two main factors:
- her personal feeling of the role she plays in the couple (followed, dependent, suppressed, etc.);
- a woman’s understanding of the usefulness and significance of her family as a unit of society (asocial, socially significant, statistically average, etc.).
If the mutual rejection of the spouses leads to their joint decision to separate, which inevitably comes after prolonged coldness in the relationship, family cruelty or betrayal, then the first feeling of a woman after a divorce will resemble euphoria. The same effect, similar to the delight of a sense of freedom, will be experienced by a girl who initiated a breakup after numerous attempts to fix a relationship that was difficult for her psychologically.
How do women cope with divorce on their own initiative?
The stage of relief and happiness after liberation from marital oppression is fraught with many dangers. The ex-wife may lose control of the almost forgotten sense of permissiveness and decline morally and socially, which is most likely if there are no children in the house. As a rule, within the first 2 years sobering up occurs, the woman begins to yearn for full-fledged family relationships and a state of codependency with her loved one.
It is worse for a woman if the proposal to divorce came from her husband at a time when, in her opinion, the happiness of the family was not in danger. In this case, acceptance of the situation will be accompanied by a phase transition from a critical state of shock and depression to complete and conscious liberation from the shackles of the past.
Psychology of divorce for women
According to the Federal State Statistics Service (Rosstat), in the country, depending on the region, up to 60% of marriages break up after 5 years of marriage. Not the worst statistics in the world, although quite disappointing. So what is the psychology of a woman after a divorce that pushes her to take such a step?
We cannot exclude the social background of divorces. Now young people born at the end of the last century are getting married. After the collapse of the Union, the sharply deteriorating economic situation in Russia affected the well-being of many families and affected children. As they grew up, they began to seek material gain in relationships between the sexes. This applies equally to men and women.
The bar for public morality has fallen. Prudence became the basis of a marriage. Now the concept of a “marriage contract” has even appeared. When the conditions are negotiated in case of divorce, so that there are no unnecessary claims if you have to run away.
Today we have become easy-going about the institution of family. Divorce is no longer perceived by women as an unusual event in life. Even the expression “getting married” appeared. It's so easy and simple, something like going to the store for bread. “I tried once, I’ll try again. What's wrong with that? Katya has already gotten married three times, and nothing is wrong, she lives for herself. Am I worse?
Love has replaced sex. And this is intimacy without responsibilities. Youth is characterized by ardor. Now many perceive their passions as true relationships and rush to the registry office. And when the infatuation passes, it turns out that they were cruelly mistaken about each other.
When the husband initiates the divorce, it suppresses the wife. She is in a depressed state and is having a hard time. After all, you have to be left alone, but what if you have children in your arms? What then to do, because they need to be supported, and the salary is small.
And here a dilemma arises: either turn a blind eye to your husband’s provocative behavior (let’s say he’s cheating), pretend that nothing happened, and console yourself that you need to endure for the sake of the children, or abruptly break off the relationship.
Not everyone is capable of leaving her husband. Here you need to have character and not be afraid of consequences. After all, until everything gets settled, you will have to raise the children alone, let’s say there are no parents or they are not helping. A woman who is independent and independent in her judgment is quite capable of this.
A third option is possible - try to have a frank conversation in order to sort things out and reconcile. Forgive each other all your small and big sins, try to relearn how to live together - without lies and deception. If the dislike for each other has not gone too far, this is quite likely. As we know, hope dies last.
Some women in such a situation, especially when there are no children, “go off the rails” and indulge in all serious things - they begin to walk uncontrollably. However, this is not a way out of the situation, there will be no happiness from such a life, only problems.
It is important to know! Divorce for a woman is not an ordinary event. If it does happen, you need to be prepared for it, so that later you don’t “sip cabbage soup with bast shoes” - you don’t end up alone without a livelihood and hope for a new happy life.
Phases of experiencing a breakup
How can a woman survive a divorce? Documented divorce is not actually the beginning of the psychological experiences of the weaker half, because this episode is preceded by a number of steps taken by the couple after the spouse’s decision was announced. As a rule, the very fact of the final signing of all formal papers occurs already in the second critical phase of a woman’s condition, especially if the spouses stopped living together immediately after a difficult conversation.
There are no strict deadlines for any of the four essential stages of a girl’s awareness of her new situation, so how long women who find themselves in a similar situation survive a divorce will depend on many nuances.
"I am a woman and I dream of..."
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After a divorce, you feel the complete collapse of all your dreams, but life doesn’t end there. Who is stopping you from creating new dreams for yourself? Yes, you may be afraid to start dreaming because you are frustrated and empty. Put those fears aside and dare to dream a very big dream for a strong and brave person like you. From this day forward, be determined and give yourself the mindset to become better and, most importantly, more independent and self-reliant. Love yourself and know that one day you will love someone else again, and he will love you!
Shock
This is the shortest phrase, rarely exceeding 10 days in length, since the woman’s body, blocking the flow of negative information and maintaining her sanity, instantly turns on defensive reactions, one of the elements of which is “disbelief.” During this period, which comes immediately after the husband informs his wife of his intentions, the girl’s consciousness seems to abstract from reality, and she refuses to believe what happened.
If the husband, having expressed his desire out loud, still continues to live under the same roof with his wife, the shock stage will be less acute and will quickly move to the next phase, because the presence of the husband will constantly remind of what happened. It’s another matter when a man, having reported the news, immediately leaves the house, leaving his ex-wife alone with this information. In this case, the woman will hope for his return and refuse to believe in the finality of the breakup for much longer - up to 4-6 weeks.
The first steps towards your real self. Healing after divorce
Recommended steps that are important to take in relation to yourself are:
- Take time for yourself . Fill yourself with feminine energy. And the most important thing is to support our physical body; it retains stress for a long time. Therefore, in this situation, massages, wraps, acupuncture, swimming, travel and anti-stress therapy can help.
- Make yourself beautiful. Love yourself . Contact a makeup artist or hairdresser, change your image, choose suitable clothes. Many women change their haircut frequently. By cutting off the length of your hair, you get rid of the burden of the past and renew yourself. And this works too.
- Analyze feelings . Claims, pain, resentment can be transformed with the help of art therapy (singing, drawing, dancing). You need to occupy your consciousness with something filling, while simultaneously working through the pain that is inside you. But if your feelings are so strong that you cannot get yourself off the couch, you need the help of a specialist.
To achieve the state of a fulfilled woman after you have adapted to changes in your life, you need to use the following tools:
- Surround yourself with resourceful people. Those who live a full life will inspire you and give you the necessary motivation.
- Find new activities. Which will enrich your inner world. Create new habits.
- Develop your femininity through trainings and practices. Contact those who know a lot about this.
Changes in body + consciousness + emotions are the path to a new you.
And as soon as you find harmony with yourself, you will be able to attract worthy men into your life. Start a new relationship without repeating mistakes. Alla Demidenko, Growth Phase
Conscious suffering
From the numerous stories of women who have undergone divorce, it is clear that the next phase, when the abandoned wife begins to fully understand what happened, is a time of mental anguish and torment. This stage has little to do with introspection, but already contains attempts to “recognize trouble in person.”
A woman experiences feelings of guilt and aggression at the same time, tries to find those to blame for the breakdown of relationships, and often during this period breaks family and friendly ties with people, in her opinion, involved in the tragedy. The second phase is characterized by the following:
- self-deprecation of the individual;
- feeling resentful towards everyone;
- hysterical emotional outbursts;
- conscious reduction in the standard of one’s life (“self-flagellation”).
This phase usually takes from two to four months, unless the woman chooses alcohol or other means of oblivion as a solution to the problem, prolonging the torment indefinitely.
The end of the stage of “conscious suffering,” as psychologists have found, comes with a woman’s understanding of a simple truth - both in the formation of relationships and in their destruction, the efforts of both partners are always involved. This means that it is wrong to blame only yourself for what happened.
“I am grateful to my ex-husband for valuable life lessons.”
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The lessons may not be exactly what you want, but they will always be what you need, at exactly the right moment and at the right time. Be able to evaluate them correctly!
Life after divorce is a long and bumpy road, but it is truly worth the effort. At first you will not see all the pros and cons, as they are often overshadowed by pain, but they will move you forward. Although we do not have the ability to choose our lessons, we should still stop, listen and pay attention to them. Accept them, thank them and move on.
Residual effects
How does a woman cope with divorce after the critical period? Within one to one and a half years after the sad event, the severity of separation from the spouse is smoothed out, and feelings of brokenness and grief no longer prevail in the girl’s life. Gradually, she learns to form a new comfort zone around herself, in which even the casual presence of her ex-husband would be inappropriate and alarmingly exciting.
Periodically, the relative calm of the third phase is interrupted by brief but intense moments of stress. The causes of emotional negativity are unexpected meetings with the ex-husband, his relatives, friends, or any significant events associated with the personality of the ex-lover.
At this stage of preliminary farewell to the past, the woman is not yet ready to accept another person into her personal zone and is extremely sensitive to any mention of such an alleged need. Based on the many stories of women who have experienced divorce, if the ex-husband decides to return to the family during this period of time, the reunification of the spouses either does not occur at all or is painful for both parties.
From the author
“How to survive a divorce?” - this is a difficult book. It’s complicated not in the sense that you can’t make out anything in it, everything is confused and incomprehensible, but in the fact that the problem is very acute and very painful - in the life of a couple, many things happen during this period that you can’t remember later awkward.
In general, this book is, how can I put it... impartial, or something. No, I am not going to expose anyone here, to say who is right and who is wrong. No way. After a fight, you know, they don’t wave their fists. And when going through a divorce, we need to think not about how we lived before, but about how we should live in the future.
USEFUL INFORMATION: I stopped loving my wife. How to save a marriage or better let it go
There will be no instructions on “how to keep your husband” in this book either. Divorce must be survived, and not turned into a battle for property. Because, as practice shows, such “just wars” do not lead to anything good. In general, there is no talk of any manipulation of human consciousness here either.
And of course, I cannot, and I do not have the right to advise a person what to do, that is, what decision to make - try to save the marriage or not do it, kick out a husband who lives in two families, or not do it, wait for the prodigal spouse , who “flew away but promised to return,” or not to do so. Such recommendations are not within my competence.
What is this book about then?
In it I talk about the feelings and reactions of a woman who finds herself in a state of acute and severe stress. I talk about what is happening in her soul, how she copes with this tragedy, experiences this trauma. And I’m not just telling, but illustrating with actions, actions that a woman performs while in this state
It is important for me to show that in a situation of divorce a woman behaves this way and not differently, not of her own free will. This is the mysticism of objective psychology - to know about the “miracles” that happen in reality, their nature and properties
In addition, I will tell you what is behind the behavior of a man who leaves his family. I will try to explain the nature of his reactions and actions. And of course, I cannot help but mention the situation in which children find themselves who are destined to witness the death of this Titanic - their parental family - with their own eyes. In general, of course, there is no need to be afraid for them, they will be saved - the probability is close to one hundred percent. But the question is different - how will the parents’ divorce affect their psychology and their own, future, upcoming family life? Will they then board - and how will they board - another, their own family ship?
Basically, this is a book about what happens in a divorce situation. I will try to be as impartial as possible and not make judgments. I also kindly ask the reader not to take any of my words literally, that is, as a guide to action. Each person who finds himself in such a situation must be guided by his own feelings, interests, and desires. The doctor cannot give advice. No.
But I know for sure that if a woman understands what is happening to her, if she finds herself in such a situation, if a man understands what is happening with the woman to whom he announced a divorce, they will be more likely to get through this misfortune and find new points of contact. Life does not end with a divorce, but it is necessary, simply vital, that it quickly return, begin again after this trauma
And it is very important that this new life be different, that it be better
There is, however, another purpose for this book. Divorce allows us to draw very important, serious conclusions - both regarding ourselves and our future. And it’s time to finally understand and admit: the situation of divorce is not shameful, not shameful, not humiliating. And we think so! Maybe we don’t understand it, we don’t realize it, but we really think about divorce this way. And this only makes everything worse, much worse – psychologically. No, divorce is not shameful, it’s not true. It's just very, very difficult.
Divorcing people carry a terrible burden of guilt on their shoulders, not always realizing it, but this is almost always the case. They often blame themselves, but, as a rule, not for what, perhaps, they should. It seems to me that the ex-husband and wife should feel guilt towards each other - after all, they could not make each other happy. This is truly a sin.
But it turns out that former spouses feel guilt and shame in front of others (relatives, friends, colleagues) - what will they think, what will they say, how will they react? But this, really, is absolutely none of their business – those around them. The couple is experiencing a tragedy, this is their tragedy, their pain and their guilt before each other.
I want to talk about this tragedy – honestly, without mincing words. Perhaps somewhere this story will not be too pleasant. But the truth is that no tragedy, if you look at it from the inside, is unfortunately beautiful. Only in books. And before us is life.
Completion
According to women's reviews, it is possible to survive a divorce as a life drama, of which only infrequent and slightly sad memories remain, no earlier than after one and a half to two years. The habit of relying on one’s own strength and the ability to cope with difficulties without outside help increases the girl’s personal self-esteem, and she already soberly assesses her plans for the future.
If the ex-spouse’s life outside the family did not work out, and he wants to resume relations with the chosen one he once abandoned, his chances of again conquering a person who has gone through all 4 phases of post-divorce trials are only a few percent. The sight of a betrayed husband no longer causes emotional outbursts in a woman, and she is able to conduct a productive dialogue with him without sentimental retreats towards the past.
Restoring trust in men en masse, the desire to flirt and be liked, as well as the need to create new relationships are also signs of a woman’s “recovery” from old emotional wounds.
“I am the most important value”
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Many of us lose ourselves when we are in unfulfilling or toxic relationships, and the subsequent divorce can significantly reduce self-esteem.
We completely forget about our originality and uniqueness. Starting over is a chance to recognize your worth and reclaim your power. How to do it? Remember who you are and why you should love yourself. Realize who you have become and who you want to be. You must love and respect yourself before you demand it from others.
How to get over a divorce from your husband easier - working with emotions
Regardless of whether the relationship between husband and wife was bad or good, people psychologically adapt to any version of the family norm, which can be very difficult for them to abandon. Having been deprived of what has hitherto been the basis of her life (marital life), a woman almost loses the ability to think rationally and spends a large amount of time on soul-searching. Is it possible to avoid senseless tossing and turning and how can a woman survive a divorce from her husband without losing self-respect? Here are some recommendations from those who have already gone through a breakup:
- Emotional outburst. Betrayal by a loved one causes a natural negative output reaction in a partner, blocking which is dangerous for mental health. A woman needs to cry, take out her resentment on her husband’s personal belongings left at home, and speak out to someone who is ready to listen to her without reciprocal condemnation.
- Graceful communication. In the post-divorce period, a girl needs to meet more often with friends who, in such a situation, take a neutral position or are on the side of the victim. Communication with friends of the spouse, who can convey distorted information about the girl’s words and behavior to her ex-partner, is excluded.
- Encouraging small victories. A girl can consolidate each new achievement of overcoming the next stage of the difficult path to freedom with a small gift - a pleasant purchase, a trip to the cinema, a delicious dessert. The best way to periodically lift your spirits and maintain your “fighting spirit” is shopping with your best friend.
- Flirting. Light flirting in the form of a smile or slightly expressed non-verbal signals attracts the opposite sex and allows the girl to always be in good shape. Submitting to the rules of flirting, a woman will unconsciously try to look sexually attractive, which already denies the possibility of falling into depression.
In terms of emotional manifestations, one should take into account the difference in how men and women experience divorce. Unlike male representatives, who invest most of their accumulated negative emotions into physical labor, girls are often “punished” by pouring out negativity from their relatives, which is unacceptable. This can be prevented by a simple method of psychological relaxation - having retired, the girl sits in front of the mirror, visualizes the image of her ex-husband in the reflection and expresses everything that has accumulated in her soul. After this exercise, the woman is no longer tormented by the feeling of unsaidness left after the breakup, and she is ready to move on.
How can it be easier to cope with a divorce from your husband in other ways?
You are not the same as your ex. How to communicate with your ex-partner? + Practice
After a divorce, many women prohibit men from communicating with children because it is difficult for them to be around their ex-husband.
This behavior is relevant if the divorce was difficult, with insults, quarrels, scandals, and now the woman wants to take out negative emotions on her ex-husband, to cause him pain. This is a big mistake, because children are the first to suffer from such a decision.
Dad is part of the child's life because he gave him this life.
Therefore, the first step to a healthy family is forgiveness. As a rule, it takes a woman about a year to calm down and adapt to the situation.
We need this time to process the trauma of loss. Recognize your feelings, express grievances, complaints, pain, but the child should not participate in this.
Remember: there are no ex-husbands. It happens first, second, third and so on.
Agree with your spouse to meet on neutral territory, under someone else's supervision. If it is difficult for you to see a man, you can ask your parents or friends to drop off and pick up your child at first.
But you definitely need to work on your conditions in order to communicate with a man calmly. When you have a feeling of completion, acceptance, forgiveness, this will have a beneficial effect on the child.
The son (daughter) will develop the right attitude towards life. After all, his worldview is formed from your attitude towards his father.
If you don’t accept the man, blame him, hate him, you are killing this part in your child, because you don’t like dad’s traits (appearance, character) in him.
Therefore, it is very important to learn to treat former partners with gratitude. After all, your feelings for your ex-husband are what your child will feel for himself.
Practice
Imagine your husband in front of you. His image down to the smallest detail. Now listen to your feelings. How does the body react when you see it?
Ask yourself “What do I want to do?” - the first thing that comes to mind. Hit, scream or maybe hug? Or turn away and walk away, never to be seen again?
Tell this person “I'm sorry this happened. I'm in pain, I'm lonely. But no one is to blame.” And listen, what is changing inside?
And after that, learn to say “Thank you” to him. You say “thank you” not specifically to this person, but to that part in your heart that has been around in the form of your husband for so many years.
By blaming him every day you beat yourself up. When you learn to thank for the valuable things he taught you, what he gave you, for the experience, even for the pain, you will gradually heal.
Transforming your life for the better
How can a woman survive a divorce without losing herself and gaining in external attractiveness? Many girls recommend:
- Visit a cosmetologist and makeup artist. It is not at all necessary to use all the decorative cosmetics from the arsenal recommended by the latter; it is enough to see yourself once in the mirror after the work of a makeup artist and be positively charged with the feeling of your beauty.
- Change your hairstyle and make it a point to visit your hairdresser every month. Buy cosmetics.
- Save or borrow a significant amount so as not to deny yourself what you need, and go to another city or country for a week. The best option is to take an unmarried friend with you.
- Remove from your wardrobe all the things that evoke exciting associations with events from your past life, and buy clothes (even inexpensive ones) that would better suit the inner world of a freed, open nature.
- Make some rearrangements in the apartment and plan cosmetic repairs for the near future, and it’s better to do it step by step, enjoying the process itself.
- Sign up for a gym or dance class. From the very beginning, you should make an internal vow not to miss classes and to work in such a way as to constantly and dynamically improve your results.
One of the best tips on how a woman can survive a divorce without serious psychological distress is to get more sleep. In the first time after breaking up, you need to devote all your free time to sleep. If a girl follows this advice, within a few days she will feel rested and full of healthy energy.
How to return to normal life?
The main task of any person who has experienced a separation from a spouse is to return to normal life as quickly as possible. Advice from psychologists that will help you quickly restore your emotional state:
- Get rid of old things. We are talking about those items that you bought together with your husband. These things will remind you of the past every day. Throw away or give away old souvenirs, books, and household items to someone. As soon as they stop catching your eye, you will feel how much easier life will become.
- Start repairs. Change the wallpaper, rearrange the furniture, buy new things for the home. This is a great way to take your mind off obsessive thoughts and arrange your apartment in a new way.
- Change your hairstyle. External renewal will serve as a good impetus for internal changes.
- Get a pet. This is a good way to redirect your attention and give love and care to someone who will reciprocate your feelings.
- Join a gym. Start improving your figure. Your own attractiveness will help increase your self-esteem.
- Go on a trip. New experiences are the best cure for depression
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Mistakes that can cause harm
Based on the actual state of a woman in the first post-divorce phase, she will not be able to completely protect herself from stress, but preventing common mistakes that are fraught with serious consequences is a completely doable task.
How can a woman survive a divorce when left alone with a difficult situation? In their reviews, women recommend:
- Don't expect your spouse to return. It is possible that the marriage will be revived, but this will only happen under the conditions that the girl learns to respect herself and does not seek meetings with her ex. It is also strictly forbidden to call him, arrange conversations with mutual friends in order to find out about his life outside the home, etc.
- Don’t indulge in unbridled joy while celebrating your “liberation.” Cardinal life changes require comprehension, subject to strict stages, and drowning out your own thoughts with alcohol or club entertainment will only hinder this important process.
- Spontaneous arrangement of personal life. To avoid feeling lonely, some women plunge into new relationships before the mental pain of divorce subsides. As a result, the chance of meeting a decent person or soberly assessing the advantages and disadvantages of a potential companion is very small. More often than not, such attempts to calm internal torment end disastrously for both partners.
The most common and dangerous scenario for a woman’s frivolity after separating from her husband is to fuel the hope that everything will work out on its own and that no efforts need to be made to arrange your future. This leads to the fact that the girl noticeably deteriorates in appearance, loses the ability to dynamically develop her personality and disappears entirely into pipe dreams that are in no way connected with reality.
The main reasons for divorce among women
The reasons why women initiate divorce vary. However, everyone is disappointed in their husband. Today, female representatives are more independent and do not want to tolerate a person next to them who does not meet their life needs.
External reasons that gave rise to divorce may be:
- I really want to, but I have no mind
. The girl is already ripe for an intimate life, but psychologically she is not ready to start a family. There is no idea that this is a great moral responsibility. There is no desire to take care of my husband, children, or order in the house. Love without responsibilities is much more beautiful. Disagreements begin with your spouse. It comes to divorce. At trial, such couples often explain that they do not get along in character, each has a different vision of their life together. - Emancipation
. When the feeling of independence goes off scale, “you and I have equal rights, but I have more equal rights.” Such women are quite frivolous about family life. They don't like to do housework. They always have an argument in stock that if her husband starts “attacking” her, they can run away in time. - Disappointment in family life
. Fatigue from the relationship has taken its toll, everything is annoying. Love has become boring, so have household chores. The husband suddenly became a burden, she makes good money without him, she will be able to support the child herself. He does not understand what is happening with his soul mate, he makes comments to her, she brushes off his reprimands. Quarrels begin, sooner or later they lead to divorce. - Despot in the family
. The husband humiliates his wife in every possible way and believes that he is the head of the family. If she tries to object, she opens her hands. Some women, due to their character, endure beatings meekly. This can go on for many years, but then the limit of patience comes, they find the strength to leave. And others remain all their lives under the heel of their despot husband. The reasons for this may be different. Let's say there is a fear of being left alone with the children or having nowhere to go. - My husband drinks
. It seems like he’s good when he’s sober, but when he starts drinking, run away from home. She endured it for a long time and persuaded him to stop drinking. When he sobers up, he promises and repents that he will no longer look into the glass. But some time passes, drinking starts all over again. Persuasion does not help, but he does not want to be treated. Doesn't consider himself an alcoholic. The woman cried all her tears and had to get a divorce. - Constantly changes
. He found a mistress on the side or even had another family, but he doesn’t want to go to her. It’s a pity to break the usual way of life, and I don’t want to lose my children. But he doesn’t feel the same feelings for his wife, he just powders his brains. She understands this, tolerates it, and is even ready to forgive the betrayal, just to settle down. But it’s all in vain, divorce is inevitable. - The feelings are gone
. Love is hot and passionate. And suddenly she went somewhere. They became indifferent to each other and started an affair on the side. Only children maintain relationships, but as they grew up, they began to understand that things weren’t going well with mom and dad. And the couple decided to separate quietly, peacefully, without damaging the psyche of their children. Although quite often there are high-profile divorces, accompanied by mutual accusations of all mortal sins. - Deeply personal
. In court, such couples most often hide the reason for the divorce. But the point is the dissimilarity of views on intimate life. He wants a lot, but she doesn’t need it at all, especially when children appeared. There is discord in the family, the husband begins to take sides, she sees this and cannot tolerate it. It comes to divorce.
Divorce is an extreme situation when the relationship between spouses has reached a dead end. Before you run away, you need to try to find a way out of this situation. After all, there was something beautiful in life that made them fall in love with each other!
