Everyone's feelings after divorce are different. This depends not only on the character of the person, but also on the relationships in the former family. But in any case, even if the marriage was short-term or long-term, terrible or simply not very successful, cutting a loved one out of your life is always painful. Especially if you have children together.
Most couples in the event of a divorce are divided into the culprit and the victim, but at the same time, everyone has their own truth, and both ex-spouses consider themselves deceived. It doesn’t matter what – expectations, hopes, sincerity. The two dreamed of more, but in the end what happened was what happened.
More susceptible people feel that there will be no more life, they will remain alone and guilty before everyone for not being able to save their family. Drowning in self-pity, they often don’t even ask the question: how to start a new life after a divorce? But sometimes you need to force yourself to try to breathe new life, and without someone who seemed to be a part of you.
By collecting advice from leading family psychologists in this article, we will try to help you turn this page.
Hidden consequences of divorce
- The chosen one decided to get a divorce, although you would like to save the family. Moreover, the news about this came as a complete surprise. A situation like this takes a toll on self-esteem.
- Your family was your life. You don’t have friends, your own home, hobbies, or work. In this case, there is no one to expect help from.
- This is not the first time that a partner has separated. The woman begins to think that something is wrong with her and she is not destined to be happy.
- The marriage happened quite early, so the husband took upon himself the solution to all problems. In this case, the abandoned wife feels like a helpless child.
- The couple divorced, but are forced to spend a lot of time together. In such a situation, it is difficult for a representative of the fair sex to separate from her ex-husband and lose her personal life.
In all of the above cases, a woman needs to understand that she is at risk of psychological trauma and will need outside help.
Dream and set your goals.
When you live with purpose, you have no choice but to make your vision a reality. This conscious choice of your goal will make you happier because you will know what you are living for. Extraordinary things begin to happen when you decide to do whatever it takes to complete a task. It is thanks to my determination that I was able to survive many difficult situations and continue to move forward.
Let's extract 3 positive points
Divorce is always a difficult and sad event . It brings suffering, pain, emotional decline. Undoubtedly, this causes serious harm to health, career and other areas of life. But besides the negative aspects of divorce, there are also positive aspects.
Freedom-No. 1
Family life introduces certain restrictions for both spouses. For every person, the concept of freedom is relative: some do not need it, and others cannot live without it. If you are not afraid of loneliness, then freedom will be an advantage.
Financial component-No. 2
In a divorce, a woman loses financial support for her husband if he earned more. If she still has a child, then life becomes almost unbearable. But there is a huge plus here - a new goal appears. Most girls reach career heights just after a divorce and find new ways to make money.
Creative component-No. 3
Parting with a loved one is always traumatic and demotivating. However, many women, in order to distract themselves from the breakup, make progress in sports, art, and science. The resulting stress gives you a chance to start your life from scratch, radically changing it.
How to start a new life after divorce if you have a child
Sometimes it happens that a divorced couple ends up with a child or children. In the normal understanding of things, ex-spouses should maintain a relationship for the sake of the children in any case. But sometimes one person still turns away from them and does not provide even the slightest support.
According to statistics, in most cases the child remains with the mother.
But modern judicial practice increasingly notes the desire of fathers to keep their children. According to the law, parents have equal rights to their children, regardless of any gender differences.
In any case, a child is always the goal to live on. On the shoulders of the parent, if he
left completely without support, a huge burden of independent responsibility falls on him for the future of his son or daughter. Under no circumstances should one lose heart or become depressed; the child should see the confidence of his mother or father that everything will be fine, problems will go away, and life will get better.
This will only happen if the parent gives him all of himself. To do this, the mother or father, first of all, should recover from the psychological trauma caused by the divorce and move on with their lives.
Divorce during pregnancy on the initiative of the wife is possible. Is it possible to file for divorce unilaterally, without the consent of the second spouse? Find out about it here. For a divorce, you need to prepare a certain package of documents. Read more about this in our article.
Psychological stages of divorce
What emotions does a woman going through a divorce feel? Psychologists say that they are similar to those that people experience from the death of loved ones. But even the most severe pain can be survived.
First stage: protection
At this stage, the abandoned spouse refuses to accept what is happening . Thus, the brain exhibits shock. From the outside it may even seem that she is indifferent to what is happening. Reluctance to accept a divorce can be compared to taking a painkiller. At this stage, a person is preparing to accept separation from his significant other.
Stage two: resentment and anger
This stage is characterized by the suffering that a woman inflicts on herself, remembering all the moments that caused the divorce . A woman asks herself: “How to start living after a divorce?” Reflections on this topic can provoke outbursts of aggression and resentment towards the traitor and the one who is indirectly to blame for the separation.
Stage three: guilt
Painfully going through a divorce, a woman may decide that what happened is only her fault. It is interesting to note that even those women who divorced their husbands after his infidelity experience this stage.
Stage four: depression
This stage is not much easier than the previous ones. At this stage, divorce from a loved one is especially painful. Sometimes it is felt on a physical level. But here depression is a natural state. Depression is expressed differently in each young lady, most often in:
- constant tears;
- external composure during internal experiences.
Fifth stage: acceptance
At this stage, the divorced woman feels relieved .
She understands that divorce is not the end of life. She perceives family life as an important life lesson, thanks to which she can avoid mistakes in the future.
How to get your feelings in order
After a divorce, women feel disappointed and hate men.
You need to quickly get rid of these feelings and put your thoughts in order, otherwise it will be very difficult to improve your life in the future.
If a woman cannot relieve psychological stress on her own, it is recommended to consult a professional psychologist.
To cope with trouble and calm the nervous system, you need to rest more often, give smiles, visit entertainment venues, communicate with colleagues and friends.
Aerobics, fitness, and swimming in the pool are good for relieving nervous tension. Don't forget that new opportunities are opening up for you.
Photo: working out in the gym will help relieve nervous tension
There is no need to adhere to the stereotypical opinion that with divorce comes the end of a good life, and to think of men as natural-born egoists.
Look at the problem from the other side. After all, after a divorce, you can start a new life, with a clean slate and there should be no room for worries!
How to improve a woman's intimate life
First of all, you need to get rid of complexes. Many people cannot imagine an intimate life with a new man, since for a long time she had only one partner. It is important to increase your self-esteem. You shouldn’t turn away from men and avoid new acquaintances.
Trying to improve their intimate life, women rush from one extreme to another. Some withdraw into themselves, others, on the contrary, become dirty in promiscuous sexual relations.
Nothing good will come of either scenario or the second. A woman must teach herself to respect herself and only after that try to find a new man.
Photo: forward! To new relationships!
Work on mistakes
If we have ended a relationship, it is important to understand our mistakes. Ask yourself questions: “What was I wrong about?”, “Based on what scenario did I choose such a partner?”
After all, we often see the problem only in the man, and we do not notice our internal blocks, attitudes, and parental systems. And we take out the accumulated negativity on our husband or children.
It is important not to step on the same rake, not to make the same mistakes. We need to analyze what went wrong in the relationship?
And you can start with the free course “Man: Honest Instructions.” After all, without knowing the principles on which relationships are built, the fundamentals of psychology, it is very difficult to independently identify the true reasons for the destruction of a marriage.
For example, a woman had an excellent relationship with her dad: he was her friend, adviser, and closest person. This may be related to his past.
He had a woman before his mother, with whom the relationship remained unfinished. And he transferred these feelings to his daughter, she took them into her relationship with a man - and therefore her marriage ended in divorce.
A man as a partner can build harmonious relationships only with a mature person.
- A woman should have knowledge of her purpose.
- What are its strengths and weaknesses.
- What does she want from life?
She must respect and value herself - then these feelings will be projected onto other people.
When a woman says “I gave him everything I could. I sacrificed the best years of my life” – where is the respect here? This is a typical sacrificial position. A sacrifice no one asked for.
In relationships there is always a reason why we don't hear each other. We grew up in different systems, with different attitudes.
His mother was a great cook, but you hate standing at the stove. Your dad always found time to be with his beloved daughter, but a man prefers to pay off with gifts.
Each partner subconsciously wants to see that part of the past that he is missing. You have a different love language.
For relationships, it is very important to lovingly do what the other person likes, without devaluing yourself. We weren't taught this. We saw the sacrifice of our mothers and grandmothers, who devoted their lives to their husbands and children, and lost their feminine energy.
And we live with the same attitude. And the man says: “I want to see the woman I married. Whose eyes sparkled, who inspired and attracted me. I don’t need a submissive victim.”
When a woman gets married, she often changes. She begins to demand, expects that the man will belong only to her, that he will change for her sake.
A man belongs to the world. And when he feels free, he belongs to you. Stop being afraid of losing him, don't control him, don't impose yourself - and he won't get away from you.
Become free, fulfilled, cheerful, light. If you have value, dignity, self-sufficiency, self-confidence, you will never allow a man to humiliate you.
You will not enter into a toxic relationship, you will not attract a tyrant or a doormat. You need to learn this - then there will be much fewer divorces.
Why is it harder for men to cope with divorce?
Life after a divorce from your wife often gets worse. Psychologists and family counselors give a number of reasons why this happens:
- The negative impact of divorce on men's health. This may be due to replacing good habits with bad ones, such as excessive use of tobacco or alcohol. Wives usually encourage their husbands to lead a healthy lifestyle. Without this positive influence, divorced men can quickly fall back into old, unhealthy habits.
- When faced with difficulties, men are more emotionally dependent on their life partners than women, as they have fewer alternative sources of support. When asked “who would be the first person husbands would turn to for support when feeling depressed,” 71% chose their wife, while only 39% of women chose their husband.
- Women cope with emotions after divorce much better. They find it easier to share their problems with other people and friends. Although they are usually in a worse financial situation than their husbands, marriage dissolution is often a springboard for their professional advancement.
- It is not surprising that the initiators of divorce are most often women. Research conducted in 2009 shows that almost 70 percent of divorce cases were initiated by women.
- Research conducted by Professor Stephen Jenkins (Chairman of the Council of the International Association for the Study of Income and Wealth) shows that men become richer after divorce. But Men's Health magazine notes that divorced men are more susceptible to heart disease, high blood pressure or strokes than married men.
- Divorced men are 39 percent more likely to commit suicide after divorce and are more likely to experience alcoholism, weight gain and mental health problems. The reason for this is the male ego.
- Men often feed their ego that the family rested only on him, so his sense of self-worth was associated with marriage. Divorce and an empty apartment ruins all this. The man begins to experience a loss of self-esteem. His ego rebels against the situation. It is his ego that causes him anger, depression, anxiety or despair.
- Most often, the court grants custody of the children to the wife, who, out of revenge, limits the father’s ability to see them, believing that if he is no longer a husband, then he is no longer a parent. It’s hard for a man to put up with a question like this. Not being able to spend time with their children takes an added blow. This causes mental suffering or can trigger an identity crisis.
- Divorce by mutual consent is always cheaper. But if it is not possible to reach an amicable agreement in a divorce, then in most cases the man must take care of the expenses: pay alimony, provide financial support.
- When starting a new family, the financial burden for a man doubles. As a result, the standard of living to which husbands are accustomed decreases. This financial burden makes them more anxious and certainly weakens their well-being.
- Representatives of the stronger sex do not seek help from others. It seems to them that if others recognize their feelings, then they will look pitiful and weak in their eyes. This inflating of emotions, as well as the demonization of men in a failed marriage, causes them to experience a storm of negative emotions.
