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Divorces happen - that's a fact. It doesn’t matter what or who was the reason. There are hundreds of manuals, recommendations and advice for women on how to survive a difficult period of breaking up a relationship. Guys have it more difficult. Surely, you also asked yourself the question, what to do after a divorce? In the first days/weeks, panic, doubt, and fear arise. You need to try to cope with these emotions, curb them. After all, actions committed in a state of passion will have a lot of negative consequences.
It is always better to act after a short pause. Let the dust settle, your feelings calm down, and your mind take over. You may be going through the five stages of grief. Usually, they are encountered by people who have experienced the death of a loved one.
So, your relationship also died, so you can consistently experience the following: • denial (no, this can’t be true, where will she go); • anger (who is she, and she was a bad cook and not very good in bed); • bargaining (maybe she will return if I start earning more); • depression (I have achieved nothing in life); • Adoption.
The cycle of sexual intercourse
According to this plan, new sexual relationships should appear in our lives. You and I are adults, and we understand perfectly well that a relationship with a man one way or another involves sex. I'll tell you a little about each phase.
Sexual interest
This is a state when you want to communicate more with a man, you like him, you want to talk to him, ask him about something. And tell it yourself. Moreover, at first you are not sure that you are interested in him, but you are becoming more and more convinced of this. This interest sometimes takes time to develop.
For example, let’s say you met a man. He shows obvious interest. And you have the same feeling. However, during the conversation it turns out that he is “a very interesting man.” You begin to be attracted to his manners, smell, behavior. You don't want him yet, but he clearly hasn't passed your life by.
Or - a shortened version. You are sitting at a table, a man enters the room. You just glanced at him and immediately realized that you were interested in him!
Sexual desire
Stage of fantasy, play, ritual courtship. Meetings, hugs, conversations, stories. Hold your hand, pat your shoulder, “lightly touch your sleeves.”
Excitation
The stage at the onset of which physiological reactions are obvious. Breathing has already stopped, an erection has occurred, etc.
Plateau
At this stage, sexual intercourse occurs, arousal is contained.
Orgasm
Peak energy tension! His release! At the same time – psychological release. A very powerful release of energy.
Permission
The stage when the body returns to its previous state. It can last from several minutes to several hours.
Refractory period
This period is more noticeable in men, when after orgasm the male body is restored and cannot yet move on to a new phase.
Mental processing
Assimilation of experience, living a feeling. That is, at this stage a person realizes what happened to him, how it happened and what next.
Disruption of the reaction cycle
Many problems arise precisely because of the disruption of this cycle. We will now consider only those situations that concern a woman who has experienced a breakup.
When a woman goes through a breakup, she is hurt. The soul hurts, self-esteem suffers. Everything is wrong and everything is wrong. Especially if you still love your husband. Read more about this situation in the article How to survive a divorce if you love. You urgently need to make sure that life is not over.
Why does a woman need to “urgently find someone”? Or if you have already found it, then “A normal relationship is urgently needed”? Then, to make up for your damage. What exactly worries you the most? That she is alone (loss of status)? What without sex? What without help (loss of control over the situation)? A woman wants to quickly replace one man with another, quickly regain her previous feeling of stability and confidence.
Unbeknownst to herself, the woman endows the new man with the qualities of her ex-husband (or qualities opposite to the qualities of her husband). It turns out that it skips the dating stage. “So everything is clear.” And then it turns out that it’s completely incomprehensible! The woman is surprised: “How can this be! I thought he was like that, but it turned out that he wasn’t...” Unfortunately, a new man rarely lives up to expectations. Because these expectations simply exist! That is, it does not approach the new from scratch, but namely: “You should be like this!”
Remember the sexual response cycle? So there you go! After a breakup, a woman very often skips the stage of sexual interest or sexual desire. She immediately plunges into a “relationship”, having not yet found a justification for it with her own soul and body.
No one can say how long the first and second stages should last. This is according to your feelings. But in your case it is better not to rush.
By the way, they say that all your desires must be specified. Like, “I want him to be tall, dark-haired, earn a lot and respect my children.” Yes, it is important. These things work. But when you meet, it is not written on a man’s forehead whether he respects your children. Therefore, it is better to start research and study of a person from scratch. And don’t expect that “my former husband’s mother was a tyrant, and that’s why he grew up henpecked. This one, too, has a mother who doesn’t have sugar, which means he will become like his former self.” No analogies. If only because THIS one may already be “pumped up”, after working with a psychologist, and without codependency with his mother.
Woman after divorce
Divorce is difficult for both men and women.
Often it is women who initiate divorce. They do not want to live with drunkard husbands, they are tired of enduring misunderstanding and tyranny, they married for convenience or were not ready for family life and its hardships. There are still many reasons to start a new life, even after 30 years of marriage, to rebuild it and live well. The question of whether there is life after divorce and whether it is possible to fall in love and get married at 30, 40 and 50 years old remains always relevant. The answer can only be one: “you can get married again and make your life better.” Family life, in any of its manifestations, is an invaluable experience that a person acquires. A woman after a divorce at 40, like a man after 30 years of marriage, changes her views on everything, they have different values and principles.
It is possible to improve your life at 30 and 40 years old if a person wants to move on and is not afraid of its difficulties and changes. In this case, divorce is perceived as another stage in life, which taught a lot and ended. After marriage, a person can become more self-possessed, and most importantly, more confident. Women who are able to live only by grieving and regretting what happened will not be happy themselves and will not benefit their children.
Women after 30–40 years and 50 years old experience separation more difficult; they often don’t want to get married anymore. There are reasons for this. Of course, after 30 years of marriage it is very difficult to change everything and start a new life. In any case, all women aged 30–50 who have experienced the consequences and agony of divorce have two ways to continue living healthy:
- stay single and never get married;
- get married again.
The first option is chosen by many women who, after 30 years of marriage, have waited for the long-awaited freedom and independence, and are not afraid of them. In this case, the woman was freed from family obligations, which occupied all her free time. The woman had no time to take care of herself and improve herself. Now there is time, taking care of herself and her appearance is becoming a priority in her life. A woman wants to be liked and win hearts again, it’s great to feel like the most beautiful.
Psychologists call this state euphoria after divorce. But it is not inherent to everyone and not at every age. There are specific behavior patterns and different ways to learn how to behave after a divorce.
Divorce in a woman after 40 and 50 years
A woman who has lived with her husband for almost 30 years may say during a divorce: “I’m very worried.” And this statement has a basis. “I’m worried” is putting it mildly; many are simply in despair. By the age of 30, 40 and 50, a lot has already been acquired, there are common children and common worries that are difficult to erase from life, change the usual rhythm and start a new one. But the divorce happened and we need to move on, although it’s scary to be alone.
You can find out whether there is happiness after a divorce by trying to survive everything and find your soul mate. To begin with, a woman after 40 and 50 years old needs to gather her thoughts and pay attention to the following points:
- There is no need to concentrate too much on the divorce; it would be great to communicate more with acquaintances and friends, and go to different cultural places.
- Do not communicate with your ex-spouse unnecessarily, only about children, if you have any.
- Get rid of the feeling of guilt for the breakup that occurred and think about how not to repeat the mistakes you made again.
- Stop thinking that at 40 and 50 years old no one needs a woman, that no one will love her anymore. Believe that 40 and 50 years are a wonderful age when you have a lot of experience and wisdom, you can get married again. Now you can build relationships in a completely different way, taking into account all the mistakes of the past. Don’t say anymore: “I’m worried about divorce,” say: “I’m the most wonderful and attractive at 40 or 50 years old!”
- There are many interests and entertainments for 40-50 year old ladies, find something that is healthy and interesting for you.
You can be happy at both 40 and 50 years old. At this time, the children are already old enough and can help in certain matters, so the woman has more time for her leisure time.
It would be great to get married again and forget what it means to “worry about a past life.”
New man after divorce: Advice from a psychologist
Here are some tips that will help you avoid disruption of the contact cycle and mistakes in building new relationships (The article Mistakes of a Woman in Relationships will help you understand old mistakes)
- Decide why you need a new relationship?
- What is he like - the man of your dreams? Describe, draw.
- Treat every new man like an alien. It's as if you've never known a man before.
- Remember that even though you are older, it doesn't mean you "know life." You also need to “get acquainted”, “get to know each other better.” A month, two, maybe more! No arguments like “we’re adults!” does not work. There is a reaction cycle! You can't jump there.
- There is no “abstinence period.” Like, you need to wait at least six months after breaking up. The main thing is to listen to yourself. If you are ready, then you can enter into a new relationship and not skip any stages. If you’re not ready, then deal with mistakes, self-esteem, and only then relationships.
What should a man do?
Sometimes relationships break down through no fault of the spouse. There can be many reasons, even the death of a wife. What happens to a man at 40 under such circumstances and how to deal with it?
Useful tips
- The main thing is not to despair right away and not to go to great lengths. You need to try to occupy yourself with interesting things, pay more attention to work. At 40, it's not too late to have a great career. Psychology describes many cases where a man achieved considerable heights after a divorce.
- Find your soulmate. If a divorced man with a child marries again, there is nothing wrong with that. It happens. Moreover, the child needs a mother who will take care of him.
- You can’t feel sorry for yourself, complain about life and spend all your free time with alcohol or in the slot machine hall. Remember that there are still many pleasant moments ahead.
What to fear in a new relationship?
- Beware of the trap of the series: “Let’s agree that we will only have sex and no obligations.” It doesn't work that way. You are skipping the phase of interest, as if you were immediately promising the phase of desire. It is not yet a fact that it will appear.
- Beware of your own expectations. They can be either overestimated or underestimated. Better not rush yourself. Watch, listen to your reactions and feelings. Learn I-messages and practice them at least with yourself.
- Beware of your own shame. You don't need him. You can be ashamed of your body, your desires, your words, anything. What matters is not what you are ashamed of, but the fact itself. If shame arises, you need to pay attention to self-esteem!
- Beware of hints from the series “I’m damn attractive, and so are you, so why waste your time?” That's how it should be! Otherwise it will be excruciatingly painful later. And shame! You, as a teenager, need to understand now - if the body is not ready, is not mature, then there is no need!!! As we were taught in a sexology course: “If her body is ready, then when his hand slides along her legs, all her thoughts turn off, she wants to continue, and not ask questions.” And if his hands slide along his leg, and you still think: “Is it necessary? No need?" - it’s not ripe. Better not.
So, my dears, homework!
Homework
- Find your fear
- Write what he is like - the man of your dreams
- Describe your ideal scenario for a new relationship. After the description, ask yourself questions - what is the most pleasant thing about this scenario? What needs does it meet? Is this exactly the scenario you need? Redo what didn't stand up to criticism. Now tear the script to shreds, because in life everything can be completely different.
Let me remind you that this article is part of the training “How to survive a breakup after cheating?” You can learn more about this training on the training description page. You can also sign up for it there.
17th month syndrome
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Psychology often describes such a thing as 17th month syndrome.
This period is the peak of male disappointment. The representative of the stronger sex understands that he can no longer be alone, he simply does not want to. He needs to have dinner on the table when he comes home from work, and to always have clean shirts. Sometimes a man after a divorce simply realizes that he is already 40 years old and it’s time to stop partying, he needs to devote time to his family. He misses his children and his wife, who was there during the most difficult moments of his life. When such thoughts come to mind, the man makes every effort to return back to the family. There is no longer any point in feeling sorry for yourself and life - it’s time to act.
However, the 17th month syndrome does not end well for everyone. If the spouse died, there is no one to return to; if she left for someone else, there is also no point in doing anything.
Psychology describes many stories where the stronger sex failed to successfully survive the 17th month syndrome. Some began to drink alcohol, others lost all their property at cards.
It is important for women to know that during this period everything inside a man immediately turns upside down. Life taught him a lesson, now he can improve. The 17th month syndrome allows you to rethink your values and start over with a clean slate.
Be specific about what your distrust is expressed in
What areas of distrust do you have in men? Try to put it into words. For example, you have had experience of betrayal, then be more specific: I am afraid that a man may say that he loves me and deceive me with another woman. Here is your specific zone of mistrust. Next, when you meet some real men, you will know that in this place you may be prone to mistrust.
Separate, as much as possible, your past experiences from the actions of a particular man.
Please write in the comments what is on your list, what are your areas of mistrust?
The girl's behavior and reaction depending on the situation
A girl doesn’t always think about how long it takes for her ex-boyfriend to want to come back. It all depends on whether she herself wants to continue the relationship or is glad that the man decided to leave her.
Wants to reconnect
If all these days after the breakup you were waiting for your loved one, dreaming of hugging and kissing again, then you are ready to take him back. In this case, your family will face a long stage of developing trust. At this step, you need to correct mistakes, understand the reasons for the separation and hear each other so that the situation does not happen again. Returning, the guy wants a new relationship, but with an already proven and dear person. You and he need to change, and in addition, change the nature of your relationship.
Offended
It is not so important when he crawls on his knees to ask for forgiveness if she is offended and, out of pride, does not want to resume the relationship. If this is your case, then expect more decisive action than just words. Let the guy look after you, give flowers, beg for forgiveness. Only if you see that he has realized his mistakes and is ready to correct himself, give him a chance.
Found someone else
If a new boyfriend has appeared in your life and has sincerely attracted your attention, then your ex needs to be told about it. There is no need to give false hopes, pit men against each other, see who is the best, without saying yes or no. Select one and decide who you need: an ex, so close and dear, or a new one, sweet and interesting. Tell the second one a clear “no” so that he does not have false hopes.
READ
How to support a friend who broke up with her boyfriend: methods and nuances
Do you want revenge
In this case, it is important to understand that revenge is not the best desire. It won’t make you feel any better, and you will feel guilty, especially if there is a third person involved who is the target. In this case, it is better to ask for advice from a more experienced person and deal with your desire for revenge. Roughly speaking, you need not to come up with insidious plans, but to solve the problem with your attitude.
Pros of divorce
Divorce is, of course, a very sad and difficult phenomenon. It brings pain, suffering, stress and emotional decline.
All this, of course, causes serious damage to health, career and other areas of our lives.
But, in addition to the negative aspects of this situation, there are still positive aspects, as in any other event.
Liberty
Living together for both partners introduces certain kinds of restrictions into their lives. The concept of freedom is relative for everyone: some people don’t really need it at all, but others still needed it. If there is no strong fear of loneliness, then freedom will be largely a plus during a divorce.
Material Component
As a rule, a woman loses her husband’s financial support in this regard if
my husband earned more. The opposite situation is also true for men. If a man/woman is left with a child, then life becomes extremely unbearable.
However, there is still a big plus here. Now you can only take care of yourself and the child, if you have one. This makes the suffering of divorce fade into the background, and a new serious goal appears.
Many people, just after a divorce, set up their careers, find new hobbies and ways to make a living.
creative element
Divorce always traumatizes people, disappoints them, and takes away their motivation for life. However, in many situations, a man or woman, in order to escape from a breakup, immerses themselves in creativity, finding peace and self-confidence.
After the loss of a loved one, people successfully find themselves in art, science, and sports.
Thus, a severe stressful situation in the form of a divorce only provides a chance to start a new life, to turn it 180 degrees..
Regain your confidence
Before you trust a man again, restore your trust in yourself. Perhaps you are now asking yourself: how could I choose such a man, how could I not see that he was deceiving me? It's all about self-distrust. How to train trust?
- Ask yourself: what do I want, what is right for me? Go somewhere tonight or stay at home? How to spend your weekend? Should you accept this business proposal or not? Ask yourself in different situations and try to hear the inner answer. Gradually you will realize that you can trust yourself. Most of the time, you know what is right for you and how good you feel.
- Analyze your past. You didn't choose your partner by chance. As Harville Hendrix said: “Marriage is an attempt to complete childhood: with its wounds, with its conflicts.” You chose your partner to end childhood conflicts. And for several more subconscious reasons. I have an article that may clarify some points about the connection between childhood and how we build relationships. You can read it at this link.
