Just a few decades ago, divorce was a rather rare phenomenon, out of the ordinary. Today, this will not surprise anyone: people get married, for one reason or another they separate and divorce, and then find a partner again. It is also important to note that, unlike in previous times, this no longer causes any condemnation from others.
Over the entire existence of divorce practice, certain statistics have emerged. According to it, the highest percentage of divorces occurs in the first 4-5 years of marriage. Psychologists say that in most cases, spouses separate due to their practical and emotional unpreparedness for family life. They literally fail to respect, support and appreciate each other. However, many do not even manage to organize their lives and distribute responsibilities. This is usually discovered already in the first years of marriage, hence these statistics.
However, in recent years, a rather unusual trend has begun to be noted: an increase in the number of divorces in adulthood. It would seem that after twenty or thirty years of living together, people, on the contrary, should have gotten used to each other, got used to it. And then - divorce. Why? Of course, everything has its reasons.
Why is divorce after 60 so common?
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What's driving this trend? Perhaps these couples were never truly happy. Or maybe they were no longer meeting each other's needs or were waiting for their children to leave home. Perhaps we simply have more time in our years, with fewer family and work commitments, to re-evaluate our lives and the people in them. Or maybe we feel like we have less time to do all the things that weren't accomplished in an unhappy marriage. Now I want to give some practical advice on how to survive divorce at 60. I hope this information, as well as the advice of an experienced psychologist, will help you on your journey to freedom.
How to survive a divorce at 50: advice from a psychologist
Men and women experience breakups differently. Of course, in many ways the ability to endure stress depends not so much on gender as on personality traits and emotional stability.
General advice for those going through a divorce:
- If possible, try to maintain a respectful attitude towards each other and forgive offenses. The one who accumulates them suffers first of all from the burden of accumulated grievances;
- There is no need to drag children together into family squabbles and turn them against their father or mother. Even when divorced, parents should remain support and support for their child, and not opposing sides;
- Write down all the positive aspects of single life on a separate sheet of paper and re-read the list every time you feel discouraged.
How can a woman start a new life?
Women tend to experience shocks very emotionally, and it is also important to feel desired and in demand.
To recover from stress, a woman needs:
- give free rein to your emotions . If you need to speak out or cry, don’t restrain yourself, but don’t go too far. You shouldn’t tell everyone you meet about your unsuccessful marriage, appealing for pity;
- love yourself . Change your wardrobe, lose weight, visit a SPA salon - everything for your loved one. After all, now there is time for this;
- learn to flirt and accept the attention of men . You don’t need to plunge into a new relationship, but you shouldn’t shut yourself off from the opposite sex either. There is nothing wrong with having a fan, because all ages are submissive to love.
Keep calm
Divorce brings up unwanted and sometimes irrational emotions. We suffer from fear - fear of the unknown, fear of loneliness, fear of losing friends or status in society. We experience feelings of shock, sadness and loss. All these emotions are understandable, but if left unchecked, they prevent us from moving forward. If you are going through a painful divorce after a long marriage, keep in mind that your identity and self-worth are not defined by one man or one relationship. Most women come out of divorce stronger than ever.
Have your worst fears come true?
Write down 3 tips that your divorce after 60 years gives you the opportunity to live better. Most of all, remind yourself that you are worthy of love and support. You have the opportunity to create a wonderful life for yourself, whether you are married or not.
Don't waste time on regrets. Women who experience divorce after age 60 typically experience feelings of grief, guilt, or even shame. Although much of the cultural stigma associated with divorce has diminished, natural sadness and regret remain. It is important that these negative emotions do not drag you down.
Spend time with people you love and trust. Participate in activities that you enjoy. Stay active in the community and in your career (if you're still working) or volunteer. The best way to avoid negative emotions is to fill your life with positive experiences. So don't wall yourself off by harboring regrets and self-pity. An unhappy marriage in which communication was stressful or harmful may make you afraid to interact with people again.
Take care of your finances and other practical matters. Disagreements over money are the leading cause of divorce. Whatever you do, don't put your head in the sand when it comes to talking about money. When I went through my divorce after 60 years, I remember the last thing I wanted to talk about was how to divide our assets. I remember thinking, “I don’t want anything from him!” Luckily, a good friend encouraged me to get professional support. Don't sell yourself. Even if your husband was primarily responsible for making and managing the money, you still have rights.
So, talk to a lawyer and take care of yourself. Think about the years you worked together to help your husband become financially successful, and feel confident in asking for your share.
Involving professionals does not mean that you will face a “messy divorce” or that it will drag on. In many cases the opposite is true. By having professional representation on both sides, you can separate the emotional issues that led to your breakup from practical considerations for your future.
Psychology of marriage failure
It seemed like just yesterday that the Mendelssohn March was playing, you, lovers, accepted congratulations and kissed to the incessant cries of “Bitter!” And after some time, you look back and don’t understand how it happened that you became strangers to each other.
USEFUL INFORMATION: How to choose a court to file a claim
And as the classic noted: “every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” The reasons for divorce are so varied that it makes no sense to list them.
However, the most common are still:
psychological incompatibility of spouses. On the wave of passion and emotions, we often draw for ourselves the image of an ideal partner and put this image on our future spouse like a kind of cloak, without thinking at all about whether it suits him? Is he comfortable in it? Doesn't this cloak hide the man himself? And having “painted” a beautiful picture for ourselves, we are surprised, after a year, or even five years, to discover that the person with whom we live does not at all resemble the created and idealized image.
Appreciate each other and get to know each other again, and love this “old” person who is new to you. And believe me, every couple goes through this stage. And it is not fatal for everyone. This is the exception rather than the norm.
However, if the passion has passed, and deep love, tenderness, friendship, mutual respect has not come in its place, and only the question remains: “What am I actually doing next to this person,” such a couple will inevitably face a divorce.
- spouse's addiction (alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction, etc.). A very difficult situation. Divorcing an alcoholic or drug addict requires determination, wisdom and strength from a woman. Very often, the spouses of dependent husbands are no less sick than their halves. And the name of their illness is codependency. Dealing with it alone is sometimes an impossible task.
- domestic violence. Does it mean he loves? A huge stupidity that women repeat like some kind of mantra, trying to find an excuse. No. Not to the one who hits. For yourself. The one who endures and forgives. Cries, treats bruises, lies at work. And once again forgives. Once again. And yet... And finally finds the strength to break the heaviest chains and literally “break free.”
- treason. Pain, betrayal, collapse of faith in everything around... And the understanding that one cannot forgive... Or, even worse, they don’t ask for forgiveness... Perhaps the hardest option. Heavy with its suddenness, the deafening truth about yesterday’s close and dear person...
- inability to have children. Or the reluctance of one of the partners to have a child. A fairly common reason for divorce. Outwardly prosperous families fall apart.
The list, of course, is far from complete. Yes, we don’t set ourselves the task of classifying and sorting into shelves... What to do, how to help ourselves? For you - recommendations from a practicing psychologist.
Talk to your children
Divorce can be difficult for children, even as adults. Ironically, your children may experience the same emotions you do—sadness, shock, and regret. They may also wonder how your separation will affect the family. For example, they may wonder what will happen to family traditions. They may ask: “Where are we going for Christmas?”, “How should we tell our grandchildren?” Or ask a number of other questions.
Encourage them to share their feelings and give them space to move on. Remind them that they will continue to have a relationship with both you and your ex-spouse. Tell them you don't need or want them to "pick sides." They can make their own decisions. No matter how old they are, children really just want their mother to be happy and will generally be supportive as you move towards a new and happy life.
Channel your children's energy into helping you begin the next amazing chapter of your life. Tell them about your dreams and aspirations. Share your fears, but try not to blame your ex-husband publicly. Over time, your family will become stronger than ever as you pursue your passions.
Find time for yourself
Don't punish yourself. It's not your fault that everything turned out this way. Give yourself permission to do what you enjoy. Go for long walks. Join a yoga class. Spend time with people you love. Remind yourself of the many things in life that you still enjoy. Think about how love comes in many forms. You probably won't want to enter the dating world for a while after getting divorced after 60, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the company of others, including men. Above all else, remind yourself every day that you deserve to be happy. You are a good person worthy of the affection of others, regardless of the reasons for your separation.
The process of separation
Often, for a young girl, leaving her husband’s family is a real tragedy. And when a husband leaves the family after 60, at first it may seem that life is over.
Women who are in this situation go through a number of stages. Here are the main ones:
· Denial. At first, the woman ends up believing that her beloved husband left the family. This soon develops into the next stage;
· Depression. With her, interest in many things that previously interested a woman may disappear;
· New life after breaking up with a loved one. During this, a new period begins. In which many things are rethought and re-evaluated.
After completing all stages, the woman begins to gradually recover psychologically. And a breakup can serve as an impetus for something truly new.
Don't be afraid to ask for help
How to Get Over Divorce at 60 - It's going to be hard, but you don't have to do it alone. Maintaining social connections and making new friends is especially important for women, don't allow yourself to become isolated and don't make the mistake of thinking you're alone and no one cares. Reach out to your circle of friends. Ask for help and you will get it.
If you approach the situation with optimism, energy and openness, divorce after 60 can be the start of a new, happy life. All my friends who went through divorce ended up looking slimmer, younger, happier and more independent. Listen to the advice of a psychologist and the recommendations of women from the forum about divorce after 60 years:
- Give yourself time and try not to turn to alcohol.
- Take as much time as you need to grieve.
- Open a new chapter in your life. Stop reading old ones.
- Don't forget to make friends. They are your support, your understanding and your company.
- During my divorce, I finally realized my potential.
- Celebrate wildly! Realize that you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, where you want and with whomever you want.
- Being alone is better than being with anyone.
It's never too late to start over! Give yourself time to adapt and enjoy your new independence.
