Anna Shalashova
I am writing this material on the birthday of my daughter, who turned nine years old. She and I live in Barcelona, and her Spanish dad lives in the USA, in Seattle. Today we called each other and congratulated each other on the holiday, remembered how happy we were when we were waiting for Lucia to appear, how in love we were with her and with each other when she was born, when she got her first tooth, when she ran along the Marbella embankment, when she first said: "I'm from Madrid!" We are dear to each other and support each other's decisions. We worry when one of us has a difficult moment. But four years ago our communication was filled with bitterness, rage, lust, disappointment and poisonous fire.
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The divorce was his initiative. However, he had difficulty justifying this decision to himself and expected Italian scandals from my temperament. I loved my husband, but I clearly understood that if the child is healthy, I am healthy, and we have our own means - and not even for subsistence, but for a decent life - then I simply do not have the right to kill myself. Therefore, I held on with all my might and did not sort things out, did not blame and did not hide in any way, did not stop the process and did not limit communication with the child. All formalities are carried out through a family lawyer, all intentions are as peaceful as possible. Within six months, the text of our divorce agreement was ready and submitted for consideration.
It was more difficult when two years later he came again to ask for my hand and did it in front of the child, and I refused. After that episode, the balance was shaken for many months. It is very difficult to cope with the emotions of a child who wants mom and dad to be together.
All troubles are behind us. Now my ex-husband is grateful to me for our peaceful relationship. And I tell him because he is a great dad and explains physics and mathematics better than anyone else.
It's rarely easy. Both the initiator and the one who ends the marriage against his will will have to cross a long burning bridge. Running is dangerous, losing composure is unacceptable.
There are things that do not depend on you, and even with the most correct behavior will be beyond your sphere of control. In my experience, here are the main points that will help you survive this event with minimal losses for both parties.
Quick marriage after divorce
Many women think that a new romance will save them from loneliness, they will feel better in a new relationship, this is the so-called ambulance after a divorce from their husband.
Depression will go away. Time will be busy. There will be no need to stay alone in the apartment for a long time. Women hope that with a new man it will be easier to go through the process of divorcing their husband. But this approach is wrong. You shouldn’t make a new mistake when you haven’t yet been able to overcome and let go of the old one. A new relationship will not come to the rescue and will not help you easily forget your ex-husband. Women strive to quickly enter into a new relationship when their spouse has abandoned them, gone to his mistress, or committed betrayal. They want to annoy their ex-husband more than to start building a family and go through a divorce. To start your life anew, you don't have to immediately attract a partner. We must wait until the depression goes away and the state of mind stabilizes.
If you plunge headlong into a new romance, you will constantly compare your partner with your ex-husband. There is no need to do this. And comparisons may not be in favor of a new relationship.
The main fears of women after a breakup
A woman's life changes dramatically after a breakup. Of course, it may have its advantages, but these are always internal barriers that prevent you from moving on.
Especially when a man leaves, various negative aspects come to the fore, making life unbearable:
A girl, if she broke up with her boyfriend, is overwhelmed with a feeling of suffering and hopelessness.
Every day begins and ends with memories of a previous relationship that causes great pain.Usually behind these thoughts there is melancholy, disappointment and helplessness, because there is no visible chance to improve the situation. In such a situation, it seems that this state will last forever, and nothing can be done about it.
- There is an idealization of the partner and the relationship.
Sometimes a woman overly demonizes the union: grief caused by a breakup or the departure of a loved one can occur in two ways. The first is an extreme idealization of a person and relationships with him: the denial of all vices and unpleasant events that occurred in tandem. Therefore, an image of an idealized relationship that actually did not exist appears in the mind. The second is focusing solely on the negative aspects of the relationship: focusing on the shortcomings and bad experiences (often exaggerated at this stage) is a defensive reaction to loneliness and disappointment from the relationship. - Loss of self-esteem: Rejection always deals a strong blow to a person’s self-image.
A person feels inferior, blames himself for the breakup, and sees no chance for a good life and happy love. Then it is easy to fall into a vicious circle in which a woman independently undermines her self-esteem. By focusing on her shortcomings and identifying with her negative feelings (“I am hopeless because I feel hopeless”), the lady paints herself into a corner. - Escape from negative emotions (“I’ll just sit within four walls”): this is one of the most dangerous paths after a breakup. Suppressing emotions is never beneficial and makes suffering worse. The woman is on the path of self-destruction, which even the most painful separation should never lead to.
- Neglect of yourself, your life and your loved ones, because you are “still alone”: avoiding social contacts, neglecting your family, relatives and friends. A woman disappoints others with her irritation or resentment, does not take care of herself and does not play sports, gives up hobbies, and becomes detached. She closes herself off to a happy life.
Stage four. Bright sadness and building the future
This is the final stage of the experience, when you are almost ready to let go of your partner. At this time, it is useful to imagine that you are connected by invisible strings, which you break one by one, allowing your loved one to move further and further away. It is important to break the threads right down the middle so that each spouse can take their other half with them. Wave your hand at his retreating silhouette, smile goodbye, imagine that he is smiling back at you.
When negative emotions have subsided, people often begin to miss their ex-spouses. In this case, it is important to understand what exactly you are missing. Perhaps you are not longing for the departed person, but for some pleasant things that are associated with him. For example, on joint trips, trips to cafes, or just quiet family evenings. Think about how you can get it all yourself. This will help lay down new tracks for your life. You can again imagine the retreating silhouette of your ex-husband or wife and imagine that all the threads coming from you that once led to your ex-spouse have connected with your “improved” image - the way you imagine him in the future, confident, happy, peaceful . By doing this, you seem to be giving yourself the support that you once received from your partner.
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It’s good if during this period you find the strength to forgive your ex-spouse and make some concessions to him. But not in order to return him, but to let him go in peace. This gives great inner strength. When you do good deeds, you feel like a good person, and at the time of divorce this is very important. After all, someone who has been abandoned often begins to think that this happened because he is bad in some way: ugly, quarrelsome or lazy.
Moreover, nothing binds more strongly than unforgiven grievances. They interfere with the natural course of things: when the old dies and the new is born. Like inhale and exhale, forgive and let go—exhale. And thereby give yourself the opportunity to breathe new life, events, happiness.
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Why is depression the first “friend” of divorce?
Russian psychologists have calculated that more than 14 million ex-spouses suffer from depression.
This is a high figure. Symptoms can affect many people, but it is important to distinguish lingering sadness from depression.
There are several types of this psychological illness:
- Psychogenic depression is a disorder that occurs as a reaction to the loss of a loved one. This means separation. More often, this condition is inherent in men - depression, dissatisfaction with oneself and the environment, anxiety, inhibited reaction, a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness, and suicidal tendencies. Without the intervention of a specialist, such depression can become chronic.
- Endogenous depression is an internal form of disorder due to a deficiency of certain substances produced by the body. This condition requires drug treatment using psychotherapy methods. Strong feelings about divorce give impetus to the development of acute depression.
The main cause of depression after divorce is loss. Loss of a soulmate, a familiar way of life, confidence in the future.
The sufferer goes through several stages:
- denial (“I don’t believe this happened to us,” “it can still be returned,” etc.);
- anger (“how could he/she do this”, “I hate”);
- resentment (“it’s all his fault”);
- dialogue (“if only...”, “let’s try like this...”);
- awareness of what happened (“why did this happen?”);
- depression;
- acceptance of the situation (after divorce proceedings).
Experiencing depression in the ruins of family life is a common situation for women and men alike.
You need to give yourself time and opportunity to understand what happened. This stage is simply necessary.
But at the same time, there is no need to drag it out and aggravate it, otherwise the sadness will be covered in “swamp mud” and you will no longer be able to get out without the help of a psychologist.
Mistakes of ex-spouses
Draw a child into your relationship by telling him that his dad abandoned him, or that his mother does not feel sorry for him. It is important to convey to the child that, despite disagreements, both parents continue to love him.
Compare your life with the life of your ex-partner. Each person needs a certain time to go through all stages of experiences. Perhaps your ex was able to do it faster. Or maybe he just hasn’t yet entered the stage of resentment or despair that you are in. Stop giving your attention to his life (this only takes energy) and direct your energy to building your future destiny.
Flaunt your new relationship to make your ex-spouse jealous. This only prolongs the experience. Even if you are destined to be together again, you need to go through all the stages of separation by letting each other go. Otherwise, lingering grievances will hold you back at the stage of eternal divorce and interfere with the creation of new relationships.
