There is no more strength: how to divorce your alcoholic husband and get through the divorce painlessly

Alcoholism is a disease that not only has a destructive effect on the health of the patient, but also ruins the lives of his loved ones. In families where the husband is addicted to alcohol, scandals are not uncommon, and domestic violence flourishes. In a state of alcoholic intoxication, a person cannot control himself. He is prone to causeless aggression, so any quarrel is fraught with beatings, and in other cases – with severe injuries. The people who suffer the most from living together with an alcoholic are his wife and children. In addition to physical injuries, constant stress is added, which weakens their nervous system, leading to neuroses and even mental disorders.

The most logical solution in such a situation is divorce from an alcoholic. Unfortunately, this is not easy: according to Russian laws, persons who suffer from alcoholism but do not have other mental illnesses cannot be recognized as legally incompetent. Therefore, unilateral divorce in this case is impossible. Divorce is carried out according to the general rules prescribed in the Family Code of the Russian Federation.

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Divorce or endure?

As in other cases, when a family is facing divorce, you need to think carefully about your choice, weighing the pros and cons. As a rule, a wife does not immediately decide to break off relations with her drinking husband, because he is not a stranger to her, he is a close person with whom he has already experienced a lot.

At first, the woman feels sorry for the alcoholic, takes care of him, and treats him as if he were sick. She endures aggression, mood swings, insults directed at her, and even assault. A significant role in this is played by the formula for a happy marriage - “in sorrow and in joy.” It is difficult for a woman to leave her beloved husband, who, in her opinion, is simply ill, and if he is cured, he will become the same again.

But alcoholism, like any disease, progresses without treatment, which is accompanied by a gradual degradation of the patient’s personality. An alcoholic's character changes, he becomes unbalanced, proud, and capricious. An outburst of aggression can be triggered by anything: spilled milk, a child's cry, a lost TV remote control. It is not only the wife who bears the brunt: the child can also fall under the hot hand of an alcoholic father.

If attempts to persuade your husband to recover from addiction lead nowhere, and while intoxicated he becomes dangerous to others, then it is better to dissolve the marriage. Your own life and the well-being of your children in such a situation are more important than the health of your husband, which he destroys of his own free will.

Who is the real victim

At first, the call from the hospital made Janice angry. However, the reasons for this anger were unclear to her. An inner voice told her that she was being taken advantage of, but Bill did not seem to have caused her any obvious harm. Therefore, she could not allow herself to feel anger and soon replaced it with the usual feeling of guilt. As a result, Bill became a victim in her eyes, not a manipulator. When everything returns to normal, the feeling of guilt will disappear - but it will again be replaced by despondency and hopelessness. It's a never-ending vicious circle that she's been through so many times before.

Bill plays the role of the victim with amazing skill. He knows how to awaken sympathy in others and make them feel like scoundrels who abandoned a person in trouble. And Janice has exactly the personality traits that make her buy into it. She doesn't want to cause anyone pain or suffering. She is one of those overprotective people who is much more concerned about the well-being of others than her own. When she feels like she is being selfish, she becomes overwhelmed with shame and guilt. Therefore, when Bill combines the role of the victim with pressure on feelings of guilt and an appeal to conscience, Janice is already quite ready to take the blame on herself.

When is it possible to correct the situation and save the family?

It is possible to save a marriage if the husband drinks. The main condition for this is that he himself wants to recover from alcoholism and meets his wife halfway. He must realize that he is sick, but this is not enough: both spouses need a considerable supply of determination, patience and willpower, since treatment is a long journey, and it is often difficult to go through it.

In addition, it is worth finding out what led a loved one to become dependent on alcohol. Sometimes it all starts with frequent disagreements, when the atmosphere in the family gradually becomes unbearable, there is no understanding between the spouses, and as a result, one of them feels unnecessary, and alcohol helps him calm down. Another factor that undermines a marriage is the birth of a child, when the husband fades into the background. The wife pays all her attention to the baby, and takes out her fatigue and irritation on her “other half.”

If the cause of alcoholism is problems in the family, it is worth trying to fix it. It often helps to go together to a psychologist, who will find out what exactly is destroying the marriage and suggest ways out of a difficult situation. A frank heart-to-heart conversation will also help, if the husband doesn’t mind.

When the reasons are clarified, all that remains is to get rid of the addiction. The choice of treatment methods in modern medicine is very wide - from sewing a “torpedo” under the skin, to hypnosis and hardware brain stimulation (TES).

How to cope with stress

To make it a little easier, get into your head three very important postulates that should accompany you from the beginning of the journey to the end:

• It is unacceptable to change the decision
• Can't be trusted
• You can't be sorry

Regarding the third, it has already been mentioned above. As for the second, alcoholic husbands are very good manipulators and liars who skillfully make you believe in the legend of giving up alcohol. Here is our first postulate - the decision must under no circumstances be changed. Of course, initially you can warn several times about the likelihood of divorce, but if you have already decided, the only way forward is forward, otherwise it will never end and you will turn into a person who is only capable of threats and not real actions.

USEFUL INFORMATION: My husband said he doesn't love me anymore

Going through a divorce from an alcoholic is no easier, but also no more difficult than a divorce for any other reason. You just need to set a goal for yourself - to get rid of a miserable life that leads to degradation and personal destruction.

1. At first, it is recommended to change your occupation, but if this is not possible, then go into work as much as possible, or better yet, find yourself some additional hobby. There must be something that will replace your usual evenings, occupy your brain and heart. You shouldn’t spend hours at home alone watching movies or listening to music; it’s better to choose walks in the fresh air, a swimming pool, going to the theater and live communication.
2. Confess to one or more people close to you. Don’t be afraid to appear weak; believe me, your decision to leave is an indicator of the enormous strength that is inside you. Speaking up will make you feel better. The only thing: you shouldn’t turn this into a panacea and share with everyone you meet how bad you feel, this can become a habit, and one of the main aspects of dealing with stress is your own mood and emotional stability. If at first you have to convince yourself that everything is fine, this is absolutely normal.
3. Many people who decide to divorce try to fill the resulting void as quickly as possible. This is fundamentally wrong and such a mistake should be avoided if possible. Your wounds have not yet healed, you should not start a new relationship.

• Firstly, nothing will come of it because your mind will be busy thinking about your ex-spouse.
• Secondly, it will interfere with emotional recovery.

Your task is not to smile 24 hours a day, but to gain self-confidence, feel the ground under your feet and bring stability into your life. Don’t worry, nature abhors a vacuum and another person will take your husband’s place, but you should understand that there is a time for everything, and in this case it couldn’t be more accurate.

Contact a psychologist. In our country, visits for psychological help are not common and in vain. Competent, qualified help will help you avoid the risk of addiction to alcohol, antidepressants and other doping drugs. In addition, psychological therapy will help you become more confident in your decision and will certainly protect you from trying to return everything.

When to leave a drinking husband: domestic violence, the influence of a drunkard on children

One of the main reasons to divorce an alcoholic is assault. If a husband, while intoxicated, raised his hand against his wife or child, there is a chance that this will happen again, and more than once. A drunk person does not control himself; in anger he can seriously injure those around him. Sometimes family scandals lead to dire consequences, such as disability of a wife, beaten by her drunkard husband, or even murder.

Living with an alcoholic father is dangerous for children too. Among the negative consequences it leads to are the following:

• Low self-esteem;
• Claustrophobia;
• Social phobia, isolation;
• Problems in relationships with the opposite sex;
• Tendency to alcohol or drug addiction;
• Retarded physical or mental development;
• Unbalanced, prone to sadism, if domestic violence was the norm;
• Lack of self-care skills, household skills (inability to regularly wash, comb your hair, wash clothes, etc., if little attention was paid to children).

If a drinking husband refuses to make contact with his family, does not want to negotiate and, especially, to be treated for addiction, it is better to get a divorce - the marriage can hardly be saved.

How to force your spouse to stop drinking, or better get a divorce

Of course, in most cases, it is wives who have to deal with the problem of alcoholism, and it is they who have to not only endure the consequences of this addiction, but also fight it, using various methods, both traditional and not entirely traditional.

For example, the traditional and most common ways to force a man to stop drinking alcohol are:

– coding;

– drug treatment;

-psychological assistance from a specialist;

– change of environment and place of work.

And less common, but sometimes effective methods are:

– prayers;

- turning to healers;

– psychological pressure.

That is, each woman, depending on the stage of alcoholism, the personality of her husband, as well as her own financial and psychological capabilities, chooses a way to combat the specified addiction. And of course, as the disease progresses and its severity, the methods can either alternate or be used in combination.

It should be noted that the vast majority of men are quite vain, and it can be quite easy to play on their weaknesses and preferences in the struggle for a sober lifestyle. For example, few men will remain indifferent to a decrease in potency, or to an uncomfortable home where he is no longer welcome, or to a beautiful wife who prefers to please others, but not her own husband. Also, men are very sensitive to their own career success or salary.

That is, low pay or disrespect from loved ones, as well as a non-prestigious job, can motivate a man to finally quit drinking in order to rise in the eyes of the woman he loves, but the reasons mentioned above can also become the basis for prolonged alcoholism. That is why a beloved wife should first understand the causes of the problem, and then look for effective ways to deal with it, taking into account the character of her husband and his life priorities.

Maybe it's better to get a divorce

However, not all men can overcome their own addiction to alcohol, even with the warm support of their wife and periodic coding. Indeed, in fact, not everyone has the ability to fight with themselves, but only those people who have a strong character, which is rare. Therefore, many wives have to choose between the desire to help their beloved husband and stop the daily psychological torture with the help of a final separation.

It should be noted that when solving an alcohol problem, it depends not only on the man, but also on his wife. After all, not all wives have the strength to endure everyday bullying and shame for their behavior, as well as possible beatings and neglect of their own children. Therefore, in a particularly acute situation and the realization that the problem of alcoholism cannot be solved, many prefer divorce, which in some cases is the only way out of the current situation.

However, such a solution to the problem has both a number of positive and negative sides, as well as consequences, which mostly depend on the personal relationships of the couple and their character traits.

In particular, the positive aspects include:

– awareness of the problem of alcoholism due to the loss of family and wife, who helped and supported her alcoholic husband;

– a quiet life for a woman who will no longer tolerate bullying and sidelong glances from acquaintances;

– an opportunity for a woman to build a new relationship with a new partner and taking into account the experience gained;

– the need for a man-alcoholic to pull himself together, who will be left alone and, accordingly, will be forced to stop his alcoholic binges with the banal goal of surviving.

But the negative aspects include:

– life difficulties for a woman, especially financially and if she has children, because raising children on her own can be difficult for one person, and especially a woman;

– low self-esteem in a woman, due to her husband’s bullying and, as a result, the inability to build new relationships;

– a possible risk that the ex-husband does not realize his problem and will die within a few years, which is possible if the man is weak in character and is accustomed to living only through the efforts of his wife.

Advice from psychologists

According to psychologists, alcoholism is a big problem on a global scale, but with some effort it can be solved by following simple rules.

First, you should first find out the cause of alcoholism, which can be:

• dissatisfaction with one’s own life, both professional and personal;
• stressful situations;
• wrong friends or environment
• ordinary love for alcohol - vodka, wine, beer. There is even such a thing as beer alcoholism.

Secondly, it should be remembered that under no circumstances should a wife:

• take upon yourself the solution to all the husband’s problems, both financial, personal and professional;
• pay his debts and apologize for his behavior to others, give money for beer, etc.;
• encourage drunkenness... you need to give examples of its harm to the family and to the relationship of a married couple in particular!

Thirdly, one should fight with all available means, from psychological pressure on pity and lack of love, to attracting a psychologist, not to mention drug treatment.

But, as psychologists note, alcoholism can only be overcome if the man still loves his wife and, accordingly, you can find a way to his heart. If there is no love, then there is no point in fighting, and it is useless to experience torment, because such behavior will not bring benefit to anyone, but will only aggravate the situation.

How to behave with children if the family has broken up?

For children, divorce is no less a tragedy than for their parents. They endure the breakup of a family and the destruction of their usual way of life very hard. You should support your children during this difficult time, treat them gently, and let them know that, despite what happened, they are still needed and loved. If the financial situation in the family has worsened, the mother can find an additional source of income (part-time work, remote work, freelancing).

When talking to children, you should never scold their father. You cannot drag them into squabbles between spouses, and thereby cause them additional pain. There is also no need to prohibit children from seeing their father if they themselves want to. If necessary, you can define conditions for your ex-husband that he will be required to comply with - for example, meeting with children while sober.

Children

If there are children in the family, then the situation becomes somewhat more complicated. It becomes more complicated in the perception of divorce. Here it is worth understanding one thing: children always adopt the habits of their parents, their brain sets the program of life depending on what they see every day. If you, like any adequate mother, do not want your children to suffer psychological trauma and undermine their psyche, then divorce is the only way out.

Many women are afraid of undermining their material stability and they should not be ashamed to admit this. Yes, it will be difficult, but it’s worth going through all this for yourself and for the sake of your children’s future. Yes, you will have to cut operating expenses to cope, but this should not be a reason to stay. You are not going to exchange your happiness and the future of your children for money, are you?

Just accept the fact that it will be difficult and that's it. By the way, it would be nice to think about turning a new hobby into a source of additional income. You can, for example, knit to order or take up tutoring, you can learn to bake cakes and then take orders for work; consider any type of activity that is at least a little interesting to you from a profit point of view.

Study some guides on the Internet, visit thematic blogs, now there are a lot of ways to make a hobby an additional job, don’t give up on this idea. No matter how difficult it is for you, do not turn your children against your ex-husband, this can cause serious consequences in the form of psychological trauma. Of course, if a person’s alcoholism has reached an extreme degree, then he should put forward a number of acceptable conditions for meetings with children, but the children themselves should not suffer from this. All issues should be discussed with your husband; you should not drag your common children into this. Also, do not forbid them to communicate, your problems with your husband are your problems with your husband, children should not become a wall that is constantly kicked.

Moreover, the ban on communication can give rise to negativity in them towards you at a later age. Remember, no matter what the father is, he is, first of all, a father. If children are at the age at which they are able to make decisions on their own, then do not interfere and do not impose on them your attitude towards their choice. They should feel love and support, especially during such a difficult period as a family breakup. If scandals with children begin to arise due to divorce (this happens especially often in adolescence), then you need to clearly explain your decision and reasons to the child once in a conversation, make it clear that it is also not easy for you, but you are not going to change your decision.

Rules to help you break up with an alcoholic

When the decision to divorce has been made, you should adhere to the rules that will help facilitate this difficult process:

1. Don't hesitate. Endless threats of divorce, followed by reconciliations with the husband, will lead to the fact that he will not take his wife seriously.
2. Find a temporary apartment for yourself and your children where you can move from your previous home.
3. Do not feel sorry for your husband and do not worry about his fate - he himself is to blame for the destruction of the marriage; do not give in to his persuasion and promises not to drink anymore.
4. Rely on friends and close relatives, surround yourself with people who can help you survive the divorce.
5. Think about the future of your family, permanent housing, and how to provide for yourself and your children.
6. Do not lose faith in yourself, firmly know that all difficulties can be overcome.

How to decide to divorce and stop suffering

A woman who has been married to one man for many years gets used to the lifestyle that he instills. And, even if she internally resists him and does not accept him, she is still in no hurry to get a divorce. It is difficult for her to take a step towards freedom, to begin to control her own destiny.

Articles on the topic

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• Some advice for a wife on how to behave after her husband’s betrayal 03/14/2021
• A strong family is the basis of a civilized society 02/08/2021
• Main characteristics of the institution of family and its role in society 02/08/2021

This is influenced by factors such as:

• financial dependence on her husband, lack of her own home, job;
• fear of depriving children of a male upbringing and worsening their financial situation;
• hope that everything will change someday - the husband will stop drinking, spending all his free time with friends, chasing every skirt;
• doubts that there will be an opportunity to get married again;
• pity if the woman herself found a replacement for her husband, feels guilty and cannot break off the relationship;
• anxiety about the expected statements of others and loved ones about the upcoming divorce.

It is necessary to make a decision on divorce in a timely manner. Postponing it “for later” can negatively affect the state of health and the occurrence of various disorders not only in adult family members, but also in children.

Legal aspects of divorce

If there are no children or jointly acquired property, the marriage is dissolved through the registry office. Common children who have not yet turned 18 years old, property claims, common real estate - a reason to go to court. When dividing real estate, the previous apartment is sold so that each of the former spouses can buy a separate home. In the case of loans that were repaid by husband and wife, the previous agreement with the bank is terminated and two new agreements are concluded - separately for each. The issue of alimony is also decided in court.

If, after a divorce, the ex-wife has nowhere to live, she can turn to a specialized psychological and legal center that helps women who have suffered from domestic violence.

Traveling with your spouse

To force your husband to move out of his apartment, they recommend the following:

• While the spouse is not at home, you need to take his personal belongings to a place where he can live during the divorce - for example, to his relatives;
• Next, it is necessary to change all the locks so that he cannot get into the apartment without his wife’s knowledge;
• Finally, the wife must leave home - to a place where her husband will not look for her.

If a wife lives in an apartment owned by her husband, she must:

• In his absence, collect your belongings, as well as the property of your children;
• Leave a note, SMS, message in instant messenger or social network, briefly stating your decision to leave;
• Move to a place that is unknown to her husband - to be sure that he will not find her.

After moving, the spouses can begin divorce proceedings.

YourNarcologist recommends: Psychological help after divorce for men and women

Recommendations from psychologists will help you safely overcome the painful divorce period. Here are some tips to help you cope with your worries:

1. The best thing to do is to come to terms with the divorce. It is worth looking at it as a difficult but necessary lesson, a transitional stage, after which you can start life from scratch.
2. New life - new opportunities that could not appear in the previous hateful marriage.
3. Loneliness is harmful. It is much better when you have the opportunity to rely on friends and loved ones, to spend as much time as possible with people who will not judge, but on the contrary, will support you.
4. New hobbies, a new job, a change in lifestyle, place of residence - all this will help take your mind off painful thoughts.

The rule that works most effectively is switching attention. You can occupy your mind with anything, as long as it helps drive out negative emotions. Social work such as volunteering helps a lot.

New life

Divorce from an alcoholic has taken place - the worst thing is over, it can’t get any worse. Whatever trials life has in store, they will be easier than what has already been experienced.

Often women are afraid to get a divorce because they do not know whether they will be able to financially support themselves and their children. In this case, it is worth thinking in advance about a new, more suitable job, or extra jobs that will allow you not to deny yourself anything. Another fear, no less frequent, is the fear of leaving a comfort zone, albeit not very pleasant, but familiar. The unknown is always scary, and in order to build a new cozy “shell” for yourself, you must show willpower and boldly embrace change.

In addition, you should always remember that this is done for your own good and for the sake of the children. As often as possible, you should remember everything that was bad in your previous life, and what the family got rid of thanks to the divorce. And, despite all the stereotypes about “divorced women” that dominate society, the chance to create a new family is very high. Just don’t get into a relationship immediately after a divorce - it’s better to take a pause so that the longing for your ex-husband and the natural distrust of the opposite sex in this situation go away.

Features of the divorce process

Many women wonder how to decide to divorce an alcoholic husband. On the one hand, love has not faded away, but on the other, it is impossible to continue an unbearable life together. At such moments, a lawyer who is contacted on such issues most often believes that it is better to file documents for divorce. The consequences may vary. This encourages the addict to reconsider his attitude towards alcohol. According to statistics, there are many cases when, after filing an application for divorce, a man became worried and stopped drinking.

Family life with an alcoholic threatens the psychological state of not only the woman, but also minor children. Despite this, the Family Code of the Russian Federation does not stipulate that a woman who decides to divorce can do so according to a simplified scheme. Drunkenness, unless accompanied by a mental disorder, is not grounds for depriving a person of legal capacity. The Family Code states that divorce due to a husband’s alcoholism can occur unilaterally only if the man is declared incompetent.

If there are no disputes or disagreements

Alcohol is a common cause of divorce. Divorce proceedings take place in the registry office where the couple got married. You can also file a claim with the government agency at the place of registration or place of residence of the family.

But such a procedure is possible in several cases:

• the couple has no minor children;
• both partners agree to get a divorce.

The procedure for ending a marriage consists of the following stages:

1. Preparing a joint statement of claim for divorce from an alcoholic husband. There must be two signatures on the paper, otherwise the registry office will consider that there is no mutual consent.
2. Attachment of additional documents. It doesn't matter whether your husband is an alcoholic or not, divorce proceedings still follow the standard procedure. Copies of the marriage certificate and passports of both spouses must be made with the application.
3. Payment of duty.
4. Spouses must submit documents together to the government agency.