15 tips on how to survive a divorce from your husband

How to survive a divorce from your husband if you love? This state cannot be called anything other than self-destruction. I imagine the soul consisting of millions of microparticles: emotions, impressions, neurons - whatever you want. When a beloved husband demands a divorce, something terrible happens to the soul. It was as if its particles were exploding one after another.

Each time they explode, they pierce the soul and body, like a fragmentation grenade. And each explosion causes a tsunami - a huge wave of love for the traitor. As soon as the wave subsides, there will be a new explosion. Day after day. It seems impossible to survive this. You keep waiting for your soul to burn to the ground. You think: “How long can I suffer?” But it turns out that you can suffer for a long time. You begin to hate your own soul and love. You understand that it would be better not to love. But there is no way to tell yourself to stop loving. You have to walk through this minefield, constantly experiencing piercing pain.

It seems that the husband is not touched by other people's suffering. Of course, because now you really are strangers. That's how he feels. His soul is closed. Sometimes, as in a game, he allows you to get closer to him. And then it’s as if he slaps your palm: “Where are you trying to get in, I’m not yours, we’re strangers, it’s a scam!” The husband thinks: “It’s okay, she’ll survive. Everyone is worried."

It happens that doubt creeps into his gaze. There’s a hint in the words: “Maybe it’s not necessary?” I immediately want to cling to this hint and shout: “Yes, yes! No need! I knew that you would come to your senses! You’re just confused, but now you’ve realized that this is some kind of nonsense! We will survive everything, we will cope. There is no need to get a divorce." Immediately all your personal boundaries collapse. You have just begun to get used to the idea that “Yes, it’s a divorce, you need to learn to live in a new way!” But doubt in his eyes destroys the weak shoots of independence at the root.

Your husband doesn’t want you to recover too quickly. What if he actually decides to change his mind? No, any brave pilot, a fighter of women’s hearts, needs a “reserve airfield”.

Independence, independence... What does this mean? You don't want to be independent. You can't be like that. You feel entangled in thin but strong threads of emotional connection with your husband. I want to voice every thought to him. Share every idea with him. It is unbearable not to know how he lives, what he thinks about. You are ready to do anything to make him smile or at least look in your direction. Dye your hair red? Easily. Breast enlargement? Yes please. Change political views? Right now. Codependency – yes, that’s it. It's scary to even think about independence.

Symptoms of depression after divorce

Few people manage to feel normal after the divorce. In such a situation, a depressed mood is considered a normal state. But, if a person experiences acute mental pain that does not go away for too long, it is necessary to take measures to prevent depression from developing into neurosis or another mental disorder.

Increasing depression can be identified by the following symptoms:

a feeling of irreparable loss. A person is sure that he has lost something that can never be replaced or found;
acute feeling of resentment;
the unfortunate person is overcome by anxiety, hopelessness and fear - “how to live further, what will happen to me now?”;
loss of interest in current events and surrounding people, apathy;
acute perception of criticism or advice from others;
low self-esteem;
depressed state, loss of the ability to enjoy ordinary things - delicious food, watching your favorite TV show, sex with other partners, communicating with friends.

Some people, trying to get rid of strong emotional experiences, strive to completely immerse themselves in work. This allows them to feel needed and busy, but over time the person begins to experience physical exhaustion and realizes that work does not bring moral satisfaction.

For other women or men, depression after divorce, on the contrary, manifests itself as a loss of ability to work due to the inability to concentrate. Constant mental anguish leads to memory deterioration and problems in professional activities.

Often, unfortunate people try to drown out mental pain with alcohol or drugs, and in the most severe cases, with a prolonged depressive state, suicidal thoughts may arise.

What is divorce from a social point of view?

First of all, let's look at divorce from a social point of view. Family and marriage psychologists point out that in our time the meaning of marriage has changed greatly. Back in the middle of the last century, the need for it was justified economically and socially. If in the past material well-being and, to a large extent, sexual relationships were possible precisely in marriage, now people marry solely for happiness. Let us not stoop to such petty decisions as arranged marriage. Let's talk about happiness... So, happiness is a fleeting thing. People change, grow up, and ideas about him at 20, 30, 40, 50 years old may turn out to be completely different. And it’s great if in a couple the partners develop in the same direction and they manage to maintain the pleasure of being together, and not slide into sad coexistence for the sake of children, mortgages or something else. Personally, I decided for myself a long time ago that divorce is better than an unhappy marriage. I myself have gone through two divorces and am now in my third marriage. And I have good news for you: there is life after divorce! And so that you can see this for yourself, learn to experience pain. And the best place to start is with the reason for the divorce. After all, our task in post-divorce life is to learn not to step on the same old rake again.

Stages of the post-divorce period

You need to know that depression after divorce in men and women occurs in approximately the same way. Psychologists identify 5 stages that absolutely every person inevitably has to go through after a breakup. Understanding the processes occurring in the soul helps to survive the post-divorce period easier. If a person knows that the negative emotions he is currently experiencing are absolutely normal, then it will be easier for him to realize that this state will not last forever and will soon pass.

Denial - occurs due to the fact that the body is trying to protect itself from severe mental shock. At this stage, a person seeks to devalue the broken relationship, complains to others about the shortcomings of his ex-spouse, and tries to give a rational explanation for the fact of divorce.
Bitterness - following the stage of denial, an embittered state arises. Resentment towards a former partner manifests itself as aggression towards his personality. If former spouses have to communicate during this period, then any communication ends in quarrels and mutual accusations.
An attempt at application - when strong emotions, aggression and resentment pass, a desire appears to restore the relationship. This period is considered one of the most difficult, since in most cases the desire for reconciliation arises only in one of the partners.
Depression - at this stage there is a clear awareness of what happened. A person understands that a broken relationship cannot be restored. He is overcome by a feeling of despair, fear for his fate and the lives of his children. Depression after a divorce can be especially acute for a woman who is on maternity leave and cannot work to provide a decent life for herself and her baby. If the divorce was initiated by a wife who was tired of her husband’s constant drunken brawls, then depression in a man is manifested by an awareness of his own worthlessness, guilt and helplessness. The duration of depression can depend on various factors; this indicator is individual for each person. It is when depression drags on for too long that it is necessary to take measures to combat this dangerous condition for emotional health.
Adaptation - after a period of depression, the understanding always comes that life goes on despite broken relationships, and you need to start adapting to new conditions.

Mistakes during divorce

At the peak of heightened emotions, people often commit rash acts. To avoid such actions, below is a basic list of them.

Family restoration after divorce

After a divorce, many women have the idea of renewing their family with their ex-husband creeping into their heads. Unfortunately or fortunately, this situation is one in a million. In my opinion, this is a terrible mistake, it is similar to taking a hot pan in your hands once, getting burned, and then picking it up again with your bare hands. Making the same mistake again.

Early fling with a new partner

Because of divorce, partners' self-esteem often drops. To restore it, girls lose their heads and go to great lengths... They begin to have fleeting affairs, trying to acquire new relationships.

This will not bring them satisfaction, it will only make them think that they are being taken advantage of due to the frequent change of partner. Take your time, engage in self-realization, spend time on your beloved self.

The child as a means of manipulation

I have already said above that you cannot use a child in a relationship matter. At this moment, the child has not yet formed a full-fledged emotional background, as well as an understanding of life. At the sight of swearing parents, noticing their drooping mood, the child will feel out of place, he will feel abandoned and unnecessary. Don't allow this to happen. Children, seeing their parents quarrel, most often try on themselves to blame.

Based on this fact, dragging a child into a showdown between adults is selfishness and injustice towards the child. You will only worsen his psyche. Do not scold or condemn either parent in front of the child. A child must believe and know that his parents are the best. Looking at the quarrel of his parents, he will already form views on what relationships within the family should look like in the future, and, perhaps, it is what he sees that he forms in his family.

Holding onto the past

Don't live in the past. Don't hold on to the memories. This will not bring you anything good; on the contrary, the longer you hold on to old memories, the more difficult it will be for you to acquire new relationships in real life. A broken marriage is not the end of the world. On the contrary, a new path has opened for you, which you can follow at will, taking into account your experience, without making mistakes. The choice is yours. Live in the past or start your happy future.

How long does depression last?

The answer to the question of how long depression lasts after divorce in women and men depends on various factors. The severity and duration of each of the above stages may vary depending on the reason for separation, the age of the spouses, the presence or absence of children, and financial security.

An important role in successfully overcoming the post-divorce period is played by the support of loved ones and friends. As a rule, the crisis period lasts no more than 2 years, although under favorable circumstances it can pass in just a few months.

Is it worth saving a marriage for the sake of a child?

This question is asked by spouses in whose relationship there is no longer mutual understanding and love, quarrels have become more frequent, and often each of them is visited by thoughts of divorce.

Some make a choice in favor of the child, do not want to traumatize his psyche and remain to live together, but as strangers. Others decide to divorce and feel guilty that they could not preserve a happy childhood for their child, when mom and dad love and care for their baby together.

But remember, dear parents: saving a marriage makes sense only when the parents behave respectfully towards each other and can resolve their differences. Otherwise, constant scandals, life in an atmosphere of hatred and irritation of parents towards each other will leave a deep mark on the mental development of the child.

As a rule, children deeply experience everything that happens between their parents. And they feel that mom and dad no longer love each other and don’t want to be together.

Therefore, before answering this question, think about whether you and your spouse can maintain an atmosphere of acceptance and respect in the family, or whether it would be better for you to separate and live separately from each other.

How to overcome depression after divorce?

How to cope with depression after a divorce, if life has lost its meaning and suicidal thoughts appear? In such a situation, it is urgent to contact an experienced psychologist who has sufficient experience working with divorced spouses.

Advice from an experienced specialist will help you quickly get rid of negative experiences, significantly shorten the post-divorce period, and find a new partner. Thanks to this, it will be possible to quickly return to the normal rhythm of life.

If depression after a divorce does not manifest itself as severe complications, then you should try to normalize your state of mind on your own. To do this, psychologists recommend following these tips:

Do not limit yourself in communicating with friends and loved ones. You should not lead a secluded lifestyle and avoid people - this will only worsen the condition. Even if you stopped communicating with old friends because of a divorce, this does not mean that you cannot make new acquaintances. Chatting with friends is one of the best ways to at least temporarily escape from difficult thoughts. Advice from loved ones will help you more adequately assess the situation and understand how to live further. If previously you spent most of your time on arranging your family life, now you can spend time with peace of mind among friends with similar interests.
Engage in physical activity - it helps to activate the production of happiness hormones, helps you cope with depression faster, and distracts you from negative emotions. Regular exercise teaches self-discipline and increases self-esteem. And besides, physical activity will help give your body tone and a great appearance.
Take care of yourself. This advice is relevant not only for women, but also for men who do not know what to do with depression after a divorce. Often, plunged into depression, representatives of the strong completely lose interest in their appearance - they forget to shower, shave, and change into fresh underwear. During depression, people are depressed and have little desire to preen themselves. However, following basic hygiene rules, buying new things, or changing your hairstyle will help increase self-esteem and recover faster.
Proper nutrition. Before the divorce, the wife prepared delicious lunches and dinners, fed the family, and then cleared the table. After the breakup, everything changed dramatically for both spouses. A woman may lose the desire to cook for a family that no longer exists, and a man often simply does not know how to turn a piece of raw meat into an edible dish. But we must remember that for the normal functioning of the body, including the nervous system, it is necessary to eat well. The diet should contain meat, fish, fruits, vegetables, cereals, dairy products - in no case should they be replaced with fast food. Vitamins, microelements and beneficial substances contained in “healthy” foods will help you recover faster, improve your emotional state, and quickly get rid of depression after a divorce.

Divorce of parents with children

It is not uncommon for adults to get divorced when they already have children. The most important thing at this moment is not to allow the breakdown of the relationship to affect the mental state of the children.

Try these tips:

If you have an adult child, try to talk to him, explain to him why the parents decided to separate. That the parents' divorce is in no way connected with him. His parents still love him and cherish him. Don’t try to lie to him, talk as equals.
Do not forbid your child to communicate with other parents. Your child should feel the love of both loved ones. This is necessary so that in the future the child does not feel deprived of care and does not consider himself the reason for the breakdown of his parents’ relationship.
Under no circumstances try to use the child for your own selfish purposes, for example, to get your loved one back. A dysfunctional family is much better than a family in which quarrels and showdowns occur day after day.

How to find personal harmony after divorce?

Depression after divorce occurs differently in women and men. So, women usually worry a lot during the first year. During this period, they cry a lot, complain to girlfriends and parents. Men do not allow themselves to show excessive emotions, they try to keep them inside themselves. As a result, a heavy emotional load leads to a constant state of depression and apathy, which often lasts about 1.5-2 years.

It is worth noting that in the first months after a divorce, ex-husbands may feel a state of euphoria, joy from a new, independent life. However, over time, a state of melancholy comes, the new life no longer seems so cheerful and carefree. In addition, if the marriage had common children, a few months after the divorce the man will fully realize how difficult it is not to be able to see them every day.

How to get out of depression after divorcing your wife?

Since men tend to hide their own feelings from others and deny their state of depression, a constantly depressed state can develop into a psychological disorder.

To avoid this, ex-husbands are advised to adhere to the following tips:

Avoid excessive and frequent consumption of alcoholic beverages.
Try to accept the fact of separation and the need to start a new, independent life.
Don't ignore meeting new women.
Chat with friends more often, try to sit alone at home less.
Take up a favorite hobby that your ex-spouse may not have previously enjoyed. For example, you can buy a used car and repair it, or buy an expensive fishing rod or fishing boat.
Take care of your body - sign up for a gym. This will help you stay organized and always look great.
Take measures to increase your own financial status - this will help increase your self-esteem.
Don’t keep all your experiences inside yourself; be sure to share them with a loved one - a friend, brother or parents.

Divorce from my husband: how to survive depression after separation?

After a divorce, women's self-esteem noticeably decreases. This means that in the process of struggling with depression, they need to try to learn to respect and love themselves again. The advice of experienced psychologists will help you understand how to get out of depression after a divorce from your husband and how to restore self-esteem.

Realize that from now on you are not obliged to devote several hours a day of your own time to cooking, washing, cleaning and other activities that made you a “good housewife”. Now you are your own boss.
Spend more time relaxing and communicating with friends. If you don't have small children, try to stay at home as little as possible.
Make acquaintance with a new man.
If you want to cry, don’t be shy to do so. Crying promotes emotional release. Just make sure you smile more during the day rather than cry. Don't turn crying and whining into a chronic habit.
Change your image, spend more time on your appearance.
Watch your figure.

Both men and women need to remember that depression after divorce is normal. But there is no need to drown in negative emotions. You have to fight for a happy life. Remember that every person is the architect of his own happiness. If you cannot do this on your own, contact a specialist, for example, psychologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin.

IMPORTANT! Informational article! Before use, you should consult a specialist.

Steps to a new life

Any divorce recognizes that all hopes and joint plans were in vain, efforts to create a strong family are futile, and relationships and love are unreliable. Yes, this is true, but you shouldn’t get hung up on this thought. You need to understand, step over and move on.

Self-care and a new image

It is not true that there is no one to care for if a loved one has disappeared. Even if there are no children in the family, you can always start taking care of yourself. If you want to start a new happy life after a divorce, do so that you feel good and comfortable: drink coffee in the morning, play loud music, buy a new fur coat, change your boring job, move to live in another city.

Be sure to change your image if funds allow. Cut your long hair into a bob or grow it short, start going to the gym and lose a couple of sizes, throw away your old clothes and buy new ones. Change, because from this moment your new life begins, into which you must enter as a different person.

READ

How to divorce your husband: effective recommendations

Communication with loved ones

Don’t reject your family and close friends; on the contrary, start spending more time in their company. They will not ask awkward questions, read moral lectures or scold you for a failed marriage. On the contrary, they will be able to give practical advice, support, make you laugh, and be silent when necessary, because they feel you better than other people. You shouldn’t isolate yourself, cut off contacts and spend days and nights alone, sobbing into your pillow. So it's not far from depression.

New hobby

Take the time freed up from washing, cooking and caring for your beloved with more interesting activities. If you have long wanted to learn how to draw or play the piano, then sign up for a course. Did you dream of losing weight, but didn’t have the energy to go to the gym or cook healthy and nutritious food? It's time to do it. Did you want to see the world? Start planning your trip (it’s not necessary to go there right now, but you can start saving money and planning a route).

Financial well-being

If you have a job you love, then half the work is already done. Start working actively, ask to go on business trips, finish things ahead of schedule. The boss will see your zeal and move you up the career ladder or increase your salary. This way you will spend your time profitably, take your mind off memories, and earn more money.

READ

How to get your beloved wife back: from searching for reasons to solutions to the problem

If you did not work anywhere, but were supported by your spouse, then the first thing you should do is look for income. Nowadays you can make good money even through the Internet. Have something to tell? Take up blogging. Can you write correctly? Become a copywriter. Are you great at Photoshop? Work as a designer. Learn an in-demand internet profession.

If you have arms and legs, then it is quite possible to work and earn money, even if you previously sat at home and did housework.

Decluttering

Look around your apartment. The husband has left, but so many tangible reminders of him and his past family life remain. Gather all the remaining items and put them in a large bag. If your spouse doesn’t need them, then take them to the trash. Take away family photo albums and gifts that remind you of a once loved one, throw out bed linens with hearts and replace them with something more neutral, fill empty shelves with new things.

Decluttering should be done not only in the apartment, but also in the phone, laptop and social networks. If you don’t want to delete photos forever, then copy them to your hard drive and put them away until better times. But you need to delete everything from gadgets and social networks so as not to plunge into memories every time.

New acquaintances

Start communicating with other men. It is not necessary to start a new relationship, but dates, light flirting, pleasant communication and friendship have not been canceled. You realize that you are beautiful, attractive and other people like you. This greatly improves self-esteem and improves mood.

You shouldn’t sit at home, you need to get out into the world more often - go to a cafe, cinema, theater, to all kinds of humorous shows in good company. If there is no company yet, then go alone or with a friend - there you will meet interesting people.

How a mother-in-law should behave with her ex-son-in-law

How to behave as a mother-in-law when your daughter divorces is another pressing question, the answer to which is clear. Whatever your relationship with your ex-son-in-law, you should not constantly discuss him in front of your daughter. This applies to both the shortcomings and advantages of a man. In the first case, the woman will definitely not feel any better from the realization that she has not lived with the best person for several years. Besides, whatever one may say, he was and remains the father of her children. No matter how difficult it is to survive the divorce of your daughter and son-in-law, you must try to help them maintain a normal relationship, at least for the sake of their grandchildren.

If the mother-in-law had an excellent relationship with her son-in-law, you should not remember this in front of your daughter immediately after the separation. Now is not the time to think about how to react correctly to your daughter’s divorce and whose side to take. That's why parents exist, to always be on the side of their child, even if a fair share of the blame for the breakup of the family lies with the daughter. And you certainly shouldn’t try to forcibly reunite the family - neither the mother-in-law nor the father-in-law can do this. In the end, ex-spouses are adults and will decide for themselves whether they need each other. It is likely that such an emotional shake-up will have a positive effect on the relationship, and they will live together happily ever after.

No matter how the parents react to their daughter’s divorce, one should not approach it as the collapse of one’s entire life. You need to support and let your child understand that this is a chance to start a new life and build a relationship in which the daughter will definitely be happy.

How to provide support?

The first thing to do is ask the person how he is feeling.
You shouldn’t try to play psychologist and try to guess what exactly the person is going through.

Even if you are sure that you know him or her better than anyone else. Mental reactions to stress are varied and individual .

There are two paths that further dialogue can take:

Your interlocutor has completely closed himself off and is not making contact.
Your interlocutor begins to talk about his experiences.

Don't be alarmed if you encounter the first option. Many people are accustomed to experiencing painful emotions within themselves at first . Usually this is a defense mechanism developed in childhood that protects the psyche from even more severe stress. Show this person that you are nearby and ready to help. He doesn't need anything else.

If the interlocutor is ready to talk, then your first and main task is to listen. When we talk about our mental anguish, part of the burden of painful feelings goes away. This is first aid in any stressful situation.

You need to try not only to listen, but also to hear. Try to understand the essence of the person’s words, look at the situation through his eyes. This will help you support him more effectively in the future.

There are several possible reactions to a breakup that you may encounter. This is a nuance on which support recommendations will depend:

Aggressive reaction .
A person gets angry with his ex-partner and blames him for all his troubles. It is important here not to let the interlocutor cross the line. Let the person speak out, but carefully engage in dialogue if he has a tendency to retaliate or hurt in response. Don't support him with such thoughts. Offer him alternative, safe options for releasing his anger. For example, write a malicious letter to your ex. There is no need to send a letter. The main thing is for the person to express all the anger that has accumulated in him.
Depressive reaction. With this type of response, a man or woman falls into a spectrum of emotions associated with sadness. The feeling of melancholy, apathy and emotional pain literally paralyzes him. This reaction is dangerous because it can become chronic. The supporter's job here is to prevent this from happening.
Give the person some time to grieve. The timing of grief is individual, but if the condition does not improve within a month, then this is a reason to move on to more active actions.
Talk to the person. Show that you are nearby and worried about him. Ask what help he needs. Find him contacts of a competent psychologist. Offer some kind of joint activity. It is important to bring a person into a state of active action.
The situation can get worse if alcohol and other bad habits are involved. In this case, it will be difficult to cope without the help of a qualified specialist.
Be close to the person for the first week after the breakup. Not physically, but emotionally. Try to understand his or her feelings, do not insist on your vision. Empathize. Finally, cry together. Sometimes this is enough.
Self-deprecating reaction .
This reaction is partly related to depression, but it has its own nuance. Here the person blames himself for what happened. This often goes hand in hand with depression.
The task of the supporter here will differ little from what is described in the previous paragraph. In addition to this, you can try to help the person share responsibility for the breakup with his former partner.
When his first, most acute wave of feelings passes, talk to him about how and why this happened. Show that your ex-partner's behavior also contributed to the end of the relationship.

There are always two people to blame for a breakup. Even if it seems to you that most of the responsibility really lies with your loved one, find that small part that does not lie with him.

The described reactions rarely occur in a single, pure form. More often they mix with each other, sometimes they appear in turn. Focus on the situation and remember that your most important task is to hear and understand .