When getting married, most young people plan to create a strong and friendly family. It seems to them that a happy family life is forever. But living together often brings disappointment in your partner.
Some couples break up without even living a year, without having time to have children together. Such a divorce, of course, brings a lot of bitter feelings and experiences. But it is much easier to bear than separation after a long marriage.
What is the likelihood of a relationship breaking up after several years of marriage?
The reasons for breaking up a relationship can be very different.
Psychologists have repeatedly tried to understand what the main factors of this phenomenon are. An experiment was conducted at the University of Michigan (USA). Its goal: to collect the most significant reasons, as a result of which, after a short marriage, previously loving spouses began to lose interest in each other and experience hostility. Over 125 couples were interviewed. The list of questions implied answers to intimate and sensitive topics.
In total, the experiment continued for sixteen years (after seven years of marriage, again after nine years). The result was unexpected. Boredom came first. Lack of trust and a huge number of family conflicts are caused by this very feeling.
You can agree or disagree with this statement. Statistical data collected over many years of experimentation indicate that families have more mutual understanding and harmony if there is no boredom.
The likelihood of divorce in early marriage is very high. Lack of preparation for starting a family, expressed in the lack of desire to compromise and take into account the partner’s point of view, financial difficulties (most young families face them), disagreements in matters of raising a child often serve as a reason for a breakup.
Creating a strong family is work, responsibility for your future and your children.
Willingness to build family happiness and ensure financial independence. The idealization of a partner and the romanticism of relationships often fail completely after several years of living together. Something that you didn’t pay attention to before you started living together suddenly begins to irritate you. It turns out that the wife (husband) is far from ideal.
Ways to survive divorce
Psychologists advise overcoming pain and resentment, going through the stage of denial and accepting the fait accompli, taking into account the following recommendations:
- Reduce communication and all contacts to a minimum, remove from your eyes everything that reminds you of your ex-spouse;
- Give free rein to your emotions, cry if you want;
- Don't listen to other people's advice. In this situation, you need the help of a person who will not advise, but will sincerely sympathize and support you;
- Love and pamper yourself. After suffering stress, provide yourself with psychological comfort, do not deny yourself anything, remember that the main thing is to regain peace of mind and harmony. Do not deny yourself physical activity - walking, sports, general cleaning can increase the level of endorphins in the blood, which is very important after suffering stress. Just don’t do anything by force;
- Use meditation and relaxation techniques, listen to yourself and get to know yourself. Take advantage of your free time so as not to live in the interests of your husband, develop yourself, do something that you have long wanted to do, expand your social circle.
Reasons for divorce after many years of marriage
If the decision to divorce is not by mutual consent, enormous psychological trauma is inflicted on the abandoned spouse. Sociological research indicates that family life consists of several stages of development.
The end of each stage is usually characterized by a crisis. And how each individual family will survive this crisis depends only on the efforts of its members.
After 5-10 years
After 5 years of marriage, most families already have children together. Educational issues often become a stumbling block. The birth of a handicapped child can also serve as a catalyst for the husband to leave. Inability to build good relationships with relatives, moving. Yes, anything.
The fact that the marriage is under threat is evidenced by:
- decreased attraction of spouses to each other;
- lack of desire to please;
- quarrels over children;
- there are no general plans for the future;
- indifference to each other;
- irritation with the actions of the spouse;
- lack of common interests.
After 15-20 years
Don't relax when the first crisis is over. The onset of middle age is also characterized by certain changes in family life. Children no longer require as much attention as before. More free time appears, which means we need some new goals.
✔ Relationship mistakes
Many couples, as soon as they feel cold in their relationship, immediately run to apply for divorce. Is it correct? After all, it is known that a marriage union can go through a crisis for several years. Sometimes it is enough just to endure an unfavorable period. A woman is different from a man by nature, therefore, there are situations that often lead to disagreements and reluctance to understand each other.
There are several signs by which you can understand that the relationship between spouses is not the same as before:
- After 30 years of marriage, people begin to spend less time together.
- They prefer to appear in public separately.
- They sleep in different rooms.
- They often quarrel over trifles.
- Stay late at work.
- They look for new flaws in each other, forgetting about their virtues.
- Divorce after 35 years of life does not seem something scary and stupid to spouses.
A marriage lasting thirty years has every chance of not ending in divorce. All that is needed for this is communication, mutual understanding and respect. If divorce is inevitable, then do not despair. We need to move on and try not to make the same mistakes.
Should you get a divorce: pros and cons
Before deciding to divorce, you should carefully weigh the pros and cons. If the marriage is accompanied by the use of violence by the husband against his wife or children, if all ways to preserve it have been exhausted, or the husband (wife) is addicted to alcohol (drugs) and does not want to get rid of this addiction, dissolution is inevitable.
There is no point in restoring something that cannot be saved. In most cases, it is possible to save the family if both parties wish.
Even when a family is on the verge of collapse, you should try to come to an agreement. If you couldn’t do it on your own, you can visit a psychologist.
How divorce affects children
Divorce is the greatest stress for children of any age; this is where psychological problems in relationships with the opposite sex in adulthood originate. That is why it is necessary to minimize the impact of parental separation on children, especially minors.
A small child does not understand why dad and mom stop living together; even newborn children feel this. Their understanding of the world and their role in it is just developing, and both parents must be present to create a complete picture. If this harmony is disturbed, the baby acutely feels the loss of security, experiences anxiety and stress.
As a rule, divorces are preceded by conflicts between parents, and the child, who is not yet able to express in words his attitude to what is happening, becomes nervous, excitable, and behaves inappropriately. Difficulties with falling asleep begin, fear of being left alone, whims, tearfulness, loss of appetite and even enuresis appear.
Adults should pay a lot of attention to the baby and his problems, and all conflicts and showdowns should take place behind closed doors and under no circumstances in the presence of the child.
Psychology of children whose parents separate
There will definitely be a child's reaction to divorce. Most children have a very negative attitude towards their parents' separation. This can be especially acute if the divorce occurs in front of a teenage child.
Regardless of whether the divorce occurred peacefully, by mutual consent of the parents, or was the result of scandals and proceedings in the family.
Even if the result was getting rid of a tyrant or alcoholic father, the stress received by the child is enormous. The psychological effect is like an explosion.
Divorce and adult children
Experiencing a parent's divorce during adolescence is a serious test for the psyche. At this time, the personality is formed anew, and against the backdrop of stress from a break in family relationships, problems may arise in the form of antisocial behavior, leaving the family, or even a suicide attempt. The teenager blames both his mother and father for what happened, may become embittered, and his ideas about family cohesion will be seriously shaken, which will cause problems in creating his own family. To prevent this, you need to talk to the child, explain to him the reasons for this behavior of the parents, try to show him that you are not betraying him and value his opinion and interests.
What to do if a man is a drunkard: quit or rehabilitate?
Living with an alcoholic is fraught with a lot of negative consequences. Not only do children constantly witness drinking bouts, but later in life they themselves may become addicted to drinking, because their alcoholic dad always did this.
The family budget suffers. Man is deteriorating. Normal family life in such conditions is impossible. On the other hand, if a person wants to quit drinking, but does not have enough willpower, it is worth fighting for.
There are many known cases where even the most bitter drunkard got rid of addiction. The main thing is to help in time, you should do what is possible and what is not.
Drinking husband - divorce or not?
Alcoholism in men is a chronic disease, and it is difficult to cure it if the person himself does not want it. Living with an alcoholic creates certain difficulties - you avoid situations where alcohol is present, you are afraid to invite friends to visit, or to go somewhere, even if it is an important corporate event. Divorcing a man who drinks will allow you to feel independent and build your life without regard to your husband’s bad habit. The reason for his behavior lies in the mind of the person himself, and if you are not ready to throw all your strength into fighting his alcoholism, the best option would be divorce.
Gray divorce: why do couples break up after 20 years of marriage?
Lately, I keep hearing about divorces of couples who have been married for more than 20 years. Why couldn’t they save the marriage and did they try to save it?
It would seem that the most difficult times are behind us, all the rough edges have been smoothed out, the material basis has been created, the children have grown up. Finally, you can relax, enjoy peace, live without haste and hysterics. Travel, visit theaters, restaurants, afford things you couldn’t do before. But for some reason this doesn't happen.
The problems that kept the spouses together for many years turned out to be a screen to cover up the growing alienation
. Throughout life, small cracks accumulated, one by one, but were ignored, masked by a heap of current worries and gradually turned into deep faults. Finally, they merged into a huge abyss, separating the spouses, leaving them on different sides.
A parallel life has begun
. Two different realities - his and hers. This is no longer a family, but a couple of loners who do not understand what binds them together. From being lovers for twenty years, living so close, they turned into almost strangers.
Such divorces are called “ Gray divorces.”
"(The Gray Divorce), apparently because of the gray hair that spouses acquire over time.
Can anything be done to prevent such an end? What are its reasons?
The main reason is ignoring weak signals
, which are expressed in reluctance:
hear and reach each other, share each other’s problems, pay attention to mutual requests, listen to each other about doubts, fears,
There is no romance left in the life of the spouses and even intimacy gradually disappears from the relationship. Communication is reduced, spouses hardly speak. Their conversations concern only children, finances and everyday problems. They thank each other less and less and no longer say kind words of love. Often spouses share their time not with each other, but with their computer.
Is it possible to save such a marriage? Very hard!
It is important during marriage to form a dream about a future together.
If there is no such image, then there will be nothing to implement.
You cannot ignore requests, allow distance from each other and the growth of your own realities.
Need to:
share problems, listen to each other, do not neglect emotional and intimate relationships, do something together: travel, walk, attend events, do not forget about kind words and gratitude, confess your love to each other more often, because it is the main thing on which it rests family.
But this is in theory. In practice it's more complicated
. Gray, as we know, has fifty shades.
An example of my neighbors.
They had one dream: to build a big house, plant a vegetable garden, raise chickens and geese. The house is beautiful, two-story with a huge balcony. But the garden withered away. Because the husband kicked out his old wife and brought in his young wife, who is now lounging on the balcony in a beautiful chaise lounge and reading a book. And the common dream did not help. That's how it happens.
Divorce for women of “Balzac” age
Time flew by unnoticed, the children had already grown up, it would seem that everything was fine.
But at the age of 50–60, a woman can go through all the hardships of divorce. Separation between spouses when they are under 50 can be called a common occurrence. At the age of 50, a woman takes this even more seriously. When a person is so old, it is already difficult to give up habits, an established way of life and mutual friends. For couples who are 50–60 years old, relationships are no longer passionate and romantic. This is love based on mutual respect, understanding and care for children and grandchildren. At this time, the woman and the man have already achieved their financial and professional well-being, they have a lot of common property, and may even have a common business. Therefore, divorce in such a situation is problematic from any point of view. But still, couples do this.
Men aged 50–60 often want to feel young again, they become attracted to women younger than them and leave their usual life with their spouse. A woman aged 50–60 years is less likely to initiate divorce. She already has other interests related to the arrangement of the fate of her children and grandchildren, as well as an established household. She has to go through a divorce at age 50 at the request of her husband.
The family is a union that must constantly develop. In this sense, the age of 50–60 years can be considered a crisis. During these years, everything lived is re-evaluated, including family relationships. When there is nothing left to remember and evaluate, a break occurs. Until the age of 50, life was filled with events, children grew and developed. And after 50, at retirement age, all the negative energy that has accumulated throughout your life may require release.
Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:
Reasons for divorce after 30 years of marriage
07/14/2017 — 11:07, admin. 7390 0
Probably, today almost every inhabitant of the planet has relatives, friends, just acquaintances or friends who have taken this step - divorce after 30 years of marriage. What is there to be surprised about, we live in a time when everything is turned upside down. But is it worth stopping there?
Is it worth just humbly accepting the realities of this time, choking in statistics on divorce cases? Do we humans really have to take for granted everything that ruins our lives? Of course not. And I don’t say this “no” to those who have already divorced after 30 years of marriage, because you have already made this break in the relationship, and therefore have the right to now continue to live as you see fit.
But, by and large, in this article I will address those who are still on the verge of divorce, who are at a crossroads, so to speak. It is for you to consider two main reasons that happen to people. The reasons that push them to break off the relationship.
Why do people decide to divorce after 30 years of living together? What pushes the spouses to take this step?
For all those who are still agonizing over whether to divorce or not, it will be useful to find out the frequently repeated reasons that lead to divorce after so many years of living together.
✔ Life without a husband
For a woman who has been married to her partner for 30 years, the first time after a divorce is incredibly difficult. She often becomes depressed and doesn’t know how to move on. But even such a difficult situation is not a reason to give up on yourself, but to some extent, on the contrary, an opportunity to do what you have long wanted to do, but did not succeed. For example, go on a trip around the world alone to a place where no one knows you in order to make new acquaintances. Life after divorce is not as scary as it might seem at first glance.
For a girl, divorce at 30 is a reason to become withdrawn and unsure of herself. In such cases, the help of a psychologist is simply necessary. You shouldn’t put up with the fact that you are now alone, which means no one needs you. This is just an opportunity to start life again.
Domestic violence: divorce is inevitable
The popular saying “hitting means loving” is fundamentally wrong. Practice shows that if a man even once raises his hand to a woman, he will no longer be able to stop. Trusting relationships in the family are impossible if brute physical force is used. You can try to correct the situation and discuss it with your husband in a calm conversation, but if this repeats periodically, and the arguments of reason do not reach the spouse in the heat of a quarrel, there is only one way out - divorce.
