Divorce is always a difficult test for a woman. But it’s especially difficult to get over a separation from your husband while staying with your children. In such a situation, the main thing is not to despair, but to take the advice of a psychologist and the help of friends. This article examines how a woman can survive a divorce while remaining with a child, taking into account the accompanying circumstances and unacceptable mistakes.
How does divorce affect children?
The child perceives the divorce as his personal guilt and resentment; he is overcome by rage and a feeling that he has been betrayed. He finds it difficult to understand why one of his parents will no longer live with him.
A string of thoughts and questions arises in my head: What did I do wrong? Maybe I was disappointed in something?
He unconsciously and consciously begins to blame himself for what happened, because he was capricious so often, or lost his phone just recently, or got a D in the quarter. The baby does not share himself with his mom and dad at all, he does not understand and does not know the true reasons, and it is much easier for his psyche to blame himself. It is very important to discourage this ideology and not allow it to develop. It is necessary to explain and answer all questions, even the most stupid and awkward ones.
The feeling of resentment will overwhelm him, because he could not keep his dad, he left anyway and will now live separately.
- What if he doesn’t want to see me at all?
- Or maybe he will never come again?
- Or maybe he doesn’t love you at all?
Why is that? The child grew up with the confidence that he was the main value of the family, and now they have left him. He may begin to become hysterical more and more often, make scandals, break something, and attract attention to himself.
The ominous feeling that he was betrayed, and betrayed by his closest and most beloved person, will affect both the child’s behavior and his mood.
The desire to take revenge on the culprit: the father left them for another woman, so the mother said, and now the son shows in every possible way that he does not want to see, communicate with his father, ignores his messages, calls, etc.
Despair can set in because the child does not know what to do and how he will now have to live. Fear that he has fallen out of love, loss covers him. Rage can come towards any parent, be it mom or dad. Children who divorce their parents may blame one of them for the fact that the family has broken up, for example, mom kicked out dad and now she is bad, or dad left us and left and that means he is a traitor.
There are some differences in the behavior of girls and boys during the period of divorce.
“Girls experience this stress and their vast emotions more deeply within themselves and rarely show them.
- Boys, with all their behavior, express a protest, they can study poorly, get involved in fights and brawls.
Important: The temperament and character of all children are different, but the general characteristics show that most often girls experience stress on their own, while boys experience stress themselves and do not give others peace of mind.
The child often feels abandoned and abandoned. During a divorce, parents stop living together, their place of residence, which is very familiar and beloved, changes, school, kindergarten and usual circle of friends may change, this increases emotional stress. Therefore, it is extremely important to pay due attention to communication with your child after a divorce, spend evenings or weekends together, and allocate a sufficient amount of your personal time.
This state can be called, to some extent, even the norm; it is the result of experienced emotions. But if the child’s behavior begins to alarm him, he behaves unusually, not the way he always does, it’s strange, his tantrums drag on, etc., there is no need to procrastinate. Seek help from a specialist.
He will help you sort out your feelings, express yourself somewhere, cry somewhere, throw out negative emotions and free yourself. Stop blaming your parents, don’t blame yourself, regain the confidence that you are loved, trust and a sense of security.
Possible mistakes
Everyone wishes only the best for their children, but at the same time, in a fit of anger or other emotions that accompany divorce, they make mistakes. They can lead to sad consequences in the form of childhood mental trauma, changes in the child’s personality for the worse, etc. Let’s look at the most common mistakes parents make in relation to children during a divorce.
- Scandals. If during a divorce you spend time on quarrels and quarrels with your ex-partner, and not on your child, then you risk losing him completely. He may become withdrawn, feel unwanted, lonely, abandoned. And children will simply run away from home, where scandals constantly occur and where parents have no time for them, but to sort out their own relationships.
- Manipulation of children. A common mistake is when mom and dad begin to pull the blanket over each other and pull the child from one side to the other. So, for example, the mother begins to say: “Your father cheated on us! He doesn’t deserve you to communicate with him.” Or: “Now my father has other worries, he has gone to his new aunt and her children.” At this moment, the woman forgets that the man left not the child, but her, and cheated not on his son or daughter, but on her! But limiting communication with your parent because of your grievances will definitely play a cruel joke on you. Whatever your partner is to you, for the child he is first and foremost a father.
- Lie (to a child). If parents begin to become sophisticated and lie to their children, this also does not bode well. So, when you hide the fact that you are going to get a divorce, you are letting your child know that you don’t trust him, even if you have the purest thoughts and want to protect him from unnecessary worries. He will still suffer, only added to this will be resentment towards you for hiding the truth.
See also:
Should you divorce your alcoholic husband?
How does a woman with children usually experience divorce?
It depends on the parents whether their child will grow up lonely and distrustful or cheerful and kind during a divorce, and how they will be able to come to an agreement among themselves and with their child. A huge responsibility for the future of a son or daughter lies with the former spouses, it is important to understand this.
But it’s not easy for a woman left with children after a divorce. According to psychologists, a state of depression, hysterics, tears, sadness, etc. – all these emotional outbursts must be experienced. This condition will not last forever; according to statistics, it will take from several weeks to several months to adapt to the new position and conditions.
Stress and shock associated with divorce are equated to the death of a loved one, it is very important for a woman to correctly assess her condition and understand that all this is a normal reaction of her psyche, she needs not to close herself off, but to live through these emotions, cry, maybe scream, unwind or speak out, change the environment or just go to a cafe.
Depression can provoke breakdowns, problems with sleep, appetite, general lethargy and loss of energy, aggression and frequent mood swings.
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This is not your war
Whatever he plays now, whatever he does now, whoever he stays with, and whatever he says, it doesn’t concern you. It's not your problem anymore. Of course, he can call and ask in a special voice “what kind of demonstrations? Why did you unfriend me on all the networks?” to which you need to answer in a clear voice “and this is so that you don’t see my locks, of course.”
If he wants to communicate with children, let them communicate directly. Doesn't your child have a phone? Let him buy it. This is not your problem.
How to survive a divorce with two children and cope with stress
It is important for a divorced woman with one or more children not to be shy about asking relatives, close friends and acquaintances for help. In order to just go to the store or take a bath alone, you can invite your grandmother to take a walk with the children or send her to kindergarten, or hire a nanny for a couple of hours a day.
This will have a positive effect on restoring emotional stability and calm. It is necessary to differentiate between rest and work, to devote time, even minimal - an hour a day, in order to put your thoughts in order and restore strength.
It is extremely difficult to maintain a “golden mean” in a relationship with a child; sometimes a mother chooses an extreme and completely dissolves in her child, is afraid of harming his psyche, completely indulges his whims, fulfills all his desires, spends a huge amount of money, allows him to behave disrespectfully, etc.
It is necessary to differentiate situations, children very sensitively feel the situation, the atmosphere and mood of the mother, and realizing that the mother is ready for anything at the moment, they can easily begin to manipulate and use the situation to their advantage.
To avoid an outburst of anger, aggression and negativity on children, it is also necessary to allocate time for both the children and yourself. Find common interests or hobbies that will be interesting to everyone, come up with new traditions: getting together and drinking tea at 4 pm, or going to the pool on weekends.
There are several important points that can haunt a woman at first:
- Fear of mistakes
Very often, it is fear that arises: maybe I was wrong again, maybe I should have stayed, taken a closer look, or maybe he will change... You are not a psychotherapist, not a nanny or a mother for your man, you are a woman, a wife. You absolutely don’t need to re-educate anyone, look closely and expect that everything will change someday.
Feeling fear and worry is the norm for our psyche; the main thing is to prevent a protracted form and consult a psychologist in time.
- Longing can often visit
Longing for those distant times when everything was fine, when everything began, because living together for many years does not pass without a trace, especially when there are children in the family.
Longing for the person who was closest and dearest. Our brain remembers the good, happy moments of marriage, and will continue to recall them. It is necessary not to dwell on the past, there are still many good and joyful days ahead, a new life and new people.
- Lack of understanding of how to continue living
Habits formed over several years, lifestyle, foundations will have to be changed. This is not easy, again our brain is very lazy and likes to work according to the established rules, so somewhere you will need to show perseverance, strictly plan the main points of your new life, work, children, rest, entertainment. Don’t forget to support and praise yourself, because everything will work out!
- Mood swings may be a common occurrence in your life.
Energy gives way to a sharp loss of strength, the good mood suddenly disappears and you want to cry. This is unlikely to be avoided, but you shouldn’t succumb to endless despondency. You can try playing sports or going dancing, or maybe start drawing. It is quite possible to fill your life with new bright colors.
- Self-doubt, identity crisis
Very often, a woman in marriage completely dissolves in her husband, children and everyday life. Her work, interests and hobbies are left behind, and now, left floating freely, she realizes that she can no longer do anything except be a wife and mother.
It becomes scary that nothing will work out, self-confidence is at zero. There is a way out here too. Now, in the age of the Internet, you can quickly upgrade your brain, take new courses, learn and acquire a new profession, or update old knowledge.
This will help you feel “afloat” again, in demand and needed. Self-esteem will rise, it will be easier to build a life and be more confident in the future.
- Emptiness in the soul after parting, a feeling of loneliness, silence can disturb the soul
Here it is important not to isolate yourself, to establish regular communication with relatives, friends, girlfriends. Fill your life as much as possible with communication with people, positive, bright personalities.
It is important to prevent chronic depression and, if it shows signs or frequent manifestations, contact a psychologist or psychotherapist for help. Do not hesitate to admit your weakness and helplessness in the face of this problem. Mental health and stability are very important for building a successful future life. Mental wounds will heal and lightness and positivity will return to their place.
The soul and heart will again be open to love and joy. Trust in men, relationships and marriage will gradually return.
Be with your children as much as you can
According to the airplane principle - put an oxygen mask on 1. yourself 2. on the child. Even if these are students who knew almost all of dad's quirks, your decision to leave is sad and traumatic for them, like a fire made of their children's toys.
“So everything I learned from them doesn’t work?” It is clear that they are freaking out. Another question is that you cannot be made a drain pipe for this negativity. Use the “okay, kids, I’m going to make your mother” method and come cheerful and energetic. And fill the gap with grandma, nanny or his turn.
Is it all mom's fault again? I’ll go alone to the kitchen to drink coffee. I’m going through a divorce, I’m worried, and you sit alone. Have you woken up? Let's eat ice cream? or shall we go to the bathroom and throw paint?
It is also useful to hang a punching bag in the house. All of you have aggression through the roof right now, it’s good to have somewhere to put it to good use. And the children, looking at their mother screaming and hitting a pear with a mop, will stop considering their mother boring. Even if such a thought could creep in on them - after all, a person is in a state of constant self-control: “No, I’m not crying. I will not die. I have things to do. So, let's go to kindergarten...” usually looks just that gray and boring.
If you find an opportunity to go somewhere with your children, consider your strength and decide who you will put the oxygen mask on. If yours is already in place, then we take care of the children. Maybe blame part of the trip on someone else and only take half of it for yourself. But you have to give half of it to the children - it’s very scary to feel that your second parent is leaving you.
How to help children get through divorce
There is no need to turn children against their father, constantly lamenting how bad he is and how he treated you all, even if he really is unworthy of kind words. Children will blame themselves for these misfortunes and will continue to live with it, bringing these problems and neurosis into their adult lives.
- Lisa 23 years old:
“I dated a guy for 3.5 years and endured betrayal, insults and humiliation just so as not to be left alone. The fear of loneliness and the constant desire to please were absorbed into my consciousness so firmly that the only thought I could think of was to pack up and leave. I will repeat the fate of my mother...
- Evgenia 32:
“Left with two children without housing and livelihood, I despaired. I blamed myself and every step I took. I was sure that it was I who could not preserve the family hearth, that I did not care enough, love, etc. It was difficult for me to accept the fact that I had chosen the wrong man, that I had “closed my eyes” where it was absolutely forbidden to do so.
After working through this situation with a psychologist for almost a year, finding out the roots of the problem, I was able to let go of emotions and fear. I got a job, the children went to kindergarten, I again wanted to be beautiful and take care of myself, new interests appeared, and so did he.”
- Nikolai, 34 years old:
“When my parents divorced, I was 7 years old. My father did not want to come and was very rarely interested in my life. Mother said that he no longer needed us. I felt acute guilt within myself and unconsciously carried it in my head all these years.
I studied well, went to work early, I always wanted to be the best and the first. I wanted to prove to my father that I was a tough guy, that I had achieved so much. I wanted to earn his love. Only at the age of 32 did I realize that I didn’t like work, the constant struggle for primacy, too, I just want to live and enjoy life, and not prove that I’m good and the best, that I’m worthy of someone’s love.”
All these stories, and there are a huge number of them, show how divorce and the incorrect behavior of parents in this situation affect children and how they behave in adulthood.
It is important for children to have regular meetings with their parent, who now lives separately. It is regularity, as it gives a feeling of stability and security, confidence for the child.
Spending quality time together once or twice a week will be enough to avoid feeling loneliness and fear of uselessness. Constantly remind you how much you love your child and how much the rest of the family, including the other parent, loves him.
Parents are forever, even if the family no longer exists, both father and mother bear full responsibility. It is not at all worth paying off your child with gifts, competing with the money spent, it is better to spend your time and attention. The emotions from walking and playing together will be brighter than any toys and will remain in memory for a lifetime.
- Do not set restrictions on communication with relatives, grandparents. Evenly distribute the burden of caring for the child, for example, dad always takes his son to kindergarten or picks him up, and on weekends he takes him swimming.
- Do not refuse financial assistance or gifts. The participation of the second parent in everyday life is simply necessary, because Sometimes it is very difficult for a woman alone to create the necessary and adequate living conditions.
Of course, divorce is a difficult period morally and financially. It is difficult and sometimes impossible to prepare for it. According to statistics, more than 600,000 families divorce in Russia every year, of which 500,000 have children. These sad numbers are not encouraging.
“Initiator” does not mean “culprit”
Even if you leave, you don’t have to consider yourself the destroyer of the family. From that family, perhaps, only an empty shell remained for a long time. Someone is cheated on, family money is stolen from someone, someone has been having sex with someone for years exclusively at 6 in the morning, with someone sleeping. And in the evening, no, sorry, not today. You can't have a bottle of alcohol in someone's house. If one of the two believes that the marriage is over, then the marriage is over.
If you leave because a prince from Monaco is taking you and your children to his yacht... Then you will deal with your guilt yourself, and you don’t need additional discussions. So anyone who tells you what a fool you are for ruining such a wonderful family goes to the garden.
Psychological help after divorce
Divorce is a difficult time for both spouses and their children. Even in the most difficult cases, with strong grievances, it is important to remain calm, adequate, and steadfast. A psychologist will help you overcome this situation.
It is sometimes difficult for a woman alone to cope with the burden that has piled up; she now faces too many tasks; it is the psychologist who will explain how to let go of a grudge, forgive a spouse, take responsibility for your life and the lives of your children, how to cope with despondency and emptiness, the fear of loneliness and fear of unfulfillment. It will help you gain confidence in yourself and your future and believe that life is just beginning.
Author: Anna Zabrovskaya
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Tags: children relationships consultation with a psychologist psychologist online children advice from a psychologist childhood trauma how to survive a divorce new relationships after divorce
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Ask for help and take it
We once wrote how to help a friend who was getting divorced - so we sent this post to everyone who asked “how can I help you?” You are going through a difficult period right now. Minus the brain hunger from a dying relationship, minus the everyday services of an adult, plus the inevitable anxiety and neurosis of half-orphaned children, minus the money that the ex did bring to the family.
Here, as I remember, we used to be able to make money easier after a divorce - the man ate something to eat, but threw five thousand a month into the common fund. But, if you decide to get a divorce without leading to such an absurdity, then money will become more difficult. And the opportunity to go somewhere has become even rarer, especially if the children are not high school students.
Ask for help. You won't always be freshly divorced. Sooner or later you will stop being sick, the children will sooner or later accept the situation and also stop giving the country coal, everything will work out, in general. Then you can return the help. Or pass it on.
Adoption of the law on “shared custody”
It seems to me that it makes sense to consider the experience of Western European countries (Sweden, Great Britain) and America. Joint custody is a legal arrangement in which divorced parents participate equally in raising their children. In this case, fathers not only bear the burden of financial responsibility, but also share the actual care and concern for the children.
The first option is when parents live far from each other. In this case, the child permanently lives with one of the parents, and for all holidays and vacations lives with the other.
The second option is when parents live close to each other and equally divide the time spent with their children. For example, a child lives with his father for 2 weeks, with his mother for 2 weeks. There are options: a month after a month or a week after a week. In each specific case, parents themselves set the frequency. At the same time, no one pays alimony to anyone.
In such a situation, every parent has to think about what to feed their children for breakfast, lunch or dinner, depending on the kindergarten/school schedule. What to feed your child 3 times a day if it is weekends, holidays or holidays. What to do with your child and how to adjust your plans with his presence. Every parent has to keep an eye on the child’s clothes, so that there is something to wear that is clean and appropriate for the weather, about lessons and the availability of stationery.
The child also gets used to new rules, which may be different for each parent. For example, mom does her homework first, then her smartphone. Dad has homework in the evenings, and during the day he can go out with friends. This is absolutely normal and does not have any negative impact on the child’s psyche. Rather, on the contrary, it gives the experience of integrating into a different structure of relationships.
In both cases, the inclusion of both parents in the child’s upbringing does not give him the opportunity to feel lonely and unnecessary to one of the parents.
Building a new life
If strong feelings have already subsided, it would be nice to remember what you dreamed of before meeting your husband, what dreams you lived, who you wanted to become, what you could not do when you were not alone.
It could be such little things as a short haircut, or it could be something more significant - going to university, taking a cruise, mastering new specialties. The psychologist’s advice is clear – it’s time to start implementing plans. It’s good if it’s a promotion, turning a hobby into a job. Receiving praise and seeing the fruits of your efforts, every day you will begin to feel more confident, easy-going, and begin to enjoy life. It's time to move on, the problem is in the past.
Try to think positively, this will help you get over the divorce from your husband even faster and start life with a clean slate. This does not mean that you just need to rejoice and drive away any negative experiences. But it would be nice to try to focus on the positive, to surround yourself with beautiful things. Accept compliments, communicate with interesting people. People who will support you in chanting “this bastard ruined my life” are unlikely to be able to bring something constructive into your life and give practical advice. Most likely, they also have many unresolved problems and they can stew in them endlessly, but this only destroys them. When you are left alone, you should not look for those to blame for what happened.
Many will argue that it is impossible to raise a child alone and be successful. And if you’re left alone with two or three children, you won’t have enough time or money. If we can agree with this, it is only that it will not be easy. But the word “impossible” is completely unnecessary here. Today there are a large number of sites dedicated to mothers. There are many opportunities for distance education and earning money without leaving your home.
There are communities that engage in collective purchasing, communities of women who are ready to support each other. To do this, you only need the desire to live and the belief that everything is ahead. That you are not a defective woman with tails, not an unsettled single mother, but a person who knows what he wants. A person who does not bury his head in the sand, continuing to lead a life that is unbearable for him. A woman who was left alone with a child or even two children and decided to divorce in order to give herself and her children the opportunity to experience all the colors of this world. Good luck to you, a little time will pass and you will become a calm and successful woman who wants to live on, and happy children grow up next to you. And the advice of a psychologist will no longer be of any use to you!
Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:
How to reach a compromise
In civilized countries, for example in the Netherlands, during a divorce, spouses resort to the help of a psychologist and mediator. They help parents agree on the conditions in which the child will live. This should be an informed decision for both parties. This is possible if both parents are interested in the future fate of their children. A mediator helps disputing parties engage in dialogue, discuss problems and find compromises. He does not decide who is right and who is wrong in the divorce, but focuses on the future, what will happen to each family member after the divorce. This practice helps improve relationships between divorced spouses and transform them into partnerships. In addition, agreements reached during the mediation process are more readily implemented by both parties than court decisions. Options for joint custody are not considered if there has been domestic violence in the family, one of the parents is an alcohol or drug addict, or poses a threat to society.
It will take more than one decade for joint custody to become a reality in Russia. You can't just pass a law and force everyone to follow it. Our people are not yet ready for this. The bonds of traditional parenting are too strong, when the father is by default the earner and breadwinner, and the mother is the mother hen taking care of the children. Fatherhood is not an important part of male identity. Therefore, the stage of formation by the state of the image of a man as a father is important. Fatherhood should be honored and supported by society.
Today, many Russian men are absolutely helpless when it comes to supporting and raising a child. They do not imagine the amount of responsibility that will fall on their shoulders if they have to raise a child alone, even for a limited period of time. It will take more than one year, most likely decades, when it will finally cease to be shameful for men to deal with children. It doesn't matter whether the parents are married or divorced.
Men must learn how to manage schools, tutors and clubs. Make an appointment for your children and go with them to appointments. Monitor the availability of clothing by season and age. Understand the properties of demi-season and winter clothing, know which manufacturers you can buy them from. What and how often to wash a child, how to comb girls’ hair. How to behave when a child is hysterical, when there is a conflict with friends. How to discuss serious topics and give effective advice. All this does not appear by itself, only after the adoption of a law. Men must learn this too, and this process is not quick.
Joint custody is not a panacea for solving all the problems that arise in a divorce. Moreover, it even partially gives rise to them. For example, for some fathers, joint custody is a reason to relieve themselves of the burden of alimony, actually transferring the upbringing of the child to other members of their family: mother, new wife. And this problem will also have to be solved. However, for the mother of the child herself, provided that the relatives on her husband’s side are sane and interested in raising her, this is rather a plus. Yes, I would like the father himself to take part in the upbringing. But if the child is well-fed, shod, fed, and is in a comfortable situation, then in general the mother still gets her own personal time and a reduction in the parental load.
But, I repeat, I am not sure that today our Russian society is ready for the widespread spread of joint custody. And the point is not so much the lack of legislative norms and practices, but rather the unpreparedness of parents. Fathers, for the most part, do not strive for full communication with children from their ex-wives. Mothers are also not ready to give their children to their ex-husbands, including because they are not sure that they will be good fathers.
Therefore, in the near future, it makes sense to consider another option for the responsibility of a divorced father for raising children who remained with their mother.
Relationship with ex-husband
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Of course, a mother raising a child, especially if he is very young, is very busy and it is not so easy for her to find time to visit psychologists.
But believe me, these efforts are worth a lot, there is a chance that they will radically change your life. The time after a divorce from a husband is a time of rapprochement with both a small and an adult child. Like never before, you need to talk to him and explain everything honestly.
Tell him how you will live now, what will change, how his interaction with his father and relatives on his father’s side will be structured. If your ex-husband is ready to share responsibility for the upbringing and leisure of the child, try not to interfere with his meetings with him. After all, he is a parent just like you. He also has an interest in keeping the child safe. In addition, when the baby is with him, you will have such precious time for yourself, for your development, in order to simply relax in silence.
The better you build a relationship with your ex-husband, the more help you will get from him after the separation and the easier it will be for you to live. Over time, grievances will be forgotten, emotions will fade, and you will save your child’s father. And he needs it, he doesn’t even need to prove it.
After a divorce, even a small child often tries to take the position of an adult - to feel sorry for the mother, protect her and help her get through difficult times. Accept this with gratitude, but leave him his childhood, remind him that you care about the baby, and not vice versa. You will be happy and satisfied if your child performs duties appropriate to their age - study well, help around the house. Don't force your child to take sides.
