How to help a child survive their parents’ divorce: how children perceive divorce, parents’ mistakes, relationships with their ex-spouse and relationships with their stepfather. What to say and how to survive this event for a child: simple

Divorce through the eyes of children

Divorce isn't just stressful for adults. Children are the first to suffer. No matter what age a child is, the separation of mom and dad is painful and unpleasant for him. Even if there have been quarrels, silent alienation, or tense relationships between the spouses for a long time, the child will still experience the divorce as a personal tragedy.

Important: Children of different ages perceive their parents’ divorce in a certain way. In any case, the child will experience negative emotions. These are worries, resentment, anger, fear, loneliness, sadness.

The task of parents in this case is to think first of all about their children. But, as a rule, most often the child becomes a victim of divorce. Parents can not only stoop to sort things out in front of their child, but also involve him in their problems. For example, you can hear the following phrases: “She’s just like your father...”, “Everything like your mother...”, etc.

Such parental behavior can have a negative impact on the child’s psyche and life.

How children of different ages experience divorce:

From birth to 1.5 years . The child is not yet aware of what is happening. But he feels his parents' tension. Kids can react in response to the situation in the family. They may be capricious more than usual, cry for a long time, sleep little, and eat poorly. The child's mood may be bad. This behavior of a child can make already nervous parents even more nervous.
From 1.5 to 3 years . A child at this age takes the divorce of his parents very hard. He doesn’t yet understand logical arguments; he perceives everything through the prism of emotions. And since parents are the most important people for him, divorce is perceived as a catastrophe, the collapse of the whole world. Often children may consider themselves to blame for what happened. They think that they behaved badly, were not good enough, and because of this their parents divorced. Due to events in the family, children may experience setbacks in development. For example, a child may stop going to the potty, begin to speak poorly, may show apathy, be lethargic, taciturn, or, on the contrary, overly active.
From 3 to 6 years . The child is emotional and may take on the burden of what happened. And for a small person this load is very heavy. A child at this age may want to reconcile his parents. Unconsciously, the child connects somatic diseases. Often, against the backdrop of this event, children get sick, and parents again begin to take care of them together, just the two of them, as before. A preschooler may experience insomnia, anxious sleep, nightmares, fear of enclosed spaces, fear of loneliness and strangers against the background of strong experiences. What makes the situation worse is that many parents at this stage of their lives cannot devote too much time to their child, so he may be left alone with his experiences.
From 6 to 12 years old , teenagers. Adolescence is a very difficult time for an event like divorce. The child understands everything like an adult, but loves his parents equally. He may be afraid that he will never see his mother again if he stays with his father. The child begins to divide parents into “good” and “bad.” A child’s anger can be expressed in bad behavior, poor performance at school, rudeness in communication, or alienation from relatives. A child can do everything in defiance of his parents, trying to attract attention and make his parents think only about him.

We're talking about divorce

Why doesn't dad live with us?

Mothers try their best to protect their children from stress; they fear how their children will take the news of the divorce and begin to come up with stories called “Why doesn’t dad live with us?”

I would like to emphasize once again that children feel very precisely what their mother is going through, and the younger their age, the stronger this emotional connection.

Therefore, do not deceive children, do not make up stories. Just tell the truth!

Even if not all at once, in doses, based on the age and emotional characteristics of the child. But this way you will not lose your child’s trust, because he will feel that you are honest with him. He will feel: “Mom loves me, I can trust her” and vice versa - the child will lose trust in a person who constantly tells lies.

Parents' mistakes during divorce

Important: If parents decide to take such a responsible and serious step as divorce, they must do everything for the child’s inner peace and balance. First of all, both people need to avoid common mistakes.

Many people, unfortunately, make these mistakes.

Talk bad about mom/dad . It is easier for children to survive a divorce if their parents are both good in their perception. The child loves his parents equally; he perceives bad words addressed to one of them as a personal insult. If you constantly say that mom or dad is this and that, then the child may begin to consider himself bad too.
Take out resentment, anger, feelings on the child . It is clear that you are scared and upset about what happened. A lot in life will have to change, plus it’s hard mentally. But you shouldn’t take your grievances out on your child. Suffice it to say that it’s hard for you. Don't show your child your fear of the future. Children are afraid of everything unknown. If you feel confident, your child will be much calmer.
Forcing a child to choose one of the parents . This is stupid because the child loves both. This has already been said in the first paragraph. You should not “tear” the child into pieces and pull him to your side. This is unfair to the little person.
Deceive . Any lie towards a child is a deliberately failed step. The child feels that he is being deceived. Some mothers, when asked where dad is, prefer to lie to the child. For them, this is easier than telling the truth and explaining to the child for a long time the reasons for what happened. Many people come up with the idea that dad went on a business trip, flew into space, or went to sea for a long time. The truth will sooner or later be revealed, and this will be another blow to the child’s psyche. It’s better to talk frankly than to brush off your child’s questions.
Prevent the child from meeting with dad/mom . The desire to annoy your ex-spouse can be very strong, and a child can become a bargaining chip in this game. It is important to remember that the participation of the father/mother in the life of the child after a divorce should not disappear. Meetings are very important for a child.
Live for the sake of the child . Spouses who are on the verge of divorce sometimes decide in the end to save the marriage for the sake of the child. Yes, a child can have a hard time going through a divorce. However, life is much worse in a family where parents hate each other. The child will always feel guilty that the parents’ life is ruined. He will feel like he is to blame for what happened. Living in a family with incorrect values can cause a child to have difficulty building a happy family life in the future.
Demand from the child love for his stepfather/stepmother . If one of the former spouses arranges his personal life anew, he may begin to demand from the child love for the new “relative”. This also includes requests to call your stepfather dad. You should not force your child to do this; let him make his own choice. After all, the child already has a dad or mom; over time, he may have a desire to call your chosen one or chosen one that. But it should be his decision.

Mistakes of spouses during divorce

Patterns of parental relationships

There are 5 models of relationships between parents after divorce:

Great comrades. Former spouses are interested in each other's lives and communicate at least once a week. As a rule, they were friends before marriage and were able to remember only positive moments after it. Of course, communication with the child is unhindered. This is the best option for a child.
Collaborating colleagues. An average level of communication and interaction is typical. They can clearly separate marriage from parenthood.
Angry allies. Interaction at an average level, low communication skills. They are tense, formal in communication, and can resolve issues regarding raising children in a business-like manner. They do not know how to resolve conflicts constructively.
Ardent enemies. It is difficult to break dependence on each other (I love and hate). They communicate little, through the courts.
Broken duet. Absolutely no contact people. The child does not communicate with the departed parent.

The most favorable for the child are the first two types of parental relationships.

What to tell your child about divorce?

You should not hide from your child the fact that you have decided to get a divorce. If the child is at an age when you can talk to him about what happened, do not delay. But do your best to make the conversation go smoothly.

Many people advise choosing the right time to talk. It's hard to say what the right time is. But it's easy to tell which time is not right. Before the child goes to school, kindergarten, before going to a friend or grandma, before going to bed, before leaving for work. If you break the news and leave, part ways, the child will feel lonely.
It is advisable to share the news together with your ex-spouse. Psychologists believe that this allows you to maintain equal trust in mom and dad. This approach will allow the child to listen to two sides instead of one.
Don't sort things out between each other. It is important to clarify all the relationships between each other before talking with the child. So that in the process of telling the child the news, you do not start accusing each other of grievances and making complaints again.
Don't go into detail. You should not start agreeing on the details of the divorce or discussing financial issues in front of your child. This can confuse and upset the child.
Convince the child that he is not to blame. In the conversation, it is important to emphasize that the decision made is a relationship between adults. That the child is absolutely not to blame for the divorce, that mom and dad love him equally much, and this will not affect the love for him.
Speak in simple phrases. Don't overdramatize the situation. It is enough to simply tell the child that dad or mom will now live in another place. That the parents made this decision for the sake of peace and happiness of the whole family. Say that the child will now live both in his old house and can come to the new one. This event will not affect the child’s relationship and communication with his parents in any way.

Important: The child, of course, can ask many questions. And you need to answer them. But your answers should not cut the ground from under the child’s feet. On the contrary, your answers should reassure him and make him feel confident.

How to talk to your child about divorce?
How to answer children's questions about divorce:

"Why?" . This question will have to be heard in any case. Don't tell your child that you don't love each other anymore. Otherwise, the child may think that at one point you will stop loving him too. Instead, say that we cannot rejoice together anymore, we often quarrel and are sad, so it is better for us to live separately.
“I miss dad/mom!” . Mutual boredom is a completely normal feeling. When a child comes home to one of the parents, he begins to miss the other. This is fine. Talk to your child, hug him, offer to talk on the phone with a parent. There is no need to be offended by a child because he misses one of his parents.
“When will daddy come back?” The child is not always fully able to understand what happened. Therefore, he will think that everything will change, dad will return. Tell your child that dad will not return, because you have decided to live separately. But he (the child) can always go to visit him.

The child will ask questions about how the event will affect his life. For example, “Where will I sleep?”, “Will I go to kindergarten?”, “Where will the dog or cat go?” These questions are clear to you, but not to your child. After all, the situation is completely new and unusual for him; naturally, the child worries about how his future life will turn out. Try to answer your child’s questions patiently and clearly.

Is it necessary to save a marriage for the sake of a child?

No psychologist will give an answer to this question; moreover, he should not give it.
It all depends on the specific situation. The decision must be made by the spouses themselves, who are burdened by marriage, living together, in whose relationships there is no place for love, fidelity, or mutual understanding. And there are only quarrels and scandals. Some people believe that a child needs both a mother and a father (this, of course, is true). Therefore, not wanting to traumatize the child’s psyche, they continue to live together, though as complete strangers. Others decide to separate, but feel guilty for not being able to create an ideal family and depriving their child of a happy childhood.

Does all this mean that you need to make every effort to save your marriage? In general, yes, but with a significant amendment. It is important to understand whether the spouses can agree to start everything, if not from scratch, then from a cooling point, resolve all contradictions, show respect for each other, and eliminate scandals and constant quarrels.

If all the steps have been taken, the arguments have been used, and the improvement of the relationship has not led to the “gluing” of the marriage, most likely, divorce is inevitable. Therefore, spouses need to stop being tormented by feelings of guilt in front of the child. Living in an atmosphere of hatred for him is much worse than the separation of his parents.

How to help a child, preschooler, schoolchild, or teenager survive a divorce?

Important: Often, not only spouses, but also many relatives are drawn into the war after a divorce. All family members need to create a calm atmosphere for the child and stop making children victims of divorce.

How to help children of different ages during divorce:

For children, familiar surroundings and communication with loved ones are important. The very first thing you need to take care of is a clear routine. Divorce should not affect the child’s attendance at kindergarten, developmental clubs, or rest and wakefulness. For the sake of the child, parents should maintain friendly relations and sometimes meet together, organize group games, and trips to the park. Do not interfere with the child’s communication with the parent via Skype or telephone.
Children between 3 and 6 years old are most vulnerable during parental divorce. This age category needs increased attention. The routine and familiar environment are important - a bedtime story, a daytime walk, weekend trips to the playroom. Try to do what was before. If you can’t devote as much time as before, involve grandparents in the process, establish communication between the child and peers and friends. He should be distracted from his sad thoughts and have more fun, spend interesting leisure time. It is important that both parents pay equal attention to their child. It is necessary to create a meeting schedule and follow it. A child at that age needs to know that he will see his dad or mom again. At this age, a child can already perceive literature about divorce; it is worth reading special books yourself and introducing the child to them.
Trusting relationships with parents are very important for schoolchildren and teenagers. The way to survive divorce in the least painful way is through frequent, confidential conversations. It is important to win over your child and ensure that he can tell you about his fears and experiences. In response, you should reassure him, make him feel supported and loved. Explain the situation to your child so that he does not invent unnecessary things himself. Both parents should spend quality and interesting free time with their children. A meeting schedule is still required. Children find it easier to accept life when they know what to expect and when.

If parents do not want to harm their child, they should have conversations with grandparents. Often, in a fit of resentment, they can influence children and try to turn them against one of the parents. It is necessary to explain to your adult parents that the decision is a common one, and it should benefit everyone. Although this is only possible in those families who approached divorce consciously and amicably. They often get divorced with quarrels, resentments, and reluctance to build bridges afterwards.

How to help a child get through a divorce?

General recommendations for parents

Thus, it is possible to identify several supporting positions for parents to independently help their child overcome their divorce.

Report divorce together and in an age-appropriate manner.
Try not to lie.
Facilitate and encourage communication between the child and the departed parent.
Don't forget to devote time and attention to your child, and be interested in his personal life.
It is important for the parent with whom the children are left not to interfere with their growing up, not to be afraid of “losing” and not to strive to raise them to be dependent.
Try to minimize changes due to divorce. If possible, delay moving or changing educational institutions. Preserve your child’s hobbies and pets.
Do not try to involve your child in the divorce process, shift the responsibilities of the departed spouse onto him, or tell him your intimate experiences. Do not break the natural ties in the family. Before you say anything to your child, think: would you say this if there was no divorce, if your spouse were nearby? If not, then don’t talk now. Don't engage in "psychological incest"! Don’t say phrases like “we don’t need anyone, we have each other.”
Don't pit the child against the other parent. In this case, he loses both parents at once. And not because everyone believes in the worthlessness of the other (although sometimes he does), but because respect for you disappears.
Stubbornness is the most popular defensive reaction among children going through divorce. Apart from the fact of divorce, what is your child protected from? Always control your condition and behavior. Children feel and understand everything, but cannot always explain. And, of course, their behavior is always the result of your attitude and behavior.
Don't feel guilty towards your child and don't blame him. Maintain emotional contact, create a physically and emotionally safe atmosphere.
Hug, praise your child more often, tell him that you love him.
Try to maintain your child’s usual daily routine and routine.
Watch your health. What’s good for the child is good for you (do not think that this includes the illusory “goodness” of alcohol or a riotous lifestyle).
Be patient. Don't take it out on your child.
Allow him to fantasize about a family reunion, but don't feed those illusions.
Create a clear communication schedule with the visiting parent and always follow it. The child needs at least some kind of consistency and a clear guideline in this difficult situation. Regularity matters more than frequency.

“After a divorce, children should live with the parent who respects the former partner more in the children” - Bert Hellinger, German psychotherapist.

Recommendations for visiting parents

Accept new conditions.
Give your child more positive emotions than before.
Plan your day with your child in advance. Make the most of every day.
Come at the same time, regularly.
Don't miss the most important and meaningful days for your child, change your plans. You rarely see each other anyway. You should be there for significant events.
Do not be overly pliable, do not fall for the child’s manipulations. Don't go from authoritative parent to "genie."
Remember that communication is always more important than gifts. Don't pay off.
Be interested in your child's needs and hobbies.
Be supportive and supportive. The child should know that in a difficult situation he can always come to you.
If your child sees your relationship with your new family, try to be as correct as possible.
Don't demand love from your new family, but demand respect for your choice. If the child is still small, then it is better to simply avoid such meetings.

Interesting fact: half of fathers want to see their child at least once a week, but only 20% of mothers think this is possible. The majority are generally against meetings.

Some statistics on the topic: only 10% of fathers are ready to fully perform educational functions, 80% are bought off with gifts (alimony), 10% hide from their children.

New mom, new dad, or what then?

Separately, I would like to consider the issue of concluding new marriages or starting a new cohabitation. Sometimes this happens along with divorce. The reaction of children to their stepfather/stepmother depends on:

age and gender of the child;
family history;
relationship with the parent entering into marriage;
type of family upbringing.

Younger and older teenagers experience a new marriage worse, while early and preschool children experience it better. Younger teenagers perceive a new person as a competitor, preschoolers - as another competent adult, children of older adolescence - as the choice of their parent (tolerant). Girls cope worse than boys with a parent's new marriage.

It is necessary that the stepmother/stepfather does not try to take the role of the child’s natural parent. You need to try to take a separate place in the child’s life (senior comrade, friend, support).

Factors in which a child does not accept a new marriage:

aggravated divorce, parental mistakes, children's problems;
problems in the relationship between a child and a parent, a parent and a parent, a parent and his or her spouse’s new partner;
the reluctance of the new spouse to accept the whole family, and not just his partner;
adaptation of spouses to each other and new roles, changed family structure;
the birth of a common child (it is important not to express differences in the upbringing of a common child and children from the first marriage);
unfinished psychological divorce of parents.

The basis for a child’s acceptance of a new family member is a positive relationship between the child and the parent (it is important to successfully overcome the divorce), trust and mutual understanding, common interests, and joint activities. The task of the new family member is to find a common language with the child, but not to pretend to be a parent (not to expect the same attitude).

How to help a child when their parents divorce: simple tips

Below are tips and rules that can help you and your child at any age:

Protect your child's ears and eyes from your feelings about divorce. This is a matter for adults. Don’t discuss with your friends or relatives how hard it is for you, what a scoundrel your husband is, or anything like that. If you want to speak on this topic, do it without the child’s presence. Which, as a rule, is silent during such conversations, but hears everything and shakes it off.
Fill your child's leisure time . This does not mean that you need to start pampering him with new expensive toys and purchases. This way you can bring the child to the point where he begins to take advantage of the situation. You just need to try to spend free time with your child, play, walk, talk.
Do not interfere with communication with friends . An active life can benefit your child. He also needs to share his experiences with someone, forget about the stressful situation, and raise his self-esteem. At the same time, you need to keep your finger on the pulse and make sure that the child does not fall into bad company.
Don't say that your dad left you . Even if this is the case, you are gnawed by resentment, do not tell your child bad things about dad. This can seriously hurt the child. With age, children themselves will understand and draw the right conclusions.
Don't manipulate your child . Do not threaten to deprive him of meetings with dad if he is guilty or behaves incorrectly. This way you set a model of behavior. In the future, you yourself will face blackmail. Only an adult child will manipulate you.
If the baby is silent , does not ask any questions, and it seems to you that he is going through the divorce well, this may not be the case at all. Silent children are often forced to worry alone; it’s worth starting the conversation yourself.
Be patient with your child’s whims, possible anger, and not-so-good behavior. If necessary, explain to him long and patiently that he is still loved by both parents.
Read literature on the topic of divorce . Thanks to her, you will be able to find the right words and understand how best to explain to your child.

Important: When you see that the divorce has had a bad impact, the child has changed a lot, you should seek help from a psychologist. A specialist will help you get your child out of this state if you can’t cope on your own. But generally, if both parents are willing to keep the peace after the divorce for the sake of the children, everything should go smoothly.

Child and divorce

Relationship with ex-husband after divorce

It often happens that fathers after divorce do not pay child support or pay very small amounts. Of course, this approach hurts the mother, because the child needs to buy so many things and now everything falls on her shoulders.

Even if this happened, you should not involve your child in these topics. Even if you really want to do it. The phrases “dad forgot about you”, “dad doesn’t need you” traumatize the child even more than the fact of divorce.

Do not think that the child will always remain ignorant and not understand the true essence of things. The child will grow up and understand who took care of him and raised him. But at this stage, the baby is not to blame for the fact that dad turned out to be a dishonest person.

Important: Do not injure the child. Your goal now is to preserve the child’s fragile psyche.

It is much more difficult to improve relationships after a divorce from your ex-husband. If the father helps financially and shows a desire to participate in the child’s life, do not deprive the child of this communication. It is very important for a child when dad comes to his matinee, when he and dad make something together and play.

The role of the father in raising a child is great, whether it is a boy or a girl. Therefore, try not to interfere with the child’s communication with his dad, if he is not a drug addict, not an alcoholic, or an antisocial person. At the same time, do not get into arguments with your ex-husband in the presence of your child.

Communication between father and child after divorce

Epilogue

Divorce is a traumatic situation for a child. You cannot avoid shock, but you can help overcome it and minimize risks. The task of parents is to create emotionally, psychologically and physically comfortable conditions for the child. Surround with attention and love, but do not cultivate the image of a child.

In especially severe cases, consult a psychologist. Depending on the age, art therapy, fairytale therapy, games, symbols, and drama are used to help children overcome divorce.

A common and erroneous opinion of parents is that the child does not understand anything, and until school age one may not say anything at all about the impending divorce (or even the one that has taken place). Children begin to feel the tension long before the parents themselves realize the need for a divorce.

Please do not forget about the child during divorce. He didn’t make this decision, so at least give him the right to know the specifics of the current situation. And if possible, do not deprive him of his second parent. Protecting a child in a crisis situation, such as divorce, is an immediate parental responsibility. Remember that you are not just spouses, you are parents!

Can a stepfather replace a child's father?

The appearance of a new husband at the mother's house can awaken in the child the worries that he experienced during the divorce.

Some mothers believe that the “new dad” will now replace the child’s father. In fact, this is a big mistake; it is unacceptable to confuse the personality of the father with paternal functions. A stepfather can take on the functions of care and education, but this does not mean that you need to stop meeting and communicating with your own father.

You cannot demand from a child that he call his stepfather “dad” so that he loves him immediately and unconditionally. The child may not accept your choice; he needs time. Just as your new boyfriend won your heart, he should win your child's heart. Unfortunately, many men are not ready to establish contact with a child from a previous marriage.

But if the stepfather treats the child well, has wisdom and patience, he will be able to win him over. The natural father must also understand that in the life of his son or daughter there has appeared not a dear person, but a very significant one. At the same time, none of the child’s relatives should try to remove the past from their memory: the child’s own father was and will always be necessary.

Divorce is a difficult time for every family member. Try not to let the feeling of guilt consume you, and at the same time, do everything possible so that the child does not suffer. It is important that the child grows up as a happy and healthy person. Divorce often becomes a threshold on the path to good changes, never lose heart.