Advice from a psychologist: how to tell your child about their parents’ divorce and help them cope

Marriage is a complex union that does not always last. When people no longer understand each other and do not feel unity, the time comes for divorce. In the conflict that arises, there are two guilty parties, however, children often act as the third, which greatly affects the psyche. Children are frightened by divorce by understatement, misunderstanding, impending separation and fear of the unknown. To avoid such thoughts and minimize the devastating impact of divorce, it is important to tell them everything before strangers do.

Come together for a conversation

It is important to talk with the child together in order to focus his attention that the decision was made by both parents, and in the current situation there is no right or wrong.
Explain to your child that neither mom nor dad should be blamed for the divorce. At the same time, tell them that one of the parents will move out of the apartment, but will still be there to support them in difficult times. When you talk together, your baby feels more comfortable because he still has the feeling of being a complete family.
At the same time, it is important that spouses communicate respectfully not only with the child, but also with each other. Remember that you are having this conversation primarily for your son or daughter. It’s definitely not worth sorting things out and throwing mutual reproaches at such a difficult moment.

After divorce do children stay with their mother? Are children divided in a divorce?

Here you need to proceed from the factor: with whom the child is best. But our life is complex and ornate. And different circumstances are possible.

Psychologists advise: after a parent’s divorce, a child should stay with someone who is more positively disposed towards the other party.

Don’t put your child before a choice: who do you love more? Who would you like to live with?

Parents are old enough to soberly assess the situation and analyze for the future with whom the child will be more comfortable. If you give your child the opportunity to communicate with all close people the same way as before the divorce, it will be easier for him to come to terms with the situation.

Most often, a child up to 13-15 years old stays with his mother. This is explained by the fact that at this stage the mother is more involved in the child’s life.

Speak simply and concisely

Try to speak more simply, give examples that the child can understand. He should not have false hopes and a feeling of unsaidness. Therefore, there are no omissions.

You can say, for example, like this: “You noticed that your dad and I often quarreled. We decided that we would no longer live together. In a few weeks, dad will move from us to grandma. You will always be able to see him whenever you want, and you will spend every Saturday together. Mom and dad love you equally much, both will always be with you. This is not your fault."

If you can’t answer every question, then try to explain that everything will definitely be fine, and you can find a way out of every difficult situation together.

What is really important for a child to know about their parents’ divorce?

There is no need to come up with a beautiful and sad story to replace the one you don’t like. But the truth must be objective. The truth is not your truth. Your interpretation of what happened is subjective. Your son or daughter will be able to perceive your view of the situation adequately just when they grow up. In the meantime, it is important to talk about the facts, without interpretation.

Who is his biological father, where is he now? It doesn’t matter to a child whether his mother got pregnant by accident, whether his mother-in-law interfered with the couple’s relationship, whether his father took things out of the house to bet on a match, whether he cheated on his wife, whether he lay on the couch instead of working, or whether he was irresponsible. This is all important for a woman, this is what the mother sometimes wants to convey to her baby, and this is what she has in mind. But this is unnecessary information that has nothing to do with the child.

It is important for him to know whether he was abandoned or not. There should be a feeling that no, that he had nothing to do with it. Therefore, a simple and understandable general explanation will do: “Your dad and I didn’t like living together anymore, and we decided that we would live separately.” This explanation will be true for a civilized separation, for someone who has “fallen out of love,” and for an alcoholic or aggressor husband.

If you have never lived as a family: “We decided that we don’t want to live together and get married.” This explanation is suitable for accidental pregnancy and other situations.

Let me emphasize once again that you can also present your version to a child, but when he reaches the age of unquestioning faith in his parent, so as not to perceive it as the only correct one, when he can see the world with nuances and think critically, and not in the categories of “good - bad” .

What you can't talk about

To make the conversation as comfortable as possible for all participants, psychologists recommend not hiding the truth from the child, not exacerbating conflicts, and treating each other with respect. Follow a number of simple rules:

• In no case can you say that you no longer have warm feelings for each other. So the baby may think that you, too, will one day stop loving him and will be even more upset at the thought that he may be left completely alone.
• Protect your child from unpleasant details. It’s definitely not worth talking about betrayal and financial difficulties.
• One of the parents should not become a victim in your son or daughter’s mind, and the other should not become a tyrant, so do not talk about each other’s bad traits.
• Don’t ask who the baby is more attached to and don’t try to “buy” his love with sudden concessions in discipline and expensive gifts.

Age, gender and quantity matter

Divorces also occur in families with more than one child. How to break the news in this case?

Fifth advice: “A small age difference - together, a large one - separately, for kids - dosing information, and for teenagers - starting with reasons and prospects.”

Recommendations by age and gender:

• If the children have a significant age difference, it is better to tell them about the divorce separately. Moreover, children do not need to explain what divorce is at all. Just to inform you that mom and dad will now have to live separately, that this is necessary and there is no way to do without it. Of course, when the baby grows up, he will have to explain everything, but by then he will already get used to the fact that his parents live separately and will take it more calmly.
• With teenagers, everything is much more complicated - they are hot-tempered, emotional, touchy, they tend to cut from the shoulder and do stupid things in a fit of anger. Therefore, it is important to prepare the adult child for the essence of the conversation, starting with the reasons for the divorce and prospects for the family in the future. For example, you know that lately my mother and I have been arguing very often. We want to apologize to you for this. How great it would be if we again began to live in peace and tranquility, spend weekends without quarrels, together and in a good mood...

It is believed that girls are more vulnerable - this is not entirely true, because everything depends on the situation. Boys suffer no less when their parents divorce. This news should be conveyed by someone who understands the child more. Usually for girls it’s mom, for boys it’s dad, and it happens the other way around. The second parent is also present during the conversation and plays the role of silent support (hugs the child, strokes, calms, and so on).

The younger the children, the less details

Children under seven years old cannot immediately understand what happened ; the news reported by their parents simply baffles them. Often, after experiencing stress, preschool children have problems sleeping - they are tormented by insomnia or nightmares. The child may continue to fantasize that the parents will reunite and live together. Therefore, do not overload the conversation with details, explain everything clearly, briefly and simply.

Children after seven years begin to understand the situation better. They become more angry and offended, and often take the side of one of the parents. For your child to understand you, tell him about your emotions and feelings. Explain that this decision was difficult for both parents, that you understand his feelings and are also very upset.

The separation of mom and dad causes trauma at any age.

For teenagers, such news can also cause severe stress. Some will start crying and screaming at their parents, while others, on the contrary, will try to survive the psychological trauma on their own, closing in on themselves. Try to ask leading questions, casually leading the teenager into a frank conversation in order to listen to him and understand what is going on in the child’s soul.

Child against divorce: child’s opinion during and after divorce

Divorce and creating a new family after divorce are the responsibility of the adult, not the child. Do not try to shift this responsibility onto a small, emerging personality.

Only you assess the situation from the position of an adult and reasonable person.

Just as you independently decided to link your destiny with a person, you yourself decided to separate.

When, after a divorce, you decide to start a new family, do not give your child the opportunity to give or not give his consent to this. You should not hope that the baby will accept the new “dad” (“mom”) from the first moment. And you shouldn’t out loud position the new person as a replacement for the previous parent.

Explain to your child that he is loved and it is not his fault.

The main thing that your child must understand is that, regardless of the circumstances, both parents love him as much as before, and he is not to blame for what happened. Explain that the parents will no longer be husband and wife, but no matter what, they will remain loving parents - the divorce will not affect feelings for him in any way, the baby will always have two houses where they are waiting for him at any time.

The topic of divorce is not an easy one. It can be very difficult to prepare for a confidential conversation with a child. Try to support the child as much as possible at this moment. If you need help, do not be afraid to seek advice from friends who have successfully completed similar tests, or sign up for a consultation with a psychologist.

Relationships with children after divorce. Procedure for communicating with a child after divorce

We already said a little higher that it is important to allow the child to meet and spend time with family, as in normal life. Children do not communicate with their father (mother) after a divorce? The option “dad flew to the moon or around the world” will be softer than saying “your dad is not responsible and he doesn’t need you anymore.” All that the baby will learn from the second option is that he is bad, not as he should be, he is to blame for everything.

How frank and honest you will be with your child is entirely your responsibility. The child's minor age and immature psyche should stop us from using harsh words and accusations towards the other side.

Moreover, you need to praise the other side to the child. Indeed, very often, due to the fact that one side sets the child against the other, he begins to think that he should love only one (mom or dad). Otherwise he is a traitor. After all, dad (mom) does bad things to mom (dad). “We don’t live together anymore, but your dad is good, kind... and we both have you.”

Control over emotions

Divorce is always preceded by quarrels between spouses, a showdown in raised voices, and there are also hysterics, sobs and other extremely unpleasant scenes. At such moments, parents often forget that their child is watching all this, who reacts twice as sharply to every offensive word, who misunderstands a lot of what is said, but feels and lets through all the emotional and negative outbursts. He cries with his mother, freaks out with his father, he is scared and lonely. At such moments, children, especially those of younger preschool age, are on the verge of despair and suffer greatly.

The third piece of advice would be: “You need to control yourself, keep your emotions under control, and keep your mouth shut.”

If you can’t restrain yourself, then a sedative and grandmothers can help, to whom it is recommended to send your son or daughter for the time of sorting out the relationship and summing up the results. In extreme cases, gadgets can become a lifesaver - you need to go to different rooms (away from the child) and silently, with a smile on your face, express everything to each other in the form of messages.

Top tip

The ninth and most important piece of advice is: “A family is not a Lego set - once it’s broken, you can’t put it back together...”

Adults are also a little children, only their toys are different. In a fit of anger, being offended, misunderstanding or believing in something that actually does not exist, you can do a lot of stupid things. Therefore, you should not file for divorce rashly. And you shouldn’t threaten your other half with divorce just to hurt her more during a quarrel. What if he/she doesn’t understand that this is not serious and takes the threat literally?

Set aside time to talk with younger people. [↑]

If your children are very young or in elementary school, you should not start talking to them about divorce long before the expected date of separation. Young children have a different perception of time than adults and teenagers. For them, a week can seem like a month, and a month can feel like a year. Telling them about the divorce ahead of time risks increasing their anxiety that huge and confusing changes are coming to their lives.

Regardless of the age of the children, still, if possible, try not to postpone the conversation until the very last moment when you have to part.

Try telling them that you are soon going to live separately so that they have the opportunity to get used to this idea, ask questions that interest them, communicate with both parents and enjoy their attention. All this will be necessary preparation for further events.

About a week after the parents move away and live separately, you can talk to the kids about divorce.

Who is guilty?

The child will not ask about divorce on his own, because he will not be able to imagine that his mother and father will not live together. In his mind, the parents are inseparable, because the child has always seen them next to him from the very moment of his birth, and for him this position is a natural course of his life.

And just imagine that suddenly everything suddenly changes. The child’s first reaction to his father’s (or less commonly, his mother’s) leaving the family is guilt. He understands that he was abandoned, but does not know why, and often considers himself to blame for the separation of his parents, often carrying this complex throughout his entire life.

Sometimes, when one of the parents (usually the mother), through thoughtlessness, out of anger and resentment, sets the child against the other parent, the child, not knowing the true reason, blames everything on the one who left the family and thereby betrayed him, and mother. How to get a divorce correctly, listen to a lecture by a psychologist.

When to tell your child about a divorce

It is best to inform your child that mom and dad will not live together no later than three or at least two weeks before the divorce.
Usually, spouses in court are given time (especially if there is a child or even several children in the family) to think about their decision, weigh the pros and cons, reconcile or find a compromise in the relationship. But if there are a couple of weeks left before the appointed date, and the decision to divorce remains unchanged, then it is worth talking with the child frankly and giving him the opportunity to get used to the idea that a break between his mom and dad is inevitable. If at least one of the parents is not sure that the divorce will take place, and filing an application was only an act of intimidation and a way to reason with the spouse, then there is nothing to talk about with the child. This will only unwittingly scare the baby and hurt his psyche.

How to tell your child about divorce

In order not to traumatize the child’s psyche, loving parents need to adhere to some rules, which, according to psychologists, minimize the mental trauma caused by this message.

1. Under no circumstances should communication about a breakup come from just one parent. For the baby, both dad and mom are an authority, and therefore both of them should be present during such a serious conversation. Leave all mutual grievances and accusations for later and remember only the well-being and mental health of the child.
2. Children, no matter how many there are in the family and no matter what age they are, must understand that their parents will remain parents for them in any case and will not stop loving them and caring for them. Therefore, it is necessary to gather a family council and tell the news to all children at once. Moreover, say this in such a way that both kids and teenagers understand that their parents’ divorce will not in any way affect the attitude towards them and their children.
3. Don't give news casually. There is no need to do this while walking or when taking your child to kindergarten (school). The breakup is tragic for the parents themselves, but imagine how the baby will react to this news! At such a moment, you should not leave the child alone with his experiences and thoughts. Mom and dad should be with him for some time so that he can comprehend everything and survive the first feeling of fear and confusion.
4. Before telling your child about the event, choose a time when he will be in the mood to listen calmly. If your child is sick, doesn’t feel well, or is having some kind of trouble, reschedule the conversation for another time.
5. Be categorical in your decision to separate and do not give your child any reason to think that everything will work out and the parents will stay together. At the same time, do not forget to emphasize that everyone is still always ready to help him with personal problems and with lessons, that you will often spend your free time with him and, as before, love him and take care of him.
6. Calmly, without giving in to negative emotions, answer your child truthfully to all his questions. Let him know that mom and dad have no secrets from him. This will help him better cope with his experiences.

What a child needs to know about their parents' divorce

Yes, children will experience their parents' divorce.
They will ask questions, and mom (most often she) will have to answer them herself, especially if dad for some reason cannot or refuses to tell the child about the breakup. Then it is the mother who bears the responsibility - how and in what words she will tell the news to the child. But in any case, it would be correct to say that:

• now everything will be fine in their family, and mom and dad will no longer quarrel, because they will live in different apartments;
• although dad will live separately, he will still love his son (daughter), constantly see them and communicate;
• all relatives on the father’s side will still visit the child and relations with them will remain unchanged;
• he (the child) will have two homes where he is loved and where he is always welcome.

If mom or dad has started a serious relationship with another partner, then there is no need to hide this from the child, while emphasizing that the biological father or mother will always love him, despite the breakup. For an analysis of the divorce situation from the mother’s perspective, watch the video.

How a child might react to news of a divorce

There is no clear reaction from a child to the news of his parents’ divorce. How the child perceives the information depends on the parents themselves, their behavior and on the character and psyche of the child himself.

1. For some, usually preschool children, such news is stress, which is accompanied by insomnia, nightmares and enuresis.
2. Younger schoolchildren often instill in themselves the idea that their parents will someday make peace. Children live with this false hope for some time and become very upset when this does not happen. Therefore, it is worth talking to them more often about the topic of “non-return” and explaining the reason in order to carefully deprive them of these illusions.
3. Older children (8-12 years old) are often angry with their parents or one of them, because they previously lived in a two-parent family and are attached to both parents.
4. For teenagers, divorce symbolizes the collapse of their stable world existence and sometimes traumatizes their psyche even more than if they were three years old.

Hysterics, tears, disobedience, teenage rebellion, rudeness, ignoring parents - children's reactions to divorce vary. Therefore, parents need to be especially sensitive to their children during this period.

What not to do and say in a divorce situation

It will not be possible to get a divorce completely painlessly, but in order not to aggravate the situation and further traumatize the child, during the divorce period parents should not:

• loudly sort things out in the presence of children;
• blame each other for the breakdown of the family and unwillingness to raise a child together;
• do not devalue each other’s role as parents in the eyes of the child and do not criticize your partner’s behavior in front of the children, no matter how terrible it may be;
• tell the child about the reason for the divorce and involve him in the confrontation between the parents;
• manipulate a child’s attachment to dad or mom and turn him against his spouse;
• lying to the child and telling fictitious stories about the reasons for the divorce. Children will grow up and still learn the truth.

How to help your child get through divorce

The first thing couples with children need to remember when divorcing is to remain calm and correct when communicating with the child. No matter how old he is, he still will not remain indifferent to the fact that he will now have to live with only one of his parents. To minimize stress in the baby and not cause resentment and anger in the teenager, both parents need to:

• in any situation, make it clear to the child that you are always ready to listen to him and help him;
• try to maintain smooth (even if not friendly) relations with each other and not show your anger and resentment toward each other in front of the children;
• be honest with the child, but restrain your negative feedback and emotions towards your spouse in front of him in his absence or when communicating with him on the phone;
• always answer the child’s questions, no matter how provocative they may seem;
• do not accuse your spouse of betrayal, do not tell your child that “he (she) left us” or “he (she) does not love us.” The child perceives such statements very painfully.

A child should never be prohibited from communicating with a spouse who has left the family or with his relatives. On the contrary, one must strive to show that the severance of the marital relationship does not affect the child’s family ties.

How to help kids cope with stress

You shouldn’t think that if your child is 3 years old, he doesn’t understand the whole divorce situation. Yes, you can’t just explain to little children why dad suddenly stopped coming home from work every evening. Therefore, they need to be prepared for such a situation in advance.

1. Talk to your child about how he feels about his parents' arguments. Let him express his opinion and his feelings.
2. Try to convince your child that dad will do the right thing if he lives separately. Then he and his mother will not quarrel, and everything will be fine in the house.
3. Tell him that daddy still loves his baby and will often come to him or take him to visit him.
4. Tell your child a fairy tale or story in which a similar situation occurs, but the parents remain the same loving father and mother for their children.
5. Fantasize with your baby about how he sees his life together with his mother.

Yes, the parents are to blame before the child for not being able to save their marriage and raise him in a full-fledged family. But this is not the only fault, but rather, a life and pedagogical mistake that adults make. We must understand and accept the fact that no one is perfect in their actions. Although this acceptance should not mean that you need to treat divorce as a normal occurrence in your life. And even more so as normal for a child.

How to help children cope with divorce

To prevent a child from experiencing psychological trauma, he needs help. Recommendations for parental behavior:

• convey the information that mom and dad love their baby and will always be family for him;
• communicate about childhood experiences;
• do not try to constantly entertain - the baby should be sad from time to time;
• for a short period, reduce demands in everyday life and study;
• ensure constant communication with the spouse who left;
• warn teachers or educators about the situation;
• preserve the traditions established in the family.

Divorce is a difficult time for adults and younger family members. Preparing for open communication can be very difficult. A man and a woman need to provide maximum support to their children, then it will be easier for everyone to endure the breakup.