The decision to separate from your spouse is not an easy one to make. But it’s even more difficult to find the words to tell your marriage partner about this. Before telling her husband about the upcoming divorce, it would not hurt a woman to get acquainted with the advice of psychologists on this matter, which will allow her to avoid unnecessary mistakes.
Choose the right call time
A poorly chosen conversation time can affect the outcome of the conversation. All advice from psychologists can be divided into two main groups, depending on the goal:
- If you are thinking about how to make the conversation comfortable for your spouse, then start the conversation when there are no additional difficulties in his life. Health or work problems are serious reasons to postpone discussion of a decision you have made, which could injure your partner.
Start the conversation on Saturday or Sunday - this will give you more time to discuss details. The husband will have time to get used to the new state of affairs and come to his senses before the start of the work week.
- If personal peace comes first, then start the conversation in a public place - a café is a good choice, the atmosphere of which is relaxing and puts you in a peaceful mood. Showing open emotions in public is much more difficult than at home, where you can insult your spouse or even raise your hand to her in a fit of rage.
The ideal time in this case is a lunch break on a weekday.
It is impossible to sort things out in front of children, so as not to cause them psychological trauma. It is better to tell the kids after making a decision, having prepared together with your spouse and having previously discussed all the details with him.
Tips on how to tell your child about divorce.
Cons after divorce
Divorce is, to put it mildly, an unpleasant process. Often these are unfulfilled expectations, collapsed dreams, betrayal. Being in an unhappy marriage, many couples think only about the immediate benefits that await them after a divorce, without considering the downsides. Sometimes wives dream of separation, but do not know how to tell their husbands about the divorce.
One of the main disadvantages of divorce is the impact on children. Who will they end up with? In what format will further communication take place? Parental separation can cause enormous psychological trauma. Finding the right approach in such a situation and explaining to children that this is not their fault, that mom and dad have not stopped loving them, can be extremely difficult.
Divorce entails division of property. Dividing “common property” is always difficult, especially if the parties do not want to give in to each other, and heated disputes take place over literally every item.
READ The main reasons for divorce in Russia: what psychologists say
When entering family life, a woman sacrifices her professional career. When a baby is born, the only job of a young mother is to care for and raise him. After parting with a spouse, many worries, including financial ones, fall on fragile women’s shoulders. How to provide for yourself and your child? It’s good if the ex-husband is decent and will regularly pay alimony.
Relationships collapse, but emotional and psychological attachment to family and spouse remains. There may be a feeling of uselessness and depression. It seems that life has collapsed. How to fill the emptiness and loneliness? To understand yourself, you will need time and support from loved ones.
Test the waters
If your husband has no idea about the decision you have made, then try to find out his attitude first. You can do this in simple ways:
- Tell your spouse the real or fictional story of your friends' divorce. The example should begin tragically, but let the ending be happy. Look at your partner's reaction, find out his opinion.
- If you know of couples from his circle who have experienced a breakup, then ask your husband how things are going with the ex-lovers. His attitude and the overall tone of the story will give you invaluable information about his partner's attitude towards similar situations.
Prepare for the conversation
Gather your thoughts - write down everything you want to discuss on a piece of paper in advance to feel more confident and clearly express your thoughts. During the conversation, you will be nervous, so you will probably start to get lost and confused.
A pre-written text will help you continue the conversation regardless of your emotional state. Practice in front of a mirror if you are not confident in your abilities. You can pre-register for a consultation with a psychologist. A specialist will help you compose a text that is suitable for your case.
How to break up with a married lover?
Breaking up with a married lover
It happens that girls get involved with married people and then don’t know how to break up correctly. Sooner or later, every woman thinks about this. Psychologists immediately say that the partner will not want to lose the bonus in the form of an additional woman, and therefore will try in every possible way to stop it.
You can break up with a married man in several ways:
- Push away with your behavior . Men get used to the fact that their mistress is not like their wife. She is always affectionate and friendly. So now is the time to show character - to be capricious, angry, offended. Ask for gifts, attention. This works especially well with choleric people, because they quickly abandon those they dislike.
- Move away yourself . This method is suitable for phlegmatic people. They go with the flow and don't fight for relationships. Just cool off towards him, chalk it all up to being busy, try to see each other less often. A man without initiative will accept any of your choices, and therefore you should not be afraid.
- Be honest . Talk directly about breaking up if the man is sanguine. Usually this is a rational person and makes adequately logical decisions. Tell him straight to his face that you are tired of this kind of relationship. If you are afraid to speak in person, then write a letter. Just keep in mind that everything must be done confidently and decisively.
- Play on guilt . This method is ideal for calm girls who are afraid of disturbing their peace of mind. Every time, show how depressed and upset you are. Say that it’s hard for you to be a mistress and how much you want to become a wife. For a melancholic person, this method is simply ideal, because he is sensitive to other people's emotions.
- Regardless of how you break up, be confident in yourself . If a man sees even a little doubt, he will do his best to hold on and take advantage of the moment.
Of course, getting over a breakup is not as easy as it seems, but in any case, you shouldn’t dwell on it. Yes, you will be hurt, but you will survive this moment. Be sure to talk to someone, do what you love, and walk more. Try to distract yourself from bad thoughts and over time it will all pass.
Get started without long introductions
Sometimes women want to soften the blow of divorce in a strange way - they come up with long and ornate texts.
But in essence it turns out awkwardly, and the conversation may end in a quarrel in which you never get to the main point. Another difficulty is that during the process you will change your mind because you will get scared and want to postpone the serious conversation for another day. So don’t delay or test your spouse’s patience - just talk about the main purpose of the conversation, and then give your reasons why you decided this way. Be prepared for difficult questions, emotional attacks directed at you, and aggression. The reaction can be the most unexpected. Control yourself and do not respond to requests for another chance to save the relationship.
Children's reaction
Children experience:
- fear
- alarm
- hatred
- offense
- guilt
- pity for an abandoned parent
- aggression towards his offender, try to stabilize the family system with their actions, conversations, persuasion, tears, demonstrative blackmail behavior (this can be especially pronounced in adolescents: running away from home, drinking alcohol, becoming computer addicted, self-harm)
And here it is important to be close! Convey your love to your child through words and actions.
Be prepared for questions
After you talk about your decision, your spouse will start asking questions.
The most popular of them:
- When was the decision to separate made? Explain that you thought about everything in advance, this is not a momentary desire caused by conflicts, but a solution to long-standing problems. Point out that you have been carrying it for a long time, that it is not easy for you to talk about this. Do not shift the blame onto your partner's shoulders and do not insult him in any way.
- Is it about the lover? If you really started an affair on the side, then it is better not to admit it during the first conversation - psychologists recommend. A man's reaction to such news can be unpredictable.
- What is the reason for divorce? Clearly present all the reasons that prompted you to make a difficult decision, explain your position to your husband. You can explain that you don’t get along in character, you are tired of living in constant stress and tension, because soap operas in life with a stormy showdown do not bring joy. If the reason is because of his revealed infidelities or because of distrust of his partner, then explain that to him.
The easiest way is to accept that the wife is simply tired of resolving everyday issues in marriage; this does not sound as offensive as other reasons.
Why do people disagree?
In the modern world, divorce will not surprise anyone for a long time. Another thing is for couples who celebrated their silver wedding. I wonder what their secret is? After all, even families that have lived together for decades fall apart.
READ What should a child do if his parents are getting divorced?
Each love union is a separate world, understandable only to two. Problems that lead to disagreements in one family may not exist in another. However, there are several main reasons why people disagree:
- Infidelity. The main reason for all divorces in the vast majority of families. This is the worst betrayal a marriage can face. It is extremely difficult to accept the betrayal of a loved one. Even if he is forgiven, nothing remains of the previous trusting and warm relationship.
- Jealousy. Does being jealous mean loving? No matter how it is! And is it necessary to have a relationship in which there is no trust? Jealousy is not an accurate indicator of love, but rather a sense of ownership. In both small and large doses, it is detrimental to relationships. Destroys them day after day, like water wears away a stone. Checks, surveillance, reproaches, reading correspondence on the phone and social networks - this is not a complete list of what jealous people torment their other halves with. As a result, living together becomes simply unbearable.
- Birth of children. The birth of a child is the most joyful and long-awaited event in every family. Future parents prepare with trepidation and excitement for the birth of their baby. Often they have no idea how much their life will change. However, these changes do not always have a positive effect on the relationship between spouses. They see a monotonous family life, and the romance disappears. The young mother devotes all her time to the baby; from fatigue and being at home, she becomes irritable and depressed. The husband feels deprived of attention and does not offer his help. Parting cannot be avoided if you do not sit down at the negotiating table in time and find a compromise in order to try to make the relationship comfortable for both spouses.
- Incompatibility of characters. People just get to know each other better. The first love passes, and the rose-colored glasses break inwards. Partners may regretfully realize that they do not agree on priorities, life values, or lifestyle.
- Sexual dissatisfaction. Harmony in the intimate sphere is the key to a happy family life. But it also happens that over time, partners discover that they have different temperaments. For example, my wife often has a “headache.” This, by the way, is where betrayal begins.
As a rule, at the start of a relationship, none of the partners thinks about the fact that they will have to separate in the future. And if such a thought does arise, it is driven away. Who wants to think about sad things if now lovers don’t have enough hours in the day to enjoy each other? But life shows that today the relationship is full of love and mutual understanding, and tomorrow the couple is on the verge of separation.
READ How not to divorce your wife: practical tips for saving relationships
Prepare in advance for what will happen after the conversation
It is important to understand that conversation is only the first step in the divorce process. You have a long way to go, dividing property, agreeing on raising joint children and settling all related issues.
Therefore, start the conversation when you already have ready-made solutions that you can unobtrusively offer during the discussion. Gather the necessary documents in advance. A man’s reaction can be unpredictable, for example, he will hide the papers to stop you, but without a marriage certificate it is useless to go to the registry office.
Collect everything you need in advance, make copies of documents and give them to relatives for safekeeping.
Change passwords on social networks and on bank cards and set aside in advance the amount necessary for living for the first time. If your spouse previously provided for you, then find a job or another source of income. You should not leave without imagining how you will live in the future and rely only on the support and help of loved ones.
Do not involve third parties in the conversation
One more thing - talking about divorce concerns only spouses. Under no circumstances should you invite close relatives or friends to a meeting for support, this will only offend your man more.
Preparing in advance will make the conversation about divorce more comfortable for both of you. If you use the tips above, you will feel much more confident during difficult conversations. The main thing is to start the discussion at a moment when you are sure that there are no other options other than breaking up.
Specialist help
If your husband is having a hard time with the upcoming divorce, it makes sense to talk to a professional psychologist. It is better if it is a man, since representatives of the stronger sex understand each other well and will easily find a common language. It is recommended that you come to the consultation together, answer a few general questions, and then leave your spouse alone with the specialist. The psychologist, using professional techniques, will explain to the man that divorce is not the end of life, but the beginning of a new stage. Usually. After several conversations with a specialist, the spouse comes to terms with the situation and begins to think positively .
The help of a psychologist in such cases is much more effective than support from family and friends, since the specialist assesses the situation from the outside, without giving preference to anyone. If the advice of a specialist does not help, and the husband falls into long-term depression, it makes sense to consult a psychiatrist, since divorce often provokes neuropsychiatric disorders. Also, the help of a psychiatrist is necessary if the husband, having received news of the divorce, falls into a long binge caused by stress.
If a spouse deliberately pretends to be sick or “heartbroken” so that his wife will pay attention to him and postpone the divorce, you need to immediately understand: this trick will not work.
Divorce is always stressful for both the wife and the husband . If a divorce occurs on the wife’s initiative, this deals a severe blow to a man’s pride. Therefore, before informing your spouse about the divorce, you need to know that: the reaction to unexpected news can be unpredictable. Without preliminary preparation of the other half, everything can end in severe stress for both the husband and wife. If you tell your spouse the unpleasant news in a timely manner and do it correctly, the divorce will be easy and painless for both.
