You shouldn't go back to your ex. 5 main reasons why.

People often find themselves in situations where their relationships with loved ones fall apart. If this decision was not mutual, and the breakup itself occurred under the influence of emotions and dissatisfaction, then in such cases the separation leads to attempts by at least one of the partners to return the relationship.

If in this case both partners want a return, then their reunification can lead to positive results. But if one of the partners wants to return to the old relationship, and the other agrees to his proposal only over time, out of boredom or loneliness, this often leads to disastrous consequences.

What could be the danger of returning to a past relationship when only one of the former partners actually wants it? As they say, “you can’t mend a broken cup,” and if you do, it will no longer be possible to drink from it. But this does not stop a person who loves and wants to be close to his loved one.

When not to reconnect

Why can't you go back to your ex? Psychologists say that in some cases it is not worth renewing relationships. You should not return if the relationship broke down for the following reasons:

Alcohol or drug addiction. It destroys many married couples. If a person was unable to solve this problem during a relationship, then he cannot do without turning to doctors. This will continue to happen in the future. Dependent people can promise, take oaths, and lie. But in the end everything will be the same as before. When temptation arises, they will follow their weakness.
If the partner’s character type is a tyrant, then, once in a normal and familiar environment, he will again return to violence. At first, he can control himself, but in the mind of such a person the attitude is formulated that he can offend those who are weaker, namely beat, insult, humiliate.
Creating relationships with several partners at once, as well as constant infidelity. This is typical for people who like this position, the feeling of being needed, and they have little concern about causing pain to women. Such a person often has low self-esteem. Many women look for the problem of such behavior of a man in themselves, but in order to create a normal relationship it would be better to refuse such a partner. After breaking up, even if the man begs a lot, don’t go back to your ex!

Women who have children from previous partners find it much more difficult to create a relationship with a new man. Since they are looking not only for a spouse for themselves, but also for a benevolent friend for their children. If a man does not immediately accept the children and treat them in a friendly manner, demanding that he be given more attention and care, the child will worry. The situation becomes more complicated if they have common children. Negative treatment of a woman's children indicates that she is not loved. Since it is rare for a woman to take the side of her partner, knowing that her child is suffering, constant scandals may begin, and children will feel inconvenienced.
When meeting and developing a relationship with a better partner, do not go back to your ex. Even if he insists. After all, pity and shared memories are not a reason to destroy a new relationship by returning to past love.

Why do men leave

As a rule, there is no smoke without fire, so husbands do not just break up with their wives. Psychologists identify 7 main reasons why representatives of the stronger sex decide to leave the family nest:

The wife stopped being interesting as a woman. Men by nature are hunters, and if the object of desire comes into the hands and does not resist, then the excitement disappears. Usually women devote themselves entirely to everyday life, replacing erotic lingerie with a shapeless nightie.
Dissatisfaction with sex life, which is more important to men than to women. It is important for a spouse to feel like an alpha male, which is completely impossible next to a cold wife who finds a lot of reasons to refuse sex.
The wife constantly nags, and next to her the other half feels like a loser. Such a woman cannot be pleased; she is always dissatisfied with everything, while it is extremely important for men to hear praise.
Did not get along. This is a fairly common reason given during divorce. This also includes different values and worldviews.
Wife's infidelity. Such an act on the part of the woman he loves can completely kill a man’s pride.
I fell in love with another woman. It is interesting to note that the indecisive partner will live with his family, and leave his new lover in the role of mistress. A mature and responsible man will confess everything to his wife and leave her.

Other relationship options you shouldn't return to

Another mistake in a woman’s behavior is the desire to do everything for her partner, without demanding anything in return. Over time, such actions are taken for granted, and all the actions and attempts of a woman to defend her interests are not taken seriously. Subsequently, if a girl begins to act differently, claims, criticism, disrespect appear, and it will be impossible to convince a man to treat her with love and gratitude. And she herself is to blame for this.

Relationships that are built on habit, respect and fear of loneliness are not sustainable, and there is a huge risk of their disintegration if a new romantic interest arises. After all, without love, the partner’s shortcomings seem more critical, and there is no pleasure from the relationship. And the cause of the problem was only the fear of loneliness. Do not return to former partners who did not make an attempt to change everything, but simply asked for it, deciding that they could behave as before.

Why do exes come back?

According to psychologists, every fourth man wants to return to his ex-wife. What motivates them:

Often the male sex wants to return to its former comfort . He is used to the fact that the house is cozy, his chosen one takes care of him, irons his shirts, prepares his favorite dishes, takes care of paying for utilities, etc. Having been a free man for some time and realizing that it is difficult to live alone, he makes an attempt to return there where it was good and comfortable. From this point of view, the partner is not so bad, and the demands are not as high as it seemed before;
If the reason for the divorce was a mistress, then parting with a homewrecker could be a push to reunite with your wife . I walked around, tried to live with another woman, became disappointed and realized that I was too hasty in my decision to get a divorce;
It happens that the ex-husband cannot survive the separation: he is overcome by melancholy and blues. The longer a married couple has lived under the same roof, the more they have in common, including family traditions and memories. After a divorce process, it is more difficult for men to start life from scratch, especially if the man is over 45 years old, since he spent most of his life next to one woman. Emotional attachment to children and his chosen one will attract him back;
If a lover leaves from time to time and returns again, then this behavior is a kind of rest before new adventures. In this case there is no talk of love. For him, the family is a transit point where he can preen his feathers.

Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

When should you reconnect?

Should you get back to your ex? Let's figure it out now. It’s worth renewing a relationship if:

There have been changes for the better in the character of the husband or wife.
The partners still have feelings for each other, they suffer and want to be together. In this case, you should discuss all the nuances of the new relationship, rules and actions. Then weigh the pros and cons. And in the future keep all promises.
In addition to changes and feelings, there are common children, dreams, business.

Advice from a psychologist + Video

Even experienced psychologists cannot give a definite answer to this question. It is extremely difficult to establish relationships after separation, but if ex-spouses are ready to forgive and accept each other, they still experience feelings, reunification is quite possible.

How to return to the husband you left?
Experienced experts recommend:

be a friend to your lover;
discuss what is important to you;
spend more time with your loved one;
maintain family traditions by involving children;
get rid of bad habits;
prevent situations that lead to scandals and quarrels;
make your chosen one fall in love with you again;
remember your common dreams and try to make them come true;
work on yourself, develop;
ask friends for advice and help;
get rid of shortcomings and complexes;
do not use tears, stinging or blackmail;
do not remember past grievances;
do not speak badly about your chosen one in front of relatives and friends.

Take the test and find out what your chances are of getting your husband back

Every person can make a mistake. There are no hopeless situations or problems that cannot be solved. Give your chosen one a chance. If there is love in a relationship, then you can always return harmony and peace to the family.

How to renew a relationship correctly?

Before reconciliation, it is necessary to talk about each other’s shortcomings, but without accusations or insults. We should talk about experiences that arise in certain circumstances. During reconciliation, partners already know about each other’s tastes. Therefore, there is no need to show your best side. After all, many men, having been bachelors, begin to appreciate a woman’s work more during their separation.

You should understand your feelings and thoughts in order to understand whether it is necessary to live with such a person, whether you still have the same feelings for him. First of all, you need to understand what you can do so as not to repeat previous mistakes. The fact that a person has changed for the better can be noticed immediately. However, you should not reproach a person, criticize him, or gloat, because a change in character and attitude towards each other does not happen without mistakes and in one day.

Is it worth returning to your ex-partner if the children ask for it and want the parents to be together? If the spouses have not changed for the better, then they should not.

Should I accept it or not?

When reunion is impossible

There are three factors under which the relationship should never be restored:

If a woman is driven by fear of loneliness. Often, it is because of this that she resumes contact with her ex. The fear of being alone is so strong that she forgets about all the insults and disrespectful behavior on his part. But soon the spouse’s behavior will manifest itself again and the relationship will be ruined again.
If the cause of the gap is not eliminated. For example, if the ex-husband was a heavy drinker, never missed a single skirt, was addicted to gambling and continues to do so, then it is foolish for a representative of the fair sex to hope that everything will change after the reunion.
If the reason for keeping the family together is children. Living with a disgusted person for the sake of their children is the worst thing parents who can’t bear to live together can do.

Right to a second chance

Often, a breakup has a positive effect on the spouses; after reconciliation, the partners begin a new, improved family life. If you both realize you made a mistake, it makes sense to try to get back together.

In this case, proof of the seriousness of the intentions of each partner will be their actions aimed at getting rid of the problem that caused the divorce. For example, if the head of the family disappeared for days at work, which his wife did not like, then the sincerity of his desire will be proven by a change of workplace. If he drank alcohol regularly, he will visit a doctor, etc.

A good sign is maintaining friendly relations after the divorce. It is likely that positive communication helped to look at each other with new eyes, draw appropriate conclusions, and understand your chosen one.

Put an end to the past!

Very often people start new relationships too early, without yet letting go of the past. In this case, a feeling of irritation and dissatisfaction with life arises, which negatively affects health. And in order for a new relationship to develop and not turn into a boring relationship, you should let go of the past: forgive the person you broke up with, thinking about new relationships and a bright future.

You should not commit yourself to creating new relationships if the old ones have not yet ended. You need to forget about your past partner and start a new life, attend parties more often, dress up, and receive compliments. This is much more pleasant than constantly holding grudges to yourself; you shouldn’t focus on your problems. You should thank your ex in your heart, telling yourself that life is moving forward and the future will be much better. Of course, this will not happen immediately, but the process of liberation from the past will begin faster.

Leave to come back

Dates, fiery nights, moving in with him or you, buying furniture and cute trinkets, grandiose plans - at first everything was wonderful. And then something went wrong. All he did was work, and you were in his second place, or he unequivocally glanced at your girlfriend, or he constantly wanted to reshape you to fit his ideas of what a “real” woman should be.

At some point, you began to notice all sorts of little things that terribly annoyed you - like open toothpaste, which ultimately became the last straw. In a word, one day you realized that you couldn’t continue to live like this, invited him to “stay friends” and breathed a sigh of relief, going in search of a more suitable option.

But time passes, and all the men on your way find themselves hopelessly married, not ready for a serious relationship, or with a dozen other “buts.” And more and more often you remember how much good there was in your past relationship with your ex-man. You were so suitable for each other!.. And the reason for the separation was erased from memory: that’s how our psyche works - we simply repress unpleasant memories so as not to traumatize ourselves again.

Succumbing to these illusions, you called him. He thought about you too! And here you are again together! Feelings flared up with renewed vigor, as if you were at home after a long, tiring journey. Everything in your relationship is so familiar and cozy, and you are in a hurry to brush aside the clouds that sometimes cross the sun of your happiness. Only after a while do you notice that the cloud appears more and more often, and your man behaves abruptly, irritably and as if deliberately bringing you to tears.

And all because you cannot step into the same river twice - very often in “old” relationships, tailored in a new way, there are many unspoken grievances hidden. Put yourself in your partner’s shoes: you’ve already left him once and hurt his male ego. And then you come back: what a wonderful opportunity to “get revenge” on you! It is possible that he does this unconsciously and even a little ahead of events - what if you decide to repeat this trick and leave him again?

By the way, most likely you will do just that. People don't change, and the reasons you decided to leave the relationship still remain.

If you want your husband back so that your children can have a father.

Tip #9. Give up this intention: children are only good if their parents are happy. Your marital relationship left much to be desired, but do you feel more comfortable in a divorce? There is no point in returning your spouse.

Tip #10. Relationships with your ex-husband may be poisoned by past grievances: think about whether you can forgive and forget all the mistakes of the past.

Tip #11. A bad husband can become a good friend: try to renew the relationship in new roles, maybe this will be the best solution.

Tip #12. Refuse to “spy” on your ex-husband: do not look at his page on social networks and do not interrogate mutual friends, no matter how difficult it may be.

A story from life. I want to return to my ex-husband

I realized that he is my only beloved, dear person.

I don’t even want to look at anyone else, everyone just irritates me. But I don’t want to go back to the old way. At first he tried to persuade me to return, but now he doesn’t. But this is good, now I would not be able to withstand the persuasion and give up. And I’m sure that as soon as they return to me, everything will go as before. Again, a little time will pass, and for me this relationship will become a burden, I don’t want to live like that.

Now time has passed, all grievances have been forgotten, only warm moments remain in memory. Maybe it's not him that I miss, but my feelings. I don’t even know what to do, some completely stupid situation, without him it’s bad, with him it’s even worse.

I achieved such a victory over myself, I felt bad - I left. Is it really to go back? Maybe we should have forgotten everything a long time ago and thrown all this nonsense out of our heads? Or maybe it’s just me who is finding fault with everything. Maybe it was my fate and I lost him?

Psychologist's advice

This is a very difficult period when you will relive all the feelings that you had during seven years of marriage - love, hatred, resentment, relief, irritation, warmth, joy and much, much more... The range of these feelings is very wide, and from a psychological point of view this is completely normal. Because only a few months have passed since your separation. And emotional divorce after a long relationship lasts much longer - about two years.

Time must pass before all these feelings subside, are forgotten and give way to others.

Now the place near you is completely occupied by these feelings and memories. And it’s quite natural that you don’t want to look at anyone else. There is only one thing on my mind: I want to return to my ex-husband. Don’t rush yourself, the process is long and painful, you have to get over the breakup.

Your hesitation is also quite natural - you had a loved one for seven years, you were not alone. Although you were not free and it burdened you. Now you have received this freedom, but you still don’t really know what to do with it... You’ve lost the habit... Somewhere it even scares you...

It’s familiar to be with him, here you know everything, all the paths have already been walked. And if you step on a rake, it’s on your own, familiar and familiar ones. And here... everything is new, unusual... Scary... Don’t rush yourself, you need time to part, say goodbye.

If you find it difficult to go through all this alone, contact a psychologist. Several meetings will help you strengthen your decision and move forward along your life path without doubt or fear.

How to deal with pain after divorce

You should not suppress pain in yourself at the initial stage; this can become a problem in subsequent relationships with the opposite sex. Do not try to immediately overcome disappointment; first you should “burn off” and then you will be able to fully recover psychologically.

Analyze your inner experiences. Remember everything that brought you pain and joy in this relationship. Replaying memories promotes emotional release. If you keep your emotions inside and don’t let them come out, you will become attached to the situation.

Then you need to eradicate thoughts about the person who betrayed you. If you constantly think and remember him, you will not be able to suppress your feelings for him. That is why we should forget not the person himself, but about the feelings. First you need to minimize the importance of the problem. If you keep it in your head, it will take control of your consciousness.

When thoughts about feelings for your ex-spouse come to your mind, you need to immediately distract yourself with some interesting activity. It's time to explore your talents in different industries that you didn't have time for before. Every day should be varied, then new emotions will overwhelm old experiences.

You can switch your attention to another man. Interest in a new person will overcome your depression. To repress painful memories, fleeting novels are suitable. But if fleeting connections develop into something more, then there is a risk that the unrecovered psyche will show suppressed grievances in a new relationship.

Why didn't this happen the first time (the third time...)?

If you decide you're leaving, you probably have to have a good reason. If you get back into a relationship, it is very likely that you will have an issue with whatever caused your previous break. And it doesn’t matter whether this was due to poor communication, a different rank of values, or lack of attractiveness.

Think about why you are thinking about getting back with your partner. Is it just comfort? Do you want to go back to him just because he loved your family? Or are you afraid that you won't find someone else? Unfortunately, these reasons only lead to further breakthroughs.

He may give you the following questions. First, find the answers yourself, then say:

What have you learned about yourself during your first year—about yourself and about you as a couple?
What changed after your hack? And what makes you believe that this won't happen again?
Are you ready to compromise now?
How exactly do you envision your common future? What are your visions?
What are you, as a stronger couple?

Try to think about it and don't rush into a final decision. Leave as much time as you need.