How to tell your wife about divorce: preparation and advice from a psychologist

Deciding to divorce is a rather difficult task, and, first of all, morally difficult. Someone has been nurturing this idea in their head for years, analyzing all the nuances and so on. But one of the most difficult stages is telling your wife about your intention to divorce. This is a great psychological responsibility to convey such news, so the spouse will have to mentally prepare for the conversation.

How to prepare your wife for divorce?

The question of how to tell your wife about divorce is not the most difficult; it is much more difficult to accept the consequences. Not every woman can peacefully accept your decision and file for divorce, especially if she has minor children. If your decision is final and cannot be appealed, then it is time to gather your will and prepare for a serious conversation with your still wife.

How to tell your wife about this

After the preparatory stage, it is worth moving on to decisive action. It is undesirable to delay voicing a decision, as this will make the process even more painful. Here are the main rules for men:

• you need to do it confidently;
• be sure to voice arguments and reasons;
• It is worth emphasizing that the decision is final.

It’s worth starting the conversation by voicing a solution. After this, the man should explain the reasons for wanting to end the marriage. It is also important to listen to your spouse’s opinion on this matter, but not to give her arguments the opportunity to influence your decision. It is important to avoid reproaches and accusations. Divorce is a painful event. Reproaches will only increase the traumatic effect of the message.

A man should also voice his vision of the relationship with his ex-wife, discuss the possibility of financial support, and issues related to raising children. If we can resolve all this peacefully, without involving the court, then it’s worth trying to come to an agreement.

We must not forget about the positive aspects that were in the marriage. To part ways gracefully, a man should thank the woman for the years they lived together and all the good things that happened in them. This approach will allow you to part without mutual offense and even, perhaps, remain friends.

What do psychologists advise you to do when preparing for a conversation?

It is important to properly prepare yourself before the conversation; this will be much easier if you take note of the following rules:

• First, think about your decision, whether it was made from a rational point of view or based on emotions. In any case, your statement will shock your spouse, so you should be as confident as possible in your decision. Now your task is to choose the right words so as not to morally destroy your wife. Remember that her self-esteem should not suffer and lead the woman to deep depression. We want to leave peacefully, right?
• If you know very well the character of your spouse and can assume that in a fit of anger she may behave unbalanced, then you need to prepare copies of the documents needed for divorce. If your young lady destroys the originals in a fit of anger, it will not be easy to restore them, and the divorce will drag on indefinitely.
• Report your decision in a quiet place, preferably at home, so that strangers do not witness the quarrel.
• You should also not talk about the desire to divorce in the morning or before work, especially if you know that a difficult day awaits your wife. Psychologists believe that sleepy women may react inadequately to negative information, and it’s not entirely right for you to ruin a person’s new day.
• During the conversation, do not focus on the negative aspects of your relationship. Try to communicate in a gentle manner that you do not feel the same feelings as before. If you find it difficult to find the right words, psychologists advise telling your wife about the divorce in a letter, but you don’t need to act like a coward, leave it on the table and quietly walk away - an absolutely useless option. It’s better to look into your wife’s eyes, hand her a note and wait for her to read it in your presence.
• You must be confident in your decision. Words like “probably”, “maybe”, “I think it will be better” will not smooth out the situation, do not give false hopes. Say directly: “I am sure I want a divorce and have already filed for divorce.” Do not go back on your words, even if you hear requests for a second chance, otherwise this rigmarole may last forever.

Your task is not to part as enemies, but also not to give non-existent hopes to your spouse.

Why do men ask for divorce?

Divorce is a consequence of dissatisfaction in marriage. Much more often it is women who initiate the breakup, but men also often demand divorce for the following reasons:

• serious changes in the character, habits, appearance or life position of the spouse;
• frequent scandals, inability to find a common language;
• mismatch of life goals;
• infidelity and betrayal on the part of the spouse;
• reproaches and an incessant stream of criticism;
• bad habits, such as alcohol addiction;
• dishonesty;
• fading of feelings, cooling of relationships.

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In some cases, both partners realize that the marriage has exhausted itself. In order not to torment each other by living together, the spouses decide to divorce. Mutual consent to divorce is the best option.

A common reason for a breakup is that one of the spouses is having an affair. In such a situation, separation does not happen overnight. It can take years from the start of an affair to the official divorce. To break up without hostility and mutual insults, it is better to do it earlier.

Statistics show that the average age of young people at the time of their first marriage is less than 20 years. This suggests that many families were created by partners who did not have enough experience to understand the full responsibility and perspective of the relationship. Such marriages do not survive periods of crisis in 60% of cases. As partners age, they realize that they have made a mistake and rush to end the relationship.

General recommendations

Divorce is a serious process that requires a rational approach and imposes a certain responsibility on the initiator of the divorce. Before you jump into the deep end, think about the following:

• Analyze the financial side of the issue, determine joint debts and possible assets.
• Do not make a decision in a fit of anger; if you feel that the relationship can still be saved, it is better to go to a psychologist rather than cut from the shoulder.
• You may have to turn to the services of lawyers, take this into account. A lawyer is not needed only if you do not have common children, loans, and your wife reacted quite adequately to the news of the divorce.
• The divorce process is most difficult for families with minor children. Try to explain to them that it is not their fault that their parents separate. You should also not turn your child against his mother, because you are most likely acting in a fit of emotion, and the baby may be left with psychological trauma.

These aspects are of paramount importance in the divorce process. It is possible to tell your wife correctly about divorce only if all of the above nuances have been thought through.

What to talk about with your spouse before announcing your divorce

The decision to divorce does not arise spontaneously. Without preparation, telling your wife that I want a divorce is a bad idea. The suddenness of the situation will produce the effect of a nuclear explosion. This can break a woman's heart. But it’s also not worth pretending that nothing is happening.

It must be said about dissatisfaction with the current state of affairs. For example, if life in marriage did not work out due to problems in the intimate sphere, then it is worth discussing this before the divorce. At that stage, while the marriage can still be saved, it is worth trying to voice all existing problems. If dialogue does not lead to positive change, it is worth starting to think about a radical solution.

Before the final conversation, which will put everything in its place, it is also worth discussing the prospects for the future. If during their cohabitation the spouses managed to acquire joint property, it is necessary to discuss the possibilities of dividing it. Getting a good divorce, avoiding high-profile scandals and litigation over housing issues, is an art. Preliminary preparation will help prevent troubles in the divorce process.

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If spouses have children together, you need to take care of their future fate. A calm discussion of this issue will create the most favorable atmosphere for the smallest family members who painfully experience such events.

When there is a child in the family, you need to tell your wife about the divorce before he finds out about it. Adults are obliged to act together in such a situation in order to prepare the fragile psyche of children for such a message. It’s also not worth asking children for advice in such a situation - they just need to be directly presented with the fact of impending changes in the life of mom and dad. It is important to explain that the parents' decision to divorce will not affect their relationship with their children, and also to emphasize that they are still loved.

There is one more important nuance - you should not heat up the situation before a divorce. It is advisable to ensure that there are no scandals in the family. During this time, it is worthwhile to prepare as much as possible for the legal and practical side of the process. It is necessary to prepare all documents for material property, consult with a lawyer, and consider all possibilities for dividing property. You should think about your property rights, as well as providing for your children. All of these questions can catch spouses who want to end their marital relationship by surprise.

READ How to save a family on the verge of divorce: advice from a psychologist

What should established couples do?

If you are still young people who have neither property nor children, divorce will be a piece of cake. Things are different with couples who have been married for many years and have jointly acquired property and children. Here, whatever one may say, it will be more difficult to dissolve the marriage, especially when the wife is categorically against such a turn of events. Telling your wife about a divorce if you have children is many times more difficult morally than in any other cases.

How should the dialogue develop?

If you are an already established couple, consider the following first:

• Consider who is able to raise children. Most likely, this issue will be resolved in court, but you have the opportunity to resolve everything peacefully, without scandals. In most cases, the child remains with the mother.
• To get competent answers to all questions, contact a lawyer. He will not only advise on the divorce process, but will also answer questions about the division of property.
• Consider who will pay the mortgage, loan or other debt obligations, if any.

These issues can be resolved by spouses only jointly. If you tell your wife about the divorce, and in addition tell her that everything has already been decided for her, this may add fuel to the fire. It is better to just get legal advice before talking and protect yourself.

Responsible decision

Divorce is a serious step that will be the beginning of a new life. Unfortunately, in some cases this is an unavoidable decision. You need to get a divorce if:

• the spark of your marriage has disappeared, and instead of love, enmity has appeared;
• the desire to separate is mutual;
• betrayal has occurred;
• systematic humiliation, insults, and threats are observed in the family.

These are the most serious reasons for divorce, so to speak, there is no alternative. If the reason for separation was a domestic quarrel or a small family turmoil, then it is better to consult a psychologist. An experienced specialist will help resolve and eliminate the conflict, and also find common ground.

Unfortunately, the problem of betrayal is quite common in our time. However, timely repentance and patience of the wife will help avoid a sudden divorce. But this only applies to those couples in which there is love. After all, cheating on the part of a man is often an ill-considered step, which is more in the nature of physical satisfaction than serious intentions. After betrayal, a happy family life is also possible if the couple has wisdom.

Psychologists are inclined to believe that if there is violence in the family, then this is the main impetus for divorce.

Moreover, tyranny on the part of women is as common as that of men. Often in such a couple there is no mutual desire for divorce. This is done specifically to humiliate and exploit the partner’s feelings.

Basic rules of conduct

Next, you should adhere to the following tips:

• Don’t shy away from counter questions, answer them clearly and specifically. Don’t shout that you’ve decided to get a divorce; you shouldn’t pack your things and leave right away either. And even more so, ignore your wife’s attempts to talk to you. Don't run from the problem, but solve it.
• An ideal place for a conversation is an embankment, a bench in a park, a clearing by a river. In this case, you will, on the one hand, be alone, and on the other, the place will be crowded, which can protect you from violent scandals. Think about where your wife will be more comfortable. You should not have a conversation with her at work, in a restaurant, or in front of children.
• The optimal time for conversation is lunch. It is during this period that a person is most ready to perceive information. There is no need to do this in the morning, so as not to ruin the whole day; also, the evening is not the best option, since your wife is unlikely to be able to sleep.
• Whatever one may say, your wife is not a stranger to you, you have been together for many years, so do everything to maintain friendly relations.
• If your wife reacted adequately to your decision and agreed to a divorce, then you can immediately begin discussing the details of the division of property and raising children. If there is hysteria and denial, then you should give your spouse time to cool down and return to the conversation later. Consult with a divorce lawyer to determine the best course of action for you.
• Do not share this information with friends or relatives. First, talk to your wife, it will not be very good if she finds out about your intentions from someone else.

If the wife does not want to agree to a divorce, start the process unilaterally. There is no way around this without lawyers.

How to tell your wife about divorce?

Having decided to dissolve the marriage, the husband thinks about how to tell his wife about his intention to divorce her. Depending on how family relationships develop and what the personal relationships of the spouses are, you can choose one of the methods.

• Conversation face to face. This is the most optimal method that suits a couple if the wife is able to adequately respond to what is happening. It is advisable to add to the oral conversation samples of an application for divorce, an agreement on alimony, an agreement on the division of property, and a decision on determining the place of residence of children. There is no need to make children witnesses to the conversation. There is no need for the presence of relatives, neighbors, or friends. This is a two-person job, so only two people should do it.
• Telephone call. If the husband has already left the family or does not plan to return, and does not want to meet his wife, he can call her by phone and inform her of his decision to separate and dissolve the marriage. The conversation should be thought out in the smallest detail. Just like for a personal conversation, you need to prepare options for statements and agreements. They will have to be read out in a condensed form or sent by email and discussed while looking at the text.
• Email. You can make as many adjustments as you like in your letter. This is the good thing about the Internet: before sending, you always have the opportunity to change your mind. It would be good in a letter to express gratitude to your wife for the good things that happened in your marriage. Spouses in the process of divorce usually state that if things were going well, they would not have divorced. But marriage was once built on love, and not on a negative attitude, which means there was still good. This is exactly what we should remember. It is convenient to attach all documents related to the divorce process to the email.
• Mailing. If the relationship has deteriorated so much that talking to your wife and writing letters to her is beyond the husband’s strength, then you can simply mail her a package of documents for divorce: an application, sample agreements, copies of the necessary papers (marriage certificate, birth certificates of children, etc. .).
• Representative. Many lawyers offer their services in the field of matrimonial disputes. The husband's representative may, acting on his behalf, contact his principal's wife and notify her that the divorce proceedings have begun.

All these methods are quite civilized and meet the basic rules of decency. You should not break these rules even when your wife has become hateful, and the thought of living with her disgusts you.

What else is worth paying attention to?

Divorce is a complex process that is not easy, primarily in moral terms. Advice from a psychologist on how to tell your wife about a divorce is one thing, but there are many more nuances that should also be taken into account:

• Divorce is no joke; you should not use the threat of divorce to get some kind of behavior you want from your spouse. Don't teeter on the edge, it could end up working against you.
• Telling your wife about divorce if you have a child is more difficult. But you shouldn’t ignore children either; they deserve an explanation too. It is important for them to know: no one is to blame for what happened, especially themselves. We need to prove to them that the attitude of both parents towards their children will not change in any way.
• Telling your wife about a divorce that you fell in love with another is a big blow for a woman, so never resort to blackmail and threats. A man must do everything to resolve the issue peacefully. Threats will only make matters worse and will not make anyone better.
• Also, excessive aggression can lead to the fact that a divorce will have to be obtained unilaterally, and this is much more difficult. Therefore, try to make your spouse meet you halfway.

Do not tolerate humiliation and insults from your spouse. If she begins to cross all boundaries, it is better not to even try to waste time on any explanations.

What you need to be prepared for when talking to your wife

You shouldn’t expect your wife to breathe a sigh of relief after announcing the breakup. Even if this is a mutual decision, the process will still have traumatic consequences. If you prepare yourself in advance for possible reactions, the dialogue will be constructive and moderately calm. You need to prepare for the following scenarios:

• spouse's refusal to divorce;
• persuasion;
• threats and blackmail.

It is necessary to explain to the wife that the decision is irrevocable and final. To do this, you must stand your ground. Often women oppose such an initiative, trying to prevent divorce by all available methods.

If the spouse refuses to consent to divorce, the man has two options. The first is to convince her of the need for such a step, using arguments. In the dialogue, the spouse will use her arguments to convince her husband. We need to prepare counterarguments for the conversation. If this fails, then it is worth considering the option of terminating the relationship through the court.

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The most common scenario is threats and blackmail. Wives who do not want to divorce manipulate and blackmail with children and property. It will not be possible to have a constructive conversation and reach a compromise, so you should act exclusively within the legal framework. It is necessary to involve specialized lawyers to resolve legal relations and achieve fair court decisions.

Voicing a decision is a crucial step towards divorce, so it takes preparation, determination and courage. If you start thinking about everything in advance, you can avoid many troubles during the separation process.