Advice from a psychologist: if a child is going through a parent’s divorce

Is it necessary to save a marriage for the sake of a child?

No psychologist will give an answer to this question; moreover, he should not give it.
It all depends on the specific situation. The decision must be made by the spouses themselves, who are burdened by marriage, living together, in whose relationships there is no place for love, fidelity, or mutual understanding. And there are only quarrels and scandals. Some people believe that a child needs both a mother and a father (this, of course, is true). Therefore, not wanting to traumatize the child’s psyche, they continue to live together, though as complete strangers. Others decide to separate, but feel guilty for not being able to create an ideal family and depriving their child of a happy childhood.

Does all this mean that you need to make every effort to save your marriage? In general, yes, but with a significant amendment. It is important to understand whether the spouses can agree to start everything, if not from scratch, then from a cooling point, resolve all contradictions, show respect for each other, and eliminate scandals and constant quarrels.

If all the steps have been taken, the arguments have been used, and the improvement of the relationship has not led to the “gluing” of the marriage, most likely, divorce is inevitable. Therefore, spouses need to stop being tormented by feelings of guilt in front of the child. Living in an atmosphere of hatred for him is much worse than the separation of his parents.

Ways for a girl to recover after breaking up with her husband

How else can the parents of their daughter help during a divorce? During a period of stress, the girl may need a vacation, because a woman who is always upset and immersed in her problems is not an employee.
It is logical that this will affect her well-being, and if the parents have such an opportunity, they can support their daughter financially. If mother and daughter are close to each other in spirit and are close friends, at the moment of distress such cohesion will help the divorced girl to perk up. Anything will do - a trip to the spa, a movie, bowling, a change of image and banal shopping - all this will help the girl unwind and come to her senses.

Another way to help your beloved daughter survive a divorce from her husband is to remind the girl of her attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex, remember life stories related to fans, and so on. This is a good incentive to pull yourself together. But sending your daughter and her friends out to a bar or nightclub immediately after the divorce process is not the best idea. A girl in a difficult emotional state is capable of doing stupid things that she will regret.

How children cope with divorce

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Strange as it may sound, the child is experiencing not just a separation between mother and father, but a personal “divorce” from his parent. And, as we noted earlier, in terms of stress level, divorce approaches the loss of a loved one.

A small child does not understand the intricacies of relationships between adults. He does not realize an important thing: the family rests, among other things, on the love and mutual respect of the parents. This is why the baby may think that dad left because he (son, daughter) is uninteresting and indifferent to him.

Children whose parents have separated may feel the following emotions:

• fear. Children are great conservatives; they enjoy living in a stable world where tomorrow is similar to today. And now it is destroyed, and it is unknown what will happen next. Possible nightmares and anxiety;
• guilt. A small child may think that his parents divorced because he behaved badly, broke toys, or became a hooligan;
• shame. Children don’t know what to answer in kindergarten or school when asked why dad no longer picks him up and doesn’t go to parent-teacher meetings. A teenager may feel ashamed because adults begin to feel sorry for him;
• resentment. This is perhaps the most common emotion. The child is offended by everyone: by the parents who promised that everything would be fine in the family; against my father for leaving; at my mother for allowing me to leave;
• anger. It can be directed at the parent whom the child considers to blame for the divorce. On dad - who offended mom; at the mother - who screamed and swore at the father. Anger is expressed in rudeness and deviant behavior (in a teenager).

If parents do not see these children's emotions, this does not mean that they do not exist and that the child or teenager is not experiencing the separation of their parents. The child hides his feelings deep inside, and the longer they remain unexpressed, the more difficult it will be to get rid of them.

I am crazy! Notes from a psychologist to parents and children

Divorce with children is always very tragic. Parents are not always psychologically prepared for it. And for children, in general, divorce “sounds” like a bolt from the blue... After all, they are egocentric, the whole world revolves around them alone, and suddenly... everything immutable and eternal collapses...

The parents are no longer together. This is very difficult for a child to understand. How? Why? The questions are far from appropriate for the child’s age and experience...

Children after parents' divorce - consequences

How do children feel when their parents divorce? The psychology of children in this situation is peculiar...

In this bustle and whirlwind of divorce, the child decides that it is all his fault . He didn’t listen, he tore his pants, he cried a lot and asked for a new toy...

Naive? Certainly! But this is for our adult, world-wise mind, and the baby, with his little mind, may well think so. Especially if, God forbid, some of these events very “fortunately” coincided in time with the departure of one of the parents (most often, of course, the father).

Older children after a parental divorce may become angry at everyone and everything, show regressive reactions, be insolent to both parents, and take offense. So they take revenge.

They take revenge on their parents because their prosperous little world collapsed and went to hell. Children do not understand the meaning of divorce, they only understand that for some reason they were no longer loved, abandoned, betrayed...

And therefore, the divorce of parents can have an extremely strong impact on the future fate of their children . Right up to adulthood, grown children firmly believe that they are inferior, to some extent defective. Since their closest relative - father or mother - could betray them, then what can we say about other people?

And the psyche, broken in early childhood, whispers that what happened once is repeated... And then these adults try for a long time and at great expense to put themselves in order, to find the strength to believe, trust, and improve their personal lives. To become a parent yourself, after all.

Child after parents' divorce, education after divorce

Raising children after divorce is often challenging. Wanting to do his best to change the situation, the child tries to attract the attention of both parents . And he does not always use healthy means for this.

He will prefer to start behaving badly, simply disgustingly, just to divert his parents’ attention from internal squabbles to himself. Save the family! The child is not aware of his mission, but is unconsciously ready to sacrifice himself for the sake of preserving the family. He can become seriously ill, go into disrepair, quit studying, fall into bad company, leave home...

And in most cases, this works; parents who are planning to divorce actually forget about their own problems for a while and rush to solve others’ problems with double enthusiasm.

But childish sacrifice is not a panacea, husband and wife only temporarily unite, the intensity of passions associated with the child passes and everything begins again...

And the task of mom and dad, despite their far from easy problems in relationships, is to say, prove, convince over and over again that the spouses have separated, and the parents will remain parents forever. At all times and under any conditions they will love their child. And take care of him .

Unfortunately, what I described is an ideal situation after the parents’ divorce, but in reality it often happens that dad leaves and, as if overnight, forgets that he once had a son or daughter. Or he remembers them only on major holidays, buys toys, a pile of clothes, in order to pay off and not seem so bad in his mind. For some reason, in our “enlightened” age, the vast majority of parents are not tormented by the question of how to leave their child after a divorce.

The other extreme is a mother, angry at her ex-husband, forbids him to see the child, and tries to cut off all ties at once. “We don’t need anything from him!” - she often exclaims offendedly, forgetting that the mother may really not need anything, but the CHILD...

As a rule, such hysteria after a divorce passes over time. Emotions subside, and the woman understands that in her situation, the child always needs a father. And if it doesn’t work out “always,” then at least occasionally. As they say, if there is no fish, there is no cancer.

Now I am not taking into account another situation when children, seeing the futility of their attempts to reunite the family, begin to manipulate their parents , taking advantage of the fact that mom and dad have almost no contact with each other, and therefore do not have complete information. And speculation begins on the feelings of the parents, squabbles, rivalry over who is better for the child, clever extortion of gifts... The child seems to be saying by this, since I still failed to connect them together, then I will at least squeeze out of them what I can!

Another option is when a child after a divorce may not even experience excessive pain from the divorce until the parents begin dating other partners. But at the sight of a competitor for the role of dad or mom, the offspring can go crazy. So much so that many parents simply do not risk rebuilding their personal lives due to the fact that their children react negatively to this. A child very often gets angry and sad because mom or dad starts dating someone.

Divorced parents very often feel guilty about this and begin to somehow placate the child. If parents begin to behave irresponsibly, then children take advantage of the situation. The child feels that their parents have lost control over them and begin to manage everything on their own.

The main thing during a divorce is not to show the child that one parent cannot cope with the situation. There is also no need to refuse a new relationship because of the child’s constant protest, because children often behave this way, even if their parents simply go somewhere without them.

There is no need to allow the child to receive more than he should, as his desires will constantly grow. Over time, the child will be able to get rid of bitterness due to his parents’ divorce, and will also be able to accept a new family member. The main thing is to let him understand the reasons for such a step and develop in him the ability to empathize and be loyal to the actions of his elders.

It is even more difficult when, after a divorce, a new family is created with one of the parents , and the old one is crossed out as a draft, a failed attempt. Moreover, it is completely crossed out, including children. In this case, it is extremely difficult for the child... He can be saved from severe mental shock only by the tolerant attitude of the adults remaining in his immediate circle towards his adaptation, the age-related characteristics of growing up. Here, wise grandparents can play a big role, setting an example of a dignified and respectful attitude towards separated parents.

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How to tell your child about divorce

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We have already mentioned the conservatism of children. The usual family structure is understandable to the child, and therefore safe. Divorce of parents is a sharp change in this way of life, a turning point in the system. If the baby does not understand what is happening now and what will happen tomorrow, he begins to experience anxiety and restlessness. Prolonged stay in ignorance and misunderstanding can lead to neurosis and psychological problems.

Therefore, you need to inform your child about the upcoming divorce, but only after you have made the final decision. How to do it right?

1. Provide only truthful information, without hiding what happened from the child. You shouldn’t tell your son that his dad suddenly became an astronaut and flew off to conquer the stars. It is better to talk about divorce before the moment when changes hit the child’s head.
2. Communicate with him in a language he understands, taking into account his age. Which words are more correct is up to you to decide. The general meaning of the story may be that it is difficult for parents to live together, which is why constant quarrels occur. If we separate, it will be easier for everyone.
3. Answer any questions that arise. This is a new life situation for the child, he is trying to understand what will happen next. Give clear, specific and simple answers to all questions.
4. Don't be afraid of children's reactions. A child can react to a breakup in his own way: anger, tears, withdrawal. Try to express these emotions, identify them verbally: “you’re upset,” “you’re offended by us,” “you miss dad,” “you’re angry with mom,” etc.
5. Do not change the requirements for your child. Yes, the usual way of life has changed, but this is not a reason to change educational principles and rules. Children still need to brush their teeth, do homework, and go to bed on time.

Despite all the right words, the child will still worry about his parents’ divorce. Your task is to minimize the traumatic impact on the child’s psyche and make emotional experiences less severe.

Child in a situation of divorce

In rare cases, parental divorce can be beneficial for the child. These are situations where children experience stress every day due to the endless scolding of their parents and living separately does not cause negative consequences, but even the opposite. But such situations are rare; the vast majority of children experience severe psychological trauma. At one point, a small family member realizes that it will never be the same again, and this is always a tragedy associated with the destruction of his world. It has been scientifically proven that childhood experiences and worries on this basis can negatively affect the entire subsequent life of the child and influence the performance of marital and parental roles in the future.

With mom or dad? Difficult choice

Usually children under 12 years old stay with the woman. This court decision is explained by the fact that it is mothers who play a decisive role in the formation of personality at an early age and the beginning of adolescence. Sometimes the child is still given to the father - for various reasons: from economic to social.

Some experts believe that children will be more psychologically comfortable living with a parent who is less hostile towards their former partner. In this case, the child will be able to communicate normally with both father and mother, without feeling guilt and fear.

But in any case, it is strictly not recommended to force children to choose between their father and mother. Such a choice confuses any child or teenager and contradicts his worldview. There is no need to push all your problems onto your child - it is better to agree among yourself on the mode of his communication with his loved ones.

How to help a daughter experiencing a separation from her husband

A woman during a period of separation from her loved one is very vulnerable - her self-esteem is low, she feels abandoned and useless to anyone.
Therefore, it is very important to hear from loved ones that they love her. A daughter may not always be ready for frank conversations, but with the right approach, this time will definitely come. A psychological technique works great here - you need to be as open as possible with your child, tell her about your personal dramas. In most cases, this helps the daughter realize that she is not alone in her experiences. This will help bring out everything she's been holding inside. After such an emotional outburst it becomes easier.

Sympathy is sympathy, but sometimes a recently divorced girl needs a good shake-up to keep her daughter happy after the divorce. A good option for a woman to come to her senses would be a joint hobby. It’s clear that you shouldn’t propose to your daughter the day after the divorce - let’s go to the mountains. She needs to cry for a couple of days and collect her thoughts. But after a few days, you can surprise your daughter - buy a ticket to the sea or an excursion tour.

Depending on family traditions, one of the parents or a friend can go on a trip with the girl. A good option to get used to a new life would be to travel together with your daughter and her teenage grandchildren. Taking care of children will not allow a woman to get bogged down in her worries, and a son or daughter will be able to feel that their mother needs them.

Common mistakes parents make

So, parental divorce is always stressful for a child. The task of adults is to help him survive this unpleasant and painful period of life. However, unfortunately, it often happens that ex-spouses use the baby to take revenge on each other, without paying attention to his feelings, desires and needs.

What mistakes do people who have become strangers most often make?

From 6 to 11 years

This age already carries with it the stress caused by entering school, and the divorce of parents makes it doubly worse. Children already know very well what the word “divorce” means and are very worried that dad or mom is leaving their lives forever, they are afraid for their future and therefore try in every possible way to bring their parents together again, because they consider themselves capable of helping them connect again. It often happens that a child begins to hate one of the parents, blames him for everything, and, on the contrary, idealizes the other. Stress comes out in different ways:

• disregard for studying;
• bad behavior at school and at home;
• apathy, reluctance to communicate with family and friends;
• pain, constant fatigue;
• digestive problems;
• urinary incontinence.

What to do?

• Explain to your child that his future will be safe and stable, no matter how your relationship with your ex-spouse develops.
• Raise his self-esteem, support him in every possible way, praise him more often, emphasize his importance in your life, etc.
• Let's communicate with the other parent if there is a desire on the part of the child. Don't try to win him over to your side.
• Don't gloss over the situation. Explain why this happened, answer all questions as truthfully as possible, listen carefully. Let the child have the opportunity to speak out.

How to help your child cope with their parents' divorce

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Much depends on the age of the children. So, in infancy and early childhood, the most important thing is to maintain the traditional regime to which the baby is accustomed. For preschoolers, the separation of their parents is a real blow, since they do not understand the causes and consequences of this situation. You need to surround your child with love, but at the same time do not forget about maintaining the regime. It’s worth talking to teenagers as equals so that they are not afraid to share their thoughts and experiences.

What do psychologists recommend?

1. If possible, maintain a respectful relationship with your significant other. What you have in common is a child.
2. Don't let other relatives drag your child or teenager into your family squabbles with your spouse.
3. Discuss with your ex-spouse the schedule for meetings with your child. Let's say a father meets with his son on weekends and on certain weekdays.
4. Agree on a common parenting style. What mother prohibits, father should not allow. And vice versa.
5. Do not discuss your ex-spouse, especially in a derogatory manner, with anyone in front of your child. It's taboo.
6. Be sure to explain to the child that he is not to blame. Convey to him a simple idea: parents’ divorce is the result of a misunderstanding between mom and dad.
7. Allow children to be angry, cry, and be sad. A child may react differently to the news of a divorce. And this is quite natural! It is much worse if he withdraws into himself.
8. Tell us what will change and what will remain the same. It will be useful for the child to learn about future changes in order to have time to mentally prepare for them.

As much as you want to surround your child with care, you don’t need to focus entirely on the child’s life. Don’t forget about your own: communicate with friends, relatives, visit theaters, restaurants, meet new people. Your life continues and can sparkle with new colors.

How does the child’s experience of his parents’ divorce manifest itself in his behavior?

• If there are changes in mood. The child cries a lot or is apathetic, lethargic, or anxious. Or, on the contrary, he is fussy, restless, and emotionally excited. Constant increased anxiety of a child negatively affects his overall mental development.
• If the child begins to get sick a lot. Children may unconsciously choose this way to unite their parents, to bring them together again to care for a sick child.
• If the behavior worsens. The child’s insufficient self-awareness does not allow him to understand his condition and express it in adequate ways. Disruption of behavior when communicating with parents is a child’s way of showing his suffering or his protest.
• If you become aggressive. The child gets angry and blames the adults for what happened. May start to fight with brothers and sisters, with other children. A new or unfamiliar situation can frighten a child, and aggression is his way of coping with his fear.
• If he blames himself for what happened, thinking that because of him his parents are getting a divorce. Self-centered thinking, characteristic of children of preschool and primary school age, forces the child to attribute the cause of many events, and the divorce of his parents, exclusively to his behavior, instilling a feeling of guilt in the child.
• If sleep disturbances and fears appear. The child has difficulty falling asleep or often wakes up at night, sleeps intermittently, shallowly. A child may be scared by the uncertainty and instability of the relationship between parents.
• If appetite has worsened, the child refuses to eat, eats little, with the urge to vomit. Children are sensitive to tension in the relationships of loved ones, but cannot understand the reasons or explain it to themselves rationally. A child’s experiences of parental conflicts can manifest themselves at a psychosomatic level.
• If you have difficulties learning at school and in the garden. Emotional experiences and anxious thoughts do not allow the child to concentrate on his studies; it is difficult for him to do his homework, listen to the teacher and understand texts. The child may mistakenly feel responsible for what happened and believe that because of his failure at school, his parents are unhappy with him. Then the student can, on the contrary, try very hard at school, hoping that everything will work out and the parents will make peace.

How to start a new family

Time passes, the bitterness of parting disappears, and the former spouses begin to think about new relationships. Should you ask your child for permission? Paradoxically, psychologists categorically advise against asking children’s opinions about remarriage.

You cannot shift responsibility for your life, for the desire to change your destiny, onto your child. The choice of a new partner, marriage is yours and only your choice. The only thing psychologists say is that children should not be confronted with the fact: “Here is Uncle Vadim (Aunt Masha), he will now live with us.”

At the same time, you need to remember one simple thing: the daughter or son did not ask for a new father or mother. Moreover, they may not want it at all. So be prepared for the fact that the child may have an extremely negative and even hostile attitude towards the parent’s new partner. And this decision must be made.

If you behave reasonably and do not force events, then you can build a normal relationship between your child and your new spouse. The main thing is not to impose on the new father or mother and not to pit the new partner against the ex-husband or wife. This is a global rule that, unfortunately, many divorced parents forget about.

Mom and Dad are no longer together

Just yesterday everything was fine, the whole family was sitting together at dinner, but today dad packs his things and says that he no longer lives here. Or long-term scandals between parents finally end with the departure of one of them: silence and loneliness set in, which is almost physically noticeable. Or the mother hugs the baby goodbye and says that she will come to visit. There are a lot of separation scenarios. But all of them are accompanied by one childish question: what to do if parents get divorced?

Children at this moment feel a lot of negative emotions - from fear and uncertainty to guilt for the breakup of the family. Older children can even try on the role of adults and burden their fragile psyches with caring for a parent who is going through a divorce more painfully, and become his support. But is this right? No, because marriage and its dissolution should be balanced decisions of two adults, and it is unacceptable to shift responsibility for one’s mistakes onto children.