How to survive your parents' divorce: recommendations from a psychologist for children

Your parents are divorced. The world that you considered constant and reliable has collapsed. But you shouldn’t feel sorry for yourself: about a sixth of teenagers have experienced a parental divorce. The breakdown of a family pulls the rug out from under the feet of children, no matter how old they are: both preschool children and adults with several higher educations worry if their mother and father become strangers to each other. Therefore, do not isolate yourself - your thoughts and feelings are absolutely normal.

So, you are one or one of those in whose life one day your parents’ phrase sounded like a bolt from the blue: “We are getting a divorce.” Surely a whole hurricane of feelings is raging in your soul. What is missing from this “bouquet”: shock, anger, resentment, fear, bewilderment, disappointment, guilt, pain... Yes, now your life will be different, not necessarily worse or better - just different. How to survive this difficult period without getting lost in the flow of negative emotions that destroy you?

When your parents announce their divorce, they may have no idea how much pain they are causing you. Now you need to get used to the absence of one of your parents, which you perceive as a loss. Fear settles in your soul: a loved one has disappeared from your life, he left you, stopped loving you (although this is absolutely not true), it seems to you that the world is collapsing! By the way, your lifestyle can really change significantly: you will have to move, go to another school, take on new responsibilities - all this also increases the feeling of a “universal catastrophe.”

Even if the atmosphere in the family was far from ideal, if it was rocked by quarrels and conflicts, and with your mind you understand that the house will become calmer, your soul is still full of fear and anxiety. Do you recognize yourself? These are all normal reactions—you just need to know how to avoid getting stuck in a quagmire of despair and anxiety for too long.

An unhappy marriage is not inherited, but it can cause psychological trauma to a child when parents talk badly about each other. For children, mother and mother will always be the same as before.

Reasons for divorce

Psychologist Mikhail Labkovsky in the video explains the main reasons for divorce in the family and what to do next.

Perhaps you yourself saw that something was wrong: father and mother constantly argued, communicated little with each other, were constantly irritated and sad. But often the news hits like a bolt from the blue, and you are tormented by the question of why your parents are breaking up.

In fact, there can be a huge number of reasons for divorce, and each family has its own reasons. Parents are adults who have been married for a certain number of years. Many people, over time, come to the conclusion that they made a mistake in choosing a life partner. In addition, we all tend to change - the relationship between husband and wife, their plans for the future, goals, interests, habits, ideals also change. At the level of everyday life, this results in a lot of problems: parents cannot agree or find a common language even in everyday matters. And sometimes, to get a divorce, you don’t even have to quarrel and argue: parents may become bored, uninterested together, they become complete strangers. There comes a moment when they realize that continuing to go through life together means dooming themselves to endless problem solving or a joyless existence.

“But everything was fine!” you might say. Alas, the fact that your family life looked prosperous on the outside does not mean that it really was so. Most likely, your parents simply didn’t want to hurt you, so they hid the difficulties in the relationship and tried to fix something. As a rule, decisions about divorce are not made in a day, but take months and even years to mature. But one day the time comes when it is no longer possible to endure and hide problems. Divorce becomes the easiest, and perhaps the only, opportunity to put things in order in your life.

If your parents get divorced, it means they made some mistakes. Try to understand these mistakes and avoid making them in the future.

If you have the right to ask your parents, why are they splitting up? Of course! Perhaps they will even tell you something. But you shouldn’t count on a completely frank, specific and reliable answer. Why?

Adults, feeling guilty before you, can immediately begin to make excuses, trying to make the other party guilty and distort the facts. Parents can understand: for many, divorce is a personal failure, the need to admit one’s mistakes, and doing this is unpleasant for anyone.
They may choose the opposite tactic: wanting to protect you from shocks, they will not want to talk about the unworthy behavior of their other half - for example, betrayal, deception, etc.
There may be very personal reasons that no one should know about. And, finally, you may simply be considered small and unable to understand the lives of adults and their problems.

Read more: Carlson syndrome in children: causes, symptoms, treatment

Thus, there are many reasons why parents' answers will be vague, vague, and laconic. The most important thing for you right now is not to take it personally, thinking that their breakup has something to do with you.

Remember: responsibility for the decision to break up lies with adults, and children have nothing to do with it.

At one time, you may have been the reason why mom and dad got married, but you weren’t the reason they separated. Usually, on the contrary, because of their children, parents are looking for an opportunity to save the family until the last moment. No matter how badly you behaved, this could not be the reason for your parents’ separation.

How to survive a tragedy

It is important to realize that no one died, everyone is alive and well. Divorce is not an end to a happy future with your loved ones, it is simply a difficulty that needs to be overcome and accepted.

If things have already reached the point of family destruction, most likely the child will experience one or even several reactions:

Anger, disappointment. Before this, the baby lived in a happy and prosperous family, loved her and enjoyed every day of his wonderful life. He thought that this would go on forever, but the utopia was destroyed and he had to face the harsh reality. Few people would like to have their rose-colored glasses broken at a young age.
Fear. It is even more common than depression and a feeling of complete loneliness. The point is that the child does not know what awaits him next, he does not understand at all what is happening, why his family is being destroyed. That is why it is best to present the divorce as loyally as possible, not to throw ostentatious hysterics and scandals, and try not to traumatize the child’s psyche. It is recommended to contact a highly qualified psychologist.
Guilt. This reaction is typical for children from 3 to 8 years old; they think that a family member left because of their bad behavior. It is imperative to explain to the child that he is not to blame for anything, everything will be fine.
Resentment, loneliness. In order to avoid this, you need not to dwell on your problems, but try to support your son or daughter.

READ How to understand that it’s time to divorce your husband: is it worth leaving a man

After divorce, life goes on. It is better to treat it as a temporary difficulty that will definitely be overcome.

What to do and what not to do after your parents divorce

Psychologist Marina Romanenko has prepared 8 tips that can help a child survive their parents’ divorce, and help a mother or father remain a pillar and support for the child even during a difficult period.

If your parents are getting divorced or have already separated, you probably ask yourself the question of whether you can somehow improve the situation, what to do, how to behave. First, what not to do:

This is so important that we repeat once again: you cannot blame yourself for what happened.
Make sacrifices: study with straight A's, take on all the housework, become a good girl or a good boy just to reconcile your parents. In themselves, these actions are commendable, but they are useless for achieving the goal and will bring disappointment.
Try to manipulate, give an ultimatum, threaten. Even if you achieve something with this, it will only be for a while and will deprive yourself and your parents of the opportunity to quickly adapt to new realities.
Be offended and angry with your parents. They are simply trying to solve very difficult problems in their lives, to gain the opportunity to become happy - every person has the right to this.
Show selfishness. If you try to show with all your appearance and actions how bad you feel, this makes your mother and father feel even more pain. Parents, no matter how they behave, have it even harder than you. If they stay together, it won't make anyone happy. Don’t you want your beloved parents to be happy and enjoy life?
Be your own enemy. You can abandon your studies, behave hooliganly, get involved in dubious companies and adventures - this is how the negativity that oppresses you finds a way out. But by behaving this way, you will not only not fix anything, but you will also get into big trouble. Why do you need them, because you feel bad enough!
Take the side of one of the parents. For various reasons, you may be biased in your assessments of the situation and behavior of loved ones. Therefore, you risk unfairly injuring someone who does not deserve it.

If I don’t stop being angry and offended, what will I achieve?
Why is it unwise to punish parents with your behavior?
Why is it better to forgive your parents and support them?
How to take the place of your parents? Analyze the situation from their point of view.

How to tell your child about divorce

The child needs to be told why the parents do not live together in a way that he can understand.
It is necessary for the spouses to discuss in advance what and how to tell the child about the divorce. The versions must match so that the child does not look for right and wrong. The same reasons should be voiced by grandparents if he asks them a question. The younger the child, the less information he should receive.
The environment in which he hears the news should be calm. It's better to do this at home than in a crowded place. This way he will be able to throw out negative emotions, scream, cry.
It is better to have a conversation with both parents. It is important to emphasize that the decision is mutual and there is no one to blame: no one should be pitied, no one should be blamed.
The son and daughter must be sure that the parent who is moving out will always be there at the right moment and, as before, loves his children very much. That the relationship with my wife did not work out, but the children are loved and needed.
Explain that there is nothing shameful about the fact that parents no longer live together. And this family can also be happy.
According to the study, about 66% of boys and girls aged 5-7 years hope that their parents will live together again. 12% of young men whose parents are divorcing think so too. Children must understand that the decision has been made finally and it will no longer be the same. Don't give false hopes.

These are the general recommendations of psychologists; we will consider more specific issues below.

Children perceive the news differently: some do not even worry, taking it for granted, others try to manipulate and threaten their parents. How quickly adaptation occurs depends on several factors.

Closeness to a parent with whom the child does not stay. Young children often perceive their dad as a holiday person: he plays with them, carries them on his shoulders, throws them up, lets them play on the computer. The more activities a father and child have in common, the more difficult it will be to readjust.
Some parents prefer to keep their child in the dark about what is happening in the marital relationship. And the message that the father or mother will no longer live with them plunges the child into shock. After all, just yesterday there was a stable family, and today one of its members becomes an ex. A child who understands how tense the relationship between father and mother is expects something similar.
How tense is the situation in the family? If he sees how dad yells at mom, and possibly hits him, then most likely he will perceive the divorce as the beginning of a new, calm life.
The state of health of the child’s mental and physical health and his age.

What should a child do?

Understand that the relationship between parents and your relationship with each of them are two very different things. The fact that they separate does not mean that they stop loving you, that you are no longer needed. Divorce itself does not change anything in your relationships with loved ones.
Talk to your parents, tell them about your feelings and concerns. Their words of support or explanation will help you get through a difficult time easier. Perhaps your fears will be in vain. If your parents don’t respond to your cry from the soul now, trust it to someone else: an adult friend, a diary, a school psychologist. In any case, you should not harbor resentment and anger, or keep them to yourself.
Communicate with both parents, support both sides. This is especially important if mom or dad (or someone else) starts to turn you against the other side of the conflict. Give yourself time to figure everything out.

Whose side are you on?

When divorce occurs after decades of marriage, it can be assumed that there were good reasons for the decision. Typically this is:

new relationships;
a completed “mission”, for example, spouses, being on the verge of divorce, decide to “live together for the sake of the children until they grow up.” Finally, the children became adults and left their father’s house, now you can live the way you wanted a long time ago;
loss of health or property;
reassessment of values, a new look at married life, at life in general;
unforgiven grievances, unresolved conflicts.

Often, in a situation of divorce, relatives and friends begin to unite in coalitions . Of course, each of the former spouses is right in their own way, but the more supporters there are, the more convinced you are of your own rightness. In such conditions, it is difficult for an adult child to maintain neutrality, especially if one of the parents calls for help, or both ask for support and are offended by each other.

What to expect from yourself after the divorce of your father and mother

Your first reactions are rage, despair, anxiety, etc. — after some time they give way to others. Of course, such a serious event cannot fail to leave a mark. What do you need to be prepared for?

Feeling lonely. During the divorce process or immediately after it, most parents are busy mainly with personal matters and worries. Treat this with understanding: after all, people’s lives change dramatically, they experience extreme stress. They need time to cope with it and return to parenthood.
It takes a long time to get used to it. Your consciousness needs some time to rebuild and adapt to changing conditions.
Depression, apathy, tearfulness, reluctance to communicate even with best friends. This is natural, and it will pass, it’s just important not to “get stuck” in this state for a long time: work with your experiences, communicate with your parents and other loved ones, and don’t isolate yourself within four walls and within yourself.
Constant irritation, aggressiveness, jealousy, uncontrollable behavior, rebellion against the rules - perhaps you yourself do not want to behave this way, you simply cannot cope with what is inside you. But you have to fight your dark side.
Skin problems, stuttering, insomnia, obsessive movements, headaches, abdominal pain, fatigue for no particular reason, decreased performance. This is another guise of internal problems - and another serious reason to end them.

Read more: Children's fears. Causes, types and fight against phobias

Divorce has become such a common occurrence in the modern world that you probably know someone around you whose parents also divorced. Perhaps, looking at them now, you wonder how they can behave as if nothing had happened. In fact, they also went through a lot. As a result, many people manage to still feel loved and maintain excellent relationships with both parents - the same can be true for you. It may seem incredible now, but over time you may come to the conclusion that your parents’ divorce even has its advantages. For example, they have become calmer, do not throw out anger at you, and devote more time and attention. This is much better than living together but feeling left out and unhappy.

If I am still resentful towards one of my parents because of the divorce, I will talk to him about it
I will tell my mom or dad about my experiences.

Begin with yourself

The main thing is not to let stress take over you completely. Weigh your experiences and decide what worries you most: the fear of losing the love of your mom or dad, worries about changes in your life, or worry about one of your parents? Remember that the separation of your parents did not affect their love for you in any way - they love you. Both. Strongly. It was difficult for them to separate because they were thinking about you. Do you doubt it? Talk to each parent about your feelings. Ask if their love for you has decreased since the divorce? Do they want to communicate with you now? You will be surprised at how genuinely surprised your parents are at your questions.

If you are worried about your future life, then try to immediately accept reality. Yes, mom and dad won't be together anymore. Banish this hope. Don't try to reconcile your parents or "fight" with their new partners. In the near future, you will get used to your new life, you will even find advantages in it: if you see your dad only on weekends, he will most likely devote them entirely to you; you will be able to show more independence and, looking at your reasonable behavior, adults will really begin to listen to your opinion. Or maybe, thanks to the lesson you learned, you will learn to value family ties and never allow your family to break up in the future.

If you are overloaded with household chores, tell your parent about it. Ask to redistribute responsibilities.

Are you angry with your parents? Imagine that for the sake of their peace of mind, right now you need to start a family with an absolutely unsympathetic and, moreover, boring person: spend your days with him, go to bed with him, take care of him. And never again communicate with the one you are in love with. Really, an unpleasant fantasy? So your parents shouldn’t have sacrificed their happiness to preserve your peace of mind. Sometimes love between a man and a woman passes. Forgive them and think about how you can help.

Help me improve my life

After a divorce and division of property, there will be less money in the family, especially if you live with your mother. Show that you can be a support in this situation. Try to help save:

if there are only a couple of stops to school or college, walk;
give up expensive entertainment for a while: a trip to a cafe can be replaced with a picnic, a visit to the cinema can be replaced by watching a movie at home, etc.;
take care of your health, try not to catch a cold - medicines are very expensive;
handle things, shoes, telephone, etc. with care;
Remember that some textbooks can be downloaded from the Internet for a small amount. If you need a book for just a few classes, go to the library;
girls can learn handicrafts and create some of their own clothes and accessories;
boys are able to master minor household repairs;
switch to a healthy diet - kefir and a bun are cheaper than cola and chips (you’ll also save on the dentist at the same time);
if you have a choice - take water/sandwiches with you or buy them in the city - take them with you;
learn to cook. Frying potatoes and cutlets made from minced meat yourself is much cheaper than eating semi-finished products or buying ready-made food.

Believe in changes for the better and tell your mom about it. Every crisis has an end.

Try to take on some of the responsibilities: walk the dog, master how to turn on the washing machine, learn how to change light bulbs and screw in screws. And, of course, may everything be fine with you at school. This will free up time for leisure time spent with parents. And now you need twice as much time, because you will rest separately with mom and separately with dad.

By taking on responsibilities at home, you will become a mature person faster than your peers from two-parent families, who usually have less responsibility.

"House of cards"

The family gives the child everything he needs - care, love, understanding, support in difficult situations. He knows that if something happens, he can always come home and talk to his parents. After all, for a child they are the two most important things in a person’s life.

What happens when a couple decides to end their marriage? The lovers end their own story. They once lived separately from each other, each had their own life. For a child everything is different. The baby has been close to mom and dad since birth, now everything will change. For him this is a real disaster, regardless of age. Everything is collapsing like a house of cards. Experiences gnaw from the inside. At this moment, mom and dad should understand this and support the child, even if they themselves are in pain. Very often, parents become absorbed in themselves and forget about their common child, thinking that over time he will understand everything on his own.

Of course, time heals, but the baby simply needs the support of those closest to him.

Take care of your emotional state

If one of the parents is deeply depressed, and this happens often, help him not to be depressed. Make decisions yourself, because you can already take care of your loved one. What to do if mom/dad is completely “unstuck”:

Put your apartment in order - a person’s well-being depends on the surrounding environment. Invite your parent to help you, or even better, ask for advice (how best to wash the windows, how to clean the microwave, etc.)
This weekend, try to get your ancestor out of the apartment. A trip to the zoo, a walk along the embankment, a picnic, or the beach are suitable. Communication with nature calms and gives strength.
Small manual work is very good at calming the nerves. If you “suddenly” become interested in beadwork, knitting, embroidery or assembling puzzles and involve your parent in this, it will be just great.
Sometimes caring for those who are in a more difficult situation helps people get out of depression. If you don’t dislike such activities, then volunteer: help in a nursery for abandoned animals, spread information about missing people, distribute food to the homeless. And be sure to ask your parent for help - after all, you are a minor, you cannot do many things without adults.
If nothing helps, and the situation gets worse: a loved one refuses to eat, has problems with blood pressure or sleep, or has heart pain, be sure to persuade mom or dad to see a doctor. Sometimes the problem can only be solved with the help of antidepressants prescribed by the doctor.

When using any advice, remember - it must be done sincerely. Parents understand “a game for one spectator” immediately.

There is also one important difference in the psychology of men and women: a woman, in order to survive a difficult situation, needs to talk about it, a man needs to hide in “his cave” for a while and think about everything. Organize a meeting with your friends for your mom and leave the house for a couple of hours. Without you, she will be able to really say what she thinks. When helping dad, let him be alone for a while, and then distract him with some kind of joint activity.

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