Families in which spouses have not learned to interact end in divorce. The reasons for divorce are individual in each specific case. The only thing that unites the parties is the desire to quickly go through the unpleasant process and put an end to it.
In most cases, it is not possible to resolve the accumulated problems peacefully. Spouses have a lot in common: starting with children and ending with acquired property that needs to be divided. What is needed for a divorce in the registry office?
Leave your husband or endure it
If you already have doubts about the development of marital relations, this is the first step towards making a decision to break up. But in practice, everything looks different: dissatisfaction with relationships is perceived by women as a normal phenomenon. Therefore, many are guided by the principle “endure, fall in love.” There is no reason to tolerate a failed relationship, even if the spouses are connected by something more than a stamp in the passport, for example, shared parental responsibilities.
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The main reasons for divorcing your husband
You can endure regular troubles in relationships if:
- during the dialogue, the spouses decided to join forces and work to restore the family;
- problems in marriage are temporary and caused by age-related crises;
- the second partner agreed to couples psychotherapy.
In other situations, doubts and indecision only make problems worse. A woman has the right to live a happy life, not only to love, but also to receive reciprocity. If it turns out that the relationship does not bring satisfaction, but only generates negativity and stress, there is no point in maintaining it at the cost of your life and happiness.
How to know when it's time to divorce your once-beloved wife
Many people believe that love never lasts for the fair sex. They are more committed to their partner. However, women can also fall out of love.
YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOU
And you found out about it
Either kick him out, or forgive and reconcile, or start fighting for his attention. Cheating is always a litmus test for the state of a relationship
Turn your thoughts into a positive direction. The formula “Everything that happens is for the better!” in this case the most correct one. It is not such a rare case when the betrayal of one of the spouses gives a second, fresh wind to the marriage, remember, as in the film “Love and Doves.”
Adviсe
Calm, just calm, no matter how painful it may be. At least outwardly distance yourself from the situation, from your unfaithful partner. He will start to get more nervous if he doesn’t get the expected reaction: “You’re a scoundrel, how could you, I’ve done so much for you!”
In order not to develop a complex, the wife can somehow discreetly see her “rival”. Practice shows that ordinary men, not oligarchs, rarely have affairs with beauties. Most mistresses are worse than their wives. True, there is a chance to run into a young secretary or a long-legged escort model for status...
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But believe me, this is not a reason for frustration at all.
Don’t be afraid to disappear from his life, start going on business trips, or disappear at work. He won't go anywhere. On the contrary, like a hunter, he will begin to get nervous.
He has already won that woman, but he is losing his wife.
Is he doing all this to spite you? - No. “Then why does it annoy you?”
Example of advice from practice 2: A woman at an appointment with a psychologist.
- You know the doctor, he cheated on me! - How was your sex? - Yes, you know, for the last 7 years somehow nothing... - Wow, how much he loved you! You endured it for seven years!...?
Example of advice from practice 3: A man at an appointment with a psychologist.
- Help me understand what I want? My wife is always striving for something, she has a goal in life, and she wants an apartment and a car, but I don’t care! - Can I ask a “stupid” question, what do you want? - And I want everyone to leave me alone!
If your partner is thinking about divorce...
Then not everything depends on you. And if you don’t love him, you don’t have children, then let him or her make a decision calmly.
But if you are not sure that you do not love and have children, then you can try to change this situation. Just remember that hysterics about his (her) conscience, requests to make a decision as soon as possible, dismantling yesterday’s exploits are definitely not a means to save a relationship.
There are usually two reasons for divorces
. Your partner tells you that he/she is not interested in you or that you don't understand him/her. Or all at once. If you don’t understand him or her, then forget about grievances and your pride, take a step towards the needs of the other person.
If you are not interesting, then it is more difficult, because... you will have to stop living the life of your partner and create your own world.
You will probably notice signs that it's time to get a divorce:
- your love has long faded away, and you tolerate each other only for the sake of the children;
- you don’t get a divorce because you are afraid of condemnation and reproaches from relatives, friends and acquaintances;
- you have lost common interests, you began to communicate less with each other;
- you do nothing for your family, you spend your personal money only on your own needs.
When deciding to divorce, listen to your inner voice and sort out your feelings. If you feel empty in your heart and don’t see yourself next to your spouse in the future, then this means that the time has come to separate.
This decision will benefit both of you.
Some more advice from a psychologist:
Reason for your leaving
Most often, marriages break up due to a discrepancy between ideas about a partner and relationships with reality. Everyone has subconscious expectations, and if the result does not meet them, a feeling of dissatisfaction arises. Therefore, psychologists recommend that all couples in love “agree on the shore,” that is, voice their expectations before marriage.
When you are about to get a divorce, you need to understand whether or not there is a chance to establish a connection with your husband. If contact is still possible and it is possible to build a dialogue, it is worth starting with conversations. This is necessary to make the right decision. It is important to discuss the most significant issues regarding relationship problems:
- It is worth finding out whether there is mutual love between the partners.
- It is important to find out how the husband himself sees the situation.
- It is necessary to find out how the husband feels about the fact that his wife wants to divorce.
- It is important to voice your arguments and reasons for the discord in your marriage, and then discuss them with your other half.
If during communication it turns out that the husband also wants a divorce, this will significantly simplify the divorce process. This will also affect the emotional atmosphere.
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The presence of objective reasons for dissatisfaction with the relationship is grounds for breaking the connection. It’s worth starting to plan a divorce; marriage is overshadowed by the following things:
- one or both partners have constant relationships on the side or allow themselves one-time infidelities;
- the husband or wife is dependent on alcohol, drugs, or gambling;
- the spouses do not have the same plans for the future;
- the wife or husband does not want a child;
- relationships are filled with quarrels and conflicts;
- there are insurmountable financial issues;
- There is psychological or physical violence in the marriage.
Even if these reasons are absent, the very desire to break the connection can be a valid reason.
There is no point in tormenting yourself in an unhappy relationship by constantly dreaming of divorce. If people fall out of love with each other or have never experienced warm feelings as a couple, divorce is also inevitable.
Marriages break down over time
Marriages don't break down overnight. They break down over time. Every time a sarcastic or insulting remark is passed without an apology, some of the bonds that keep a couple together are washed away. Regularly, when one spouse fails to identify and meet the other's emotional need, a little more of the glue disappears. Each time conflict is avoided because the couple is desperate for constructive discussion and resolution of the problem, it becomes increasingly destructive. And every time intimate life is denied or avoided. Because one partner feels emotionally disconnected, the process accelerates.
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There are many other sources of dilution, including shifts in time and focus on marriage. Because of obsessions with careers or children. And even though there may be some explosive precipitating event, such as a cold case, in most cases, severe erosion has occurred by the time it is discovered. So, how can we say that erosion has led to a marriage to the point of divorce?
Next time you're at a restaurant, look for the sad couple. Who dines in silence. They have little or no eye contact and little or no conversation. They are completely disconnected and just gobble up the food. This is a couple on the verge of divorce. This may not happen soon and may not happen at all. Because there are couples who are united only by inertia and fear. But at least one or both of these unfortunate people are thinking about divorce.
There are six main signals about an impending divorce.
How to understand yourself and understand that it’s time to leave
There are no universal instructions, because only the woman herself can understand that divorce is inevitable in the future. The main sign that a marriage is doomed to divorce is a strong feeling of dissatisfaction with the relationship. It is accompanied by a feeling of hopelessness and inability to influence the situation. If a woman decides to consider the possibility of divorcing her husband, she needs to ask the following questions:
- “What do I want from a relationship?”;
- “Am I getting what I want?”;
- “What can I do to receive this?”
Relationships are economics. Each partner invests something and receives something in return. When someone invests more than they receive, an imbalance occurs and over time this leads to serious discord. If you analyze relationships based on this rule, you can understand when it is time to divorce your husband, and in what situations you can wait until better times.
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How to painlessly break up with a loved one: methods and tips
The main thing is not to miss the signs of an approaching divorce and begin to analyze the relationship. Some guiding questions will help you understand yourself:
- “Are there objective reasons for divorce?”
- “What will the relationship come to if you don’t take action?”
- “Can anything be changed?”
- “What will change if you decide to divorce?”
It is also important to understand what exactly stops you from taking decisive action. If these are good reasons, it's worth looking into them. If these are just fears and uncertainty, you need to work through your emotional state, carefully weigh all the pros and cons of breaking up the relationship and start acting.
Divorce of spouses and reciprocity
The non-initiating spouse may be nearby and may quickly agree that divorce is the best option. Or he may resist. Claiming that a marriage can be saved. If only they'd try again. In some cases, the non-initiator is completely dumbfounded, claiming that they have an acceptable marriage.
The issue of reciprocity is very important because how it is resolved usually determines whether the divorce will be amicable or bitter.
I want to set the stage for a discussion about when you can say divorce is inevitable. My goal is to educate the oblivious spouse who is surprised by the divorce. Although the warning signs have been obvious for a long time. It is not my mission here to explore why marriages fail.
Our goal is to help people recognize warning signs as early as possible.
How to understand that your partner wants to get a divorce
Although less often, men also sometimes initiate separation. If a man begins to be tormented by doubts, then he analyzes the relationship for a long time, tries to make amends for his guilt, and is not afraid to express claims against his wife. Often, due to their character traits, men do not notice or ignore the signs of an impending divorce. Therefore, the conversation can take place immediately before the divorce. But a woman can notice from changes in her husband’s behavior that he wants to leave:
- He avoids communication.
- He completely stopped criticizing his wife, making claims to her, or suggesting changes.
- He began to stay late at work more often, and on weekends he finds reasons to sneak out of the house so as not to meet his other half.
- He is often depressed or even depressed.
- He does not discuss long-term plans with his wife and shares his experiences less often.
- He began to have secrets, he became secretive and withdrawn.
It is easier for a woman to feel the emerging coldness in a relationship due to her developed emotional intelligence. If a man has not yet made a final decision, and both partners want to preserve the union, everything can still be corrected. It is important to first understand whether this is worth doing and evaluate the situation in the marriage. Not all families can be saved at the stage of preparation for divorce. But you can connect a specialist - a psychologist or family psychotherapist.
Marriage experts recommend:
- develop communication in a constructive direction;
- do not hush up complaints;
- engage in analysis so as not to repeat negative experiences in future relationships;
- Do not blame yourself and your spouse for a failed marriage.
There is no point in making guesses: if you suspect that your partner is planning to break off the relationship, you need to ask a direct question. This will relieve pain and anxiety and speed up the resolution of a difficult situation in marriage.
Divorce of spouses due to lack of intimacy
Intimate connection expresses and enhances emotional connectedness. When a couple has not made love for a long time, it is usually a reliable indicator that emotional frustration is steadily progressing. This is another indicator that partners do not enjoy each other. And that connections are quickly destroyed. If they are not already in a terminal state.
What to do when tension lingers
When spouses go through a period of tension in their relationship, at first they do not attach any importance to it. The couple justifies all the troubles as a temporary crisis, fatigue, and in fact such phenomena are considered the norm in marriage. But if the tension is the result of a natural restructuring of the relationship and reaching a new level, the tension disappears over time, and the spouses become closer. If the crisis period does not end, you need to take action - it will not go away on its own.
The following steps can be taken:
- To begin with, just sit down and talk with your other half, admit that there are problems in your marriage.
- Discuss possible reasons, listen to each other.
- Decide to work closely together to restore harmony in the marriage.
- Start acting together.
To refresh a relationship during a protracted crisis, it is worth spending more time together. It is also important to change the environment, take a break from everyday life, or make changes to your usual, routine life. If the plan to save the relationship does not work, there is only one chance for happiness - divorce.
Divorce after infidelity
Women or men have their own reasons for cheating on their partner
However, not everyone takes into account that any manifestation of infidelity can lead to divorce.
With this test, you can determine what exactly your marriage is more like - a dark dead end or a simple friendly coexistence. Perhaps it is time for you to study the Civil Code regarding how divorce occurs, or perhaps at this point it will be enough to simply contact a family psychologist.
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Do not forget that there are no perfect marriages, but in some situations such situations are created when it is not too late to address your mistakes and return closeness and mutual understanding to the family. Using our test, you can understand how strong your relationship is, but in order to ultimately really get a reliable result, always try to answer only sincerely and honestly, and not try to pass off what you want as reality. This test asks you to imagine yourself in several situations in which you may have never even been, but you need to clearly imagine that this is happening to you at the moment, and understand how you would act in a similar situation.
You get along well with each other and your harmony in the family can only be envied. Well done, keep up the good work!
Your marriage is in crisis. This does not mean at all that you are not suitable for each other. However, you are faced with a number of important problems that require joint resolution.
The stability of your marriage is rated as very low.
You have been seriously dissatisfied with your spouse for a long time and there is no trace left of the previous mutual understanding. It's time to take decisive steps.
You have an extremely high probability of divorce.
You have been uncomfortable with each other for a long time. Understanding and mutual respect are not about you.
As a result, the mother reacts aggressively to the child’s question about dad, thereby awakening a feeling of guilt in his thoughts.
Children who have reached adolescence, having survived their parents' divorce, study poorly, become uncontrollable, begin to steal and run away from home. After the breakup of the family, the child begins to perceive adults as enemies who cannot be trusted.
And a parent who has left the family, in his understanding, is a traitor who simply left.
Preschool children get many phobias from excitement and anxiety. The child begins to take on the character traits of the parent he misses so much. When leaving a family, an adult does not even understand how much pain he is doing to his children. And especially impressionable people may subconsciously return to infancy, suck their thumb before going to bed, or wet the bed. Often after parents divorce, the baby becomes depressed and gets sick. Therefore, before you decide to get a divorce, think about the people close to you.
What not to do
If you see signs that a husband or wife wants to get a divorce, you should not lose sight of them. It is impossible to solve a problem without acknowledging its existence or giving it importance. It is also important to understand what not to do if the marriage is doomed to divorce:
- There is no point in delaying - the sooner the problem is solved, the less painful the breakup will be.
- You should not make hasty decisions and make impulsive attempts to immediately burn all bridges.
- You cannot remain silent about what you are not happy with and hope that divorce will solve this problem. It is important to voice complaints: maybe your partner does not realize that there is something unpleasant in his actions.
- You cannot act alone - you need to involve your partner in an active discussion of problems.
- You should not hope that your partner will change and everything will work out. Saving a marriage is possible only if the partners join forces.
Manipulating a divorce without taking real action is a bad idea. If there is a need for a breakup, you need to act, not talk about it.
No conflict resolution
Renowned researcher John Gottman argues that it is not lack of communication that causes marriage breakdown. But rather, the lack of effective conflict resolution. Couples who have not developed a way to resolve differences without damaging the relationship end up avoiding disagreements and conflict. One or both became desperate. That there is no point in trying to resolve differences with your partner. It may be that one or both are simply avoiding conflict. Or one or both may view every conflict as a fight that can be won by bullying the other into submission. What matters is that someone gave up. Differences are submerged, leading to loss of respect, increasing distance and gradual withdrawal.
Why women are afraid of divorce
If a woman doubts whether she should get a divorce, most often her hesitation on this matter is dictated by fears. Depending on the situation, each female representative has her own fears that prevent her from objectively analyzing problems in relationships.
The fear of loneliness is most common, especially if a woman led a secluded, homely lifestyle. But loneliness in marriage is no better. It is worth starting to establish social contacts, devoting more time to developing friendly relationships, and also maintaining contact with relatives. These people will be able to provide the necessary support during a painful breakup.
The second practical nuance is the housing issue. Women try to save fading relationships only due to the lack of their own living space. But this problem can also be solved if you take responsibility for your life. There are several simple solutions:
- achieve the division of jointly acquired housing and exchange it;
- choose a suitable rental apartment taking into account financial capabilities;
- loan for the purchase of real estate;
- turn to relatives for help.
The fear of injuring children by breaking up a marriage also keeps a woman from taking radical measures. But this fear has no real reason. For children, parental divorce is a traumatic experience. But it is much more dangerous for a child’s psyche to constantly remain in the oppressive atmosphere of an unhappy family. Moreover, divorce is not a reason for parents to stop fulfilling their responsibilities.
You just need to explain that dad and mom, after breaking ties, will still participate in the child’s life, but they won’t live together.
The fear of being left without financial security is inherent in many women who tolerate unloved husbands. Having become financially dependent, it is difficult for a spouse to move to the level of independent support. It’s worth thinking about this in advance - finding a suitable source of income. Financial independence from her husband will give a woman freedom from fear and the opportunity to act based on her desires.
Preparing for a single life
I remember a couple I worked with many years ago. In which the husband, as part of his planning for his upcoming divorce, took out a second mortgage on his home. To pay for a hair transplant to improve his dating prospects. It was a little extreme though. It's common for a newbie spouse to prepare on their own by getting in shape, losing weight, doing hair, wardrobe, and other things to improve their appearance. And especially with women who have stayed at home, we often see renewed interest in upgrading or acquiring a career. To depend less on your husband’s earnings. We also often see the initiator starting activities such as tennis or golf without involving the other spouse. And usually begins to build a social network. As one, not as a couple.
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How to overcome your fears and decide to divorce: advice from psychologists
When the understanding of the need for divorce comes, psychologists will tell you how a woman can decide to take a serious step. During this period, she is in a state of anxiety and even stress, afraid of change and adaptation to the new reality. The question of how to decide on a divorce is especially acute if you still love your husband, but you understand that the relationship cannot continue.
Psychologists advise drawing yourself a detailed plan for ending the marriage. You should think about where you will live. You may even have to change your place of residence and work. Changes in everything will help you get through the situation easier. It is worth taking care of your own appearance: change your hairstyle, wardrobe. Think about the sources of income you will have after the divorce. Perhaps the husband brought a significant part of the finances into the family - now you will have to rely only on yourself (if you have children and on alimony).
After forming a life plan, you need to prepare for a conversation with your husband. If he is a tyrant, negotiations must take place on neutral territory. If he is morally dependent on you, prepare for blackmail, including threats of suicide. Be prepared to call the police. If the spouse is a completely adequate person, all the nuances of the divorce can be discussed at home, in a calm atmosphere, offering to resolve legal and material issues peacefully.
How to overcome fears:
- Put your emotions aside and use common sense.
- Make a list of the reasons why you are initiating a breakup.
- Write down the shortcomings of your spouse that you cannot tolerate.
- Determine your end result and stick to it.
A relationship that has exhausted itself must be broken off, no matter how painful it may be. Psychologists advise to quickly take care of your own life, stop following your ex-spouse on social networks, and delve deeper into work or a new relationship. This will help you get through the breakup as painlessly as possible.
When the only option is divorce
My first marriage became for me something like chickenpox, after which the body forever acquires immunity. Was this marriage a failure? Yes, I was. Did I need such a relationship? Yes, we do.
We always attract only the right people. We learn next to them. And if we learn a lesson, we become better. I needed a man with whom I could be a superwoman, to be proud of the burden of my life.
Then I grew out of these ideas, but the relationship itself did not change and ceased to suit me. And there was only one way out.
Should I divorce my husband test?
To check what your marriage is like, whether you should get a divorce or see a psychologist, you can take a fairly simple test. Naturally, there are no ideal marriages, but there are certain periods when there is still an opportunity to correct the mistakes made and return good relationships to the house. The test offers situations that not everyone finds themselves in. But you should try to choose the option that best suits you, what you would do if you were in such a situation.
The test script is provided by the site Tests for Girls
Test: How to become a happy wife? Becoming happy, in principle, is not so difficult, but becoming a happy wife is sometimes an unattainable task.
However, you should not deceive yourself; forgiving your spouse does not guarantee that there will be no new betrayal. In fear of losing financial stability, it is very difficult to decide to divorce, especially if there are children in the marriage.
But it’s very rare for a woman to understand that a child has seen disrespect since childhood in a family where cheating regularly occurs. As they grow up, they notice that dad is unfaithful to mom and consider this to be the norm; later they will begin to build their family according to the same principle.
Reasons why you need to get a divorce
- Violence in family relationships. If your husband hit you once, be sure that this situation will repeat itself and you should not deceive yourself in the hope that he will realize his mistake, because of this you need to get a divorce.
- Constant humiliation of your personality. The psychological state of a person is very difficult to treat, and if your spouse asserts himself at the expense of your suffering, you do not need to endure such a life.
- Partner's bad habits. Craving for alcohol and drug addiction is a common cause of family breakdown. If your chosen one does not want to get out of this state, you have no reason to hold on to such a relationship.
In what situations is it better not to rush into drastic changes?
You have fallen in love with a young, charming and sexy man.
Regardless of the fact that human morals and religious teachings condemn treason, this problem is still relevant to this day.
Many men explain their reasons for cheating by the presence of a primitive instinct. They argue that resistance to masculine nature can cause mental disorder. However, polygamy in a man can be transformed depending on which woman is next to him. Wise wives try to change their image as often as possible and constantly surprise their men.
According to statistics, women resort to infidelity much less often than representatives of the stronger sex, and decide to do this only if they are truly unhappy in their marriage
The reason for female infidelity is the desire to receive male attention, which they lack in family life. Girls should always feel that their appearance attracts the stronger sex
At times, the husband’s same-type compliments become boring, but the courtship of strangers is perceived as proof of demand.
However, most often, when a man finds out about betrayal, he immediately breaks off relations with his wife, while the woman tries to maintain the relationship to the last, forgiving her beloved for many actions.
Irritation5
Another sign that you may be facing divorce may be irritability. It happens that your significant other starts screaming out of nowhere, noticing what you have been doing for years and it has already become a habit.
Or maybe something that you always liked has started to really infuriate and irritate you. But you should understand that maybe you or your spouse have problems at work, or even depression, in this case you don’t need to be offended and blame your significant other for everything, you should try to discuss everything and try to help.
What will people say
Very often, women are deterred from divorce proceedings by public opinion. They are afraid that their surroundings will not support them. Gossip behind your back and sympathetic glances have a negative impact on the situation. Only those who truly wish you well will support you, and you should not pay attention to the opinions of others.
The main thing is not to hide in a shell from your fears, you need to continuously work on them. Have a heart-to-heart talk with a loved one, and in the most difficult cases, do not hesitate to seek help from a psychologist.
