How to avoid divorce and save your family: 5 recommendations from a psychologist

In fairy tales, everything ends with a wedding and the phrase “they lived happily ever after,” but in life, the most interesting things just begin from this significant moment. Not all couples can withstand the test of everyday life, life’s difficulties and minor troubles.

It should be noted that recently there has been a tendency to devalue the institution of marriage, and material values come to the fore for most people. Why put effort into maintaining a relationship when you can make the most of life and enjoy it! If you are not satisfied with your relationship with one partner, you can always find another, more compliant one. So it turns out that the number of divorces is growing exponentially. Although it is worth noting that this step is not so easily resolved, so many people put off the final break for years. Let's consider in detail the situations when it is better to put an end to a relationship, and when you can try to give your chosen one another chance.

Save the family or get a divorce? How many people, so many opinions...

Modern people began to turn to the Internet for any help: how to properly bleach clothes, how to bake fluffy pies, even how to cure a child or how to improve relationships with their husband. Online communities are sites visited by anyone who believes that they can help others with their reasoning or advice. How effective is this?

Once on the Internet, one of the visitors to such a community brought up for discussion her personal situation, in which their conflict with her husband had reached such an extent that he stopped hiding his mistresses and lived his own life, and his wife did not know whether to save her family and endure it, or leave .

It should be noted that such topics cause quite a loud resonance. Someone responds because they themselves have experienced betrayal; some people just like to give advice; Some people sincerely feel sorry for the people in trouble. But there are a lot of comments. Some advise categorically and categorically: “Get a divorce without a doubt! You can’t allow yourself to be humiliated and not be taken into account.” Others recommend loyalty and caution: “What's the point of getting a divorce? What will be proven and to whom? It’s difficult to live alone, especially if you don’t have a job.” Some people recommend turning a blind eye to your husband for the sake of your children. At the same time, they advise you to think about work, income, and then divorce. This way, in their opinion, everything will be less painful.

Some, with a heightened sense of justice and, to some extent, harmfulness, will advise not to get a divorce, but to pay your husband in the same coin - to go out, have a lover, have fun and live “for yourself.” It is not a fact that this will lead to a truce or force the husband to return to the family, but with such a lifestyle, a wife should not be so offended.

Preserving the family for the sake of the children

The vast majority of couples often go through the test of a serious relationship, not wanting to decide to divorce, realizing the disadvantages of loneliness. When the feelings remained, the spouses maintained a warm relationship - difficulties can be overcome if the couple is against divorce and is ready to tolerate certain shortcomings of the partner, understanding why the family was created. But sometimes saving a family is impossible - a divorce is really needed. There are no convincing arguments, but the love has passed. Some continue relationships for the sake of children, although not for long. If the relationship has lost its meaning, and the spouses feel only irritation, is it worth saving the marriage for the sake of the children?

Young children will cope with divorce easier than constantly irritated, unhappy parents. When they separate, the spouses cease to be husband and wife, but remain parents - there is no reason to do otherwise if they wish the best for the child. To make your parents’ divorce as painless as possible, certain rules should be followed:

Children must understand: their parents love them, even if they separate;
It is important to maintain a trusting relationship with a small child. You can’t let the baby withdraw;
Explain that the child is innocent in the divorce;
There are huge benefits to being honest about why parents are getting divorced;
Parents should protect their children from the legal process as much as possible;
According to the legislation of the Russian Federation, children usually remain with their mother. When parents cannot resolve the issue peacefully, they should not drag the child into a divorce for the sake of preserving his mental health, because such a “test” will not be in vain.

Every case is different. We think with our own heads!

In any case, after looking at such comments, the most objective thing you can take away for yourself is the fact that the interlocutor will not be held responsible for any of the advice. Whether to accept the advice or not is up to the author of the problem voiced. If there are any consequences, then it is foolish to think that the advice was given incorrectly. In the end, advice is just that: following it is voluntary.

People will not make mistakes when they can learn to make decisions and realize responsibility for them. There will simply be no one to blame. And the failures or misfortunes that happen in people’s lives must be perceived as something inevitable due to one’s own incorrect behavior or a tragic combination of circumstances. Anything can happen in life, and its course consists of positive and negative moments. By accepting this, you can approach any situation objectively.

People who decide to divorce do so out of a desire to correct the situation and come to a better life. Sometimes the desire to run away from oneself is disguised as a desire to live a new and happy life. Of course, divorce will not be a solution to the problem, but the acquisition of new, more complex and insoluble ones. And some believe that something needs to be done, just not to stand still, not to “go with the flow,” because this is humiliating and a sign of weakness. No, that's not true! Sometimes it is calm, peace and waiting that are necessary to wait out the storm. In theory, inertia is also movement. Only death means the cessation of life as a whole.

If you have thoughts about divorce, then you need to decide on the most important thing: why and why? Will divorce really give you the opportunity to breathe easy and improve your quality of life? Will divorce really provide an opportunity to achieve new goals?

What do psychologists think about divorce?

When people think about divorce, they not only consult with their loved ones, but also try on their life experiences. And this is fraught with the fact that the experience may not always be successful. If a sister or friend’s marriage ended in divorce, this does not mean that divorce will also be a solution to someone else’s problems. If you listen to an objective and intelligent opinion, then you need a sound mind and an independent party who will not react emotionally to the problem, but will suggest the best way to level out the circumstances. And such a person can become a psychologist.

In cases where the relationship between spouses has reached a dead end, psychologists have an excellent way to understand themselves: “Cartesian questions.” By answering a number of questions and arranging your thoughts in a certain way, you can significantly understand your feelings and thoughts. These questions are listed below.

Question: What will happen if you do this? We must try to foresee the situation several steps ahead and predict all possible consequences.
What won't happen if you do this? In this case, it is also necessary to think through everything that could happen if you do not dare to make a decision.
What won't happen if you don't do this? It is important to think about this option, which involves doing something differently, not getting a divorce (after all, we are considering a decision on divorce). Sometimes, when the mind is clouded by emotions, a person may not see a simple and effective solution to a problem that lies on the surface. In the end, if you change yourself, then a divorce may not be necessary. What if your spouse expected exactly this from you? So there will be no conflict, and divorce will not be required.
What will happen if you don't do this? Well, finally, we need to consider this option. What can a situation that you want to get out of through divorce lead to? What happens if you wait?

As part of this method, it is necessary to force a person to look at himself from the outside and adequately assess his own place in life. This requires an assessment of the values that surround you: work, children, relatives, career, financial condition, finally. How will all this change without a husband/wife and what is more expensive in comparison?

Often, material values become the main comparative factor. It turns out that a person has to choose between pride and financial situation. Spouses do not always have a completely independent position (for such, by the way, there are no reasons for divorce), and one of them “pulls” the whole family and not only. The loss of material ground may be a more significant problem for the initiator of divorce, so one has to put up with humiliation and endure. Or gain financial independence for yourself and your children.

Sometimes the help of a psychologist, who will make you look at the situation with completely new eyes, turns out to be useful in order to make the right decision for yourself. And it’s true - every person has the opportunity not to change the situation, but to change their attitude towards it. It happens that seeming evil can actually bring good. What if you can change yourself, bend a little (for your own sake!) to suit your existing husband and life will seem not so bad. After all, when deciding to divorce, there is no guarantee that the new marriage will be successful or that single life will be easy. Or a new marriage may not happen, and the eternal search will lead to protracted depression, under the weight of which divorce will seem like a huge mistake and a hasty decision.

Let's look at divorce philosophically

If we consider any family problem from a philosophical point of view, then there are no uniquely bad or uniquely happy situations. There are people and their specific attitude to each topic.

Many women believe that divorce will bring them great happiness and relief. Divorce will provide an opportunity not only to become independent, but also to start life anew without repeating mistakes. Divorce will be a relief from endless irritation and insults.

In the end, it turns out that her departure didn’t really upset anyone (it hits the ego, right?). Moreover, the divorce became the reason for aggressive behavior on the part of the husband, an increase in problems and hassle, reproaches from the children (after all, dad is just an angel and the injured party with them), lack of money and no personal life.

And yet it’s worth trying to save the family!

It turns out that life is broken in marriage, and after divorce it only gets worse. What does this mean? This suggests that not all problems are too difficult to overcome. Divorce is the lot of weak and lazy people. Since a test is given to the family, it must be passed together. Of course, immoral and asocial types, criminal individuals and mentally unstable people are not taken into account.

At the same time, maybe you shouldn’t demand such a desire for the ideal from your loved ones? Dissatisfaction with your spouse over trifles, and then the desire to divorce him in order to start a new life with a new person is dishonest. And such actions do not bring happiness. Perhaps we need to understand that men also have to endure us women. And when they take on mistresses, we should not rush to blame them, but look in the mirror - what is he missing in us? In the end, everything can be resolved, everything can be agreed upon, relationships can be sorted out, for that matter. There is no need to rush to burn bridges.

Why there is a crisis in relationships

Crises in family relationships are a common occurrence. For some, they occur immediately after marriage, for others - after a certain period.

The most popular causes of crises:

The monotony of life. At the very beginning of a relationship, they contain unearthly passion and other ardent feelings. The lovers feel like they are getting to know each other for the first time. And indeed it is. They, as a rule, do not live together yet. And even if living together does happen, it cannot harm, because the young couple still enjoys communicating with each other. And when married life begins, people are already fed up with their partner’s company. Joint worries and troubles appear. The routine begins. Every day becomes similar to the previous one (breakfast, work, dinner, lessons with the child, money worries and much more). Some people are happy with this situation, others are not. If people are not ready for variety in their everyday life, to be interesting for their significant other, then they become bored with each other. And then partners can begin to look for something interesting on the side, in the company of friends, in a different environment, outside the home. Misunderstandings arise and betrayals occur. Most often, women suffer more in these stories because the man is free to move. And the wife has responsibilities towards the children. She cannot behave like her husband. And then grievances contribute even more to the manifestations of the crisis.
Material difficulties. If there is not enough money, then financial problems begin. Not every couple is ready to overcome them together or even separately. If a girl is used to spending money and does not know how to save, then her husband begins to reproach her for squandering and does not always agree to additional expenses. The wife begins to become dissatisfied with the current situation - crises arise. Today, young families often take out a mortgage. Such a loan, of course, takes up a significant portion of the wife’s and husband’s income. And if there is no one to help them, then the mortgage becomes a stumbling block. For example, a woman always wants to look beautiful, she wants to buy new things, jewelry, etc. But there is not enough money. And, let’s say, the husband is not ready or does not want to earn more. He begins to scold his wife for the fact that she cannot tolerate (and endure for 20-25 years!) - and so quarrels and scandals arise again. Or the wife rushes to earn extra money, and then reproaches her husband for earning more than her husband. The ground is favorable for a crisis. In general, here a young family needs to calculate its strength before taking out loans. We need to understand who is capable of what. Can a husband earn more? Is the spouse ready to save, etc.
Fading passion. The sexual side of marriage is also crucial for the development of family relationships. It is clear that over time, sex for many people becomes a fulfillment of marital duty. The wife is often busy with children and does not always pay attention to the man’s needs. Many women generally do not tolerate variety in sex and do not want to try anything new. Also, some wives stop taking care of themselves. Husbands often don’t like this arrangement. And they either become irritated or look for something more interesting on the side. This is how a crisis begins in family relationships.
Reluctance or inability to have children. This is a very common reason. Typically, people do not know in advance whether they can have children when they get married. No one is specifically examined for this. And then, when the need for children appears, mutual claims begin. It is rare for one spouse to remain married if the other is infertile. Also, not everyone agrees to artificial insemination, if possible. And it is very rare that a child is adopted from an orphanage by mutual consent (more often - if both are infertile). However, there are cases in which a husband and wife can have children, but one does not want this (burden themselves with responsibility, delay the timing of conception, etc.). And then conflicts also begin that lead to a crisis in relationships.

If divorce cannot be avoided...

If there is no other thought than divorce, and it is necessary for peace of mind, then here is a comment from a psychologist. Indeed, there are “borderline” moments when divorce will be good for both, and also a path to peace.

So, if sex doesn’t make you happy, doesn’t bring you closer, doesn’t give you orgasm and heat like before, you should get a divorce. Life will become gray, and mutual dissatisfaction will still lead to the presence of love “on the side.” There will still be scandals and divorce. It’s better to avoid unnecessary loss of nerve cells.

If family life has turned into a heavy duty that does not bring pleasure; if the spouses have no common interests, except for obligations to children, or communication by inertia, it is worth getting a divorce. It will just be even more boring and bland. And it’s not far from irritability. And there is nothing worse than someone next to you who is annoying.

If the family becomes a burden: you have to send your wife shopping on the weekend with a driver, or send your wife and child to rest without personal presence, or spend as little time as possible at home for various reasons. These are all signs of fading love and interest. Not to mention basic respect for each other.

As we see, scandals are not at all necessary to get a divorce. The separation of spouses, alienation, difference of interests - and living together becomes a burden. By turning to a psychologist, you can help yourself put together the entire chain of behavior in order to understand your mistakes. Perhaps some errors will be corrected, but this may not lead to a re-approach. Therefore, it is better not to torture each other and get a civilized divorce. Then the friendship will continue. It is beneficial for both and not so painful.

Causes of family collapse

Finding the preservation of the family impossible, the couple are going to decide to purchase a separate home. area, gaining financial independence, developing the next relationship (if possible) - this certainly presents pros and cons. After all, having ended the relationship unofficially, for the state the couple remains husband and wife with the same responsibilities. Divorce is an official matter and a court is needed, because there is no other way to dissolve the marriage. Disadvantages and arguments in favor of maintaining a marriage – social loneliness/increased vulnerability of divorced couples. It’s not for nothing that they say that “Together we are strong” – it’s hard to argue against that.

Women are often afraid to remain with a small child without support.

The phrase “I want to get a divorce” usually implies good reasons. According to statistics, these are the following reasons:

Failed sexual compatibility test;
Treason;
Physical, psychological, sexual violence;
Bad habits;
Coldness, indifference;
No stable financial situation, jealousy, infertility.

There are enough reasons to break off a relationship - here are three main groups:

Frivolous attitude towards marriage. Young people take the conclusion of an alliance very lightly - it seems like an interesting test that is easy to decide on. Seeing only the advantages of marriage, young people are against official relationships and marriage contracts. The desire to maintain independence, the unwillingness to tolerate the disadvantages of relationships, and to take on serious obligations, lead to the breakup of a third of families if the views remain the same. Sometimes spouses say “No, I don’t like you, I want to get a divorce” – already six months after the wedding.
Unpreparedness of spouses for marriage. Often couples are poorly aware that creating a family imposes certain restrictions and social responsibility. If you keep your old habits, the marriage may fall apart; a compromise is needed. A young family often fails the life test - it does not have the necessary qualities to maintain positive relationships.
Unfulfilled hopes. Family life does not correspond well to the expectations of the spouses, who have little understanding of why they got together. Different interests, maintaining the usual lifestyle before marriage, bad habits, inability to provide for the family, create comfort, change behavior. Finding out the negative sides of the chosen one, sometimes the spouse says, “No, I’m against further relationships, so I’m thinking about divorcing my husband - and no one will stop me, even if they want to” - preserving the family becomes an irrelevant priority, the advantages of the relationship fade.