Together or separately
Opinions are divided on the question of whether it is worth saving a marriage for the sake of a child. Some people believe that children need to live with mom and dad, no matter what happens. Others are of the opinion that unfavorable relationships in the family have a negative impact on the child and can give him the wrong idea about family life.
There are various situations in life when spouses have to get a divorce. However, children are not always happy about this outcome of events. Almost every child wants his mom and dad to be together. And absolutely all children want to grow up in a full-fledged family.
Possible problems during divorce
Many have to endure for the sake of each other’s children. Of course, it is good for children to live in a family where understanding and harmony reign. If parents fight regularly, the child will feel unhappy. For children, strained relationships between mom and dad cause enormous stress, which can have a negative impact on their development.
As a result, most parents come to the decision that it is time to get a divorce. The child most often stays with his mother. And the man does not fulfill his paternal role in raising joint children. And even if it does, it doesn’t do it fully. The role of a mother is very significant in the life of every child, but without a father, raising a boy to be a real man is quite difficult. Unfortunately, a woman cannot always cope with such a difficult task.
After a divorce, some parents tend to turn their children against each other. In such a situation, I feel very sorry for the children who, without wanting to themselves, become judges of their parents.
Decide to save your marriage
Many men sometimes have to live with an unloved woman for the sake of a child. Unfortunately, children are unplanned, but they should not suffer because of this. Parents who decide to preserve the marriage bond must understand that this is serious work. First, the spouses need to improve their relationship with each other. And only after this will it be possible to raise the child harmoniously.
According to the life stories of various families, it is much easier to maintain real relationships than to build new ones. In a new family, you will need to do the same work in order to build a full-fledged relationship with your new husband or wife. And if it doesn’t work out again, there will be a big risk of repeating it all over again.
She's not confident in herself
When a woman is left alone, it affects her self-esteem. She will feel a sense of guilt : “Why couldn’t I build all this?” And it will not immediately come to the realization that I am beautiful, interesting, and there are many other men around, and you can meet each other and further develop new relationships.
At the same time, for example, she already has a child or several children, and this complicates her situation. Thoughts appear about who needs me with other people’s children. For the father of the children, these are his children, and who needs children from his first marriage? And this causes a lot of doubts, a lot of self-doubt.
Also, a woman may not break off a relationship, even when things are really bad, because she is afraid to admit to herself that it was a mistake. She's afraid to admit that maybe she never loved this man. After all, people enter into union not only because of great love. There are many other options.
Someone chose this because of material need, for example, or because she was young and did not understand what kind of man she needed. And only when they started living together, I realized that I had no real feelings for him.
I live with my husband for the sake of the child
Often it is women who cling to the fragments of the fragile happiness of marriage. And often it is children who are the main link in this process.
Women most often try to save their marriage for the following reasons:
- Financial dependence on a spouse.
- Fear of being alone with children.
- Hope that the relationship can be restored.
- Fear of being guilty in the eyes of your daughter and son for failing to save the family.
- Subconscious choice of the role of the victim.
- Looking for reasons to keep things the same.
Spouses often forget that there is no one person to blame in a relationship. This is solely the “merit” of both sides.
Mom minus dad
– Marina, is it necessary to save the family for the sake of the child or not?
– In general, the short answer here is that it’s not worth it. Because the atmosphere in the family affects everyone, including the child. Therefore, if you cannot live with each other, you suffer yourself and you torture your partner, then this relationship is painful for everyone. Everyone suffers – both children and adults.
Often the child takes the blame for the fact that the parents quarrel and considers himself to blame. Often the parents themselves provoke this feeling of guilt in him, taking it out on the child - they live and suffer with each other for his sake. And even if it is not said out loud, the child reads these non-verbal messages.
As a result, life in the family turns into hell. And it’s even harder for children in hell.
“However, any child, even if his parents fight constantly, having learned that they are going to divorce, will still beg not to do this. After all, by and large, any child is better and calmer when both parents are nearby.
– You as parents are still forever connected through the child. And when people break up, they break up as a man and a woman, and not as a father and mother. And, of course, divorce is not a reason to abandon a child and his upbringing. It is important to build a new relationship with both your ex-partner and your child so that both participate in his upbringing.
“But sometimes it’s very difficult to do this.” Most of us get divorced when they can no longer see each other. And they continue to maintain this reluctance to see each other in the future, and therefore do not maintain any relationship. Many mothers do not allow their ex-husbands to see their children at all. What kind of co-education is that...
– Yes, indeed, a child is often used as a tool to take revenge on her husband. But in such a family, even without divorce, relationships are painful. There are many games played there that are destructive to the child’s psyche. But children absorb everything like a sponge and learn to build relationships from your example. And if you are unhappy, then your children will build the same painful relationships in the future. It seems to us that if we maintain the appearance of a family, then it will be easier for the child to build a family. But actually it is not. Because if the family has turned into hell, then the child in adulthood will only be able to reproduce hell.
Child as cover
Saving a marriage for the sake of children is sometimes just an excuse to cover up your reluctance to divorce your spouse. In such a situation, a woman should understand the true reasons for her desire to save the family. Sometimes representatives of the fair sex do not want to lose their comfort zone. In addition, there is a fear of loneliness. As a result, covering as a child leads to the victim's path, and then to a dead end.
Unfortunately, the continuation of the relationship between spouses in the future can negatively affect the children. A woman in an emotional outburst may reproach her child for sacrificing her happiness for his sake. And the worst thing is that she herself begins to believe in it.
Torture for children
Is it worth saving a marriage for the sake of a child? Psychologists say that children have a very hard time enduring regular quarrels and conflicts in the family, as well as problems that are hushed up under the false smiles of their parents. Children, like teenagers, have a very subtle sense of pretense and deception.
Children often tend to feel guilty because of mom and dad's quarrels. For this reason, children tend to withdraw into themselves. They often become nervous and irritable.
The value of marriage for a child
Is it worth living with your husband for the sake of a child? It is very important for children to realize that they have a mother and father. The stamp in the passport plays a secondary role for them. The child should feel that his parents love him and are happy to take part in his life.
In most full-fledged families, children see their dad only on weekends, since he spends most of his time in the office and working. This means that he is not always aware of the children’s lives and their interests.
When a family is on the verge of divorce, interest in the child’s life becomes less. Therefore, sometimes it happens that divorce can change the situation for the better. But only if the parents can competently agree on further participation in the child’s life.
What kills love in a relationship?
If you are wondering how to save a family on the verge of divorce, then first you need to find out exactly why love dies even in the strongest relationships. After all, most often it is the loss of tender feelings that provokes spouses to engage in mutual reproaches or even insults, which destroy trust between partners. The list below presents the 8 main reasons identified by psychologists that lead to the death of love.
- Household routine. The most common reason, since absolutely every couple faces it. Sooner or later, young people have to move in together, after which romantic walks are replaced by dinner in the kitchen, and work and various household chores act as an “alternative” to travel. As a result, partners simply do not have time to show feelings, which gradually leads to their withering.
- Mutual disrespect. When we first get to know a partner, we try to carefully select our words so that God forbid we don’t say something unnecessary and thereby offend the object of our adoration. However, over time, people learn a little more about the person and gain confidence that they will stay together forever. This becomes a reason for expressing dissatisfaction in the rudest form, which sooner or later leads to mutual disrespect.
- Constant insults and reproaches. No one can fully live up to the expectations of their other half. Some people simply cannot come to terms with their partner’s shortcomings, so they try to present themselves as a victim so that their loved one feels uncomfortable. However, who would be pleased to live with a person who always reproaches you and is offended by all sorts of little things? Because of this, love begins to fade over time.
- Material difficulties. Unfortunately, quite a few partners enter into marriage without achieving financial stability. Debts, loans, living in the same apartment with parents - all this can provoke various kinds of circumstances that will allow you to reproach your partner for something. In addition, the constant lack of money puts pressure on one’s nerves all the time and inevitably causes various conflicts and disputes in relationships.
- Different views on family. In some cases, it happens that a man wants to see his wife as a housewife who will spend the whole day in the kitchen and break off her relationships with all her friends. However, not every young lady will put up with this state of affairs, even for the sake of a loved one. Some individuals want to be connected by family ties, but also spend some time communicating with other people.
- Cheating on one of the spouses. There can be a huge number of reasons for this. However, the very fact of betrayal will always provoke various scandals and quarrels. Even if the injured party manages to forgive her love, she will most likely bring up her lover's mistakes from time to time to make him feel guilty. Most often, without the help of a psychologist, this state of affairs leads to divorce.
- Various life challenges. It's no secret that there are many problems in the world that we have to deal with. However, if partners cannot overcome all adversities together, then one of them will begin to feel disadvantaged, since the entire burden of responsibility lies only with him. Sometimes people in love want to see that their significant other is trying to help them with all his might, and not just sitting on the couch.
- Psychological deviations. Well, the last reason that can provoke the loss of former feelings is various mental disorders. This may include a tendency to depression, schizophrenia, dissociative identity disorder, paranoia, etc. Unfortunately, not all individuals are able to get along with a partner who changes his mood every day like gloves.
Now that you know about the main reasons that destroy love in a relationship, it’s time to learn how to save a family. The advice from psychologists given in the following sections will allow you to understand this issue in more detail. However, do not forget that situations can be different, as well as the people who find themselves in them. Sometimes you have to take into account the character traits of your partner.
Happy parents raise happy children
Is it worth saving a marriage for the sake of a child? It's not just about children when it comes to relationships between spouses. In no case should you get divorced due to minor difficulties, which can arise in almost all relationships. A person should come to such a decision thoughtfully and only if he is absolutely sure that he has done everything to save the marriage. This is the only way there is a chance to preserve what has been built for so long.
The atmosphere of love and joy in the family teaches the child to be a happy person and create positivity around him. Of course, there are certain types of temperament, but the ability to be happy is a skill.
Looking at an unhappy mom and dad, a child tends to adopt their mood. In the future, a child who grew up in such a family will accept unhappiness as an absolute norm, and will also look for reasons for this condition.
Start with yourself
“What to do to save the family?” – this question can be heard quite often in the office of a family therapist. No matter how trivial it may sound, but first of all you should try to find the root of all troubles within yourself. After all, most partners simply begin to blame their lover for all mortal sins, which is strongly not recommended, even if you managed to encounter your wife’s betrayal.
How to save a family when it seems that all responsibility for the troubles lies with your partner? Just try to face the truth. In absolutely all cases, both people are to blame for the loss of love. Even if one of them cheated, it means that the other simply did not pay enough attention to him. Therefore, learn to see the root of evil within yourself. Well, constant accusations of the other half will not give anything useful - you can be sure.
How to decide to divorce your husband
Of course, deciding to divorce is very difficult, even if there are many reasons for this. Before making such a responsible decision, a woman must:
- It is good to think about whether the reasons for divorce are truly compelling. If the problem lies in accumulated everyday issues, grievances, or the emergence of attraction to another man, then time is needed in order not to “break the woods.” But if a woman has been thinking about this decision for a long time, and life together with her husband has turned into a nightmare, then it is probably better to leave.
- Visit a family psychologist. Try to tell him everything that worries you. An experienced specialist will not only help solve your problems, but also give practical advice regarding a possible divorce from your husband.
- Do not neglect the advice of an experienced lawyer. It is important to prepare for all possible difficulties that may arise during the divorce process.
- Discuss your decision with your husband. Explain to him in detail all the reasons that contributed to the decision to divorce. Try to separate peacefully, since you have children together, so you will often see each other and cross paths.
- Talk to loved ones and family. Enlist their understanding and support, which is so necessary for a woman divorcing her husband.
- Before considering information about how to decide to divorce your husband, you should make your plans for the future. To survive a breakup, it is advisable for a woman to imagine all the consequences. It is necessary to clearly develop a picture of what you will do, who you will communicate with and whose help you can count on. There is no need to be afraid of problems, because even in the most difficult situations there is always a way out.
- Remember that there is always a chance to be happy!
You can save your family
Together for the sake of the children? Some marriages can be saved, and not only because there is a child in the family. Many married couples have to go through a period of crisis in their relationship. And if the problems and issues that arise are not resolved in a timely manner, they will become an obstacle to a long and common life. Before the situation goes too far, you can find a lot of options for resuscitating the relationship.
Advice from a psychologist to save a family:
- Over time, spouses stop seeing each other as individuals. With the passage of time, the arrangement of everyday life, and the solution of current issues, the other half begins to be viewed from the position of: obliged. A man should take part in raising children, earn money and help. The wife must have time to clean, cook, take care of the child and look good. For some time, lovers begin to forget about the existence of common interests and hobbies. It is human nature to worry, be happy and sad, but this seems insignificant to the other half. In such a situation, it is very important to realize in time that next to you there is a person with his own interests, experiences and joys. It is this approach that will help save the family in such a situation.
- Ability to communicate with each other on both professional and family topics. No emotions or resentments should interfere with your conversations. You should start a conversation with words such as: “I”, “me”, “me”, etc. You should not immediately demand an answer from your partner at the beginning of the conversation. Of course, it is quite difficult, but the result is worth it.
- Over time, spouses may accumulate irritation towards each other. Try to analyze the human qualities that your spouse lacks. Then remember all the positive qualities for which you fell in love with him. Over time, we tend to stop noticing the good. It is very important to compliment your significant other as often as possible. Help each other, and the weather in your home will clear up.
- If you are sure that you will not be able to cope with your problems on your own, then perhaps you should seek help from a family psychologist. There is nothing wrong with this if you are really determined to save your family.
Save the family or get a divorce? How many people, so many opinions...
Modern people began to turn to the Internet for any help: how to properly bleach clothes, how to bake fluffy pies, even how to cure a child or how to improve relationships with their husband. Online communities are sites visited by anyone who believes that they can help others with their reasoning or advice. How effective is this?
Once on the Internet, one of the visitors to such a community brought up for discussion her personal situation, in which their conflict with her husband had reached such an extent that he stopped hiding his mistresses and lived his own life, and his wife did not know whether to save her family and endure it, or leave .
It should be noted that such topics cause quite a loud resonance. Someone responds because they themselves have experienced betrayal; some people just like to give advice; Some people sincerely feel sorry for the people in trouble. But there are a lot of comments. Some advise categorically and categorically: “Get a divorce without a doubt! You can’t allow yourself to be humiliated and not be taken into account.” Others recommend loyalty and caution: “What's the point of getting a divorce? What will be proven and to whom? It’s difficult to live alone, especially if you don’t have a job.” Some people recommend turning a blind eye to your husband for the sake of your children. At the same time, they advise you to think about work, income, and then divorce. This way, in their opinion, everything will be less painful.
Some, with a heightened sense of justice and, to some extent, harmfulness, will advise not to get a divorce, but to pay your husband in the same coin - to go out, have a lover, have fun and live “for yourself.” It is not a fact that this will lead to a truce or force the husband to return to the family, but with such a lifestyle, a wife should not be so offended.
Family and Children Help Center
Every person, regardless of their position in society or financial status, may need psychological help. As practice shows, people tend to look at each other through the prism of emotions, therefore, to solve some problems, an outside perspective is very important. In case of family conflicts, the family and children assistance center can provide serious psychological support. It is a specialist in this field who will help you look at the situation from a different angle and find a solution even when the parties no longer count on reconciliation.
Most people find it very difficult to cope with the stress of divorce. You can discuss all your concerns with a psychologist and get professional help.
Sometimes children suffer greatly due to negativity in the family. For this reason, there may be difficulties in raising them. The center's psychologist will be able to help mothers in raising children and understanding their behavior. Don’t let the situation take its course, and don’t try to change everything yourself when it doesn’t work out for a long time.
You should not have a negative attitude towards a psychologist. This is not a doctor who will diagnose you. A psychologist will assess your situation from the outside and give useful advice for resolving absolutely any problems and conflict situations.
The need for divorce
Often the reason for divorce is the husband's aggression. Then the question of whether it is worth saving the family or not is not discussed. Unjust violence cannot be tolerated. Danger to physical/mental health is a reason to get a divorce - is family life a test of survival? Physical violence, systematic humiliation, pressure are accompanied by pathological jealousy and the desire to control.
The ban on working, meeting with friends, checking phone calls, and the requirement to keep receipts for money spent are common aspects of the aggressor’s personality.
If you become a victim of domestic violence, you should seek legal help. A professional will help speed up the legal process and take care of the client’s safety. When faced with domestic violence, you need to remember simple rules:
- Don't wait for extremes. At the first signs of violence, it is better to move in with relatives and friends - saying a firm “no” to the tyrant. If aggression occurs, complain to law enforcement agencies and film the beatings. The more evidence, the easier it is to prove the fact of violence;
- Sometimes you have to run away from your spouse. It is necessary to collect documents, money, medicines, important things in advance;
- Making the necessary effort to avoid your ex-spouse is a serious test of character.
Contact specialists. If there is no money, a victim of violence can receive professional advice free of charge. Social centers that help victims of domestic aggression offer help from a psychologist, a lawyer, and provide temporary housing and employment. If you are confused, it is better to entrust the divorce to an experienced lawyer - perhaps he will convincingly explain, preserving the family, why you should not get a divorce. The specialist will advise where to submit the application (registry office, court), what documents a divorce requires, how to speed up the process, and tell you about the rights of the spouses. The court may delay the divorce, giving the spouses the opportunity to reconcile.
Attention! Due to recent changes in legislation, the legal information in this article may be out of date! Our lawyer can advise you free of charge - write your question in the form below:
