Divorce: pros and cons. Is an unhappy marriage worth fighting for?

Divorce: spacewalk

At the same time, it is increasingly obvious that, despite the culture that ascribes commercialism to women, it is women who take care of sick children and relatives, and it is they who more often remain with frail spouses.
And if a man files for divorce, as a rule, because he has found another partner, women are much more likely to leave because they are tired and disappointed.

Unfortunately, in situations where a person initiates a divorce, he does not receive support from family and friends.

What do you need to know about female divorce in order to properly support your friend or seek help?

1. As a rule, if a woman filed for divorce or got divorced, for the last few months or even years, she has lived under overstrain, both emotional and physical: often men, upon learning about a woman’s decision to divorce, do not begin to fight for her, but behave completely different: rare moments with attempts to portray romance alternate with threats to take away the children, disgrace them at work or leave them without money, manipulation, blackmail, a demonstrative refusal to do at least something around the house in order to “understand”, scandals, and sometimes threats of physical harm or sexual assault.

This means that a woman needs rest after a divorce.

2. If a woman has small children, in most cases after a divorce she needs material and domestic support - in most cases, ex-husbands do not pay alimony or pay minimal amounts, meet with children on weekends or do not meet at all.

The European scenario with joint custody, the need to rent an apartment in the area of ​​the child’s school, and so on is very rare.

Therefore, if you can help a friend with everyday life, finding a job or a child, this will be a big help.

3. As a rule, she experiences the trauma of loss.

It doesn’t matter whether she left herself or her husband left, quite often this is accompanied by either a break in close relationships, or betrayal, or fraud. The trauma of loss is not the same as loneliness, do not rush (and do not rush) into a new relationship - it is likely to become reactive, that is, it will either turn out to be an attempt to find a man “everyone is better” (often leading to disappointment), or a new man will become the “complete opposite” (also rarely a good option).

The trauma of loss is not the same as loneliness, do not rush (and do not rush) into a new relationship - it is likely to become reactive, that is, it will either turn out to be an attempt to find a man “everyone is better” (often leading to disappointment), or a new man will become the “complete opposite” (also rarely a good option).

It often takes time to come to your senses, relax and understand what you want to do next.

If the ex-husband has particularly distinguished himself in some way (for example, he cheated on a serial basis, sold family property, or used physical or sexual violence), then sometimes it is impossible to do without a psychologist in order to begin to trust men at least a little.

So, it is important to remember: even if a woman has filed for divorce herself, she is often completely exhausted, traumatized and in need of help and support. A good friend, able to listen, support and be there - without judgment and stories about “you'll meet someone else, even better” - is one of the most important supports in such a situation. published by econet.ru

A good friend, able to listen, support and be there - without judgment and stories about “you'll meet someone else, even better” - is one of the most important supports in such a situation.

PS And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! econet

Good news for divorced parents

If you are part of the 50% of the population that is divorced, know that you are not alone. Half of all marriages result in divorce. This is not good news.

The good news is that, according to research by Michael Lamb, up to 80% of children show zero negative effects from their parents' divorce. [1]

This means that 20% will have problems in their divorce. Those in this 20% are given help and support so there is hope for you and your baby.

Just keep reading to learn more and find ways to get the help your child may need.

Reasons for divorce

In the cold language of jurisprudence, divorce is viewed as just a dissolution of marriage. But behind the divorce stamp there are problems, conflicts, tears, resentments and a lot of negative and destructive things.

There can be several reasons for divorce:

1. Alcohol abuse or drug use by one of the spouses.
2. Inability to build your own life due to lack of your own housing.
3. Inclusion of relatives of spouses (mother-in-law, mother-in-law and others) into the life of a young family.
4. Inability to have children.
5. Forced long-term separation of spouses.
6. Imprisonment of one of the spouses.
7. Serious long-term illness of one of the spouses.
8. Treason.
9. Irresponsible attitude towards family responsibilities of one of the spouses.
10. Domestic violence.
11. Constant conflicts.

Sometimes it happens that the reason for divorce is a total divergence of interests of a married couple, often mutually exclusive hobbies of the spouses, leading to protracted conflicts

The reason cannot be unimportant or frivolous. Behind each of them there are deep feelings and attempts to change something in the relationship.

And if you once admit the thought of divorce, then like a snowball it will become overgrown with arguments and ideas about another life until it ruins the existing relationship.

For every woman who has gone through a divorce process, there comes a “tomorrow outside of marriage.” What's there?

Bonus: What to Consider Before Divorce

According to the Institute for Family Research, which studied 2,000 divorced couples, the top three reasons people get divorced are: [2]

• No obligation
• Too many conflicts or arguments
• Infidelity or extramarital affairs

In fact, abuse cited as a reason for divorce makes up a small percentage.

If the cause is a lack of commitment in your situation, then seek help. Don't give up on marriage.

Seek professional help from a marriage counselor

Read "Everything You Need to Know Before Seeing a Marriage Counselor" for help finding a marriage counselor.

Seek professional help before seeking a divorce lawyer. You can save your relationship and your family at the same time.

When the reason for divorce is discussed, many couples believe that divorce will help the children because they will be subject to less arguing. The constant yelling, screaming and arguing may end with divorce.

However, has healing or resolution actually occurred? You may be teaching your child that instead of working through a difficult situation, you walk away.

Improve your conflict resolution skills

Who's to say you get along better after a divorce? Will your conflict resolution skills magically improve when you get divorced? How about the idea of ​​working on your conflict resolution skills before you go through with the divorce?

The problem is not the argument. The problem is your conflict resolution skills.

You may have disagreements. This is normal in any relationship. How you handle disagreements is most important. It is important that you, your spouse, and your children witness disagreements that good conflict resolution skills are practiced in your household.

If you can learn healthy conflict resolution skills for your marriage, you can set an example for your child on how to properly resolve disagreements. You can also save your marriage at the same time.

Check out this article for practical tips on conflict resolution: The Secret to Effective Conflict Resolution: The IBR Approach

Again, if you are unable to develop these skills alone or as a couple, then seek professional help from a marriage counselor.

Pros and cons of a divorced man in a relationship.

It’s a rare woman who will say that divorce in her man’s biography is nothing. At a minimum, the unsuccessful experience of his family life is perceived with alarm.

After all, a divorced man

- this, on the one hand, is a lot of positive aspects, and on the other hand, there are many difficulties for the woman who is going to become his new second half...

Disadvantages of a relationship with a divorced man:

In the life baggage of a divorced man

– the whole set of impressions from life with a woman. And what is most often remembered (by tradition) is the bad. That is, hysterics, whims, mismatch of characters, “where is the money, Van?”, “I want a new fur coat,” etc. And parallels between a past life and the present are instantly drawn by a divorced man

In order not to suddenly hear “all of you women ...” and not become another “ex”, you have to carefully choose your words and be careful in your actions.

A man who has been burned once is reluctant to enter into a new relationship.

And if he joined, there will be no rush to propose marriage. Relationships can last for quite a long time at the sluggish stage of “let me come to you today.”

If he was the initiator of the divorce,

then the thought will haunt you for a long time - “what if this happens to me too.”

If the initiator of the divorce was his wife, then this “sore callus” will take a long time to heal, and your task is to heal it so that there are no scars left

Unfortunately, it is a common situation when new “love” is just a means to forget the old one. Such relationships can lead nowhere except to a dead end.

If there are children in the marriage,

you'll have to accept his frequent visits to his ex-wife, and the fact that his children will be a pretty big part of his life—always.

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A divorced man is accustomed to a certain way of life

and the role of women in it. If your ex-wife washed his socks by holding them together with a pin, and you just throw them into the washing machine, he will involuntarily compare you. And not always in your favor.

If he regularly complains to you about his ex

and is looking for sympathy, and you indulge him and generously sprinkle this very sympathy with a spoonful, then sooner or later he will begin to look for a woman who will see in him not a wimp with an infectious ex-wife, but a real macho.

Benefits of dating a divorced man:

• He knows the value of a serious relationship.
  He will not rush, but if the relationship begins, the knot will be strong.
• He knows what a woman wants,
  how to calm her down, what pitfalls to avoid, where to put removed socks and remove the toothpaste cap.
• He has serious sexual experience.
  According to statistics, a divorced man is more liberated and “talented” in sex than a man who is married for the first time.
• He drew conclusions from his first family experience.
  It’s a rare case that a man will step on the same rake again. Therefore, he himself will make mistakes extremely rarely, and he won’t let you either - he already knows how to “predict” the weather in the house, tame his personal “dragon” in a skirt and cure a woman’s anger with kisses.

Why shouldn't the divorce be delayed?

In my professional opinion, divorce should not be delayed. The consequences of this can be very different. Let me give you an example from the latest on the topic “Delay the divorce.”

My husband approached me with a request to file for a divorce from his wife in Russia. The court ordered a divorce, but the wife appealed. While the appeal was pending, my client tragically died. As a result, the divorce did not take effect, and the wife's status is a widow, not an ex-wife. As a widow, she has the right to inheritance. My client, who could not even imagine that he would die untimely, but knew for sure that he did not want his wife to be his heir, prudently, a few weeks before his death, made a will in favor of the child from his first marriage. Thus, the wife was excluded from the number of heirs. However, there are situations when the wife inherits regardless of the contents of the will.

In order to protect your property and exclude your unloved spouse from the list of heirs, it is highly advisable to promptly dissolve your marriage with this spouse. Divorce cannot be delayed. A dissolution of marriage ensures that the former spouse receives nothing in the event of the death of the second spouse.

About the advantages of divorce from the point of view of the interests of the child

Let's skip the cons that everyone understands, okay? I want to write about what is good for a child in this situation. In general, I always try to find the positive in everything, even in the most difficult cases. And here they are, in my opinion, obvious. What does it have to do with both parents?

The first and most important plus:

It’s as if you are rediscovering your child, you begin to love much stronger, deeper. Because I want to protect him, protect him from negativity, give him more than before, because everything has changed now. The child is now the closest, most important person in life. Personally, I, a person not obsessed with motherhood, and generally not very fond of children, playing, entertaining, etc., now I just enjoy being around her, I can look at her for hours, listen, hug her. It was as if I had rediscovered what it was like to be a mother.

You begin to love your child more consciously. And from this awareness comes the second plus.

The child is no longer yours 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: he is often located or lives in another place.
When time with your child is limited, you no longer look at your phone; when you are close, you participate in his games, listen to what he says, and appreciate every minute together.
Do you want to get the most out of communication? Show/teach more.

Third plus:

Due to the frequent change of scenery, the child develops faster, and also a kind of exit from the comfort zone forces him to be more mature, tolerant, look at things more philosophically, analyze, listen to others.

Fourth plus:

parents stop dragging the child into their frustrations, or, even worse, taking it out on the child.
Very often, children witness terrible scenes between parents, screams, tears. Alice has never seen scandals. But I probably felt my inner unhappiness, apathy, and nervousness. An unhappy person will not be able to give as much to his child as a happy person can give.
A calm parent is better than a frantic one.

Well, the last plus: the child sees love.

This means learning to love. If the relationship in marriage has exhausted itself, there is no love left, and there is only living together, then the child does not see warmth, hugs, does not see and does not understand the love between a man and a woman. And when parents break up and start a new happy relationship (as in our case), the child feels this warmth in full.

Relationships between parents and children after divorce

Once a divorce has occurred, the quality of the relationship between parent and child will have a huge impact on how the child copes with the divorce. How a parent reacts to divorce matters.

Parents who try to spend quality time with their child after divorce help the child adjust to the divorce. Parents who live their lives with little concern for their children and the time they spend with them can cause their children to have trouble adjusting to divorce.

When maladjustment occurs (which is 20% of the population of children in divorce situations), the most common problems that appear are (in no particular order):

• anxiety
• depression
• Behavior problems
• Anger, temper tantrums, anger control problems
• Physical violence towards others
• Lower grades in school compared to divorce
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• infringement
• Suicidal thoughts
• Feelings of guilt, shame and guilt (thinking the divorce is their fault)
• Decrease in health
• Social problems

Parents who try to spend quality time with their child after divorce help the child adapt to the situation.

Loving your child is not enough when it comes to divorce. Your actions matter. Make an effort to help your child get through the divorce by spending quality time with them and maintaining a positive parent-child relationship.

An example of a good relationship between parents and children

For example, a child named Kate is 7 years old and an only child. She survived her parents' divorce. She adapted well to the situation.

The parents shared equal custody of Kate, and they made great efforts to provide Kate with quality parenting time. Kate was able to receive more time and attention from each parent.

When she spent time at her mom's house, her mom tried to cook with Kate weekly so they could share the experience together and Kate could learn some cooking skills. Her mom kept up with Kate's piano lessons and took her to scheduled karate lessons, just like her dad.

Both parents were eager to spend time with Kate, helping her cope with the divorce, while also providing plenty of time and positive attention.

Both parents also maintained good discipline. They didn't deal with the consequences when she misbehaved because they didn't feel good about the divorce. Instead, both knew that discipline was important to maintaining Kate's sense of structure and direction in their homes.

Their extra efforts made Kate feel loved and cared for after her divorce. She may not have wanted her parents to separate and divorce, but the love, care, and quality time she receives from both of her parents helped her transition.

Pros and cons of divorce for a woman with children from a legal point of view

You will have to learn to rely only on yourself in planning your budget. The good news is that women tend to be more careful with their spending when they're alone. Even if your family finances were barely enough for food, you get unexpected savings. The fact is that the cost of feeding one man is comparable to feeding a woman and three children together.

When you take full responsibility for your family and yourself, you may find that you are able to earn more. In 60% of cases after a divorce, this is exactly what happens.

Your relationship

You know exactly which partner you don't want to see around you anymore. In trying to save a marriage with a person with whom you feel bad, you didn’t have time to think “do I need this?”

Housework

If you're afraid you've lost your jack of all trades, you're wrong. Most women discover after a divorce that they are quite capable of doing many sacred things, like “a nail in the wall,” themselves. These are the advantages.

Your career

Nobody tells you what to do anymore. Just look at the example of JK Rowling with her Harry Potter. You no longer have to be a modest housewife. Dust off your higher education diploma, stop being a drab housewife.

Parenting

Now that you are not busy sorting things out with your husband, you can give your children all the attention that they lacked before

Your friends

Divorce is the best time to understand what your friends are really worth. Some of your friends will simply stop communicating with you. The other part will begin to teach you or lament over your grief. And only true friends will simply ask if they can help you with something? Scandalous divorces of Russian stars.

Trips

You will be surprised, but many women went traveling for the first time, both independently and with children, only after a divorce. No more arguing about where to go. No more vacation negotiations. And, in the end, it is much cheaper. Well, what are more - the pros or cons of divorce?

We should start with the fact that the divorce process occurs differently for each couple.

Firstly, it depends on the relationship of the couple at the time of divorce. There are couples who express obvious hatred towards each other during a divorce, and there are, on the contrary, couples who are completely calm about this procedure.

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It is important to know here that all property acquired during marriage is divided in half. For example, even if a car was purchased with the husband’s money, it is considered jointly acquired property.

The exception is clothing, shoes, accessories, and items that are officially registered in the name of a family member.

Thirdly, the course of this process is influenced by the presence and absence of children. If you have children, but they are already adults, then their opinion is not taken into account in this process. Having agreed on the division of property on your own, you can be divorced without trial.

You need to know that the division of property does not have to be decided through the court. If the spouses independently agreed on the division of property, then the trial does not make sense, but if there are minor children, then the trial will be mandatory. Children decide for themselves who they want to stay with only from the age of six.

Until this age, the court independently decides the future fate of the child. To make such a decision, it will be necessary to do a sanity test for both parents, provide the court with certificates of the parents’ income, etc.

Having studied all the documents and weighed all the pros and cons of the child living with one or another parent, the court makes a decision that will be announced in the trial.

It should be noted that the divorce process is not one of the most pleasant procedures, therefore, to resolve all the legal nuances, they often hire an experienced lawyer who has been working in this field for many years.

This solution is very reasonable, and there are several proofs of this:

By delegating half the work to your lawyers, you protect yourself from moral torment, collecting documents and negotiations with the other side and other persons in this process.

Agree that a lawyer who has quite a lot of experience and has participated in many divorce proceedings will definitely achieve what you need. He knows all the rules and aspects that will help you win this process.

Divorce: pros and cons. Is an unhappy marriage worth fighting for?

Even though divorce is not a very happy event for a married couple, it is not the end of life. Therefore, sooner or later, after time has passed, you can note for yourself some advantages of divorce.

Psychologists spoke about the benefits of divorce

However, psychologists assure that there are no unequivocally bad or good events; everything has its pros and cons. This means that there are advantages to divorce. And we found them - for each age.

According to experts, there are so-called “divorces for good,” and most often they are initiated by one of the spouses whose love for the other is still alive. And in such separations the question is not about nobly “letting go” of the half in love with a rival or rival, but about improving the quality of life of both. According to psychologists, such divorces happen in all age groups.

“Divorce as a way to improve your life and that of your partner,” says candidate of psychological sciences Alina Kolesova, “sounds strange only at first glance.” From the outside, the reasons for such divorces often seem far-fetched, a whim of one person. A couple may be fine on the outside, but on the inside the relationship becomes unhealthy. If the interaction of the spouses has ceased to bring joy and satisfaction, the way out is liberation. Toxic relationships in couples do not necessarily happen only when the love is gone. Sometimes it is there, and it is she who pushes one person to cut the knot, because he understands: the mutual connection in marriage does not develop, it froze, like a frozen pregnancy, and from their union a relationship of a new level will never be born - a deeper one, like must eventually take the place of passion. We are used to thinking that people leave their family without fail “to join someone,” but in my practice there are increasingly cases when one of the spouses goes “nowhere,” wanting to take a break, free up and rethink their life. In some cases, such a separation turns out to be an excellent test of true feelings and values, and, having gone through separation, the two return to each other more conscious.

With the help of a psychologist, we collected stories where divorce opened up new horizons for the freed parties.

18–30: unbearable lightness of being

The story of Natasha and Yura began banally: she fell in love with him and did everything to win him. Yura was the first guy on the course: handsome, fashionable, from a good family - in short, an eligible bachelor.

“He was good-natured, charming, but kind of lightweight,” Natasha recalls. “And I didn’t offend anyone with a refusal.” If the girl was persistent, he could go to the cinema or theater with her, although he himself was not active. There was a feeling that he liked all the girls without exception and in general he loved the whole world. Such a darling of fate, they even gave him a nickname - Sunny Bunny. It was always easy and fun with him. His parents also spoiled him, fortunately they had such an opportunity. Unlike other majors in our course, Yurka studied well and did not show off. I somehow intuitively understood that he was one of those who would become attached to someone who would always be there, like a mother. He treated his mother very tenderly, not ashamed to look like a mama's boy.

To begin with, Natasha became Yura's friend. She listened, helped with coursework, came to visit in a friendly manner, she also shared her experiences and asked for help, which he never refused. Over the course of a year, everyone around got used to Natasha and Yura being together all the time. But from a “friendly point” their relationship did not move in any way, although Natasha was in love.

“I even suspected that maybe he doesn’t like girls at all?!” - Natasha smiles. — In our last year, we almost never separated; we wrote our thesis together. It happened that we stayed up late and stayed overnight at Yurka’s dacha. But he didn’t use it in any way, and I didn’t want to start first.

After defending her diploma, Natasha went to her parents’ dacha. And a month later she announced to Yura, with whom they regularly called each other, that she was marrying her childhood friend, a neighbor in the country. Love, they say, was childish, but this month flared up with renewed vigor. Yura disappeared for a week, and then came to Natasha with flowers and words that he could not lose her.

“He proposed to me, and I, of course, agreed. And then strange things began. I didn’t feel any joy, except that my plan was a success: Yurka turned out to be a “chick” whom I competently led to the crown. He got used to me and didn’t want to get out of the habit, which he said honestly. Everything seemed to be fine - but my life seemed empty. No, Yurka didn’t do anything wrong. We both got good jobs, we had money, we even took turns cooking and cleaning the apartment. But just as 4D cinema differs from black and white, my view of the world has also changed since our wedding. Everything around seemed to go dark. I tried to look 10 years ahead and see what Yurka and I are like, how we live, but I didn’t see anything! It was as if there was an empty space next to me. A purely friendly relationship with a spouse is something abnormal... No, we had sex - but it was also kind of friendly, without emotions, or something.

After a year of marriage, 22-year-old Natasha filed for divorce. For the parents of both young spouses and for Yura himself, it was a shock. Such a great start, why is she unhappy?!

“I was tortured by everyone,” Natasha confesses. - Like, admit it, have you met someone else? Or is he cheating on you? Or doesn't want children? No one could believe that I simply could not see further life together with Yura. Yes, I love him and that’s why I didn’t want to suffer further. And he not only doesn’t love me, he generally doesn’t know how to love the way most women understand it - passionately, with a mutual exchange of feelings and emotions. His ease was wonderful in student interactions, but in family life it was worse than hatred. But I need a living man, not a “sunny bunny”.

Nobody believed that Natasha would go nowhere. But she returned to her parents, took up her career, and today, a year later, she has no regrets.

“Perhaps it was just too early a marriage,” Natasha assesses her action today. — Yura is also alone, lives with his parents. After our divorce, he sulked for about a month, and then called me as if nothing had happened. Now we are friends again, just like before. You see, he accepted the collapse of the family as easily as its appearance. One word - “sunny bunny”...

“When we enter into an alliance, we perceive the world through our partner,” Alina Kolesova comments on the story. - Marriage is not only intimacy, coexistence and household, but also an exchange on deeper levels - emotional, energetic, psychological, intellectual. From the moment of connection, we grow, develop and experience life together with our partner - this is especially true for early marriages. Spouses are communicating vessels, and if one is “sluggish”, not giving or not giving enough feedback, then the other, not receiving nourishment from the partner, begins to starve. This emotional, spiritual hunger is not a fantasy; it is palpable even on a physical level. Such a “one-sided” relationship is caused by the indifference of one person, if the love in a couple is not mutual and one of the partners was forced into marriage. But it can also happen due to the personal characteristics of one of the spouses - low emotionality, immaturity, egocentrism, narcissism. Here the only question is compatibility; there are types of personalities who are not afraid of low emotional return in marriage, and they feel quite comfortable with such an “impersonal” partner. For Natalya this turned out to be impossible and, fortunately, she realized it in time. The divorce in their situation with Yuri is for the benefit of both, even if from the outside the reasons seem like a “whim” to him.

30–50: personality, not function

Yulia and Vlad got married in the early 90s, when she was 23 and he was 26. Like many, they started from scratch.

“I then graduated from high school and went to graduate school - I’m a microbiologist,” Yulia recalls, “and Vlad was assigned to a research institute, he is a nuclear physicist, but they didn’t pay a salary there. Then he began to try himself in business in order to somehow support his family. His mother and I lived in a small two-room apartment.

Two years later, Yulia gave birth to a daughter, spent three years on maternity leave, and during this time her husband was everything - driving cars from abroad, running his own stall... In her own words, Yulia “woke up” at the age of 30:

“While I was taking care of the child, I didn’t notice how my husband had changed. No, of course, I knew and was glad that he was lucky, he successfully invested the money he earned from his small business in the business of a fellow student and became a partner in a successful company. Gradually their office grew, they had their own factories. In general, by 2001 my husband had become a very wealthy man. We first moved into our own apartment, then into our own house, sent our daughter to a prestigious private school, and vacationed at the best resorts. But when I decided to return to science, my husband forbade me. And very harshly, he simply stated that “his wife will not work.”

From that moment, Julia began to watch her husband and realized with horror that she had missed the moment when money irrevocably changed him. Vlad became peremptory, domineering, and self-centered.

“He began to see only a “function” in his wife - maintaining a decent external facade and a reliable rear. I was given money, I was forbidden to work, and my husband had no time to talk to me. In principle, it did not limit my freedom: I could spend the whole day in beauty salons, in fitness, with friends, and attend parties. Only once he said: “I hope that you are not a fool and understand that first of all - my wife, and only then all these moods, states of yours, whether I want or not...” That is, he made it clear that without him I zero without a stick and my main task is not to tarnish his good name. I got angry.

Yulia admits that, perhaps, Vlad had the makings of a tyrant before, but in difficult times of survival they were embodied in business, and not in the family. And now, when he transferred his strict subordination to the house, Yulia realized that she was not ready to become a “functional” appendage of her husband, she also had one life.

“Of course, this didn’t happen right away,” Yulia admits, “I suffered for another two years.” I would like to especially note: Vlad did not have mistresses (at least I did not know about it), did not raise his hand against me, did not threaten to deprive me of my livelihood - he simply did not care about me. Sharing my experiences with anyone was absolutely useless. Mom, friends and even strangers answered the same thing: she was crazy! Having celebrated my 33rd birthday, one fine morning, when Vlad left for work, I put the keys to the expensive car he bought for me and the house on the table and left, taking a minimum of things.

Yulia rented an apartment and got a job. I sent an email to my husband that I was filing for divorce. Having received it, Vlad called his wife.

“I told him that I don’t need much—let him buy me a small apartment and provide for my daughter.” While she is studying for five days at a private boarding school, we will take her on weekends and holidays in turns, and when she graduates from school, we will see what happens next. I wrote, they say, if you agree to my conditions, I will not file for division of property, we will resolve everything amicably. Vlad was stunned. Such an act did not fit into his new coordinate system at all! As he said, “a woman will sell her soul for money!” He could not believe that I sincerely did not want to “chop off” the house and half of his business in order to continue living for my own pleasure. He just didn’t understand why I should leave then, if now I have everything, and then there will be nothing?! He couldn’t even suspect me of cheating... But I just wanted to free myself. And the fact that my husband was unable to understand this once again proved how different we are.

Vlad agreed to the divorce in full confidence that his wife was scaring him and would back down at the last moment. But Julia got divorced, despite the fact that all her relatives were twirling their fingers at their temples. The couple lived apart for ten years. During this time, Yulia defended her Ph.D., made a career in the profession, Vlad managed to get married and divorced. All these years he called his ex-wife, clearly expecting her to admit her mistake and ask to come back.

“I never got married,” shares Yulia. — To be honest, I never stopped loving Vlad. But it is impossible to love another if you do not love yourself. If I hadn’t gotten divorced then, I wouldn’t have succeeded as a person. Now the ex-husband is clearly determined to restore the relationship, and it is possible that I will agree to this. If we connect again, he will already be forced to take my interests and ambitions into account. Over the years, I have proven to myself and to him that I can be independent and only an equal union is possible with me.

50 - plus infinity: everyone became calmer

Evgeny Vasilyevich is a wealthy entrepreneur, he is 58, his second wife is 20 years younger than him.

“My wife is a woman in the prime of her life, she is very beautiful,” says the husband. “I was in love and for her sake I left my first family with two children. We have been married for 7 years, no children. I was proud of Rita, it was as if she had given me a second youth. This is not a fantasy that a young woman feeds a mature man with her energy and makes him breathe deeply. Over the years, my feelings for my wife have not changed, but lately there has been less positivity from her. I can just feel that she is tense, worried, that her head is always busy with something. She doesn't enjoy life like she used to.

By his own admission, Evgeniy Vasilyevich first decided that his young wife had met someone and fallen in love. I made some efforts to check my guess, but it was not confirmed. The mystery of Rita's anxiety was revealed by a conversation between his wife and her mother that her husband accidentally overheard.

“The mother explained to her daughter that Rita was wasting her best feminine years with me and was not giving birth. And if, they say, something happens to me, then I will leave all my property and housing to my children, because children are sacred. And Rita, apparently, was embarrassed to ask me what kind of will I would draw up, because, thank God, I am not going to the other world yet. And it became so unpleasant for me that the person living with me under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed with me was obsessed with thoughts of what would happen when I was gone, that I decided to free her. I figured out that I had met another woman and wanted a divorce. He promised to provide her with separate housing and money during the divorce.

According to Evgeniy Vasilyevich, Rita was extremely surprised, but agreed. After all, at 38 years old, she received what she was so worried about - separate housing, a round sum in the account and freedom.

“Well, I’ve already lived enough to be able to cope with my feelings,” concludes the ex-husband. “I haven’t stopped loving Rita, but my mind protests against having a person sleeping next to me who is thinking about my death.” After all, we capture the thoughts of loved ones on an energetic level and absorb them. Yes, I am already quite a few years old, but my doctor says that my health is excellent and I will live a very long time if I don’t get nervous. I was nervous about Rita, which means that by giving up on her, I improved the quality of my life—that is, I extended it. And this is more valuable than any money. Because of what I gave to her, neither I nor my children became poor, but after our divorce, everyone felt calmer - both her and her mother, and most importantly, me. There are plenty of women around who would happily spend time with me. And I don’t intend to get married anymore.

“All the trials that life sends us are needed for us to make a new qualitative leap, to reach a new level,” says Alina Kolesova. — The heroes of all the stories, feeling internal discomfort, were not afraid to change the situation, found the strength not to cling to the appearance of well-being (a beautiful couple, an enviable groom, a rich husband, a young wife, etc.) and even to the fact that love still existed alive. Alas, sometimes your personality and self-respect can only be saved at the cost of divorce. And to a full-fledged self-respecting person, full-fledged love will definitely come. Until a person properly loves himself, others will not be able to give him the kind of love that he deserves.

Pros of divorce

If divorce is inevitable, you need to make the best of it. So what is the benefit of divorce? Probably because divorce is a reason to start life on a new page, to cross out everything that happened before. Yes, dear women, pull yourself together and save yourself. Divorce should not become the tragedy of your whole life, it should become a stepping stone on the path to happiness. Prove to everyone, and first of all to yourself, that you are the best.

So, the advantages of divorce

1. Opportunity to achieve success: many divorced women achieved recognition in the professional field and opened their own business. The desire to show your spouse what he has lost provides a lot of energy that can be spent wisely.

2. The opportunity to meet a more suitable partner: after all, you already know exactly who you need. Now you are unlikely to buy the bright wrapper and will carefully study your chosen one.

3. The opportunity to realize yourself as a Personality: now you can pursue your hobby and improve in it, discovering unknown facets, because before, while worrying about your family, you had absolutely no time for your hobbies.

is an opportunity to learn something new: you can travel, study foreign languages, or draw, sing, or maybe dance or master the art of painting on fabric.

You see how many opportunities divorce provides, continue this list of advantages yourself, gradually adding to it.

There is a wise expression: everything that does not kill us makes us stronger. Take it into account and repeat it often. You can complain about fate and whine, but no more than 10 minutes a day. After all, you have so much to do, you need to rush towards your New Life. Interesting acquaintances, exciting adventures await you, and you will have to make your own discoveries. And with such a positive attitude, you are simply doomed to success!

You will see those who really love you

When people get married and move to a new city or area, they lose strong connections with those they knew from childhood. But even if fate has thrown you far from your father’s house, over the course of several years of marriage you have managed to acquire a new social circle. Both you and your spouse have mutual friends who will face difficult choices after your separation. No one is actually forcing them to necessarily take sides. Your friends can, if they wish, communicate with both you and your ex-spouse. At least now you will recognize those who truly love you.

You need to get a divorce on time, or the consequences of indecisiveness when divorcing a marriage.

If your life together has become unbearable, you have decided to divorce, have weighed all the pros and cons of such a step, then you need to muster up the courage and file for divorce. Indecisiveness in this matter can cost you dearly.

Repeatedly in my practice, I have encountered situations where the family life of the spouses has ended, there is no joint household, there is no common budget, they live separately from each other, even alimony has been collected, but the marriage has not yet been dissolved.

This happens for a variety of reasons: there was no time or desire to do this, fear of being the initiator of a divorce, emotional distress due to the breakdown of the family, and so on. Such indecisiveness can lead to the most tragic consequences.

Firstly, this may lead to the fact that the second spouse wants to lay claim to the property that you acquired during your separation.

Although, according to the Law, the court can recognize the property acquired by each of the spouses during the period of their separation upon termination of family relations as the property of each of them, nevertheless, in practice, various scenarios are possible.

If the second spouse files for division of such property, this, at a minimum, threatens you with the loss of several thousand nerve cells, and at maximum, you may also lose part of the things you have earned.

Secondly, you can be recorded as the father of someone else's child. So the Law says that if a child was born from persons who are married to each other, and also within three hundred days from the moment of divorce, recognition of it as invalid or from the moment of death of the spouse of the child’s mother, the mother’s husband is recognized as the father of the child.

Thus, if you are married, any new child of your spouse will be yours too. Consequently, this is fraught for you with at least one more lawsuit - a lawsuit to challenge paternity.

Thirdly, if you decide to file for divorce, and your wife becomes pregnant or gives birth to a child at that time, she will be able to delay the divorce process for up to 1 year and 9 months. The law establishes that the husband does not have the right to initiate proceedings for divorce without the wife’s consent during the wife’s pregnancy and within a year after the birth of the child.

USEFUL INFORMATION: A lawyer is ready to answer your question Work For Alimony

Accordingly, if your wife is pregnant or has already given birth to a child and insists that you are the father of the child (as can be seen from paragraph 2, this may not be your child), you will not be able to divorce. And this is again an additional hassle.

Everything must be done on time, including getting a divorce, no matter how difficult it may be.

Divorce or save the family?

Statistics give us very sad figures: more than half of marriages end in divorce in the first year. Divorce in society is always perceived as something forbidden, tragic and shameful. Religious fundamentalists and politicians will tell you that divorce destroys our society, ruins the lives of children, and weakens the moral character of the nation. Don't listen to them. Positive indicators are always important for the state, even if they are superficial.

Divorce means choice. Two people do not have to remain attached to each other until the grave, as society tries to dictate. Divorce means that people can determine for themselves the path they will take. And, most importantly, divorce provides for that most important, most valuable aspect - human happiness.

Divorce is a great equalizer and a hallmark of a truly advanced society in terms of women's rights. No woman can agree to feel like property.

But the freedom to live your life as you please without affecting how others live is something many people don't want. Whether it is a stern and moralistic God or a subjective society that claims ultimate power, keep in mind that each of them has one truth: everyone must live by the rules.

The Catholic Church, for example, states that if you marry someone while your first spouse is still alive, you are committing adultery and will go to hell. You cannot leave one spouse and find another, no matter the reason, even if there is violence in the marriage. They don't like the idea of ​​you having sex with more than one person in your life, even if you have a serious crush on each of them. But religion encourages remarriage if the first husband dies. It turns out that in order to become happy, a woman who suffers in marriage must wish her husband to die? This is how it was a hundred years ago. Unhappy wives poisoned their husbands, men killed their wives in order to enter into another, more profitable marriage.

Of course, no one says that at the first difficulty you need to run away and file for divorce. If possible, you need to try to save your marriage and fight for your family to the end. But when there is no love in a couple, there is no mutual respect and understanding, there is no point in staying in such a family. Why sacrifice your own happiness? For the sake of public opinion? For fear of burning in hell?

As you can see, divorce is a personal choice of each person, a choice of a better life. And, undoubtedly, in this one can find the advantages of divorce for women who suffer the most due to social principles, fearing condemnation.

Disadvantages of divorce during pregnancy

The only disadvantage can be considered the absence of a father, but this situation can be corrected if the mother married another man. Among the disadvantages is also the fact that the biological father may begin to evade paying alimony, that is, simply not fulfill his legal alimony obligations. And then mom will have to either go to work as early as possible, or constantly visit the bailiffs. There are practically no conscientious fathers to be found among those abandoned during pregnancy. A woman will never leave in such a state.

Another huge minus. If a mother has established her life without the participation of the child’s father, she is wealthy and successful, or she has a worthy other husband, and she herself has the opportunity to go on vacation outside the Russian Federation, then her ex-husband can really ruin her life. It will be very difficult to obtain permission from him for the child to travel abroad. He can either hide and not give consent, or demand payment for signing a document, or force the woman to refuse to receive alimony. Although, being a husband, such a person will constantly interfere with everything.

When some girls find out that their new guy has already been married before, they suddenly hit the brakes. Perhaps they are worried that they have so much left behind them? But experts say that you should be much more afraid of guys with “zero baggage.” Guys who have already been married are real, grown men. They know two things: what it means to love and what it means to lose. For men, life after divorce

will definitely be more thoughtful and serious. Therefore, they can be trusted to a greater extent than more frivolous guys who never thought.

Resources and support for divorced parents

Parent-child and parent-parent relationships after divorce affect the child and their adjustment to life and their new situation. These two factors are the most important when it comes to children successfully surviving divorce and making healthy adjustments.

The third component that influences children and their adjustment to divorce is the support provided to their situation. This is support beyond your parents. Are children getting the counseling they need? Every child who is experiencing their parents' divorce should receive help from a counselor, support group, or specialist trained in helping children adjust to divorce.

Divorce Care 4 Kids is an organization that runs groups around the world for children who are going through their parents' divorce. These groups are inexpensive and often free. Classes are usually only 13 weeks long, meeting once a week. The groups help children adjust to divorce and cover topics such as divorce through no fault of the child, the emotions they may feel, and how to communicate with parents about divorce.

Go to their website and enter your zip code or country (if you're outside the US) to find a group near you. Your child did not ask for a divorce. Get them the help they need to help them process and adjust to the situation.

Other support that is important for children and can help them adjust to the situation is extended family and friends. Their support, kindness and love in your situation also helps your child. They need support, emotional, physical and mental, just like you.

Seek support from your loved ones. Not everyone is likely to be helpful, but for those who are, accept their help and thank them. They not only help you, but also help your child.

Check out my other article on this topic: How to Raise Happy, Healthy Children After Divorce for more tips and information on how to help your child adjust after divorce.

Can a divorce be annulled?

Spouses can reconcile at any time before a decision is made. If reconciliation took place after the decision was made, but before the moment when it entered into legal force, either spouse has the right to send an appeal to the court and end the matter amicably in the appellate instance. Once the decision to divorce has entered into legal force, it cannot be canceled. But you can remarry.

Ask your question to international lawyer Karina Duval! This can be done at [email protected] with the subject “Question for a lawyer.”