Some hundred years ago, traditional marriage was considered the unshakable foundation of human society. However, changing life circumstances and modern mores have made it desirable, but optional. Many of us are clearly aware that living in a traditional marriage is not at all bad.
A strong, lasting union of two loving people allows you to create a cozy home and raise healthy children. Support and support in difficult times, in times of trouble, are also important. But recently, some couples prefer to live in a guest marriage. Most often this is a forced measure, less often it is a conscious choice.
Many celebrity couples practice living apart in marriage. This allows them to combine married life and work responsibilities in some incredible way. There are also ordinary families in which guest marriage is the only way to maintain close relationships.
The concept of guest marriage in psychology (+ video)
What opinion do psychologists have on this matter? What should a guest marriage be like? In psychology, a guest marriage is a general concept in which one detail remains unchanged - separate living. The organization of family life here depends on the spouses themselves. Some prefer to live the same way as before marriage, periodically setting aside time for intimate meetings. Others have several similarities with the classic family model: planning a common budget, discussing large purchases, distributing responsibilities, financial support, and participation of partners in each other’s everyday life.
Family psychology does not consider this union a pathology if the spouses feel comfortable and are not burdened by this lifestyle. For the most part, this is temporary. Such families, as a rule, still move on to generally accepted norms.
A guest marriage is considered abnormal if one of the partners wants a traditional family, and the other prevents this. As a rule, infantile people, egoists who do not want to take responsibility, are inclined towards such relationships.
What is traditional marriage?
The vast majority of families cannot answer this question. Because of this, they form the wrong idea about life together and the relationship reaches a dead end. Traditional marriage is a generally accepted norm in which spouses officially certify their relationship, live together and raise children. Despite the fact that it has certain disadvantages, there are still more advantages.
Therefore, this form is the most common throughout the world. But increasingly, people are deviating from classical ideas in favor of non-traditional relationships. Which ones exactly will be described in detail below.
Types of guest marriages
The variety of guest marriages is difficult to reduce to a specific typology, because this format of relationship implies sufficient freedom and is regulated by each couple independently. However, there are criteria that, when combined, can identify many species.
The main factor is the amount of time spent together. Some people find it convenient to meet on weekends and devote themselves to work on weekdays. Typically, this model is used by busy people or those who want to build a career. It is more convenient for them to come home from work in the evening and relax than to delve into household chores. Others meet several times a week - this is a kind of imitation of a romantic period. There are strong feelings here and an equally strong desire to preserve the happy moments spent together.
There are also seasonal marriages, when people live together for several months and live separately for the same number of months. This is usually due to work, long business trips and other work related issues. There are couples who meet one day a week or month and try to spend it emotionally and sensually. On this day, they turn off their phones, put things aside and devote themselves entirely to their significant other.
People in creative professions choose the frequency of meetings depending on how busy they are, their mood, and the visiting muse. At first glance, this may seem utopian, however, when two people truly love each other, even such chaotic meetings have a structure and are quite understandable to them.
Couples who live long distances spend the most time planning. As a rule, these are marriages in which the husband and wife may not see each other for several months, but spend vacations together or take turns visiting each other for a long time.
An even more stringent criterion than scheduling meetings is the presence of children together. This factor is decisive for many family processes, but it does not always affect meetings. In addition, another criterion is how far the spouses live from each other, which also determines the format of the meetings.
Undoubtedly, these criteria have interaction, but the classification does not end with them. The remaining parameters are more individual and less significant when determining the type.
Open relationship or open marriage
There are many examples of when a guy and a girl love each other and are completely satisfied with everything, but they do not want to get married. An open relationship or an open marriage is more suitable for them. What does it mean? Partners may even be spouses, but each has the right to date and spend time with other members of the opposite sex. As for infidelity, it can either be hidden or be in plain sight. In the latter case, the spouses calmly talk about her and even share their adventures on the side.
This form of marriage is extremely rare because it is considered immoral. After all, who can be satisfied that their other half has affairs? However, there are several examples among famous personalities and show business stars. For example, Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow and musician Chris Martin were in an open marriage for 10 years.
Who chooses guest relations? What factors influence the choice?
Initially, the phenomenon of guest marriage was popular among rich and busy people, whose work activities required frequent business trips to separate places. They were organizing family life in such a way that it did not interfere with building a career.
This format of relationships is especially widespread among celebrities, who can spend several months in other countries on tour or filming. It is normal for them to focus on creativity rather than family problems. This does not mean that in such families spouses do not care about each other. Partners love each other, however, most of the time they are each responsible for themselves.
Often, guest marriage is an alternative for categories of people who do not have their own home, who are traveling, or who temporarily do not have the opportunity to live together.
Today, older couples often choose guest marriage. Often people of retirement age do not want to change their habits and adapt to their partner. At the same time, there is deep affection between them and they want their union to be serious.
Psychologists believe that guest marriage is often resorted to by couples who are on the verge of breaking up, but want to try to save the marriage. An extraterritorial residence option provides an opportunity to look at the situation with a fresh look. The spouses either make a deliberate decision to reunite, or realize that further life together is impossible.
Sometimes one of the partners agrees to this family format in order to keep their other half. But psychologists are sure that such a decision is fraught with final separation. The spouse, who is burdened by life together, eventually feels freedom, forgets about responsibility, and the relationship goes into a pathological stage. During meetings, the party who dreams of saving the marriage tries to please his life partner, and he takes this for granted.
Most family psychologists note that modern ideas about the family have undergone significant changes. Previously, lovers played weddings at a fairly young age - up to 20 years. At the same time, the divorce process was quite complicated and caused public censure. Women felt defenseless without a husband, and after getting married they held on to him.
Today, most women are independent and many young ladies find marriage with its traditional responsibilities as a wife burdensome. More and more couples see marriage as an opportunity to enjoy time together, rather than being burdened with family responsibilities and problem solving.
Recently, there are more and more independent women. They are able to provide for themselves and their children without the financial help of a man. Many do not want to exchange their sense of independence for the status of a housewife who is immersed in cleaning, cooking and washing, while being financially dependent on a man. As a result, more and more women are speaking out against traditional families, because they do not want to take on responsibilities that would radically change the usual course of life.
Very often, people who have experienced a divorce from their parents are inclined towards guest marriage. Many people who get married were brought up in single-parent families and did not have a model of a happy family before their eyes, so they themselves do not strive to create one. On the contrary, fear of strong closeness and commitment appears in their heads. For them, a guest marriage is an excellent alternative to the traditional one. On the one hand, they have a family, but at the same time they do not feel trapped.
Another category of people who prefer guest marriage are couples who have already been in a traditional marriage, but have become disillusioned with it. This is a fairly common occurrence. Not seeing the advantages of classic cohabitation, but at the same time not wanting to remain single, a person gives preference to this format of relationship, considering it ideal.
A significant factor influencing the choice in favor of a guest marriage is children from previous relationships. Many parents do not want to traumatize their child’s psyche by living with a stranger.
Children's rights
All rights of minor children provided for in Ch. 11 of the RF IC, cannot be violated if their parents are connected by guest marriage:
- The right to be raised and live in a family (Article 54 of the RF IC), “as far as possible,” has not been violated. Children know both parents and have the opportunity to live with one of them during school, and with the other during the holidays.
- The rights of children to communicate with parents and their relatives have not been violated, according to Art. 55 of the RF IC, since there are no socio-psychological contradictions between the parents.
- The right of children to protection, provided for in Art. 56 of the RF IC, is fully implemented, because the parents are not divorced and have the opportunity to provide assistance at any time.
- The right of children to freely express their opinions is realized in accordance with Art. 57 RF IC. None of the parents has the right not to take into account the opinions of their children in matters affecting them.
- The right of children to bear the surname of their parents, to have a first and patronymic, as provided for in Art. 58 of the RF IC is not violated, since the parents are not divorced.
- Children have the opportunity to change their first and last name, according to Art. 59 RF IC. This is implemented by mutual consent of the parents with the permission of the guardianship and trusteeship authorities.
- When parents are in a guest marriage relationship, children do not lose their property rights provided for in Art. 60 of the RF IC, since they receive full support from both parents who are in a registered marriage.
New law on providing a child with housing when parents divorce
Star examples (+video)
Recently, guest marriage has become increasingly popular. The format of a relationship that does not involve living together seems quite attractive to many couples, because for most people personal space and the opportunity to be alone at any moment are very important.
There are many celebrities who practice this type of family. For example, the well-known Hollywood actress Gwyneth Peltorow said in one of her interviews that she does not always live with her husband Brad Falchuk . Tim Burton and his wife Helena Bonham lived for a long time in neighboring houses, which were connected by an underground tunnel. The relationship between Vincent Cassel and Monica Bellucci : the spouses lived in different countries for some time.
The most striking example of a guest marriage in Russia was the relationship between
Vladimir Vysotsky and Marina Vladi .
The woman lived in the French capital, and the legendary singer lived in Moscow. Their relationship, which cannot be called an ordinary romance, lasted 12 years and ended very sadly - the brilliant actor died. Films have been made about their incredible love and many books have been written. Russian singer Katie Topuria got married to her husband in 2013, and before that she dated him for four years. She also lived at a distance with her husband, which most likely became the reason for their recent separation. Currently, the ex-spouses are raising their daughter Olivia and continue to be friends.
The guest marriage was reminiscent of the relationship between Nikolai Baskov and Sophie Kalcheva . The spectacular brunette preferred to relax alone and did not want to share a common life with the natural blond, with whom she had been together for about three years. In 2021, the couple broke up, as Kolya proposed to his friend Victoria Lopyreva in the presence of Ramzan Kadyrov.
But there are also happy examples of guest marriages. For example, Elizaveta Boyarskaya and Maxim Matveev . The couple tries not to show their happiness, which is why for a long time fans considered their marriage an empty formality. Despite the fact that the musketeer’s daughter lives in the northern capital, and her husband lives in Moscow, they are successfully raising their common son and sometimes post photos together, and also spend holidays with their family.
Nikita and Tatyana Mikhalkov are living proof that a guest marriage can be long-term. The couple have been married for 44 years. Nikita Sergeevich is quietly engaged in creativity, and Tatyana Evgenievna is busy with her projects without haste. The couple celebrates holidays together and appears in society. By the way, the film director’s parents, writer Sergei Mikhalkov and his wife Natalya Konchalovskaya, also lived in a guest marriage for more than 50 years.
There are rumors that Anzhelika Varum and Leonid Agutin prefer to stay in different rooms when they travel. They have different apartments in Moscow. However, the couple did not openly declare this.
What is this type of relationship?
People approach a certain stage of life and begin to wonder. What is a guest marriage? This type of relationship involves the separation of spouses. They go on vacation together, meet with family and friends, but do not want to sleep in the same bed or see their chosen one in an old robe or without makeup. In this case, residence can take place in different houses, cities or even countries. Each meeting is accompanied by a storm of emotions and solutions to pressing problems. For example, which school to send your child to or when to go on vacation. Or maybe buy a new apartment.
So is the game worth the candle? To understand this, it is necessary to understand all aspects of such relationships.
From the mouths of ordinary people
There are also many ordinary Russian women who shared their stories and talked about the pros and cons of such relationships.
Valentina, 31 years old, in a guest marriage for 5 years
This is my first experience of a guest marriage. Usually my chosen ones wanted to live together, as they adhered to the traditional family model. But in the end the relationship did not last long. My current husband and I agreed on living separately.
We see each other often because we live in neighboring houses. We don’t have a clear schedule, so we see each other according to desire and mood. Sometimes we stay overnight at each other's houses. We spend one vacation in a place, and I spend one alone - this is my condition.
We do not have a general budget, and this is also my initiative. However, we can divide some expenses in half, for example, when we go on vacation to other countries. Parents and friends treat this union of ours absolutely normally.
For me, the main advantage of a guest marriage is personal space, which comes first for me. I believe that two people in one apartment is already a hostel, and I absolutely don’t want to negotiate with my husband about everyday details.
Anastasia, 45 years old, guest married for 15 years
Before this relationship, I was married twice, and both times we were a traditional family: with a common household and everyday problems. Therefore, with my current husband, who also had classic marriages behind him, we built things differently.
We both live outside the city and see each other very often - almost every day. The rest of the time we do our own thing. We also prefer to spend our holidays separately. Each of us has our own bedroom at home, so we don’t disturb each other at night and get enough sleep.
We don’t have children together, and we have separate budgets. He asks me for money, but sometimes he gives me small sums. We coordinate household purchases and buy them in half.
For me, there are more advantages than disadvantages in a guest marriage. I consider the main advantage to be the lack of obligations and strict boundaries, as well as the ability to do whatever you want at any time. In my case, there are no disadvantages of such a relationship, although most likely there would be if we had children together.
Alena, 27 years old, in a guest marriage for 1.5 years
My husband and I got married two years ago. Before marriage, we did not live together, only sometimes spent the night at each other's. Therefore, when we started living together, the grinding process began. I was terribly annoyed by the mess left by my husband, and he was infuriated by my pathological love of cleanliness.
Another problem was that we lived in a one-room apartment, and I was sorely lacking in personal space. Quarrels began to occur almost daily.
I began to think about divorce, although I really didn’t want to do this - after all, I love my husband. Guest marriage became our salvation. On weekdays we each live in our own house, and spend weekends together. During the week we also sometimes meet in the company of friends. Such relationships bring me real pleasure! The house is always clean and I can always be alone.
The budget is partially general. We transfer a certain amount to a common account, and spend the rest of the money at our own discretion. We spend the general money on recreation and entertainment.
I won’t lie, but it seems to me that my husband would like to live together. Perhaps we will return to the traditional family model when we decide to have a child, but at the moment I am happy with everything.
Psychologists note that living together is only recommended for those partners who really want it. In another case, living separately will bring more benefits. Spouses have time to be alone, but at the same time they know that they have a loved one with whom they can relax.
What difficulties will you have to face?
Lack of personal communication can lead to conflicts
If people are under the same roof, they have the opportunity to discuss a conflict situation, look into each other’s eyes, and hug. When they communicate primarily over the phone, all they have left is their voice. Or even just a chain of letters and emojis - if the interaction takes place in the messenger. Such reduced communication can lead to misunderstandings or even aggravate the conflict: it is more difficult to read a person’s emotions and understand his intentions.
People will miss support
A man came home upset and tired. And he wants someone to pour hot tea, comfort him, and take him “in his arms.” And no one is home. If your partner does not live very far away, you can ask him to come, but this will take some time. So people in guest marriages can get lonely. And in this way it resembles a long-distance relationship.
It's almost impossible to raise children this way.
For couples who do not plan to become parents or, say, have already let their adult offspring out of the nest and live for themselves, a guest marriage may be suitable. But for families with children - not so much. Firstly, caring for a child alone is difficult - both physically and mentally. And secondly, it is completely unclear how to organize everyday life and how the endless change of parents can affect the development of the baby.
Advantages and disadvantages
Like any marriage, a guest union has its own advantages and disadvantages, which are very relative. Some people don’t like to be separated from their loved one even for four or five hours, while others are exhausted by the daily presence of another person in their life.
pros
- People who love freedom feel comfortable. Household responsibilities can be a nuisance if a person works a lot and needs to concentrate on work responsibilities.
- The chosen one always looks good and well-groomed. Spouses study each other for a long time; they hardly see what their chosen one looks like after a hard day at work. The parties do not see partners irritated and unkempt, wearing ugly household things.
- There are no domestic conflicts. This may seem strange, but many people even become depressed because of everyday life. Living separately, you can take care of the house according to your mood, but in marriage it is more difficult to do this.
- Minimum commitments in marriage. A person does not need to adapt to his family, but live at his usual rhythm: fall asleep and wake up when he wants, choose what and when to cook.
- Relative independence in money. Spouses do not need to report their income and expenses.
- The effect of novelty wears off more slowly. The emotional side is one of the main reasons why they choose a guest marriage. During the time of separation, the husband and wife have time to miss each other and feel the value of the time spent together.
Minuses
Despite the undeniable advantages, there are significant disadvantages in guest marriage:
- There is no constant support from a partner.
- For the most part, only one spouse cares for the children.
- The image of a loved one is idealized and does not correspond to reality.
- A constant feeling of freedom, as a result of which affairs on the side are not uncommon.
- Emotional detachment. Living separately, husband and wife do not consider each other's problems significant.
Arguments of supporters and opponents
From the legal, psychological, and financial side, relationships in the format of a guest marriage best characterize its pros and cons. Having assessed the advantages and disadvantages, the spouses make a choice in favor of a convenient and profitable union.
Proponents of extraterritorial marriage argue their position with the following theses:
- independent living, disposal of space at one’s own discretion;
- eliminating domestic quarrels, eliminating the problem of “constant cooking, washing, maintenance, repairs” and other common requests or claims of spouses against each other;
- the opportunity to preserve individuality, personal habits, and also avoid the need to “adapt” to the lifestyle of the other half;
- maintaining the sharpness of sensations, the “candy-bouquet” period, pleasant associations;
- a meeting schedule convenient for both, depending on desire, free time, mood;
- maintaining financial independence, no obligation to draw up a joint budget, submit a report on financial expenses, purchase plans, income received;
- the right to count on any type of assistance, if necessary.
Important! Opponents of the alternative family option give many arguments: jealousy, betrayal, lack of common interests, mistrust, cooling of feelings, misunderstanding. There is no guarantee that the same problems will not worry a husband and wife in an ordinary marriage.
These are psychological factors that depend on the personal views and preferences of the spouses. Therefore, their negative characterization rather refers to a controversial generalization.
The appearance of children can make adjustments and serve as a reason to choose in favor of a traditional family or, conversely, become an incentive to switch to a guest marriage. Parents can distribute authority over children at their own discretion. For example, the mother is entrusted with the functions of upbringing, providing life and leisure, and the father is entrusted with the financial side.
Proponents of this position insist on maintaining a close emotional connection between spouses. The wife does not need anything, and the husband has the opportunity to earn money, get enough sleep, relax, without being distracted by everyday life. The other side of the coin is the wife’s claims about independent participation in upbringing, the absence of the father in the child’s life, and moral fatigue. The determining factor is the psychological maturity and position of the spouses.
