Constantly looking for female happiness is the norm. So, the singer from Brazil Gretchen got married as many as 17 times, the Spanish Gloria Lasso got married 11 times, and the last time was 62! But Raquel Guteros from Peru got married as many as 200 times, but everything was fictitious - she helped foreigners obtain citizenship. And finally, the living Linda Wolf married 23 times in 75 years, and the last time was also for the record holder for the number of weddings.
Therefore, it is worth talking about how to survive a second divorce.
This is not a black mark at all
If you filed for a second divorce, this does not mean that you are a bad wife and cannot cope with your responsibilities. Also, this does not mean that all men are brutes and fools, so you need to continue to live your whole life alone.
What a second divorce means for you is that you haven’t learned the lessons from your first relationship and are stuck with the same gardening tools. As for men who are fools, you definitely attract men who are exactly the same in behavior. This means that they will all behave the same.
Perhaps this is the life scenario of mothers or grandmothers, for whom the second divorce, like the third, was not a surprise. Or maybe your father was similar to the men that you chose as your companions? How was his relationship with your mother built? Perhaps your personal role scripts or postulates that have managed to develop over your life are to blame here. In any case, there is no need to blame previous husbands for everything.
No matter how trite, thank them and think about why fate sent you a second divorce. Not why, but for what?
We don't make old mistakes
It doesn’t matter whether it’s your first time filing for divorce or your second time, we often repeat mistakes.
The first mistake. Immediately a new relationship. Or even worse - fornication and bed with the first one you come across. No, you can, but don’t have any special illusions. Having raised your own self-esteem, you will quickly lower it to its previous level. Better wait until you are ready for this and make sure you are self-sufficient.
Error two. Whining and depression. No, they will be, but don’t spend your second divorce endlessly with your friends. Don't discuss your life together (if you're still clinging to it), his new personal life, or why your husband doesn't let you know about himself. You will only torture your friends and they will stop communicating with you.
Error three. Keep an eye on your ex-husband. Especially on social networks. Remove him from your friends immediately and do not give in to the temptation to find out what he has and who he is with. It's just not interesting. This is also living in the past, which will not allow you to move forward. If he wants to contact you, go ahead, but don't stalk him.
Legal aspects of the second divorce
Divorce is a difficult and painful procedure for both parties, especially in a family with two children from different marriages.
After a married couple divorces, the mother suffers the most, since she is faced with the task of obtaining alimony payments from the father and providing the children with everything they need. After a divorce and the departure of one of the spouses from the family, life does not stop. The process of divorce with children takes place in court, where the competent authorities decide on the division of jointly acquired property and determine the amount of alimony. In this case, you need to seek help from a professional lawyer who will collect all the necessary documents, and will also represent the interests of the ward in court and protect his rights.
Every mother should know that the decision about who the second child will stay with will be made by a judge, taking into account the prevailing circumstances. Very often the second child, under 10 years of age, remains with the mother. An exception may be the presence of a large living space and good financial support from the father. In this situation, the judge also takes into account the desire of the child himself to remain with which parent after the divorce, but only after he turns 14 years old.
The following factors may influence the outcome of a particular case:
- financial stability;
- psychological and physical component;
- location of children, etc.
How to survive a second divorce
You still have everything ahead, you just need to work on the problem a little.
The first thing we do is start working on it. We are looking for a soul specialist and look together at where the root of your problem is. Look for what exactly is wrong. Start with light layers and raise everything little by little. Your task is to remove your problem and clean it completely. For specialists in family problems, you are neither the last nor the first, so he knows exactly how to untie your Gordian knot. He will do it efficiently, efficiently, and perhaps even quickly.
The difficulty is that not everyone can afford this. Often it all comes down to the fact that the services of good psychotherapists, psychologists or coaches are not cheap. For some, this is also scary, since the belief is still alive that only sick people go to such specialists.
What to do? Look for patterns. What were they like in both the first and second marriages? What did you do that caused the family to break up? There is no need to shift all responsibility for such an outcome onto your spouses and think that they are assholes. There is something in you and you need to take responsibility for such mistakes. There is something about you that makes men leave you.
So, your beliefs, attitudes or postulates may be to blame for this. If you are sure that all men are small two-horned cattle, you will come across only goats along the way. And you will confirm over and over again that yes, they are assholes.
Now all that remains is to work through this belief and give examples of those men who are not assholes. You can write this down on paper. Give yourself limits. For example, Valik, the husband of your friend or neighbor, is not a goat or a womanizer. Or your colleague’s husband Anton is a holy man and definitely not a goat. Give a limitation to this postulate. Figure out where and with what people your belief works, and where and with whom it doesn’t.
Perhaps the problem is that over time you become a mother to your husbands. But the man will not sleep with his mother, in the sense, he will not make love. Over time, this could begin to weigh on your husbands. How do you demonstrate your role as a mother? Perhaps you controlled your husbands, like a strict mother controls a bully schoolboy. Or maybe you constantly give him instructions? Or do you limit your money? Of course, it is better to give control over the family finances to the husband. Perhaps he will be hungry for a couple of months, but he will grow up. But you didn’t do this either with your first husband or with your second... And the man in the family that he is building clearly does not need a mother.
There may be other roles that make husbands run away from you. What are we doing with it? First of all, we track. Give it a description: when this role is included and why, what it is, why it is included. When we understand a little, we begin to remove this role from ourselves. And immediately put it in the closet. You can be a mother, but it’s better for your own children. But to your husband you should be a lover, friend and ally, and finally, a wife, but definitely not a mommy.
Another problem that twice prevented you from building a family is the scenarios of the family or those that you saw up close. If you repeated the story of your mother, grandmother and great-grandmother, you are simply committed to your family. Try to draw parallels and don't deny. Look at everything with cold eyes. Without realizing or accepting that you are repeating the path of your older relatives, you will definitely not remove this generic scenario. For many of our women, the problem dates back to the war: great-grandmothers or great-great-grandmothers lost their spouses, remarried and sometimes were unable to build relationships with their new husbands. The following generations only repeated this, as they saw it with their own eyes. So it turned out to be such a vicious circle. Accept it and figure it out for yourself.
Another problem that pushes us into separations, remarriages and divorces again is the principles of consumer society. It is customary to get a new iPhone every year or a new car every five years, so some women transfer this to their husbands. The desire to change husbands may also be caused by the fact that your mother, and you too, are accustomed to being the man in the family. But a man needs variety and you have adopted this purely masculine need. And we need to work with this too. Just try to be a woman and embrace feminine values. Or maybe it’s more convenient for you to change men than to live with one? If anything, this is also a variant of the norm. And yet, it is better to do all this work with a psychologist, and not by yourself. Just don't skimp on your happiness.
Reasons why couples keep getting divorced
Some couples in relationships simply need to periodically take a kind of time-out .
Sometimes such breaks really help return a man and a woman to attraction to each other.
However, if breaks occur periodically, over time it becomes a habit.
This is also where a factor comes into play, which psychologists call the re-load effect. Its essence is that if a person often performs an action, it ceases to have a negative impact on him .
The first quarrel causes a flurry of emotions in the lovers, however, despite this, they still break off the relationship and then get back together.
The second breakup will no longer be so painful , and by the fifth, both partners will already get used to it and will consider the process a kind of routine. This is precisely the main reason for getting used to separation.
There are a number of other reasons why partners sometimes “Look Back”.
For women
- Incompleteness of relationships . The first break was sudden. Yes, the partners said their last goodbye to each other, but some unsaid things remained between them. Or a woman simply, for personal reasons, does not want to completely let go of her ex. This is especially true for those couples where the man initiated the separation.
- Time erases bad memories . After some time, the pain of the insult dulls and the woman is overwhelmed by a wave of nostalgia. That's how human memory works. After some time, the brain blocks the cause of the pain and the person begins to think that he made a mistake by breaking up with his partner.
- The virtues of a man . After breaking up, the girl begins to meet new people, but in no man can she find the qualities that were in her former partner. The brain persistently begins to whisper that you need to return to it. Which is what happens over time.
For men
- Habit . Men get used to their partner very quickly. Especially if the couple lives together. Having lost this, the man tries to find another girl with similar qualities. If the search is unsuccessful, he begins to be drawn to renewing his previous relationship.
- Loss of skills . A man, having become accustomed to certain character traits of his partner, may lose the skills of meeting other girls. This also contributes to his return to his ex. However, over time, he begins to get used to the series of partings/meetings.
- Mutual friends . A man cannot let a woman go because of mutual friends. He constantly learns information about her from friends or through social media. networks. Over time, the romance resumes.
How to come out lucky the third time
After your second divorce, you will experience approximately the same emotions as after your first. But you have experience in rebuilding your life after breaking up with your husband, so you have the power to shorten this difficult period. So, be sure to pull yourself together and don’t get stuck in depression.
If you manage to figure out the reasons for breaking up with both husbands, think about what kind of family you want and what kind of man you want. Ask yourself what sacrifices and concessions you are ready for for the sake of a man and for the sake of your family. Before you build a relationship, take a break and just immerse yourself. There is no need to look for a partner again. Believe me, many women feel much better alone than when they were married. Even if you love him or loved him, now you have a chance to truly love the person closest to you, that is, yourself. So use it.
And of course, you don’t need to consider yourself a failure. Two divorces are not a stigma, but an experience that you need in order to change for the better, learn something good and understand people. Analyze why you needed a second divorce.
