Attack as Defense
If a spouse threatens divorce, he may be trying to force the other spouse to do what he wants, gaining the upper hand in a verbal argument. Sometimes the threat of divorce is used to deliberately harm a husband or wife, or as a defense mechanism when one is in pain. The subject of the dispute can trigger an emotional response in some people, leaving them feeling angry, hurt and confused. In response, such people may try to do something that they know will scare their spouse, such as threatening to file for divorce.
If your wife threatens divorce
We didn’t see each other for half a year, but sometimes we talked on Skype. I met another man. He started demanding that we get married. but 07/05/2013 Good afternoon, I ask for your help. My common-law husband is threatened by his ex-wife, blackmailing him with a pedophilia trial. He raised her daughter from 3 to 12, and they had another child together; he left the family on January 14, 2014 Hello! The Ministry of Internal Affairs hotline received a call from citizen G. that I was allegedly threatening my ex-wife. A local police officer came and took an explanatory note. It turned out that such citizen G.
How seriously should you take threats of divorce?
When every quarrel a husband or wife talks about divorce, you need to take this seriously. Whether a spouse is actually considering divorce or using threats as leverage in an argument, or something bad is going on in the marriage, these warning signs should not be ignored. You should think, perhaps it’s time to solve the accumulated problems, because the marriage is in trouble. If there are prerequisites for a valid divorce, you need to make every effort to save the family.
Keep calm
Psychologists who advise married couples have seen thousands of clients on the verge of divorce; sometimes they have met those who have already filed for divorce, but have successfully passed the reconciliation period and were able to return to the family. If at every quarrel your husband talks about divorce or your wife does the same thing over and over again, you need to show your partner that you are a kind and loving person with whom your spouse fell in love, and not a nervous, angry psychopath from whom you want to run away.
When spouses quarrel and in anger someone may throw out an offensive phrase or constantly hint at divorce, it is better not to immediately try to shout down and agree to a divorce, but to calmly offer to talk later, when passions have subsided.
We simulate situations
Based on real stories of women who have encountered a crisis in marital relations in life, we will try to model the behavior of spouses in different conditions.
- A man stays late at work, constantly spends his free time at the computer or drinks beer with friends, returning home drunk, threatens physical violence, does not pay attention to the fact that his wife takes full responsibility for housework and childcare, and refuses to help her. In a quarrel, she tries to prove him wrong and threatens to break up. The partner either agrees or tries to improve, but it doesn’t last long. In the first case, perhaps he was just waiting for a convenient excuse for divorce, not wanting to be responsible for the collapse of the family. The second option did not work due to insufficient motivation, if the wife is constantly blackmailing with divorce, but things don’t go beyond words, there is nothing to be afraid of. Psychologists advise living separately for a short time (1-2 months), and it is better for the husband to move out rather than the wife. During this period, it will become clear how dear his family is to him and whether he wants to keep it. This can be judged by his behavior: searching for opportunities to meet, attention to children, financial assistance. Based on the results, you need to make a final decision whether you need to live together again.
- An important and effective factor can be the husband’s attitude towards children. If he loves them, has an established relationship with them, and during the next conflict the wife says that she will divorce and the children will stay with her, this can radically change the relationship between the partners. Here it is extremely important not to go too far; when a wife blackmails her husband, using the opportunity to limit his communication with the children, he can only become angry with her. Common love for children should become a consolidating factor, and not vice versa.
- When a couple is already living separately, the wife should not even try to scare her partner with an official divorce. It is quite possible that he has long come to terms with the inevitability of this, and if the wife tells her husband about filing an application for alimony for herself and the children, this can significantly make him think about his future fate.
- If a woman constantly threatens to dissolve her marriage, says in a quarrel that she will leave her husband, but does not take real steps, then this plays against her. As a result, the husband gets used to it and accepts these conversations as ordinary; this will only lead the conflict situation to a dead end. Moreover, he can present himself to relatives and acquaintances as a hero who, without following his wife’s lead, tries to save the family. To resolve the crisis situation, decisive measures must be taken. For example, after another quarrel, energetically pack your things and leave, waiting until the man himself tries to return his wife.
The most important thing in family life is to maintain mental contact and not lose common ground. In order to avoid situations that could lead to divorce, both partners are required to make efforts to maintain a harmonious relationship. You should not cut from the shoulder. Experience says that there is almost always an amicable way out of the situation. It is worth considering that if a woman threatens divorce, then this will not bring her any benefit in the long run. It is worth telling your partner about this if the spouse really firmly decided to end the relationship with him.
Tatiana Sharanda
practical psychologist, family and marriage consultant, head of the psychological development center
The realization of being abandoned is difficult for both women and men
— It is very difficult to say that divorce is harder for someone, men or women. Firstly, it all depends on the situation, and secondly, on the personal qualities of each person.
Of course, if we talk about general statistics, women are more sensitive by nature, but still the main factor is who left whom. There is almost always someone who has been abandoned. It's usually harder for him. The person who leaves is a priori stronger. The psychological pressure on the abandoned person can be extremely strong. Sometimes even men cannot cope with such situations. Moreover, they often seek salvation in alcohol, gambling, and so on.
- But it also happens that the decision is made mutually. The ending is not always tragic.
- Certainly. There are such couples, and I have deep respect for them. Unfortunately, not everyone can come to an agreement. Good relationships between former spouses are rarely maintained. But people came to me who, despite the divorce, are still friends. And at the reception they were about problems with their common child.
For example, one baby showed psychological difficulties, and both parents were interested in holding him and helping him understand himself. This is a wonderful example to others.
Divorce, get married, get divorced again, get married again
— They say that if one of the spouses has the idea of divorce in principle, then there is no turning back. Sooner or later there will be a break.
- And here we cannot say for sure. Situations vary. It depends on what roles each person plays within the family, which inner self dominates.
There are couples where both he and she are teenagers within themselves, regardless of their real age. In this case, everything is unpredictable, because for them the relationship is rather a game. In words, spouses get divorced almost every day. Gradually, even those around them get used to their scandals. There are times when people actually get divorced. Then they get married again. Then they get divorced again and... get married (laughs). This is their personal journey of growing up. Often in such marriages the child takes on the role of the adult. Paradoxical but true! He is the most responsible and wise in the house. He had to become like this in order to at least survive.
A marriage where one of the partners plays the role of a parent can last quite a long time, since a mature person understands a lot, is not afraid to take responsibility and knows how to give in.
There are unions where the husband and wife are both independent individuals, both adults. In this case, the reason for divorce is usually very serious, for example, a discrepancy between the sexual constitution. When one of the partners is hyperactive, and the other is much less interested in the intimate side of life. Or someone has not just a fleeting relationship on the side, but a strong attachment that gradually develops into true love, and being together is simply unbearable.
Society no longer blames a wife who leaves the family
— Based on your experience, who most often initiates divorce?
— You might be surprised: today these are more and more often women! They can provide for themselves financially, their parents help them, they have ambitions, personal goals, society no longer blames a wife who leaves the family, it is no longer a shame. Sometimes it is almost impossible to reach the modern Amazon. If she decides something for herself, it’s difficult to stop her.
— Inner freedom is good. But is the decision to burn bridges always the right one?
— I am probably a very conservative psychologist. Today independence and strength are promoted. However, it seems to me that we need to try to save the family to the last. You shouldn't make hasty conclusions. After all, you can regret it very much later, and it’s not always possible to get everything back.
A lot of people come to me, and I can say with complete confidence that children suffer the most from the separation of their parents. These include psychological problems that accompany later in adulthood, and various diseases caused by severe nervous stress. And in adolescence, suicidal thoughts may even arise. And these are not unfounded statements, but real situations that I, as a specialist, had to deal with. The psyche of children is quite flexible, but boys and girls aged 13-17 are extremely sensitive.
For 47 years the man carried within himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment
— Is it worth saving a marriage solely for the sake of children?
- If this is impossible, I always ask parents to at least try to maintain warm relations with each other. This is important for children. Don’t swear, don’t find out in front of them who is right and who is wrong, try to come to some kind of compromise, because, as I already said, the situation of divorce greatly hurts boys and girls. If you do not pay attention to this in time, the pain will torment a person throughout his life.
Just recently I talked with a woman who is already 47 years old. Her dad left the family when she was little. This is how the situation developed. She did not see her father. I decided to do this only now. I found out the address and visited my parent, who had long since moved to Moscow. The meeting turned out to be very warm. The father was glad for his daughter’s arrival, he showed her the capital and told her about his fate. The woman admitted that she only now realized: all her life she felt inferior. And only now she felt better. For almost 47 years the man carried within himself a tormenting feeling of abandonment.
— Have there been any cases in your practice when people regretted getting divorced?
— I ask about this, and usually a positive answer to this question is given by people who are well over 35.
- What is the main reason?
— A relationship on the side that the partner could not forgive, even if it was actually something not serious at all.
I only know three good reasons for divorce
— How do you understand that a divorce is really necessary, because there are such situations?
— So that you understand better, I’ll tell you a little story. Back in the Soviet Union, I read a letter from a woman in a very serious magazine. This was a kind of message to all people. She wrote about her life. The narrator had a wonderful family: a good husband and two children, peace and quiet. But the woman began to notice that her husband began to move away - he devoted all his free time only to the kids. At some point, the wife began to ask questions. The husband honestly answered that she was very dear to him and he respected her immensely, but... only as the mother of their children, it turned out that he fell in love with another.
The woman cried, was offended, cursed. He endured and did not make excuses. The man was very attached to the children; he could not leave his family. Yes, his wife internally did not let him go. Slowly and painfully, the realization came to her that a person dear to her was simply dying before her eyes. A conversation took place and they parted.
Without waiting for the morning, he took some things and rushed towards his dream. However, he was in such a hurry that he lost control and crashed. In an instant, hope and support for everyone disappeared. In the letter, she asked not to repeat her mistake, but to understand and accept the feelings of another and, no matter how painful it may be, to let go.
What is this story for? Love is the most important reason
. If you feel that they are not lying to you, that a serious feeling is forcing a person to leave, then you need to come to terms with it.
The second reason is any human addiction
, be it alcohol, drugs, gambling. If a person is not ready to fight with himself, it is impossible to pull him out of the swamp, no matter how hard his spouse tries, he will have to drown together. Here I have a rather tough position, because this is true. Too many broken destinies. There are no former people with addictions.
The third reason is violence.
I think everyone understands this. Don't wait for the aggressor to eventually cripple you physically or mentally. Pack your things, seek help, support and leave. There are always options.
It seems to me that there are three main factors. In all other cases, I advise you not to rush into a decision.
Take off your rose-colored glasses!
“Maybe you should ask yourself some questions to better understand what’s going on in your soul?”
— Without going to a psychologist, you can go through projective techniques for unfinished sentences on the topic “Family Relationships.” In them you just need to finish the saying. It is advisable to do this together, and then exchange the results obtained; they will surprise both. Only I recommend turning to serious psychological sites.
When we get married, we often confuse expectations with reality, endowing our partner with non-existent qualities, perceiving his behavior from a position that is convenient for us at a given moment in time. And as experience shows, taking off the “rose-colored glasses” and seeing a person from a different angle is very painful.
If partners simply decide to talk to each other, this is already a serious step forward! I take my hat off to people like that. Unfortunately, more and more often couples come to me where he or she demands in an almost commanding tone: “Explain to my husband (wife) what he (she) must do!” Such statements have long ceased to amaze me. Unfortunately, we hear only ourselves and our pain, without thinking about what is going on in the soul of another person. I always want to tell such people: “It’s time to take off the rose-colored glasses!” Although this should have been done before marriage. If you are not ready to accept another person, then it is better not to enter into a relationship. And if we change, then only together.
One more little sketch. I often watch people. What can you do, that's the job. So I remember one scene well (although it is repeated more than once in other interpretations). In the underground. The train arrived. A young couple at the station says goodbye. He kissed her and she walked forward. At the very doors of the transport, the girl turned around to look at the guy. But the young man had already taken out his phone and buried his nose in it. Not a very pleasant situation, you will agree. The girl never received the message she was hoping for.
It would seem nonsense! But it is in the little things that the truth can be seen. I can predict future relationships between people based on this story alone. And my verdict will be discouraging. The relationship is at the initial stage, but already here it is worth asking yourself whether this is the right person and whether we really need each other.
Freedom is too tempting
— Today it is fashionable to say “we took a break” when a couple decided to separate for a while and live separately. Is this method useful?
- I guess, yes. However, there is one thing. Freedom can be too tempting. Primarily for men.
Why do problems start in marriage? There are no obligations during the candy-bouquet period. Today we met, went to the cinema, and tomorrow we decided to relax. There are more positive emotions, and it’s too early to make any complaints. And then you have to be with the person constantly, overcome obstacles together, get used to each other. And for some this is extremely difficult. So it is here. If you feel the taste of freedom again, there is a tantalizing desire to fly away forever. When the wave of joy from independence subsides, it may turn out that this freedom was not really needed.
— Can you give advice on saving a marriage?
- Tell each other about your shortcomings. When I tell my clients this, their eyes widen. And yet, yes, let a man honestly say that from time to time he throws socks all over the apartment, that he doesn’t know how to hang frames on the walls, and so on, and a woman admits that she only knows how to cook scrambled eggs, and sometimes gets upset over little things.
Taking off the mask of ideality, we begin to move towards each other. Before marriage, both men and women often idealize their partner and expect a certain attitude in advance, but then it turns out that everything is not as beautiful as it was in their dreams.
In any situation, try to conduct a dialogue, not a verbal duel, put yourself in your partner’s place, think, then act. This does not always save the marriage, but, believe me, it will preserve your nerves and respect for each other.
“Do you really want to get a divorce? If yes, then get a divorce, I don’t want to share my life with a woman who doesn’t love me! I'll figure out the rest somehow. If not, then don’t let me hear it again, otherwise next time the conversation will end on your proposal!” (This form of monologue will allow you to take her by surprise, because she wanted to set a condition, and you blocked it with yours, making it clear that you are ready to sacrifice marriage for your peace of mind).
Don't beg and don't bend
If a wife or husband often talks about divorce during a quarrel, you should not ask and beg not to do this, perhaps he or she is just waiting for this. In fact, some people are excellent manipulators who enjoy this behavior, although in reality their thoughts may be far from divorce. Therefore, a good solution is to let go of the situation in a conflict, take a step back and mind your own business. The most important thing is not to become hysterical, but to be calm. It is important during a quarrel and during the period of threats to divorce not to shout at your partner, not to ask for anything or to be dramatic.
My husband constantly threatens me with divorce.
The following fits into the spectrum of attribute analysis: Who owned the living space before the wedding? If the apartment is yours or a relative’s, then after the divorce the wife will have to move in with her mother - the advantage is yours; Do you have any children together? If so, then it will be easier for you to raise without a wife, and the child will have less psychological and moral trauma that children receive when observing unhealthy parents interacting; Alimony There is no need to be afraid to pay it, everything can be proven in court, for example, by providing receipts for the purchase of toys, clothes, books... and do not transfer the money personally into the hands of your ex, but spend it while your son or daughter is with you; Estimate your salary and current family expenses based on your share. Most women who rate themselves highly are in low-paid positions. If the family budget decreases significantly without your money, behave more boldly.
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