It seems that the spouses who celebrated their silver wedding will grow old together and die on the same day. They have adult children, perhaps they already have grandchildren, they lived together - no joke! - a quarter of a century and it seems nothing can shake their relationship. But in reality, everything is far from being as rosy as it looks at the celebration of another wedding anniversary. If there are problems in the family, they grow every year, if there is a crack, then time only increases it.
Divorce after 30 years of marriage or more is quite possible. Sometimes a very good reason is needed for this, and sometimes no apparent reason is needed. It all depends on how the relationship between the spouses developed all these years, how they felt in each other’s company.
First days
It doesn’t matter whether the marriage lasted or not, the breakup of a relationship is always experienced as grief.
In the first days after a divorce, a woman and a man are in shock. This condition does not have clear time boundaries and can last from several days to a month. It's very difficult to believe what happened.
At this time, the help of family and friends is important. It is necessary to share your experiences, otherwise you can fall into deep depression and it will not be easy to get out of this state.
Photo: experiencing a breakup
Choose your words wisely
Telling your partner about divorce can be difficult.
There is no need to make the situation worse by blaming your spouse for shortcomings or using phrases like “You are not able to satisfy me,” “You are not the one I want to continue living with,” etc. after 25 years of marriage. If the decision to separate is made irrevocably, in this case there is no need to give hope in a conversation with your spouse that the marriage can be saved. Otherwise, it can only create problems later in the future. In a frank conversation, it is better to admit that both contributed to the destruction of the marriage and that it is pointless to try to figure out who is more to blame.
How to get your feelings in order
After a divorce, women feel disappointed and hate men.
You need to quickly get rid of these feelings and put your thoughts in order, otherwise it will be very difficult to improve your life in the future.
If a woman cannot relieve psychological stress on her own, it is recommended to consult a professional psychologist.
To cope with trouble and calm the nervous system, you need to rest more often, give smiles, visit entertainment venues, communicate with colleagues and friends.
Aerobics, fitness, and swimming in the pool are good for relieving nervous tension. Don't forget that new opportunities are opening up for you.
Photo: working out in the gym will help relieve nervous tension
There is no need to adhere to the stereotypical opinion that with divorce comes the end of a good life, and to think of men as natural-born egoists.
Look at the problem from the other side. After all, after a divorce, you can start a new life, with a clean slate and there should be no room for worries!
How to start a new life after a divorce from your husband
Many people are afraid to start all over again. They are tormented by a lot of questions: “What will I do next?”, “Where will I go?”, “How will my new life turn out?”
Before starting a new life, psychologists advise going through 8 stages of self-preparation:
- If you are sad, be sad! After a divorce, women begin to “dig” into themselves and work on their mistakes. It begins to seem that most of the actions were wrong. Or, on the contrary, it seems to you that you did everything perfectly, but for some reason they did not understand you and did not support you. You can torment your mind for quite a long time, but you cannot allow thoughts to fill your brain! After all, people don’t cry over spilled milk for a long time.
- How are you feeling at the moment? Understand your feelings. Pour out your soul to a psychotherapist, or mom. Under no circumstances should you hush up what is gnawing at you, otherwise negative emotions will slowly poison your life.
- Love yourself! Don’t be fooled into thinking that you were the reason for the divorce. Find an exciting hobby for yourself, set a specific goal and strive to achieve it!
Photo: Having gained confidence, you will be completely freed from past life experiences - Find the hidden possibilities within yourself. Try to mentally return to the time before marriage. Remember what you liked most. Maybe you loved going to parties, going to cinemas, but with your boring husband you had to stay at home. You need to reinvent yourself.
- Change your image. You can get a new hairstyle, dye your hair a different color, or take up extreme sports so that the released adrenaline does not allow bad thoughts to enter your head. You need to live and enjoy life!
- Don't rush into new relationships. The first time after a divorce is better to be alone. But this does not mean that you will sit alone. There are many lonely people in the world, so you need to find friends among them and spend more time in their company.
- Don't be afraid to experiment! It is recommended to meet a person who is a completely unusual type for you. For example, if you were crazy about brutal and self-confident men, try to find yourself a modest and quiet romantic.
Photo: a new acquaintance may be the thread that will lead to a new relationship - Decide on new roles and social responsibilities. Living married life, each of you had your own responsibilities. Now you yourself will deal with financial issues and raising children. You will have to educate them and get them back on their feet. Don’t despair, feel free to take on the whole load and you will succeed. The main thing to remember is that now you must rely only on yourself.
By listening to the advice of psychologists, you can improve your life after a divorce. Stop crying, it's time to move on!
What reasons for divorce may arise are described in the article: reasons for divorce.
Read here how important it is for a woman to have a man's help in caring for a child.
What problems and features arise?
After a divorce, a woman feels completely empty and unwanted. Every breakup is experienced differently. It depends on how many years the spouses have been married together, whether they have children or not.
If there are no children
A single woman experiences a divorce more difficult and may become depressed. Emerging mental disorders and lack of meaning in future life can lead to suicide. Relatives and friends should help her, encouraging her and distracting her from the negativity.
A single woman loses a lot after a divorce:
- communication with husband's friends;
- friendship with married friends;
- many connections.
Photo: loneliness is not a death sentence.
It's time to forget everything and start a new life! To brighten up loneliness, many try to find her unmarried men from their circle of acquaintances.
With a child or two children
After a divorce, children in most cases remain with their mother. Having received the status of an incomplete family, this can affect the child, since there will be at least one cruel child who will bully him all the time.
In an incomplete family, all financial responsibility for the wealth in the family falls on the shoulders of the mother. She has to find a source of additional income - get another job.
The pursuit of wealth exhausts a woman, leaving her less time to raise children. It happens that all the negative emotions that she experiences are transferred to the children’s shoulders, turning the child against his father.
If a woman and her child have no place to live, she returns to her parents. It's good if they love their daughter and grandson or grandchildren. Then it will be easier for the woman to survive the separation from her loved one.
But there are cases when, having returned to the parental home, an unbearable life begins for an incomplete family. Parents constantly reproach their “careless” daughter for not being able to protect her family from collapse.
In this case, the bitterness of divorce intensifies. the woman suffers not only from separation, but also from the fact that they have become a burden to their parents.
Photo: in a single-parent family, a child should not feel inferior; a mother should spend more time with her daughter
Divorce after 25-30 years of marriage deals an even greater blow to ex-spouses. It happens that, after living for so many years in marriage, a husband leaves for a young mistress. The woman is left alone with her thoughts.
It is good if adult children live nearby and can often visit her and help her. Grandchildren can also brighten up loneliness. But it doesn't always work out that way. Adult children have long had their own families and are more concerned about the safety of their home.
Sometimes a woman, trying to protect her family from violence, decides to get rid of her alcoholic or drug addict husband. Life after a divorce from an alcoholic takes on new meaning.
The woman realizes that she will never again hear drunken curses and abuse of her and her child. But the bitterness of resentment still torments her. A woman is hurt because her husband traded his family for a bottle.
Continue to live without a husband
Women are considered to be more emotional when expressing their feelings compared to men. It is easier for a woman to survive a divorce after 20 years of marriage if she initiated it or if both spouses made the decision.
But, when the husband cheated and leaves for his mistress, then most likely you will need a consultation with a specialist. A psychologist usually advises to first calm down and try to understand the reasons for what happened.
The main thing is, when breaking up with your husband, be with people more often. There is no need to feel sorry for yourself or blame yourself for the divorce. It’s better to think about how to improve your future life. But, in any case, it takes time for passions to subside, for resentment and feelings of self-pity to go away after living together for a long time with your spouse.
Often men leave the family because of the abundant attention they receive from their wives. A life completely devoted to the husband does not bring satisfaction to the wife. And subsequently it is very painful to come to terms with an unexpected divorce after 32 years of marriage.
How to improve a woman's intimate life
First of all, you need to get rid of complexes. Many people cannot imagine an intimate life with a new man, since for a long time she had only one partner. It is important to increase your self-esteem. You shouldn’t turn away from men and avoid new acquaintances.
Trying to improve their intimate life, women rush from one extreme to another. Some withdraw into themselves, others, on the contrary, become dirty in promiscuous sexual relations.
Nothing good will come of either scenario or the second. A woman must teach herself to respect herself and only after that try to find a new man.
Photo: forward! To new relationships!
Should you get a divorce after many years of marriage?
Everyone answers this question themselves. You need to get a divorce when it is impossible to live together. You definitely need to leave an alcoholic, a drug addict, a pathological liar, a cruel and aggressive person, a traitor. Moreover, you should break up with your spouse if his presence threatens the physical and mental health of family members.
If you just got bored, wanted to experience a thrill, find a new partner, then it is better to first try to eliminate the cause of boredom in the family, try to find new interests together with your spouse, and then only decide on a divorce if nothing works out. Gone passion and subsided love can be turned into strong, tender friendship. This is why long-term unions are valuable - the spouses in them are not just partners in life together, but also true friends.
After a breakup in the same apartment
Psychologists believe that living together with former spouses can provoke a surge of new emotions, which will often be nothing more than an illusion.
Some couples, succumbing to a new feeling, resume their relationship again. But after a few weeks it suddenly becomes clear that they were mistaken and begin to express dissatisfaction.
In order not to irritate each other, you will have to solve everyday problems. It is better if each spouse has a separate room, their own dishes, and a separate shelf in the refrigerator.
It is necessary to agree on the time at which they will use the washing machine and prepare food in the kitchen.
Peaceful resolution of everyday issues will brighten up living together.
If you are facing life after a divorce with a tyrant under the same roof, then in this case you need to think carefully and weigh the pros and cons. It would be better for a woman to move in with relatives rather than live in conditions of constant stress.
A tyrant, an alcoholic, a jealous person will never change for the better, so the weaker half is recommended to sell their share in the apartment and find a new home.
Mistakes that lead to divorce
Some married couples wonder how their relationship got to the point of divorce. Sometimes the reasons need to be looked for at the very beginning of family life:
- in the first year of living together, it was clear that the family could not be saved. But the couple continued to live without love, hoping that this could be fixed;
- During family life, both spouses did not want to find common solutions to emerging problems. Thus, irritation and dissatisfaction with each other accumulated.
These are the most common reasons leading to divorce after 37 years of marriage. It is important from the first day of family relationships to try to build them together. Somewhere you need to give in to your partner, overlook something, in order to eliminate resentment and omissions in the future.
Life after divorce for a man
Men are only outwardly strong. In fact, the internal experiences of the current situation for them can turn into the collapse of their own life, and the man will gradually slide down.
To avoid self-flagellation, you will need to ask your loved ones for help. A man is happy when someone needs him, so friends and relatives should communicate with him more often and increase his self-esteem.
Photo: men also have a hard time parting with the woman they love
But sometimes a man’s life can take a completely unattractive scenario:
- Tendency to self-destruction. If a man does not require any help and suppresses his emotions, he will never cope with his condition alone. In this situation, outside help and support is important.
- Drugs and alcohol. Bad habits, as it seems to some representatives of the stronger sex, “artificially” improve life after a divorce. He closes his eyes and tries to forget about his feelings. But all this is only for a while. Having sobered up, he again returns to painful experiences. Those close to him should not allow him to sink to the very bottom.
- Escape from problems by car. After a divorce, a man remains in a state of insensitivity. He wants to quickly jump into the car and rush wherever his eyes look. This can only bring him temporary relief, but the feelings will still remain in place, no matter where he tries to hide from them.
- Promiscuous sexual intercourse. After a divorce, a man closes the path to his heart and simply looks for girlfriends to spend time with, without having any feelings for them. Thus, he is trying to get psychological release.
Life stories
The story of divorce after 10 years of marriage between Catherine and Andrey:
My husband and I lived for 10 happy years, at least it seemed so to me. And when my husband proposed divorce, it was not just a shock, but a strong blow. I couldn’t cope with the nervous system disorder on my own. I had to go to see a psychologist.
Just a few sessions helped me believe that life has not stopped, it continues. I made new acquaintances, I found an interesting job, that is, I found a new meaning in life. For my ex-husband, life turned out differently.
At first he looked calm and even encouraged me. But then I became addicted to alcohol. First beer, then came stronger drinks. He was fired from a good job, he lost the meaning of life.
Having met with him, I suggested that he go to see a psychologist. It turned out that he carefully hid his experiences; in fact, he did not know how to start a new life.
I can't live like this! The story of Katya and Zhenya’s life together:
Having gotten to know each other, we decided not to wait too long and legitimize our relationship. Moreover, he immediately needed to go to another city for work. Left alone, I dreamed of meeting my beloved and believed that distance would not affect our feelings. But everything happened differently.
After the birth of the child, my husband had some unforeseen circumstances at work, and he could come home long after midnight. He also didn’t want to spend time with the child; I was the babysitter.
When my son turned 5 years old, I finally decided to put an end to our relationship. But I am concerned about several questions: “How can I provide for my family?”, “Will the child, when he grows up, be able to forgive me for breaking off relations with his father?”
Divorce is always painful. To make it easier to cope with feelings and stress, it is recommended to lead an active lifestyle, find a new activity, hobby, and do not shy away from new acquaintances. Only in this way will you return to life and make full use of its gifts.
How to determine who is the boss in the family, the article will help: who is the boss in the family.
Is it worth correcting an infantile man, see on the page.
Find out how body positivity helps in life from this information.
Empty nest syndrome
The most difficult period for loving parents is when their grown-up children fly out of the nest. They grow up, go to study in another city, start families, build a career and an independent life. And, interestingly, only in Russian families is this experienced as a tragedy - in American and European families, 17-year-old teenagers are almost kicked out of their homes into adulthood. That’s why overseas universities are usually located in special academic campuses, and none of the students come to classes directly from home. And after studying - the first income, a career, and all this only outside the parental home. The parents are very happy about this because they have finally begun to live for themselves.
But in our native country, a poor mother will collect parcels for her over-aged child every weekend, put aside half of her salary so that he has something to live for, and after finishing his last year he will desperately pull in and ask that his son or daughter build their career in quiet native village. Of course, the child does not agree and rushes to free bread in big cities, which the parents lament for another year, and then resign themselves. But it’s bad if they continue to live only by communicating with their children who have moved away. After all, a child is just one of the stages of the family, and there is life after his entry into adulthood.
Remember how you dreamed of relaxation and free time, when you held a funny little man in rompers in your arms, when a fluffy naughty boy, sticking out his tongue, solved a math problem together with all his relatives, when a restless teenager had to be pulled out of a nightclub with his own hands. Well, now - freedom!
