How to convince a wife not to get a divorce, how to convince a wife to save the family?

A successful tandem of a man and a woman is one of the most important goals in the life together of most people.
Especially when it seems that everything is serious: there are certain plans, sincere desires to be together always.

But mutual ambitions, inability to hear each other and many other circumstances can prevent even a harmonious and loving couple from building a happy union.

In this case, it is necessary to admit in time: the relationship needs to be saved, and this is daily and difficult work for both men and women. Let's take a closer look at how to save a relationship, a marriage on the verge of divorce.

Signs of discord in a relationship

The main signs that a tandem is on the verge of breaking:

insincerity, concealment of details, lack of trust, desire to isolate oneself from a partner with a wall of personal space;
a feeling of distance from each other, giving rise to lies and hypocrisy;
lack of passion in the intimate sphere, reluctance to physical intimacy and sensual contacts;
frequent quarrels, disagreements with all the ensuing consequences - from unpleasant words in calm tones to breaking dishes in angry outbursts;
reluctance to be one whole, the desire for independence and loneliness - not just for a day, but in the long term;
regular rivalry, desire for leadership in the union;
neglect of the feelings of a loved one, disrespect for his feelings and interests, lack of understanding in basic matters.

The most common causes and solutions

There are countless reasons why families break up. From misunderstanding, discrepancy between expectations and reality, inability to find compromises, “role pulling” to betrayal and the quarrelsome nature of one of the spouses. We will not analyze each reason now; we will focus only on the most common ones.

Lack of mutual understanding with husband

This reason is associated with the appearance of small children in the family. The life of a wife, as a rule, becomes cyclical and monotonous. She doesn’t have days off, she doesn’t have the right to have a headache, she can’t even get enough sleep. The wife becomes tense, irritated, angry, and increasingly takes out her bad mood on her husband. He does not notice or sincerely does not understand why his missus is so “tired”, because it is HIM who has to work from morning to night. A misunderstanding arises between spouses, which leads the relationship to the brink of divorce.

To improve relationships, the wife needs to feel like a socially active person. To do this, ask your grandmother, grandfather, friend, sister, godfather to sit with the child at least a couple of times a week. Take this time for yourself. What you need? Watch a movie, lie in bed, go get a manicure, chat with a friend in a cafe? If there is no help from relatives, hire a nanny for a couple of hours. Just let your leisure time be relaxation, and not doing household chores. You will see that your mood will immediately fill the relationship with a happy atmosphere. The husband will want to return home sooner, the child will become calmer, and you will feel at peace.

Husband is tense and emotionally unstable

Relationships are on the verge of divorce if the spouse has psycho-emotional problems. The reasons are not important: overwork at work, tense relationships with parents, health problems, dissatisfaction with anything, chronic stress, lack of sleep. The result is the same - the husband becomes depressed, constantly tired, apathetic, “sick,” sad or irritated. The wife interprets his condition in her own way, which brings hysteria and discord into the relationship.

What should be done? First of all, a wise woman needs to understand that her husband is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And this means that he needs to be given much more care, affection, love, and attention than he had before. The husband will reconcile as soon as he understands that you sincerely wish him happiness and fully share your fears, anxieties and feelings with him.

The husband categorically refuses to engage in dialogue

Oh, this character! If your husband is one of those who withdraws after a quarrel, gets offended and categorically refuses to talk, your patience is limitless! But that's okay, everyone is different, and some of them need a little more time to cool down.

How to improve relationships on the verge of divorce in this case? Take a break, be patient, but don’t let things take their course. If your husband is tightly withdrawn into himself, simply show your goodwill and love. When walking him to work, say: “Bye, dear,” cook his favorite borscht, invite his mother (if they are on good terms), a married couple with whom you are friends, to visit. Let your husband not reciprocate your feelings, be patient. After a while, try to start a conversation on a friendly note, and if everything succeeds, carefully, without shouting or reproaching, explain your vision of the problem in the relationship.

The main thing is not to get into a pose, otherwise divorce will be difficult to avoid.

The husband is childish, spends a lot of time with friends

There are couples in which the wife has an additional child in the person of her own husband. Such relationships quickly find themselves on the verge of divorce, since the spouse cannot reach her partner and convey to him the importance of family values.

What to do if your husband keeps trying to disappear for the whole weekend? Psychologists recommend relaxing and finding something to do to your liking. It is important for some men to feel free and not infringed upon by anyone. If you are confident in his loyalty, then let it be so, there is no need for scandals. Be smart, make an agreement with him: today one goes for a walk, tomorrow another, this week you bathe your son, next week your husband. As soon as your spouse understands that you do not claim his freedom, the relationship will improve on its own.

Wrong priorities in the family

Relationships are often on the verge of breaking down if roles in the family are mixed up. For example, a wife becomes a despotic boss, a generator of business ideas, the one who will hammer a nail and stop a whole horde with her scream. If one partner is the first to occupy a free position, the second, as a rule, adjusts in the relationship and takes the remaining space. Otherwise, if the companions “butt heads”, it is impossible to maintain the relationship.

Discord in relationships begins because a woman breaks down and shows her dissatisfaction to her husband: he refuses to take responsibility for the family, is used to his wife deciding everything, is lacking initiative, weak, spineless, etc. This is a failure. If a woman wants to revive the relationship, she needs to give her husband a feeling of need and importance in the relationship. Do not order/lead/adjust, but gently ask, guide, adjust.

If your spouse's addiction is to blame

Addiction is a terrible disease, which (as you probably already know) is impossible to fight without additional help. Sometimes dissolution of a relationship is the best way out of the situation, but it so happens that wives become codependent on their sick husbands, trying with all their might to preserve the crippled union.

What to do with such relationships? Don’t let the situation take its course, don’t sacrifice your life, don’t threaten, blackmail, beg - it doesn’t work. At the moment when your husband is in a sober mind, having previously called relatives and people significant to him, explain that he is sick and no one except himself will help him. Nowadays there are many smart specialists who help overcome gambling, drug, and alcohol addiction; all you need is his consent and desire. Tell me honestly that you are not ready to carry an unbearable burden on yourself, no matter how strong your feelings are...

The same problems apply to cruel, authoritarian men who are used to proving they are right with their fists.

Yes, and be sure to read R. Norwood’s book “Women Who Loved Too Much.”

The husband has grown cold, has fallen out of love, or is stingy in expressing his feelings

If your husband has cooled down, you must realize that the relationship is about to be on the verge of divorce. Think, has your husband always been stingy in showing love (is it normal if so) or did something happen somewhere?

Pretending that nothing happened means that you have come to terms with it and are completely giving your husband a free hand. The main and only advice: frank conversation. Calm, unobtrusive, serious. Say that you have noticed a chill in the relationship and want to help overcome a temporary crisis, but you don’t know which direction to move. Say that you are incredibly pleased when your husband kisses you when you meet, covers you with a blanket, or calls you during your lunch break.

In addition, smile constantly, no matter what mood your husband is in, praise him more often, thank him, give him compliments. Contact him for help, let him know that you need him. Always ask about how his day was and what to cook for him to eat. Be stunning even at home, let him realize that an attractive woman lives with him, surprise him, delight him. If you feel that your spouse is tired, give him the opportunity to relax (get a massage or go for a walk with the children, let him lie in front of the TV).

Making peace with a spouse can be difficult, especially if a woman feels that the quarrel is not her fault. But it’s not for nothing that the fair sex was dubbed the keeper of the hearth. Who else but them can revive a fading relationship on the verge of divorce?

My husband cheated

If you decide to save your marriage, then for reconciliation, find the strength to understand some things:

if a man has not left you now, he will not do this in principle;
he cares about you, the house, the children, otherwise it was just a physical affair;
keep silent about his betrayal - yes, your mother can support you now, but then her attitude towards your son-in-law will bring you a lot of pain (it is strictly forbidden to initiate children into such secrets);
sincerely forgive your husband, try to understand his motives;
be open, don't close yourself off.

In addition, take the advice of family psychologists: do not pretend that nothing happened, show your husband that the betrayal hurt you. Do this only once, but then close this topic forever. If you are afraid to start this conversation, write him a letter. Show that you are ready to make peace with your husband and are open to working on the cracks in the relationship. It would be ideal to take a vacation together and change the environment.

Do not forgive your spouse right away, even if you have already forgotten everything in your heart, otherwise he will understand that the path was too simple. Evaluate his behavior: if your partner repents and asks for forgiveness, you have a chance to build a harmonious relationship. If the husband remains silent, blaming his wife for everything that happens, it is unlikely that you will be able to save the union. Yes, you can give him a second chance, however, according to psychologists, this does not calm down such men.

What to do before taking action?

Before starting an operation to save a relationship, you need to:

Find out from your partner the reasons why you wanted to leave . Admit to yourself that not everything is so smooth and do not try to manipulate, encouraging you to be with you against the wishes of your loved one.
Take a break, don’t force your communication right away . Cut off contact at least until there is a real chance to fix everything.
Ask for help - a close friend or a specialist . Any person who will help to adequately analyze the situation, understand it, overcome difficulties and, finally, start a new life.
Turn the emerging hole in your personal life into new opportunities - learn something new, go on a trip, etc. Remember that life goes on and does not end with the end of a relationship.

The biggest mistakes in conflicts

The most serious mistakes in conflicts are those that lead to a decrease in the partner’s self-esteem. Those words and actions that put pressure on his weak point. Remember, anything that lowers your partner’s self-esteem destroys your relationship.

A person’s self-esteem can be lowered by:

1. Referral to third parties. You are like your mom (dad).

2. Depreciation. Words: in general, never, you can’t do anything, you don’t know how, it’s absolutely impossible with you, you’re not capable of anything, you’ve never been able to, you always do everything wrong, you’re the same as always, everything is clear with you, you never. By uttering such sharply devaluing, radical words, you indicate that the person has made an extremely serious mistake, and at the same time you leave him no room for maneuver. This immediately sharply lowers self-esteem and does not allow him to turn around; with these words you pour concrete into him. It is impossible to hope that there will be no conflict after this.

3. Avoidance and avoidance of conversation also negatively affect the partner’s self-esteem. You do not allow him to speak out, be heard and solve the problem together. You deprive him of room for maneuver with the words: well, okay, okay, okay, I understand you, we’ll figure it out, we’ll see, okay. Words that allow you to avoid conversation and at the same time can offend, hurt, or infringe on your partner.

4. Disagreement. It is clear that the conflict itself is a consequence of disagreement, and if it arose, it was precisely because of a difference in opinions. But actively demonstrating your complete disagreement is an indicator that you are on the opposing team and have no intention of joining. Your partner, when faced with your “no,” either avoids or becomes irritated and attacks.

What to do if the other half wants to break up?

Let's try to figure out what is special about active actions for both sexes.

To a woman

The main tips are:

The main tool for resolving any disagreements is an honest conversation.
It is necessary to prepare for honest revelations - this is the only way the desired results will appear.
Here's what you need to understand:
1. What do we think is not working in a relationship and how does it manifest itself?
How does personal character and behavior influence this?
How does the character and behavior of a loved one influence this?
What exactly is the most difficult thing to accept in your case?
What concessions are you willing to make to prevent separation from happening?
Why do you want to improve family (partnership) relationships?
What effects do you expect to see and feel?
By preparing honest answers to the above questions, you will be able to provide a basis for a conversation in which it will be easier to control your emotions and express your feelings.
If you notice that in your relationship with a guy something has ceased to work out, and “everything is not the same as it was before,” you definitely need to make contact, but always taking into account the desired method of communication. Men usually expect a problem to be presented to them clearly and legibly so that a concrete solution can then be found.

To a man

The main advice of a psychologist:

It is easier for women to talk about their feelings and show them, including negative ones. If you often quarrel, hear numerous accusations from your chosen one, and you get the impression that the conflict is growing, taking the initiative and offering to talk will definitely be appreciated by a woman’s heart.
Try to show closeness, tenderness and understanding to her. Keep in mind that in addition to solving your problems, it may be very important for her to let go of accumulated emotions and receive support from you.
Announce specific changes, because non-empty promises are an important guarantee for her. When telling her your expectations, emphasize what you value and like about her. If a conversation becomes dangerously tense, break it off and return to it later.

How to save a family if the husband has grown cold?

Ladies have learned to be forgiving of some shortcomings, such as scattered socks, an unscrewed tube of toothpaste, and an unopened toilet seat. It's a completely different matter when it comes to intimate relationships. If your spouse is cold towards you, as they say, you need to ring all the bells. And let's start with ourselves. Take a short excursion into the past, remember the days when everything was fine. Analyze what has changed since then. And start taking action.

How to save a marriage, advice from a psychologist to wives will help you find the answer:

learn to smile, do it sincerely, enjoy even the little things;
unobtrusively ask how your spouse’s day went (just don’t interrogate);
thank you for any kind of attention and help;
ask for help, make it clear that you need it;
always watch your appearance, because even if you go to the store, put yourself in order, do not make an exception at home, for your spouse you should be the most attractive;
let your husband be alone, take the children and go to your parents for a week;
get involved in a common cause. As the cartoon cat Matroskin said: “...joint work, for my benefit, brings us together”;
involve your husband in various activities related to your children;
try to surprise your spouse, do something unusual for you. If you used to cry quietly in a corner, start a scandal, maybe by breaking dishes. If you can’t stand football, buy a couple of cans of beer, a vuvuzela and sit down next to your beloved on the sofa.

To save the family, you will have to mobilize all your best qualities, but you must not forget that working with relationships is a constant process that lasts a lifetime.

What should not be done to protect the union?

So, what not to do:

Take action and don’t put off dotting the i’s for a long time.
Try not to beat around the bush and pretend nothing is happening.
Don't use empty words - use exactly those examples that best illustrate true feelings.
Don't attack, but communicate and demonstrate your willingness to work on your relationship.
Avoid arguments and keep the conversation going in a way that makes both of you feel at ease and that external environmental factors do not cause disturbance.
Remove the high-pitched tone and pretension in your intonation: the more specific and gentle you are, the more likely your partner will be to work with you, inspired by the common goal of preserving the relationship.

How to restore healthy relationships step by step

So that you can completely understand and rebuild your personal life, I wrote for you the book “Into a happy relationship through self-love”, after reading which you can learn how to properly build communication with your loved one so that conflicts are only productive and lead to your overall development .

You will also be able to assert your own boundaries in the family without violating the space of another. You will learn what to do when there is a mismatch of values, when your standards and needs are different with your partner.

The most important thing is that you will learn to build a conflict so that both are satisfied with themselves and with each other. By completing the tasks in the book, you will step by step, step by step, re-build high-quality, warm and open relationships with your partner and, of course, with yourself. I can say with joy and pride that to date this book has already saved many couples who were on the verge of divorce. You can see the full description and get to know the book better here.

I remind you that I am a psychologist and provide online consultations. Relationships are the main profile of my work, and in consultation I will help you understand your problem, solve it and learn how to build relationships with your partner in a new, healthy way.

You can view information about consultations and sign up using the link. You can read more about me here.

Consequences of keeping a family on the verge of breaking up

In the further preservation of a relationship on the verge of divorce, much depends on what were the reasons for the failed separation. Understanding them, in fact, is the key to adopting the right strategy to restore the former union.

Problems that can arise include a lack of trust and one party being too involved. Remember that mistrust, excessive control and conflict are the first steps to betrayal, which usually begins with you telling the other person about it.

On the other hand, if you see that your partner is less interested than you in maintaining the tandem, perhaps you should admit to yourself that further “cooperation” does not make sense .

Reasons that keep people together

Often unhappy couples continue their relationship and are constantly on the verge of breaking up. What are the reasons for this behavior:

they do not see more attractive options for themselves with other partners;
a lot of time and effort was invested in this relationship, so it’s a pity to ruin it;
people are actually satisfied with the relationships they have.

If a relationship falls apart, how to save the family?

Let’s make a reservation right away: not all relationships can be saved. Moreover, there must be a conscious understanding of the need to preserve the family. When it comes to domestic violence, drug addiction, or a long-term prison sentence for one of the spouses, divorce may be the only option.

Marriage should be preserved when there is hope and desire for this. If you are at a crossroads, recommendations from friends and relatives do not have the desired effect - contact a professional. A specialist will help reveal all the nuances of the reasons for the breakdown of relationships, and practical advice from a psychologist will tell you how to save your family. Don't waste time. Advice from psychologist-hypnologist Nikita Valerievich Baturin will help you understand how to save a marriage.

What relationships don't make sense to preserve?

Unfortunately, there are also situations when an attempt to save a partnership or marriage is doomed to failure. If all your dreams of a wonderful and bright future together are crumbling in a series of delusions, you should not put off the final breakup for a long time. You need to be able to say goodbye to a person forever in time.

This should be done without hesitation in cases where the other party:

subject to bad habits and addictions;
often uses physical and moral violence, exerts psychological pressure;
refuses to take on responsibilities, such as working and providing for a child, or parenting;
regularly has sexual relations on the side.

Reasons for divorce

All married couples are completely different, with their own traditions and stories. If a marriage is falling apart at the seams, this trouble can be caused by various reasons. A psychologist will tell you what to do to prevent family breakdown. Experts analyzed the prerequisites leading to the end of a marriage. In their opinion, the main reasons for divorce are:

Treason. It can break even the strongest relationships, destroy even the strongest love. In former times, women were convinced that men were polygamous, that they were hunters by nature, they needed a new object of passion for self-affirmation, that there was no man who would not go to the left at least once. But for a modern woman, even the slightest affair with her chosen one is a reason to end all relationships with him, even if you have lived together for many years. The situation may worsen if the partner becomes infected with a sexually transmitted disease or HIV infection.
Alcohol and drug addiction. Few spouses are willing to put up with the addictions of their loved one for a long time. In addition to these two addictions, two more have been added in our time - computer and gaming (gambling).
No children. If a husband or wife does not want or due to health reasons cannot leave offspring, separation can be predicted for this couple. Even if one of the spouses is infertile, it is not the disease itself that leads to divorce, but a categorical reluctance to correct the situation, for example, through adoption.
Partners are incompatible. This doesn't just apply to characters. Any disagreements can lead to a breakup, for example, if spouses have different national, religious, political beliefs, or they have different views on the process of raising children.
Material problems. Especially if one of the spouses refuses to look for work. Interesting fact: a couple of decades ago, women feared that they might be left alone, without the financial support of their husband, with a child. Modern ladies have adapted socially; they have no need to hold on to a boring marriage. Women often make successful careers and solve problems themselves. Becoming a nanny for an adult man is not part of their plans.
Inability of spouses to cope with difficulties. This often occurs in young families. A young husband and wife find themselves unprepared for everyday difficulties, especially if the reason for marriage was the bride’s pregnancy. A child is born and caring for him leads to a breakup. Another reason for divorce after the birth of a baby is the situation when the new mother devotes all her time to the child, and the husband has not gotten used to the new role and does not perceive himself as a father.
Intervention by third parties. Relatives and friends, imposing their opinions on how to live on the family, with their advice destroy the harmony within the marriage, thereby forcing the spouses to separate.
Couples who have been married for decades face another problem: grown children leave the house, and a void is created. If the spouses stayed married only for the sake of the children, after they began to live independently, the need to preserve the family disappears.
Illness or disability of a husband or wife can also lead to divorce if the healthy spouse does not find the strength and courage to cope with the difficulties that have arisen.
The use of physical or mental violence also leads to divorce.
Intimate problems. If one or both spouses are dissatisfied with intimate relationships in marriage, this will inevitably lead to the breakdown of the family.

The best advice from psychologists on how to stop being jealous of your husband towards everyone and become a confident woman

Conflict leading to development

A relationship without any conflict is most likely a relationship without love. Conflicts are also necessary, they must exist, at least 10% must be negative in the family, because it is thanks to these ten percent that everything else that is positive is valued. The main thing is not to catastrophize what is happening, not to generalize shortcomings, not to criticize a person, not to make the person himself bad and guilty in a conflict. Don't lower his self-esteem.

So, how to improve relations with your husband on the verge of a crisis in family relations? Talk about what is happening to you, how you feel, why exactly you are unhappy, what doesn’t suit you and what you would like. Don't criticize your partner, don't criticize his personality. Do not attribute to him as a person his actions, his behavior. Talk about yourself, your own feelings and wishes. Learn from these conversations to recognize yourself and your desires. Open up to yourself and your partner, pull out internal dissatisfaction in the form of a story about yourself, and not in the form of accusations, and then you will significantly increase the likelihood of a positive outcome.