Pay attention to early signs of deteriorating relationships
When a couple enters into a marriage, the partners promise each other to be together “until death do us part.” But in reality, this does not always happen, and not least because the signs that the relationship has “cracked” and that things are headed for divorce are ignored.
There is an expression “friends are made in adversity.” So is love - it is “recognized” in unfavorable conditions, when, say, it turns out that partners differ from each other in many ways: in habits, preferences, outlook on life.
At this point there are two options.
- Partners can learn to love each other despite their differences
- Partners choose the path of non-acceptance of “dissent” and “dissent”.
It is in this second case that the word “divorce” begins to sound in the house.
Perhaps you know such couples. And you remember that at the beginning of the relationship everything was fine with them. But gradually it comes to a break in the relationship, to divorce.
And you ask yourself: “How could they not see the early signs of deterioration in the relationship? Why didn’t you try to correct the situation?”
We will tell you about such signs. You need to know them, because “forewarned is forearmed.”
What should you do before deciding to divorce?
All of the above looks very simplified. These are approximate models that do not take into account many different factors. If a wife or husband raises their voice, if this continues for a month, a year or two, does this mean that they should immediately go for a divorce? Based on the above models, it turns out that what is needed. But deciding to break off a relationship turns out to be very difficult. In any case, there is no need to make such a decision rashly, when the air has not cooled from the last words or actions of the other half and some time has not passed. With every problem you need to sleep through the night. And with a problem of this magnitude, it may take more than one night.
So what should you do before starting divorce proceedings? First, you need to think about the reasons for your desire to get a divorce. Calmly, reasoning and weighing all the pros and cons, thinking about the root causes and the possibilities of eliminating them. Then you should think about the consequences of your actions, which may have their own specific cost. The division of property, the assignment of alimony, the emotional experiences of all relatives, especially the joint children of the spouses and their parents - all this must be taken into account.
It should not be that a husband, leaving the family for another skirt, is unable to support a new family, because he is obliged to pay a third or half of his salary for alimony. The wife should think carefully about how she will raise the children after the divorce if the assigned alimony is not enough. It happens that unscrupulous fathers, after a divorce, stop providing financial support to their children, in every possible way avoiding fulfilling their responsibilities, underestimating the income they receive as much as possible. The spouse must take this development of events into account.
You no longer care how your partner feels
We must always remember that men and women are different from each other in many ways - and complement each other. First of all, this relates to the area of feelings.
Sometimes we experience so many different feelings that they start to get mixed up. In such a situation, we ourselves do not really understand what we want to express, what feelings to express.
Often our partners do not understand hints. Therefore, in important situations you need to express yourself directly, but, of course, tactfully. You need to clearly and calmly tell your partner about the problem that has arisen, say, that some things are causing you pain.
Many men at the beginning of a relationship constantly demonstrate tenderness towards their beloved. But then, when a woman has already been “conquered,” they often forget about this “little thing.” This is a big mistake. Men must constantly show that they are attentive to their bride or wife and have tender feelings for her.
But it’s not only men who can be blamed in this regard. Women often tend to show off their “pride” or even “coolness.” Men interpret this behavior as evidence that they are no longer interesting to their chosen ones.
Remember: it is better to avoid hints. If you want to say something to your partner, say it directly, clearly and in a respectful manner.
Divorce as a necessity
There are situations when divorce is the only way out of the current situation. In some cases, it is a necessary protective measure when living together becomes a threat to the life of one of the spouses.
Divorce from an alcoholic husband
A lot has been written and said about the plague of all times and peoples - alcoholism. In this article we will not read morals about the dangers of alcohol and other addictions, but will consider the consequences of such a turbulent life for alcoholics themselves and about the victims of the latter’s drunkenness. He drinks alone, but the whole family has no peace.
“I will save him” - throwing her chest into the embrasure, the woman is ready to sacrifice herself, her children, her friends. The meaning of her life becomes the fight against alcohol. Time passes, the situation only gets worse, alcohol drags on like a quagmire. And the wife, no longer quite young, with frayed nerves and bitter disappointment, finally decides to break this vicious circle and leave.
If someone has encountered alcoholism of a loved one in their life, they know first-hand the price of such family happiness. Alcohol kills everything, and as you know, there are no former alcoholics (there are exceptions, but not about them now). Whether to live with such a person or not is a purely personal matter for everyone. But in any case, there will be no full, happy and peaceful life, that’s for sure. Each holiday will be stressful for the drinker himself and for those around him. Sooner or later the situation will repeat itself, and whether you are ready to endure it or not is up to you to decide. It’s scary when children watch their parents’ drunken fights. Of course, you shouldn’t immediately rush to divorce after your first drinking session. You need to give the person a chance and explain that this is unacceptable for you, and if the situation repeats, you will simply leave him.
Worse than male alcoholism is female alcoholism. Yes, it happens, and lately it’s not so rare. A drinking woman, wife, mother is a complete disaster, which, unfortunately, cannot always be stopped.
Analyzing many similar situations, the reaction the next day after drinking and the efforts made to avoid this, most often divorce from an alcoholic husband, becomes the only correct decision for the other half.
Husband is a tyrant
Another good reason for divorce is tyranny. This is a “diagnosis” that cannot be treated. The tyrant husband loves unlimited power and unquestioning submission; he will find any reason to find fault and take out his anger on weak family members - his wife and children. It’s a terrible picture when those closest to you suffer from domestic violence, and essentially there is no one to find or ask for protection. It’s just that not only other relatives and friends, but also legal law enforcement officers are reluctant to interfere in a family showdown, chalking it up to “darlings are scolding and having fun.”
Often such abuse turns to “murder by negligence.” There is only one way out - to run, the faster and further the better, without regrets and discounts on the chance!
Your husband is cheating, how to decide to divorce
At different periods of family life, wives treat extramarital games by husbands differently. The early stages are characterized by scenes of jealousy, collecting things with shouts of “I won’t forgive you, traitor.” And as a consequence, of course, divorce. Then there is a stormy truce and forgiveness of the infidel, but such family life begins to crack. With age, wives look at the little pranks of their husbands with philosophical wisdom.
Cheating can be forgiven if it does not become a habit, and the husband drags after every skirt like the last dog. What if this happens regularly? How to decide on divorce if your husband is cheating? Each woman sets her own criteria for tolerance. For some, this is “Whatever the child enjoys,” while for others it is like death.
A wandering husband is also dangerous for the family. Promiscuous sexual relations lead to sexually transmitted diseases. After a random night, the prodigal husband returns to bed with his wife, who is unaware of the exploits of her lover and then with a full “bouquet”, and in complete misunderstanding the woman runs to the gynecologist. Often, husbands also manage to shift the blame onto their spouse, blaming her for all mortals, which also often leads to a breakdown in family relationships.
“And if this is love,” this also happens. This is already more difficult to survive. After all, betrayal on a purely physiological level is not as scary as true infatuation with another person. Ultimately, such a family will collapse. One finds new happiness, and the other freedom, full of suffering.
It is not a fact that the new will be better than the old, and the cheater will not try to mend the burned bridges. It's up to you to forgive or remain proud but lonely. But your family life will never be the same again. The seed of discord has been planted.
You're moving away from each other
Women love to talk to their husband or partner about what is going on in their lives. When something bad happens, we expect help and support from our partner. When everything is going well, we want to share our emotions.
One of the early signs of impending divorce is that we no longer want to discuss what is happening with our partner. We no longer expect support from him. He, too, most likely does not feel such a desire and doubts our support.
It often happens that one of the partners constantly demands something from the other and blames him for all the problems of the family. As a result, the spouses are increasingly moving away from each other.
They talk less and less to each other, and they have less and less desire to spend time together. Everyone minds their own business.
In such a situation, you need to try to find out what the problem is, what disagreements separate the partners. This is necessary in order to restore relationships and save marriage.
Signs that it's time to end your marriage
Everyday quarrels and crises happen to everyone. But some problems are signals to end the relationship:
- reluctance of the other half to share responsibilities: concern for the family budget, children, and comfort in the home is distributed unevenly;
- emotional distance, lack of communication, common interests;
- keeping in touch with your husband for the sake of your children;
- the spouse’s dependence on alcoholic beverages, drugs, gambling: in order to decide to separate from a drug addict or alcoholic husband, you need to assess his danger to the family and his willingness to change; if he excludes treatment or limits himself to empty promises, then it is not worth holding on to such a husband, but even after treatment there are breakdowns;
- intimate problems: dissatisfaction in bed is depressing and leads to betrayal;
- regular betrayals: isolated betrayals are often forgiven, repeated “trips to the left” mean disrespect; sexual infidelity is the cause of the spread of sexually transmitted diseases among married people;
- physical violence: the rapist rarely confines himself to the first blow, so it is better to leave immediately;
- moral violence: devaluing the opinions and emotions of a partner, ridicule, insults turn a person into a hunted, unstable and notorious victim.
You “load” each other with your negative emotions
Of course, partners should know what is going on in each person's life. But if you are used to bombarding your husband with complaints and various negative emotions, he is unlikely to like it. There should be more positive emotions in your partners’ conversations, you should give each other joy more often.
If you “load” each other with negative emotions, this is another signal that things are heading towards divorce. Remember how glad you were for each other when you were in love: “We just broke up, but I already miss you so much...”
Now your conversations are accompanied by completely different emotions. For example, you call your husband, and the first thing he hears is the screams of the children and your complaints about their bad behavior...
If this happens constantly, divorce is not far off...
In order to prevent this, you need to learn to listen to your partner, to truly listen, without being distracted by “extraneous thoughts.” This is not easy, especially if you are under the influence of emotions, but gradually your communication will become normal again.
How to live after divorce?
The important point is not only the divorce itself, but also life after it. When the difficult stage of breaking up the relationship has passed, an equally difficult period begins. Psychologists offer some tips to help overcome the difficulties of divorce:
Give vent to pent-up emotions. Over a long period of breaking up a relationship, a huge amount of negative emotions accumulate that simply need to be thrown out. The main thing is not to try to drown them out. Having gone deeper, they will simply wait for the right moment to come out in a huge uncontrolled wave. It is better to find a suitable activity to remove negative emotions. A sport or hobby will do. Don't sit idle. While doing business, a person is distracted from worries and thoughts. He simply has no time to be sad or feel sorry for himself. There is no shame in contacting a psychologist. If you feel like you can’t cope on your own, you should contact a specialist. A psychologist will help you go through the stages of divorce, including denial, anger, and depression, in a less painful way.
Increased self-esteem. Any breakup has a negative impact on self-confidence
It is important for a woman to feel beautiful and desired. To do this, you should pay enough attention to yourself, your appearance and inner world.
You need to take care of your body, face, health, you can travel, attend interesting courses, exhibitions, spend time with friends and family, and grow as a specialist in your field.
These recommendations will help you get through difficult times less painfully. It may be possible to maintain a good relationship with your ex-husband. This will only benefit the common children and the partners themselves.
Quarrel over trifles
Another sign of an impending divorce is arguing about things that don't really matter . These little “discussions” come up again and again.
They can be compared to weeds that grow and grow until you pull them out by the roots.
We must try to understand the reasons for these senseless disputes. Perhaps order in the kitchen is very important to you, but he has completely different “priorities”.
Some wives constantly fight with their husbands because they do not put the plates in their place, not realizing that in essence this is a trifle that should not be paid special attention to.
Stages of experiencing divorce
Despite the fact that a person experiences any very difficult situation in his own way, psychologists have identified 5 stages that everyone has to go through to one degree or another.
This also applies to a divorce from a beloved husband, especially if the spouses separated unexpectedly. Proper living through these stages will help a woman get out of a difficult condition without consequences.
Stage of shock and rejection (denial).
A state of shock is typical, first of all, for women who did not expect a divorce. But, in any case, the reluctance to accept what happened, the search for an opportunity to return everything back is the main emotion at this stage.
Stage of anger and anger (aggression).
When a woman internally agrees with what happened, she begins to feel strong resentment and anger at her ex-husband or his new passion. Often outbursts of anger occur towards loved ones, including children, and towards oneself.
Stage of guilt (bargaining).
Claims against oneself naturally flow into self-accusation. To cope with him, the woman begins to look for an opportunity to come to an agreement with her departed husband to improve the situation, promising that everything will be different.
Stage of depression.
The most difficult thing to experience, because a woman is overcome by the realization that nothing can be returned, no matter how hard she tries. She loses her taste for life, almost everything is uninteresting to her without her husband. At this time, maximum support from loved ones is needed.
Acceptance stage.
The last stage of the experience comes when the previous ones have been lived and the strength has been found to look into the future. This is a constructive stage, with it begins the realization that life is not lost and comes the desire to make plans for the future.
Each stage can last for a different time, depending on the person’s personality. For emotional women, the stage of anger will be most pronounced, and women who are accustomed to controlling everything can get stuck in the first stage of denial for many years.
This kind of stuckness can have dire consequences for your mental and physical health.
What do you need to know if the decision to divorce has been made?
Despite all the emotional distress and possible personal tragedy for one of the spouses, if divorce is inevitable, you need to arm yourself with some knowledge that will be especially useful to the “injured” party. That is, the one from whom the spouse leaves. In many cases this applies to wives, but it also happens the other way around. The very first point that will be at the forefront of all controversial issues is the division of property. During divorce proceedings, division can only concern joint property. For example, if an apartment, a car, furniture, or a plot of land were acquired during a registered marriage, then all this property is divided between the spouses into equal parts. According to the law, husband and wife have the right to jointly acquired property in equal shares.
If during their marriage the spouses used property that was acquired by one of them before marriage or was inherited by him, then such property does not fall under the category of jointly acquired property. It is not subject to division and remains the property of its original owner. If an apartment or car was taken out on credit during the marriage, which was not repaid at the time of the divorce process, when this property is divided, the debt on the loan is also divided. Each spouse receives a portion of the loan proportional to the distributed property. The distribution of property taken on credit into equal shares between spouses implies the distribution of the loan debt between them into equal parts.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=9BZZoFbR5n4
In addition to property, another important issue that needs to be decided in court concerns children and child support payments. Why is this question secondary? Traditionally in Russia, children stay with their mothers. The man receives alimony ordered by the court, which they are obliged to pay until the children reach adulthood, and if the children have entered a higher educational institution, then before they turn 23 years old.
Sometimes children stay with a man, but this does not happen often. And of those cases when fathers decide to file an application to the court for their children to remain with them after a divorce, only 6-7% of such applications are satisfied. And yet, in overwhelming cases, children remain with mothers who need to know the following. If there is one child, the man is obliged to pay a quarter of the amount of his total income to him, and if there are two children, then a third of this income. When such a father has a third child and all subsequent children, half of these incomes are distributed equally among all these children.
Taking into account all of the above, before making a decision to sever a relationship, it is necessary to take this process seriously and think through in advance all the possible consequences associated with the division of property and the future fate of the children. Perhaps you just got too excited.
The theory of readiness for divorce
Most books and articles about divorce are based on the premise that both spouses want a divorce and are ready for it. In fact, when the divorce process begins, one of them (and sometimes both) is not ready for it.
If a couple is prepared and decides together, it can eliminate most of the emotional and financial issues that come with a divorce.
The reason so little attention is paid to preparedness for divorce is because of a major misconception. It sounds like this: the sooner this stressful situation ends, the better.”
This can be explained quite simply. When a person feels bad, what does he want? Of course, so that this ends quickly. Nobody wants to suffer. And this applies to both women and men. This is why people often make hasty decisions, the consequences of which become inevitable. The cups are broken! And even if you glue them together, they will never be brand new. The same thing happens during the period when the couple does not know how to properly get a divorce.
Besides, how can you get over a separation from your husband if you still have feelings? How to finally resolve this issue?
After hundreds of hours of consultation, I have identified 3 main dilemmas of the causes of divorce. They sound like this:
What to write to make peace after a quarrel ↑
Sometimes, if you have seriously offended your wife, it is better to write a request for forgiveness than to say it. You can do this in the following ways:
- SMS . Sometimes a couple of short phrases are enough to make your wife smile with tenderness.
- Social media . Most likely, it will be a surprise for her if she sees a request for forgiveness in personal messages or on the wall of her page.
- A note . A great way to tell everything that cannot be said in words. Here you can express your feelings for her, your plans for life together and much more that will melt her heart.
- Poem . Even if you don't have the talent for this, she will appreciate your efforts.
