Once upon a time, women married once and for life. But in our time, divorce has ceased to be something out of the ordinary: millions of people divorce, and many do it more than once or twice. And yet, divorce is always stressful for all family members. Today's topic on the women's website sympaty.net is preparation for divorce. We will tell you what you need to do to make getting through a divorce easier.
How to understand that divorce is near?
It often happens that the news of a separation is like a bolt from the blue: it would seem that nothing foreshadowed such an outcome .
However, more often than not, it is possible to determine in advance that there are some problems emerging in the relationship that could lead to a breakup. Such signs of an impending divorce include, for example, increased scandals. The accumulated tension requires an outlet : any little thing can become the reason for an ugly scene.
Mutual irritation, humiliation of a partner, lack of sex , reluctance to do something together and have some joint plans are signs of serious problems in a relationship.
Unresolved problems and unforgiven grievances accumulate, mutual respect and admiration disappear somewhere... And even if the couple tries to create the appearance of an ideal relationship, both understand deep down: they cannot continue to live like this. Preparing for divorce ceases to be something unrealistic.
In some cases, relationships can be saved .
But resuscitation of love should be done only in one case - if both partners want it. Otherwise, all attempts to restore relations are doomed to failure.
Get copies of all your financial statements
All your financial statements must be current and in writing. The court may not care about evidence of your spouse's affair, but it will care about your financial assets, so start collecting as many documents as possible initially.
However, be careful not to rely on electronic copies. You don't want to risk having all the information you've collected locked out if a vindictive spouse decides to change the passwords on all joint accounts. So print everything out initially. Gather as many bank statements, tax forms, and any other financial documents you've signed over the past few years as you can.
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Preparing for divorce: where to start?
The website sympaty.net recommends starting preparations for divorce with careful planning.
Even before you tell your husband about your decision, you should ask yourself a number of questions and find answers to them:
- Where will you live after the divorce? If you are now living in your husband's apartment, then in all likelihood you will have to leave. It is better to prepare a new living space in advance so that, if necessary, you can move as soon as possible. If your husband lives in your apartment, then you will need to give him a certain time to get ready. If you have joint property, then you need to consult a lawyer about its division;
- Children's interests . If you have children, you need to do everything to ensure that they do not suffer from their parents' divorce. Who will the children live with after the divorce? How would you like to resolve the issue of alimony? Preparing for a divorce in this situation should include consulting with a lawyer regarding the responsibilities of the father so that you are fully prepared when talking with your husband. Be sure to think about how to tell your children about the divorce so that this news does not traumatize them. You may need to consult a child psychologist;
- Material issues . If you are not working, urgently look for a reliable source of income. If you work, save money - you will need it soon. Can you count on financial assistance from your ex-husband at least in the first month after the divorce?
- How do you plan to notify relatives and mutual friends? When preparing for a divorce, try to win them over to your side - during the difficult period of adaptation to single life, they can support you morally or even financially.
Get support
Relatives and friends react differently to the news of divorce. They may not support you and may even judge your decision. In this case, it is better to consult a psychologist. He will mentally prepare you for separation and will support you during the divorce process.
How to prepare for divorce? /istockphoto.com
Stay friends
Being on good terms with someone is always useful; it’s not for nothing that they say that a bad peace is better than a good quarrel. It is important not to put off building relationships until later, but to do it before the divorce.
Try to be kind and helpful to your spouse. Don't yell at him, forget about derogatory remarks. Don't show your irritation to your husband. It’s worth turning on the actress and playing a little - it won’t hurt to improve the relationship.
Don’t rush to say the word “divorce” first; it’s better to yield the initiative to your spouse. It would be nice to unobtrusively discuss the divorce of acquaintances, painting a rosy picture of the transformation of a vixen wife into a wonderful friend, and a tortured husband into a happy free man.
At the same time, during the preparation for divorce, you can find out the views of the spouse: perhaps he believes that leaving all jointly acquired property to his wife and children is monstrous stupidity, or perhaps he believes that such an act is completely normal for a man.
Identify your assets and clarify what exactly is yours
Step one on the path to managing your finances is to determine your assets. Before you can move on to the other steps, you need to know exactly how much money you have and exactly where it is. Then figure out how much of it is in your name and what is in your spouse's name, including any loans, bank accounts, and investments.
Believe me, in a divorce, the judge will care more about a good financial report than a photo of your spouse leaving a hotel with his mistress. It all comes down to money in the end, so get current reports on the value of your assets and make everything clear.
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What to do?
First of all, don't panic
, there is a possibility that this phenomenon is temporary.
Pay attention to his behavior:
maybe he’s just tired, problems have arisen at work, but you don’t have a sufficient level of trust for the man to share the problems that have arisen with you.
Try to talk to your spouse.
You may think one thing, but in reality the problem is something else. Prepare a delicious dinner, create a favorable environment, send the children to relatives.
If it is not possible to organize a conversation at home, go together to a quiet place.
Dialogue is the best way to find out what is happening in the family. Listen carefully. A man is quite capable of telling what exactly worries him and how to correct the situation.
If your husband told you the reason for his inattention to you, now you can correct the situation
.
Please note that a frank conversation often leads to the most unexpected results.
. Be prepared to learn some not-so-pleasant things without causing a scandal, since you were the one who initiated the conversation.
Pay attention to how you yourself talk to your husband:
Are there any reproaches, criticism in your words, are you interested in your spouse, are you sincerely worried about him.
Bad method
- interfere with other people in your relationship.
Never involve relatives, friends, and especially children.
All issues must be resolved between spouses. If you want to use a mediator, then seek the help of a professional family consultant
.
Let's move on to practice: what a woman can really do to make her husband pay attention to her again.
How can I please him even more?
When you started living together, there was passion and attraction between you. But they disappear or become deeper
.
If you think that you got married and now the man is not going anywhere, then this is the mistake of many women.
You need to constantly work on relationships.
, change, invest, but at the same time do not lose yourself, remaining a unique personality. We are interesting to other people when we are interesting first of all to ourselves.
How to interest your spouse after 10 years of marriage?
Over such a period of time, people get very tired of each other.
They are united by a common life, children, and monotonous problems.
Everything about a loved one
advantages, disadvantages that can irritate.
As a result, a crisis comes and people begin to move away. Intimate life also becomes monotonous, there is no previous spark
. But all is not lost.
- Have an active life position
, do not immerse yourself completely in everyday life and dependence on a man. - Change
. You haven't dyed your hair for a long time - a reason to go to the hairdresser. - Pay attention to your clothes - whether you choose attractive dresses or trousers, choosing them for comfort. Change your image
, become more alive and vibrant. - Be positive.
Yes, it’s not always easy to show positive emotions if there are so many problems around.Try to change your pessimistic attitude to optimism. Problems are a reason to change something in your life, to pay attention to wrong actions.
- Find a hobby
, don't devote yourself exclusively to home.
To be liked by other people, you must be interesting to yourself first. Enjoy yourself
, give yourself small gifts. If you love yourself, then your husband will appreciate you more as a person.
Reconsider your family values and goals.
Be grateful for every day you have together, and tell your spouse about it. Let him know that you value and respect him.
Mitigating the consequences
The divorce of mom and dad cannot but affect the children. They will worry, cry, suffer. But parents have the opportunity to mitigate the consequences of an unpleasant situation and make the life of their children as happy as possible. How moms and dads should behave during a divorce to protect their children from disastrous consequences:
- Don't show your feelings. Parents serve as role models for children. Therefore, if you throw tantrums in front of them, tear clumps of hair out of your head, or howl like a beluga every night, they will begin to behave in the same way. Or they will even begin to blame themselves for the fact that their mom or dad is suffering. For the sake of their offspring, parents are obliged to be strong, otherwise the child will feel helpless and abandoned in this unpleasant and sad situation.
- Don't leave your child alone. Talk to your baby, let him express his emotions, cry. You are nearby all the time. He should feel supported. If a child withdraws into himself, he may develop neurosis or depression. The child's psyche is unstable, and such mental problems are fraught with serious consequences, including suicide. Always keep in touch with your baby, even if you are at work. It is better to call again and inquire about his affairs and mood than to miss important changes in the child’s condition.
- Go with your child to a child psychologist. Believe me, the divorce will not pass without a trace for the baby. You may not notice negative trends in your child’s behavior, but the psychologist will see alarm bells and tell you what to do. Go with your child to a child specialist and contribute to his healthy future psychologically.
See also:
Do ex-husbands often return to the family?
And yet, the most important thing during a divorce is to maintain neutrality with your ex-spouse. After all, both father and mother are the people closest to the child, and in the event of a war between them, he will inevitably have to take sides. If the child sees that the parents, if not friends, at least communicate with each other normally, then he will feel much more comfortable. And their divorce will take place with the least possible consequences for him.
Find your team
If you decide to divorce, then in addition to a lawyer, it is important to have a good and reliable financial advisor on your side, especially if it was your spouse who managed the money. Also try to find a person who not only understands the current situation himself, but can also clearly explain everything to you.
If you yourself are not a financially savvy person, then, most likely, at meetings on the division of property you will only have to look beautiful and smile, without understanding anything. So, in order to prevent any possible mistakes, it will be better to contact a person who really understands everything and can help you. But even if you are financially savvy, it is still important to have an experienced divorce attorney and financial advisor as your support. Divorce is an emotional time, so you definitely need people who can speak impartially on your behalf and ensure that you are well protected.
Marriage contract as a basis for fair relations
Even before marriage, spouses must agree on the terms of disposal of property.
A marriage contract can help in building honest and fair relationships. It is in writing and certified by a notary. At its core, a marriage contract is an agreement between spouses that defines their property rights and obligations during the marriage or upon its dissolution. The legislator does not provide an exhaustive list of conditions that should be included in this document. However, in any case, it must contain a definition of the property ownership regime (joint, shared or separate), a clear delineation of what will be transferred to each spouse in the event of family breakdown, the procedure for disposing of property, rights and obligations for mutual maintenance, as well as rules for incurring family expenses . In addition, the contract must indicate the duration of its validity and contain an algorithm for notifying creditors of its change or termination.
“A kind of analogue of a marriage contract is an agreement on the division of property,” says lawyer Oleg Sukhov. — It differs from a contract in that it does not require notarization, does not affect the legal regime of family property, but simply determines the procedure for dividing property between spouses and its list. Here, by the way, it is important to know that if, after concluding an agreement, the husband or wife acquires any things, then they will already be considered common and for their division they will have to negotiate or go to court.”
We describe and photograph the property
If family members did not enter into a marriage contract and did not adhere to the principle of equal distribution of property, then it is impossible to do without drawing up an inventory of things.
Moreover, it is better to make two lists at once. The first will include property that is not subject to division. First of all, it is property acquired by a husband and wife before marriage. This could be anything - from an apartment and a car to jewelry and securities. In addition, it is necessary to include things in the inventory, as well as property that was given to the husband or wife free of charge (as a gift, by inheritance, etc.). “If family relationships are irrevocably damaged and the spouses do not trust each other, you should also carefully rewrite personal belongings, exclusive intellectual property rights, property purchased with the personal money of one of the family members,” says lawyer Oleg Sukhov. — Next, you need to supplement the list with money received (or received) as targeted payments, for example, insurance compensation or compensation for moral damage. After this, you should rewrite the valuable things that were purchased for the common children.”
Having finished with the inventory of things that are not subject to division, it is time to rewrite the property that is to be divided. This category includes real estate and things acquired by family members during marriage and which are their joint property. This is all real and movable property, securities, deposits, shares, shares in capital contributed to commercial organizations, animals, etc. The lists must be compiled in two copies - for the husband and wife. Each sheet of the inventory is certified by the signatures of both spouses. Then you need to photograph things and real estate. This will be useful if the other party begins to sell the property before the division. By law, each spouse is entitled to half of the proceeds from such a sale. If, in the opinion of the husband or wife, the transaction carried out by the “other half” was unprofitable (at a reduced cost), this can be proven, including from photographs. In addition to an inventory of the property, all documents for it should be prepared: PTS, certificates, sales contracts, passports. It will not be superfluous to collect receipts and receipts indicating purchases.
Distribution of property between spouses or the “American principle” of joint housekeeping
Recently, “equal distribution of property” between family members has become increasingly common . A similar practice came to us from the West.
According to this principle, any expensive purchase is recorded in turn for each of the spouses. For example, if a car is registered in the name of the husband, then the garage is registered in the name of the wife. Large purchases that do not require registration are also made in turn on behalf of each family member, which is confirmed by relevant documents (entry in the contract for the purchase of household appliances, signature on the check, etc.). During a divorce, this practice makes it possible to make a division very quickly: after all, the evidence, as they say, is at hand. In our practice, we have already encountered cases when, for example, the wife paid for the Internet and telephone, and the husband paid for cable TV and utility bills. The cooperative garage was registered in the name of the spouse, and the “other half” became the owner of the car. And so, for years, all the property was divided, which, of course, later helped during a divorce.
