Everything happens in life, and divorce is not such a rare story. It is impossible to insure against it. Perhaps the only way is not to get married at all. But who would go to such an extreme? Maybe a monk. For the rest, there is always a risk.
And if according to state law everything is clear, then God’s law leaves questions. Is it possible to get a divorce after the wedding and how to do it? It would seem that both swore allegiance to each other before God. That is, they enter into a covenant, the main Witness of which is God.
Is it Orthodox to break this oath? Let's discuss these issues.
There are two grounds for divorce in the Bible: fornication and unbelief of the spouse.
There is a common belief that it is not Christian to separate from your husband or wife. Orthodoxy says little about divorce, this is a fact.
The fact is that all Christian teaching is aimed at teaching a person to live with God, righteously, in harmony with the world.
Holy Scripture places the greatest importance on the spiritual side of the life of each individual person. As for marriage, there is not much to say about it in the Bible.
Cheating on one of the spouses, according to the Bible, is one of two reasons for divorce
Holy Scripture is a book about man's relationship with God, and not a guide to every step of a believer.
Each of us has the right to free will, this is a gift from the Almighty, and therefore we are not given clear guidance for all occasions in life, and we do not need it. Man is not a robot, and every case is exceptional.
Likewise, divorce happens for various reasons. Some are simply in a hurry to destroy a marriage out of emotion, although they can save the family, while others constantly suffer from adultery, and there is nothing left to fight for.
The Bible gives only two grounds for divorce. The first is fornication:
“But I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for the guilt of fornication, gives her a reason to commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.”
(Matt. 5:32)
Let us not focus on the fact that here we are talking only about the fornication of the wife, not the husband. In Orthodoxy, this place is traditionally interpreted as fornication of one of the spouses.
The second reason for divorce according to the Bible is the unbelief of the husband or wife:
“If an unbeliever wants to get a divorce, let him get a divorce; the brother or sister is not related in such cases; The Lord has called us to peace.”
(1 Cor. 7:15)
In fact, an unbeliever does not care what the Holy Scriptures say. Rather, the advice serves as comfort to the believing spouse who fears the dissolution of his marriage.
Non-believer is traditionally understood to include representatives of other religions. Of course, formally he is a believer, but in something else, and this is essential.
Debunking a church marriage. How to get debunked in church
Before the coup of 1917, the cultural foundations of the Russian people were largely based on the principles laid down in the process of formation of the Orthodox Church. The role of the church as a regulator of public life was stronger in earlier times.
First of all, this was manifested in the fact that marriages were concluded mainly in the bosom of the church, and in this case the wedding was mandatory. In modern society, everything has changed, marriage relationships have changed their quality and not every couple decides to get married.
Moreover, the number of divorces is increasing every year. What if the couple was married? Is church divorce possible?
The wedding ceremony is an incredibly beautiful and deep ceremony in its essence. But, unfortunately, not all couples perceive this sacrament with full responsibility. It is believed that marriages are made in heaven and after the wedding the couple is united by invisible bonds for the rest of their lives.
Is there church divorce?
According to church canons, it is impossible to divorce people whose union is made in heaven. A church marriage cannot be terminated, so there is no procedure for disunion. However, after an official divorce and when concluding a new marriage, you can ask for blessings for the union with your new chosen one.
Before you decide to do this, you need to be sure that you will not be able to save your family. In order to obtain permission to terminate the wedding ceremony, you need to contact the regional Diocese. And only after you receive a blessing for a union with a new partner there, you will be able to get married. You can make this request to any temple.
Reasons for debunking
The reasons for debunking must be really serious; your personal misunderstandings with your spouse are not the basis for such an important procedure. The clergyman simply will not take you seriously. Reasons for debunking may be:
Reasons for debunking may be:
1. Cheating on your spouse. If the spouse is constantly cheating or lives in two families;
2. Domestic violence. The husband beats his wife and children;
3. Recognition of the spouse as incompetent. This may be a reason, but from the point of view of Orthodox ethics, this act is not humane. It turns out that you are abandoning a person in trouble and do not want to help him;
4. The spouse decided to change his religion, for example, he converted to Islam;
5. Concealment of HIV infection or sexually transmitted disease by the spouse;
6. Commitment of a serious criminal offense by the spouse;
7. The spouse has been declared missing for more than 5 years;
8. The spouse has become a drug addict or alcoholic.
A blessing for a new marriage is given only to those who are innocent of the destruction of the family. The church approaches each specific case individually. The priest may consider that the grounds are insufficient and refuse to debunk him. According to church canons, marriage can be concluded no more than three times.
What documents are needed for debunking
Before meeting with the priest, you will need to prepare the following documents:
1. Passport;
2. Certificate of divorce;
3. Wedding certificate;
4. Certificate of a new marriage;
5. Petition to the administrator of the Diocese for the dissolution of a church marriage;
6. Documents confirming the reasons for divorce.
Blessing for remarriage
Before you contact the church with a request to debunk, you need to try with all your might to save your family. Only after you are sure that it will not be possible to save your family can you begin to think about debunking the marriage. However, it is worth remembering that such a procedure does not exist as such, but there is a blessing for a new marriage.
If you simply do not get along in character, constantly conflict and argue, this will not be considered a serious reason for debunking.
Unfortunately, many couples perceive weddings simply as a beautiful tradition and do not think about the meaning inherent in this sacrament. A wedding binds people for life and unites them in heaven after death.
The church is not a courtroom. Therefore, take this step with all the depths of your soul.
Reasons for divorce are not at all a reason to go for it
Although we have biblical grounds for divorce, in an Orthodox family they do not necessarily have to be the reason for the destruction of a marriage. A huge number of families experience infidelity, and the unbelief of one of the spouses is not such a problem in our atheistic times.
Love is the main thing in a person’s life.
In practice, atheists can become more caring and tolerant of other people's faiths than people who are members of the Orthodox Church. And representatives of different religions, if they love each other, will never consider that their views on how to pray are a reason for divorce.
“God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.”
(1Jo. 4:16)
So true feeling is higher than prescriptions and recommendations, and no reason for divorce can be higher than love.
Therefore, the same adultery is a serious reason for spiritual work on oneself, but everything is surmountable and feasible in the life of a believer and a loving person.
Church remarriage
When it comes to how a church divorce occurs, the concept of “debunking” immediately comes to mind for many ordinary people. However, this concept does not mean divorce at all, as the church says. Debunking is a re-wedding in the Orthodox Church after a divorce, blessed by the bishop. The sacrament takes place the same way as the first time, without one significant detail - crowns are not placed on the heads of the young people.
People who decide to divorce after a church wedding face exclusively spiritual consequences. In Orthodoxy, three weddings are allowed, provided that the believer is under 50 years of age. Orthodoxy does not allow entering into a church marriage more than three times - this is a grave sin before God. For such a sin, penance may even be imposed on the believer. History knows an eloquent example when in 1575 church punishment was imposed on Ivan the Terrible, who allowed himself a fourth marriage.
Only the innocent party of the couple has the right to ask for the dissolution of a church marriage in Orthodoxy. If the culprit wants to receive the priest’s blessing to create a new family, he will have to try hard. Punishments will be imposed on the culprit, the most severe of which is excommunication from Communion. Only after a certain time, with true repentance for what he has done, can such a parishioner count on blessing and forgiveness.
In order to create a new family before the Lord, you need to know how to properly file a church divorce. To do this, you need to perform the following steps.
- Fill out a petition for dissolution of a church marriage, drawn up according to the model, addressed to the bishop. A sample petition can be found online or asked at the temple.
- Provide documents confirming the fact of the official divorce, the couple’s passport.
- The initiator of the divorce must necessarily talk with the bishop and explain the reasons that prompted the breakup of the family.
The conversation will be long, and the main question will not be whether it is possible to dissolve a church marriage, but whether there is a chance to save the family. Sometimes the priest manages to reach the interlocutor and the matter ends with the person asking changing his decision. This suggests that the parishioner still has feelings for his other half and made the decision to separate while being in the grip of emotions.
If the above facts seem to the clergyman to be an insufficient basis for debunking, the believer may be refused a second marriage. If he agrees, the person will be given a divorce from the church marriage, after which he will be able to get married again in an Orthodox church.
The Bible says God hates divorce, even though He allows divorce
In the second chapter of Malachi there is a statement about God's attitude towards divorce:
“If you hate her, let her go, says the Lord God of Israel; offense will cover his garment, says the Lord of hosts; Therefore take heed to your spirit and do not act treacherously.”
(Mal. 2:16)
Textual scholars argue about the correct translation of the verse. For example, it is difficult to decipher the expression “offense will cover his clothes.”
The Russian Bible Society sees a metaphor in this statement:
“To drive away your wife, to hate her,” said the Lord of Hosts. - Take care of your spirit and do not become traitors. - said the Lord God of Israel, - it’s like staining yourself with violence.”
(Mal. 2:16)
But the modern translation of the Bible sees a different meaning in the phrase:
“The Lord, the God of Israel, says: “I hate divorce and the cruelties that men do. Therefore, preserve your spiritual union and do not deceive your wives.”
(Mal. 2:16)
The Gospel of Matthew says that Moses gave God's permission to divorce:
“He says to them: Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, allowed you to divorce your wives, but at first it was not so.”
(Matt. 19:8)
So what is God's real view of divorce? Most translations tend to say it is negative. The passage from the Gospel of Matthew only says that God allowed it, not that He welcomed it.
Therefore, ideally, according to the will of God, of course, the family should be preserved. This pattern is dictated to us by Scripture. Well, then we look at the circumstances to see how close we can come to the recommendations of the Bible.
How to get a church divorce after a wedding
If you seriously decide to get a church divorce, you and your ex-partner should contact the diocesan administration and write a petition there addressed to your confessor. It must contain a description of your family history, accompanied by a document about the place and time of the wedding, a description of the reasons for the divorce, an original and a copy of the civil marriage divorce certificate. One culprit of the process writes a petition, but the written consent of the second must be attached to it.
USEFUL INFORMATION: Is it possible to get married during a second marriage?
The Orthodox Church reveres the institution of the family, any divorce is interpreted as a great sin, the commission of which is the fault of both spouses, therefore the permission of the Bishop will be received only when the ex-husband and wife realize this and sincerely repent. It’s not for nothing that the last words of the petition will be: “I apologize for the broken marriage.” Only after such a procedure will people be ready to seriously create a new family before God.
If there are compelling reasons for divorce, describe them in detail, indicating the place and time of the accomplished facts (adultery, assault, etc.) and confirm with relevant documents. For example, a mental disorder of a spouse or an abortion performed by the wife will be confirmed by a medical certificate from the attending physician. Having considered all the documents provided, the bishop will make a decision and issue a resolution stating that the marriage has been terminated. If a marriage is declared “without grace,” a person can undergo the sacrament of marriage again.
Divorce does not require the blessing of the Church; it is a civil procedure.
Christian divorce is possible, although it is not a specific procedure. There is no order of debunking. But this does not mean that people get married once in their lives. It's just not a procedure that needs to be annulled.
It was in the 16th century that the unfortunate Henry VIII had to found a new, English Church in order to annul the old marriage. Today everything is simpler. Marriage relations are in the civil department: they are registered by them, and they are dissolved by them.
The Orthodox Church does not view marriage as something that is created and annulled by liturgical procedure. There is simply a moment when the marriage breaks up: on paper it exists, but in reality it does not. In such cases, people are no longer “one flesh.”
Henry VIII had to create the English Church to annul the marriage.
And this is not always just because of a spouse’s infidelity or differences in faith. There are more reasons for divorce. But more on that later.
The main thing is that we do not need the blessing of the Orthodox Church for divorce, just as abortion and other controversial procedures do not require it. These things concern a person’s personal life, they are outside the field of activity of priests.
In fact, not a single priest has the authority on behalf of the church to influence a person’s opinion. Yes, there are wishes, there are recommendations, but the correct position of the priest here is: “Do as you see fit.” If the situation becomes difficult, you can confess it.
The Church does not “debunk”, but can marry again, and even for the third time
You need to divorce your wife or husband outside the church. It makes no sense for us to rely on Holy Scripture here. There are realities there. For example, we won’t give our spouse a letter of divorce!
This is not a relevant tradition for our time. It was in use among the ancient Jews. We now have other documents.
1917 - the year until which the church served as a registry office
As for the church side of the issue, Priest Pavel Gumerov talks about the new marriage:
“Until 1917, the Church also performed the function of registry offices: it performed marriages and registered them, and also dealt with divorces.
Before a person could obtain a divorce, the Church conducted a thorough investigation into all the circumstances of his family life, and only then the marriage was declared dissolved.
Now all this is gone. Most likely, by “debunking” we mean applying to the Diocesan Administration for permission to remarry.
As for the wedding ceremony itself, people are married differently depending on whether the person is entering into a second or first marriage.
Repentant prayers are present in the weddings of second marriages.
In addition, the so-called “second marriages” were not previously crowned.
In the modern rank there are crowns.
But if at least one of the spouses enters into a first marriage, then they are married according to the rank for newlyweds.
The third marriage is permitted by the Church as a very great indulgence,
and the fourth and subsequent marriages are no longer recognized (the 50th rule of St. Basil the Great “Tomos of Unity”).
And it must be said that the wrong people were previously allowed to enter into second and third marriages.
who “didn’t get along” and got divorced, but to widowers, widowers and injured spouses after divorce due to adultery.”
Pavel Gumerov
priest
To remarry, apply to the diocesan administration for permission.
Step-by-step procedure
First, the husband and wife must divorce officially - in the registry office. And only after this can you think about how to debunk a church marriage and seek advice from the priest.
The Russian Orthodox Church has determined a step-by-step process that the couple can go through within two weeks.
Initially, you need to go exactly to the parish where the wedding sacrament was performed. It is advisable to talk with the priest who performed the ceremony. So, if the wedding took place on the territory of the Moscow region, then the debunking can only take place in Moscow. If a couple registered a church marriage in another city, where it is not possible to get to at the right time, then they are allowed to contact the nearest church parish.
The priest talks to each of the couple separately, trying to find out the main reason for the divorce and explain what the consequences will be.
After the conversation, you need to send a petition to the Governing Diocese, which should indicate the date of the wedding and the place where the sacrament was performed
It is important to describe the entire family life of the spouses so that it is clear that the reason for the divorce is not invented for any other purpose. All reasons for debunking must be confirmed with certificates and documents certified by a lawyer
USEFUL INFORMATION: How to live after a divorce for a woman: one with a child, two or three children
The last important document will be a letter from the priest, who in it expresses his opinion and attitude towards the married couple.
The list of required documents that must be attached to the application consists of the following papers:
- divorce certificate issued by the registry office;
- a document on a new marriage (if one of the couple has already entered into one);
- document confirming the wedding;
- notarized consent of the other half to debunk;
- documents confirming the reasons for the decision to divorce.
All this is attached to the application in the form of photocopies. The originals remain with the sender.
In 2000, Orthodoxy expanded the list of reasons for divorce
In addition to what the Lord has called us to, there are also church innovations. It is no secret that Christianity today is not the teaching that Christ’s disciples once professed. The core, of course, is common.
But we have gone through centuries of reforms, the formation of traditions, rituals, canons. The apostles did not read the akathists, but still both we and they are Christians.
2000
this year the Russian Orthodox Church expanded the list of reasons for divorce
In 2000, the Council of the Russian Orthodox Church made additions to the Church’s position regarding divorce.
More precisely, he expanded the list of reasons why Orthodox spouses are allowed to divorce. This is how the document “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church” appeared.
Christian divorce: 15 reasons when the church allows divorce
Abortion if the husband does not consent.
Illness of one of the spouses with AIDS, leprosy or syphilis.
Drug addiction (medically certified).
Alcoholism (medically certified).
Long-term unknown absence (usually a period of 5 years, but nuances are possible here due to various life circumstances. You cannot treat everyone the same way).
Long unknown absence.
Conviction to punishment accompanied by deprivation of all rights of the estate.
An attack on the life or health of the spouse or children (a very important point, because domestic violence is often considered an insufficient reason for divorce in Orthodoxy. The situation is completely opposite.
Beating is an attack on health. Even psychological pressure is harmful to health, even if not physical, but still to health. The Orthodox Church does not prohibit divorce in such cases).
Son-in-law (sexual relations between a father-in-law and his daughter-in-law). Why is it singled out as a separate category? The fact is that such situations were widespread in previous centuries in Rus'.
Young people went to work in the cities or were called up for service, and their fathers had a sexual life with their sons' spouses. A woman does not need to endure harassment.
She has the right to leave her husband’s family if she notices attempts to persuade her into such an unhealthy relationship).
Sleeping with one another is a common form of incest in Rus' and a reason for divorce.
Inability to cohabitate in marriage, occurring before marriage or resulting from intentional self-mutilation (this is not only about sexual impotence or infertility, but also about any other diseases, say, deformities, knowing about which, the current spouse would never marry her husband.
An important condition is that before marriage, one of the parties hid these health problems from the other. They should open only after marriage).
Pimping/pimping.
Incurable mental illness.
Unnatural vices (We are talking specifically about sinful activities. What does the Holy Scripture consider to be a sin? Sodomy, bestiality.
For example, if a wife encourages her husband to have sexual intercourse with an animal, this is an unhealthy situation, and the Orthodox Church allows the divorce of such a marriage.
The Christian tradition also views anal intercourse negatively. But at the same time, there are many non-sinful forms of sexual life.
A wife, for her own reasons, may have a negative attitude towards oral sex, but it is not a sin, which means it does not fall under this clause and cannot become a reason for a breakup.
This is a delicate issue of personal life, in which only spouses need to look for compromises, the Church has nothing to do with it).
Malicious abandonment of one spouse by another (Say, a husband kicked his wife out of the house. What kind of married life can we talk about next?)
Taking advantage of the indecency of a spouse (There are many examples here. Let’s say one of the spouses forces the other to steal, or sell their bodies, or otherwise earn money in a way that is not good for themselves.
It is impossible to foresee all cases, the main thing is a common sign: violence against one spouse for the benefit of the other).
Although the list is quite extensive, it does not cover all situations that are possible between spouses. Therefore, you should not endure trouble.
We are not born to suffer. God loves us all and wants us to lead a happy life of love and care. Therefore, it happens that you have to make a difficult decision - to leave a person who brings misfortune.
On the other hand, Orthodoxy calls for refraining from hasty decisions. Sometimes it's worth trying to improve relationships. A spouse is not a stranger. First you need to do everything possible to correct the situation.
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Conversations with the priest. Is divorce possible in a Christian family?
Audio |
In the St. Petersburg studio of our TV channel, priest Igor Lysenko, rector of the Church of the August Icon of the Most Holy Theotokos in Bugra, Vyborg Diocese, answers questions from viewers. – We chose the topic of today’s program based on your calls and requests.
It is called: “Is divorce possible in a Christian family?” When I thought about it, it seemed to me that there was some very strange dissonance in this. Probably, divorce has now, unfortunately, become commonplace, but every time we talk about Christianity and divorce, it turns out that it is love and not love, joy and grief, hatred and indifference. It seems to me that something is wrong here. What is divorce? Maybe we should start with the most important thing: what is a Christian family? – You are absolutely right, a truly Christian family is actually a “full Christian.” The Bible says: Let Us create man in Our image and likeness; male and female He created them. That is, a family consisting of a man, a woman and their children is the image of the Holy Trinity. Just as the division of the Holy Trinity is impossible, so is a true Christian divided family impossible. At least, divided willfully, in some selfish, willful decisions, that is, when someone from the family begins to separate himself and think only about his “good” (in quotes, of course, because it is impossible to achieve good without others, good – it is always service).
As the Lord said: no one is good, only God. And God always gives, always shares, always sacrifices. And if we are His image, then we are good only to the extent that we care about others. Then we constantly receive help from God, Divine energy, grace, joy, strength, wisdom. And then divorce is impossible for us, it’s like dry water or wet ice. That is, this is something that contradicts the very idea of a Christian, for a Christian is one who loves, who is filled with love and service.
Therefore, as soon as we talk about divorce, we are talking about the damage of the family, the damage to the Christian state and the Christian attitude towards each other and towards life. That is, it is Christ-Love that creates the family. Therefore, during the wedding we sing “Holy Martyrs” when we walk around the lectern three times. “Holy martyrs” - that is, “holy witnesses”, those who testify that Christ is love, Christ is the union of two separate people (a man and a woman) into one whole. And it is said: what God has joined together, let no man separate.
– Nevertheless, we even have a commission that deals with church divorces. So, there are some situations?
– We are saying that, ideally, a Christian family and divorce are incompatible concepts. Although at the same time, if we are talking about the earthly Church, about the situations that arise among members of the Church who still want to become real Christians, different cases are possible here. When the Pharisees came to the Lord and asked Him, tempting Him, in what cases it was possible to give a divorce (after all, Moses said that this was possible), then they were answered: “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to do this.” There is only one possible reason for divorce - if one of the spouses is an adulterer, who has already united himself with another flesh, with another person; thereby he destroys this union.
– Question from a TV viewer from Moscow: “My conclusion is this: divorce in a Christian family is an even more painful topic than in an ordinary family. Question: how can we help Orthodox families avoid divorce and where should they turn?”
– If the family is Christian, then, of course, turn to Christ. Since the Church is the body of Christ, and it is by the Body of Christ in the Church that we are united (that is, by one Chalice, where the Body and Blood of Christ are), then we must turn to this means as often as possible. Just as it is said in the Lord’s Prayer: “Give us this day our daily bread.” So, as for those who are seriously ill, as for those who especially need support, being in the thick of it, in the very boiling of passions. How did the early Christians resort to this when there was a raging sea of paganism, a raging sea of passions around them; however, we are seeing this now. Only constant union with Christ gives a miracle of survival, a different attitude to life, to the understanding of love.
Therefore, when discord begins in the family, when one of the family members seems that he is not loved, not appreciated, that it is hard for him, this means that he is in temptation, that he is not a Christian now, he thinks only about himself. It's like a scratch on your finger. If we start focusing on it, thinking only about it, it will become more and more painful and painful and may even turn into some kind of wound. If we are preoccupied with other matters, other service, then this passes quite quickly, painlessly. That is, we do not pay attention to it (of course, we protect it by following certain hygienic rules so that dirt does not get in).
So in your family you sometimes feel that friction and misunderstanding arise because you are tired, that you are already deprived of that hormonal background that some perceive as love. In fact, the hormonal background, this love (as some say, the candy-flower period), is nothing more than a capsule in a large charge. At first it ignites, and if handled correctly, it still needs to be enough for a lifetime, so that it burns slowly, but brightly and with the intensity that allows you to maintain this connection.
In this sense, the simplest advice is not to think about yourself, but to think about others. The more you give to another (and he is filled with God), the more God will return to you. Therefore, as soon as this desire to feel sorry for yourself arises, to think about how offended you are, how much you were not given something, it is very important to remember that there are always temptations. And if Christ was tempted in the desert, and in the future, and the crucifixion itself was such a difficult test for Him, when His sweat was like blood, then each of us must understand that there is no easy, completely serene life. Serenity is only brief and only during a fall. This is a state of weightlessness when nothing presses, nothing burdens you, but this means that very soon there will be a very painful blow to the bottom with all the consequences.
– Quite recently we remembered the Beheading of John the Baptist. All Orthodox Christians know this story of a drunken feast and an adulterous marriage. And in our lives there is a situation when our own unrighteous family life is exposed. To what extent do we have the right to close ourselves off from thinking about this topic? Including in confession with a priest, if I talk about some family problems, should I consult with my wife: “Wife, I went to the priest, I will discuss issues of our family life with him.” As much as possible?
– This is very individual and depends on internal spiritual and personal development. When a person himself is still very vulnerable and spiritually undeveloped, a truly loving priest can greatly help him in this sense. Perhaps the priest will suggest that it would be better to come with his wife and discuss this issue with her. This is why it is so important to look for a confessor. Not just the first one you come across, but the one who really lays down his soul for you.
For me, Father Vasily Lesnyak was like that. It was so obvious that he suffers for me much more, loves me, than I can even imagine... Therefore, when I communicated with him, there was never a desire to hide something. On the contrary, the more you gave to him, the more you received from him through the Lord. And when you communicate with a person who truly loves you, you will never have the desire to complain, to discredit your spouse in any way, or to say something wrong. Love begets love.
That is, when you feel that a loving priest, a loving person is speaking to you, you begin to see your spouse differently, you begin to treat your other half with greater sympathy, with greater tenderness, with greater understanding. But for this you need to find just such a priest, even if it is difficult.
You can confess such subtle issues only to experienced, only loving priests. Not everyone. You need to be especially careful with young priests. They are very often categorical beyond the limits of their development. Although there are rare exceptions, in general it is still better to choose a priest who already has experience in family life, it is better when he has more than three children. As one mother said, it was only after her fifth child that she began to feel like a mother, and before that something in her had not yet matured. Therefore, this must be taken quite seriously, because after all, the union of a marriage is a miracle that gives the greatest miracle in the world - children.
The more my husband and I love each other, the better the children will be, the more they will be able to return to us, even if we proceed from the position of reasonable selfishness. The more we invest attention, love, care, time in children, the more they will return to us, but provided that we did it unselfishly and with Christ. In any other case, the rationality of egoism will turn into simple egoism when we count: we smiled at you five times, showed signs of attention seven times - and after so much time you owe us everything back with interest.
– It’s good when you still have the opportunity in your family to think about the future, among other things. But now in our society there is another serious problem, because before marriage was not just the norm, it was mandatory. When the Church was at the same time a registry office, it was exactly like that - and there was no other possibility. Now the situation is different, and people often do not enter into any marriage, they simply live in cohabitation, and this already happens all the time. In this case, I have this question. When we get married, can this be a huge help in saving the marriage?
– It all depends on how we approach this sacrament. If we do this formally, especially when our parents persuaded us, or it’s just a tribute to some fashion, then it most likely will not differ in any way from an ordinary marriage. Indeed, according to statistics, unfortunately (several years ago the number of divorces after a wedding was checked in several dioceses against the number of marriages), the number of divorces of married marriages and the number of divorces of unmarried marriages are practically the same in percentage terms. But if we are already dealing with a mature couple who joined the church, perhaps quite recently, and they went through some trials and realized that a wedding is serious and responsible, then in this case it will definitely bond them and help them. And there were weddings literally a few hours before the death of one of the spouses. I can say that my parents got married in the very early 90s, literally a year before my dad passed away, when he had already suffered a stroke. And I felt it (as their child), although I was already quite an adult. And I saw from them that they had changed.
These are some deep processes that cannot be expressed in words. Perhaps it is possible to describe, if you do this for a long time, analyze what the depth and completeness of the relationship was. But it definitely happened. And recently I also married a couple who had been married for quite a long time, they had different events in this marriage. They got married, and I asked how and what, and they said in surprise: “You know, there is a very big difference between what was and what has become.”
– Can there be a married marriage without a civil marriage?
– Of course, in order not to violate the rights of children, so that these rights are full-fledged from the point of view of the state approach (nowadays there is maternal capital and other benefits that children are entitled to), priests and bishops do everything to ensure that the wedding is mandatory either preceded or combined with a civil marriage.
But life is more diverse and complex than we think. Therefore, of course, as an exception, I think there may be cases when a married marriage is not immediately registered in the state. For example, if this is a very late couple (maybe they were separated and they no longer have time, and they understand that state relations will not give them anything). But these are absolute exceptions; in no case should this be a rule. The rule should be unity, the completeness of marriage in all senses: spiritual, mental, and physical.
“I once read the following story from Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh, when his priest friend turned to him and said: “Vladyka, I’m in trouble, I’ve stopped loving my wife.” And he described it in such a way that it was a disaster for the priest. This is true?
“This is, without a doubt, a disaster, because it is an indicator that the priest is in the deepest crisis.” You see, when we say “love,” we very often assume that this is something related to us, that love is when they love me, and in return, perhaps, I will also love. Love is something completely opposite, it is when you love regardless of anything. The weaker a person is, the more needy, the more I love him.
For me, Father Vasily Lesnyak was an absolute example in this sense. The more damaged a person came to him, the more love was poured out on him. That is why, from the age of 24, he so patiently and completely devoted himself to people damaged, in particular, by wine drinking. Therefore, a priest who has stopped loving - you understand what it is. That is, in fact, this is a priest who has abandoned God, because love is God.
– Is this such a disaster that he can stop being a priest?
- I think yes. At least for the time when he stopped loving, I think he is not exactly a priest.
– Question from a TV viewer from Belgorod: “In the Gospel, Christ expressed himself harshly and gave only one reason for divorce - fornication. But I have a question: on what basis did the representatives of our earthly Church decide that they have the right to grant permission for divorces for other reasons? It turns out that they understand these things more than Christ Himself?”
“Unfortunately, the earthly Church is forced to pay attention to reality, to what is happening, just as Christ answered the Pharisees: “Because of your hardness of heart, Moses allowed you to get a divorce.” And in this sense, modern bishops and priests are faced with a real situation when marriage no longer exists, when people already hate each other, when they have often entered into another marriage and come to the priest out of some kind of superstition: “What if we want to get married again? Or will we suddenly be somehow damaged? Please separate us."
In general, there is no sacrament of debunking. There is a certain statement of the fact that these people are damaged, it’s like a diagnosis in a hospital. Of course, if people are with Christ, if they are filled with Him, they will not get sick in every sense. Illness is always a state of some kind of damage, even when this illness leads to spiritual improvement, when the saints thanked the Lord that He had sent them illness. But why did they thank you? Because thanks to the disease they improved, something matured in them. And if they were mature from the beginning, they would not need the disease.
– Like a thorn in the flesh of the Apostle Paul.
– Yes, it constantly reminded the Apostle Paul of the time when he was a zealous persecutor... And somewhere you have to regret it. Remember, he says: “No, now you should have pity on him, he has suffered enough.” Probably, such things still help us to be lenient and understand that not all are sheep, there are also goats, but we must give them a chance, like that robber.
– There is also a very interesting story about the goats. It turns out that the shepherds used their staff to separate the goats from the flock. They bent their staff in front of the fold, the sheep bent over and passed, but the goats could not bend their necks and could not pass. A surprisingly simple and interesting thing as some kind of missionary narrative.
As for the story of the Metropolitan of Sourozh, he asked that priest to tell him what color his wife’s eyes were, and he said: “I don’t remember.” “Then,” he says, “I can’t advise you anything, unfortunately. Come home, look at your wife’s eyes, just very carefully. Look at the color of all the veins, and then tell me, and I’ll give you advice.” He came home to his wife, looked carefully into her eyes and saw the girl with whom he fell in love twenty years ago. This is a good story, but the question here is this. How possible is it in our family life to see again that young girl with whom I fell in love so many years ago?
– If you look into your eyes, it’s not that it’s possible, it will always be like that.
– What does it mean to look into the eyes? Does this mean listening?
– Be attentive, think not about yourself, but about who is nearby. Remember how it was told about Christ? People saw that He was speaking to them with authority, as one who had authority, and, looking into His eyes, they understood everything. That is, when you look into the eyes (they also say that this is the mirror of the soul, and if the light in your eyes is darkness, then what is darkness then?), this is the perception of a person through his spiritual component (and this is exactly what happens through the eyes). All the same, love arises only when we are ready to give, when we are ready to unite into a single whole. It's a miracle every time.
Therefore, when we again find the strength to give, it will definitely nourish us. This will give that strength, that energy, that blessed newness when you see in any very old person the very one whom you loved, who was everything to you and with whom you united. This is a very good example and recipe.
I know that there are technologies for family restoration (they are preached and used in our diocese), they have a very simple recipe: learn more about each other. When you don’t figure out for your spouse what he thinks, how he feels about something, but you ask him about it. And very often in his answer you find complete novelty for yourself, and it turns out that you know very little of the person in front of you. Although you love him, you lived with him for a very long time, but during this time he has changed, something has grown in him, he has become wiser, something has developed. Therefore, the more we ask, the more we are interested in others, the more we learn about each other, the stronger our union, the more points for contact, connection into that very single whole.
– We are such busy people now, we work very hard, we come home very late... It’s happiness if the family sees each other just at dinner, but it happens that it’s impossible to meet even at dinner. And the family is now turning into a tool for making money, providing some kind of income, and so on. And at the same time, we cannot say that we are not trying, that we are hard-hearted or anything else, it’s just that life now is such that it forces us to live in a mode where we practically don’t see each other. What should such a family do?
– Firstly, in such a state it is very easy to become lukewarm. The Lord says: “Be hot or cold, but do not be lukewarm, for otherwise I will vomit you out of My mouth.” Lukewarmness is actually deadness. If we change our relationships only to make money, we will lose everything: physical achievements, and, most importantly, our soul, opportunity and ability to love.
Therefore, prevention is needed. As we understand with age: if we don’t exercise, don’t lead a certain lifestyle, don’t limit ourselves in some way, we end up getting sick and are forced to spend the time we could earn money in the hospital or spend a lot of money on medicines. . To avoid this, we still need to carry out prevention. This should be done in the family, so as not to lead to disintegration, to divorce.
How many times have I heard from those people who got divorced that for at least one and a half to two years the condition was as if they had been sawed into two parts. And in this state it is very difficult to do anything, because there are severe forms of spiritual damage, this can quickly turn into psychopathy with corresponding pathology in the physical sense, a lot of oncology arises from this. Therefore, here you need to be careful and responsible so as not to lead to this. Just as you must give one day to God, give at least one day to your family, give it to fellowship.
– Question from a TV viewer from St. Petersburg: “I was in church today for communion, and during confession the priest remarked to me that I was kneeling during the Cherubic Song. I have been going to church for forty years now. The fact is that no one made such a remark to me, and I didn’t read about it anywhere. One day I was talking to a priest, and he told me: “Given your sin, it is advisable to kneel during the Cherubic Song.” Why was I so angrily denounced today? Explain, maybe this is really a big sin?
– I am a teacher at a theological academy, a church-wide graduate school, and I know that the level of our priests is different: both spiritual and educational; and their attitude towards people and towards life is also different.
“It’s clear that our TV viewer cares about this.”
– Without a doubt, because it is very reverent, she knelt during the most important part of the liturgy, perhaps from the fullness of her feelings, from the fullness of her trepidation. And here there is a formal approach. Very often such hypocrisy occurs, although one still needs to look at the situation in more detail and study it. Thank God that the name of the priest was not mentioned, so we will not denounce or name anyone. Because we need to figure it out, but it’s still better not to make these comments at such a moment... We need to look at the situation. You can always find an explanation, everything is always very individual. The main thing is that I would like to ask the TV viewer for forgiveness and ask her to forgive this priest and pray for him.
– We often say that our parish is our family. And in this family, very different relationships also develop. It happens that it is with the priest that the most difficult relationships arise. This may simply be the relationship between a parishioner and a priest, or there may be various others. And in this case, how much right does the priest have to interfere in the family life of parishioners?
– As the question is posed, he has no right. Because the concept of “interfering” already carries a connotation of violence and violation. Here only through love, through personal example, through prayer, but in no case with condemnation, not with some kind of right. It seems to me that a priest has no right to divide a person, because after all, a family is one person. And everyone has long known that nowhere will a child feel better than in a family, even in the worst one. That is, the best orphanage is worse than almost the worst family.
- There is some kind of kinship.
- Yes, there is a certain secret, a certain mystery. And even the most cruel person, like the thief on the cross, the Lord can visit, enlighten and give him this feeling that he is His child. Maybe this comes with age, but this is why we live on earth, to be prepared for the Kingdom of Heaven. At what point? Some are eighty years old, some are eight, and some are eighteen. Therefore, it is very important here that the priest understands that he is not the owner, but a minister and shepherd. The good shepherd is the one who lays down his life for his sheep, and not the one who manages them and beats them with a staff.
– Question from a TV viewer from the Smolensk region: “I have a fiancee, she had a wedding, she is now divorced. Can we get married after the wedding?”
(The following is a dialogue with the viewer.)
– Have you already been married?
- No, I was not married.
– Anyone who gets married and gets married for the first time has the opportunity for this wedding to be full. If you, too, were already married, then the sacrament of Wedding would be truncated, taking into account the fact that each of you was already in this state.
(End of dialogue with the viewer.)
– Is there a prayer for the preservation of the family?
– It is very important that we do not treat prayer as a spell, so that it does not turn out that there is a collection (as very often happens in some shops), where it is written: this prayer is from this, and this one is from that. Then our prayer becomes a kind of conspiracy, a certain form, it loses its essence. When we pray, we pray to God, we babble childishly: “Lord, save us...” A prayer to save a marriage is all the more effective the more sincere, childlike and spontaneous it is. “Be like children,” says the Lord.
Why is the main prayer “Our Father”? If we turn to the Father, it means we are children, and children do not need a memorized text. Therefore, this desire for certain forms, for certain approved prayers for all occasions, it seems to me, is not entirely a Christian approach.
– It’s probably the same with icons?
- In what sense?
– At the very beginning of the 20th century, there was a very popular icon, where above each of the saints it was written what he was responsible for.
– Yes, this is from that series when we want to distribute everything in a pharisaical way, arrange everything according to plan, but without a heart, without love.
– When people asked us this question, they were apparently in a difficult state... Can sincere prayer revive love, help you hear your loved one, save you from divorce? Is there a short list of what you need to do to save your marriage?
- We already talked about this. In order for marriage to exist, there must be love. And love is the Lord Himself. And calling Him, returning Him to the relationship is the recipe. When we understand that love is “not when to us, but when we do.”
If we feel like something is falling apart, it means we are not loving enough, not giving enough, not sharing enough. As the apostle says: “Let an unfaithful wife be saved by a faithful husband,” that is, when the husband shows an example of love, service, and relationship. Therefore, of course, it applies here: “this generation is driven out by fasting and prayer.” That is, prayer is absolutely necessary, but sincere, sacrificial, grace-filled, when you are in tears, with a contrite heart... The recipe is always in Christ.
– Question from a TV viewer from Tatarstan: “How should a woman and a man behave when they are already remarried? And we both have never been married. Do I need to get married the next time I get married?
– I already answered that if the husband and wife were already married, then the bishop can bless them to get married, but this sacrament will already be truncated; it will be taken into account that these are second marriages. That is, this is a kind of statement of the fact that, of course, it would be good if at least now they could have some kind of gracious help. But since they did not last in their first marriage, it is taken into account that there is no longer that purity that we talk about in wedding prayers, a bed free from anyone, since they have already experienced this.
If it so happens that you are entering into your next marriage, then you must remember that it is more difficult to stay in it than in the first. Although, maybe you have more experience, maybe you already realize that this is your last chance. That is, here we must understand that, after all, the Church takes into account our damage, our weakness, and helps in the most terrible case, in our most incredible distortions and damage, in order to nourish us, at least a little, to help us, so as not to harm us. As they said about the Lord: “A bruised reed he will not break and smoking flax he will not quench.” Therefore, if there are at least some sprouts, sparks of some feeling, some desire to sacrifice, then, of course, the Church will help this.
– I understand that people are still very concerned about the simplest issues related to today’s family life.
– You can go into detail, try to describe each case, as with those saints who are responsible for what, but this is an analysis that destroys unity. But there is still a general recipe. As I always say in my sermons and lectures, we must remember that there is only one sin - distrust of God. And in this case we do not hear God, then everything we do is sin.
There may be a million reasons for divorce, but they will all be secondary. The primary thing is this: we want to be loved, forgetting that the Lord always loves us, He cannot help but love. But we need to realize this, we need to hear it, we need to trust Him, and then we will receive from Him enough strength, energy, patience, generosity to share, to be generous, to give.
– As I understand it, if in the soul, in the heart, in the actions there appears a desire to correct our life from sin, in this case we can only have one way - turning to the Lord.
- In the sacrament of Communion.
– That is, we have only one Doctor – the Lord Jesus Christ. And there is only one recipe - turning to Him.
– One Teacher, one Mentor, one Savior.
“If we have all this, it would be very strange to give it up and go to some charlatan.”
– If God is for us, then who can be against us?
- Certainly. If we try to draw a logical conclusion from our program, is it now possible to answer the question: is divorce possible in a Christian family?
- In Christian - no. If there is a divorce, it means that this is not yet a Christian family or is no longer a Christian family. And in order to become a Christian family, we must overcome this desire to be separated by unity in Christ.
Presenter Gleb Ilinsky
Recorded by Elena Kuzoro
