When a young couple legalizes their relationship, both partners dream of a long and happy life ahead of them. Each of them thinks that they are made for each other, and the child strengthens this connection even more.
However, fate always makes its own adjustments, and what seemed impossible to you five years ago has now become your reality. These days, marriages break up with enviable frequency, and many parents are forced to raise children from different relationships. You will never think of this as a problem until quarrels and scandals become part of your daily life. Let's talk about how children from different marriages interact with each other, and also about why others are too curious.
Your new acquaintances will be very curious
This situation may seem strange to some, but it is really common in our society. If you've moved into a new home, your neighbors will definitely want to get to know you. But as soon as they see three or even four children, they will definitely ask if your kids have the same father. Sometimes these questions from strangers leave you stumped. You just can’t understand why other people need this information and how to behave in such a situation.
In fact, you are not obliged to give an account of your personal life to strangers, even if they are nosy neighbors or the class teacher at a new school. You are under no obligation to disclose details of your personal life, otherwise prepare for a barrage of advice and warnings for the future. People love to poke their nose into other people's affairs. But it is better to comprehend the basics of education without the help of outsiders. Learn to ignore the questions of intrusive acquaintances, and then you will be able to save a certain number of nerve cells.
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New life after second divorce
Sometimes it is difficult for a woman to survive a second divorce because of another child she has from her second marriage. In order for her to find the strength to make new discoveries, she should adhere to the basic recommendations of psychologists:
- Get rid of the past once and for all, forget about your experiences.
- Believe that she can overcome all obstacles.
- Communicate more with relatives and friends who can listen to her problems and give practical advice until she gets better.
- Read a lot of books that she likes, develop as a person.
- Don’t close yourself off while staying at home.
- Pay more attention to children.
The main thing is to set goals and achieve them, regardless of the past! And then divorce after the birth of a second child will not be a tragedy.
Related gradation can hurt painfully
No matter how many children you have, each of them was in your womb, each of them is desired and loved. It hurts when you hear terms like “stepbrother” or “stepsister” from your relatives. This state of affairs seems like a form of injustice to the mother. Every time the elders sort things out with the younger ones in front of strangers, people will be sympathetically interested: “They are half-brothers, right?” At first, such questions may irritate you greatly. But we dare to assure you that siblings come into conflict with each other no less often. This is a normal phenomenon in which children learn to interact with each other and negotiate.
How to properly raise children from different marriages?
If previously it was the prerogative of the mother to raise children on her own, now there are more and more single fathers.
When strangers enter a family where relationships have developed, conflicts are inevitable both between adults and younger family members.
Reasons: jealousy, the need to share material resources, the struggle for attention and rivalry. It is especially difficult for parents whose families received the status of having many children overnight.
Parents should not have any illusions that newly-made brothers or sisters will immediately become friends. Finding compromises and being patient with strangers is difficult even for adults.
It is impossible to get angry and force communication; this is fraught with the fact that accumulated negative reactions will sooner or later result in conflict. Any family member has the right to count on respect, attention and support.
It brings people together well over a common cause, playing together, relaxing. At the time of family unification, it is advisable to monitor the load on the nervous system of its younger members: a calm and rested baby will cope with adaptation more easily.
To reduce the number of conflict situations, it is better for parents not to make the following mistakes:
- comparison of one child with another. The attitude towards everyone should be equal;
- punishment is visible to everyone, even if it is deserved. This can cause a feeling of superiority in other children, and resentment and aggression in the person being punished. It is undesirable for a stepparent to punish;
- if one is praised, one must definitely say something good about the others;
- one cannot say that the situation is hopeless, and others will have to be tolerated. It's better to say that sooner or later everything will work out;
- It is better for parents not to divide their children into “yours” and “mine”. Now everything is common;
- It is advisable to give gifts that are the same or of equal value;
- The child must have one-on-one time with his or her father or mother.
It is better if each child has his own personal space. Even a baby has the right to have personal belongings and not share them with anyone.
Differences in roots
These differences are especially relevant for those families in which several nationalities are mixed. Children from different marriages have different ancestors, which means that at the genetic level they contain different information about cultural habits. If, having remarried, you moved to another region, be prepared for the fact that older children will encounter some difficulties that will be reflected in everything: in the behavior of their peers, in the new requirements of teachers, in the culinary traditions of the region. You are on the right track if you strive to integrate the cultural habits of both regions within your family.
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Children's intellectual abilities may vary
Genetics plays an important role in shaping the intellectual abilities of children. Your first husband may have been a bookworm obsessed with history and adventure. He could spend hours with his son and daughter, solving logic problems or playing chess. He was quiet, diligent, often lost track of time and judged his muscular colleagues, whose conversations boiled down to the number of kilograms on the barbell and protein supplements. You guess the characteristic features of your first husband in your children. You are proud of their academic achievements and perseverance, but are upset that children often get sick. They, just like dad, hate playing sports.
Your new partner may be the complete opposite of your former husband. He is obsessed with a healthy lifestyle, the cult of the body, and the book in his hands is rather an exception to the rule. It is not surprising that the intellectual abilities of younger children are far from ideal. But they participate in all school competitions and love to help you with housework.
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A new family is stressful for children and adults
The situations that cause families to break up vary. In one case, an independent mother gets married, and the child’s biological father left the family long ago; in another, the parents divorce; in the third, one of the parents dies. Parent and child have their own way of life, in which it is not so easy to accept the personality and habits of a “stranger.” If the new partner already has a child, then it is necessary to establish relationships with not one, but several people.
Among the common problems that a child and an adult face in a new family is the ability to accept one or more “strangers.” At first, the child may be jealous of the parent for the new partner, feel abandoned and lack attention from him. A common mistake a stepfather or stepmother makes is the desire to immediately take the place of the absent parent, which can be negatively perceived by the child.
On the other hand, a stepfather or stepmother may not have the desire to raise someone else's child, since they are not obligated to love him. Mothers most often fear that the stepfather will offend the child and therefore are not always ready to entrust him with upbringing. Certain difficulties may arise if the child continues to communicate with the parent who left the family.
The child of a new partner of a mother or father can also cause negative feelings - all due to the same jealousy and negativity towards the stepfather or stepmother. However, cases of friendship between half-siblings are not that uncommon. This is possible with the wise and tactful behavior of adults - the parent and his new spouse.
Create a relationship
Is true friendship possible between half-siblings? “It only occurs if children spend a lot of time together,” says child psychologist Elena Moskaleva. “The more events and personal stories that unite them, the smaller the age difference, the more brotherly and trusting relationships are established between them.”
Relationships can be trusting and friendly. But also neutral, competitive and avoidant too. Of course, they change over time and are not always reciprocal. Be that as it may, for every child, family restructuring is a complex process leading to the establishment of new emotional connections.
Children's physical development will also differ
Don't be surprised if neighbors and new acquaintances so often pester you with questions. They see that your children are too different in build, height, and hair color. Even their facial features or characteristic mannerisms can be radically different. Do not be sad that there is such discord in your family. Science knows many cases where one of the fraternal twins was very tall and powerful, and the other was small and thin. At the same time, their facial features and hair color were different. Despite all their external differences, your children are one big, cohesive group. And this is entirely your fault!
What to do if children from different marriages hate each other?
Sometimes it is not possible to improve relations between stepbrothers or sisters, despite all efforts. If rejection and hatred have reached the limit, parents urgently need to take action.
Scandals and fights must be stopped immediately. You can hold a family council and give children the opportunity to speak without interrupting or judging anyone.
Typically, this situation arises when younger family members have left preschool age; invite teenagers to make their own decisions about how to resolve the conflict. Sometimes parents model situations where children are forced to ally.
Pleasant moments experienced together during a vacation also bring us closer together. There is no need to clearly take the side of one of the children; a neutral attitude is better. Offending the weak for the sake of maintaining a calm environment is a real betrayal.
If one child's aggression goes beyond all limits, you can offer him to temporarily live with the other parent or grandparent. At the same time, it must be said that he will always be able to return back, provided that family rules are followed in the future.
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Their fathers may have different parenting styles
One of your husbands may be too soft, kind-hearted, denying any methods of punishment, while the other, on the contrary, is harsh and strict. One loves to play with children for hours on end. Even now, when you do not live together, he regularly takes the kids for the weekend and devotes all his free time to them. It’s no wonder that children “have a blast” in their father’s house to the fullest. They literally stand on their ears and don’t know the word “no.” It's very difficult for you when Sunday evening comes. Often you listen to complaints from your current spouse that your older children are eccentric, ill-mannered and not accustomed to order. You have already experienced many family conflicts and are constantly taking the fire upon yourself. It is very difficult to maneuver between diametrically opposed parenting styles. And if you manage to do this, you can be awarded the title of “heroine mother”.
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Their fathers can't stand each other
Every person dreams of finding personal happiness, even if the family boat is broken into pieces. Your ex-partner doesn't judge your desire to get married again. The new spouse is too jealous of your past. They will never be best friends and will avoid each other as much as possible. However, this circumstance does not prevent you from hoping to maintain neutrality. Of course, there are families where former partners get along well with current partners and even visit each other in pairs. However, such an idyll is rather an exception to the rule. If this is not your case, stop blindly hoping and counting on reconciliation between the two sides. Don't have unreasonable hopes. You already have the difficult mission of being a peacemaker for children. You already manage conflicts between kids on a daily basis. Why do you need another unbearable burden? These two people are complete strangers to each other and are simply hostages of circumstances. Be wise and try to minimize the amount of conflict between fathers.
Problems of adults and children in new families
The appearance of a stepmother or stepfather in the family is serious stress for the child. A new partner of a mother or father can cause jealousy because it disrupts the usual structure that has developed in the family. In addition, the parent is forced to pay attention not only to the child, but also to the new spouse. Such situations often lead to conflicts. The situation becomes more complicated when children from the first marriage of the stepfather or stepmother, or newborns appear in the new family.
Children from different marriages react to the situation differently. If the situation is favorable, they can maintain good relationships with both the father's new family and the mother's new partner. But at the very beginning, conflicts are possible between half-brothers and sisters, whom they do not yet consider as such. Gradually, warm relations and even friendship can be established between them. There are also cases when half-brothers or sisters feel sympathy for each other almost immediately.
Accepting a new partner's child is not an easy task for an adult either. Some are able to replace an absent father or mother, while others remain strangers if they do not make any attempts to improve relations. At the very beginning, communicating with a new family is stressful for everyone, but with the necessary effort it can turn out to be a friendly family.
Coping with jealousy
Competing for the love of their parents, half-siblings defend themselves, but at the same time they suffer greatly. Everyone wants to receive more love. “The child wages a constant war for the attention of “his” parent, and the most heated debates flare up when comparing a stepfather with a father or a stepmother with a mother,” confirms Elena Moskaleva. “Each of the children believes that their parent is better.” The cause of disagreements between children may be unresolved contradictions between former spouses. “It is easier for children to transfer their internal discord into relationships with stepbrothers and sisters than to admit that one of the parents is wrong,” says Angela Paramonova. “The situation becomes even more complicated if one of the adults opposes their child’s too close friendship with new relatives.”
Jealousy
Be reasonable and do not allow your ex-husband to see the children in your new home. Do not hide phone calls and do not go to a meeting at the first request. However, it is possible that jealousy will work in the opposite direction. For example, the pride of your ex-spouse may be hurt by the fact that you had two pregnancies with your new partner within a year. After all, before having children in your first marriage, you “tried” for several years.
How to build relationships with your husband's/wife's children from his first marriage?
For many, a spouse's child is a constant reminder of a loved one's past life.
And the first step towards a harmonious family is to accept this fact. Accept that there was a time when the child and ex-wife, husband were the most important people for your partner. It passed and left a mark on everyone’s soul. There are no children who do not suffer from their parents’ divorce.
The task of both adults is to help the child adapt to new conditions . Adults have an advantage: they have an understanding of the situation, the ability to cope with life’s adversities, and all the necessary material resources. Kids don't have all this. There is only fear of losing love and support.
Everyone needs to work on relationships, but the woman has to do most of the mental work, since the emotional atmosphere in the family depends on her. It’s also not easy for a man: he has to show maximum tact and patience, and take into account the opinion of another person.
The first step to building family ties is to establish trusting relationships. This process is long, it is better if the child gets used to the new partner of mom or dad gradually.
It is difficult for a child to let a stranger into his world; forced cohabitation will cause him to protest. The same applies to half-brothers and sisters. You should not try to replace a biological parent, much less denigrate him in the eyes of a child, even if he deserves it.
The laws of kinship are such that the natural mother and father are the best for the baby. There is no need to respond negatively if the wife’s (husband’s) ex-husband turns the child against the person who took his place.
This can cause aggression and rejection. In conflict situations, it is advisable to maintain at least apparent calm and discuss all issues in a friendly atmosphere.
You need to be patient, remember that the most difficult moments will have to be experienced in the first year of rapprochement. It’s also not worth sacrificing your interests: the family hierarchy will build up, and it will be difficult to fix anything.
Communication with relatives
And again we are faced with different habits of the former and current partners. If the parents of the first husband were excluded from meetings with their grandchildren, now you see that everything has changed dramatically. Grandparents are frequent guests in your home, they bring gifts and spoil their grandchildren with attention. Ideally, older children will not be superfluous at this celebration of life.
You will have more experience communicating with younger children
You always want to think that you are a good mother to older children. But the reality is that young parents have too high demands on their offspring and often make parenting mistakes due to inexperience. Understanding your purpose comes later. Also, younger children have more freedom and are under less pressure.
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