Psychology of family relationships: 6 main qualities for a family

The psychology of family relationships studies problematic issues and situations that arise in the field of realizing personal aspirations and goals in family relationships. Almost every individual today faces problems of preserving and maintaining warm family relationships. It often happens that the longer the partners live together, the more acute the disagreements, conflicts, and emotional reactions to each other. The family is the most important social institution, influencing both the individual and society as a whole. It is characterized by a rather difficult relationship between two different individuals.

What a modern family can be like

The formation of full-fledged family relationships is strongly influenced by one of the recognized forms of their existence:

• Traditional marriage (civil/church). It is aimed, first of all, at the protection and protection of the younger generation, but at the same time it has the largest number of legalized rules, traditions, and prohibitions regarding the relationship between spouses.
• Unregistered marriage. Joint housekeeping, living together, but no documents confirming this relationship.
• Alternative family forms (time-bound, interrupted, dating, Swedish, etc.)

In modern society, the main reason for the existence of a family is to care for the younger generation. The child becomes the center of his parents' life. For his sake, they are able to sacrifice their studies, work, and career. Private life and equal participation of spouses in the upbringing process are becoming dominant principles, which has led to an understanding of the need to plan for future children. The Russian mentality dictates its terms, bringing intimate and emotional attachment to the fore. However, hypertrophied parental duty has led to a certain shift in the framework of marital relations.

The decline in the value of traditional marriage and the emergence of alternative types of relationships between a man and a woman have blurred the basic criteria of a family, which, in turn, has deprived the specificity of the definition of the rights and responsibilities of spouses and their main marital role.

The problem of family relations between a man and a woman has become especially noticeable against the background of the so-called civil marriage, which does not have documentary evidence. The absence of responsibilities to society creates in a man a feeling of a certain freedom while fully solving everyday problems and providing him with family comfort. However, in terms of determining the paternity of the unborn child, the last word remains with the woman, who has the right to decide for herself whose name will appear on the birth certificate.

A strange situation arises: on the one hand, freedom of relations, which allows each spouse to maintain personal space, and on the other, psychological and economic vulnerability. Such a connection is especially painful for women who have a genetic desire for a stable existence and confidence in the future for themselves and their children.

It turns out that the model of its education is very important for the well-being of a family. Only in the case of equal participation in decision making and correct distribution of marital roles can we talk about stable, developing family relationships. The meaning of the term “marriage” is movement side by side, “in one harness.”

Why do relationships deteriorate?

The first time after the wedding, it seems that the relationship will always be ideal and trusting. But what to do when the opposite happens and constant quarrels and dissatisfaction with each other only grows?

In addition to the monotony of family life and dissatisfaction with certain habits and character traits of the spouse, the cause of mutual claims, psychologists identify some unjustified expectations:

1. Perhaps the wife expects her husband to be a real breadwinner and to quickly provide her and the children with housing and everything they need. And he will certainly earn a lot of money, which will be enough for children, a new fur coat, and a luxurious vacation. At the same time, he must pay enough attention to his family and spend a lot of time with them. At the same time, she herself is not obliged to go to work or is ready to work exclusively on a part-time job.
2. The situation is reminiscent of the first, but in this case the husband expects his wife to earn and work hard at work on an equal basis with him or even more. At the same time, a young and beautiful wife must give birth to at least two children and always remain in great shape like Angelina Jolie.
3. Before marriage, a spouse leads a fairly active lifestyle: they go to nightclubs and like to spend time in the company of friends. After entering into a legal marriage, the second partner expects from his other half that the festivities will stop and a calm, measured married life will take its place. But the husband or wife does not want to change their usual lifestyle, even despite marriage and the presence of children.
4. The discrepancy between the idea of ​​maintaining a common life and raising children. This happens when spouses have different views on the responsibilities of a woman and a man. For example, in a girl’s family, mom and dad did the cleaning and cooking in turns or together, and the father always took part in raising the children. And in the family of a young man, women’s responsibilities around the house were considered something humiliating for the father, and only the mother always took care of the children. Having drawn conclusions from the experience of their family, young people try to build the same model in their marriage, but their opinions and expectations do not coincide.

These are just a few of the many expectations we create for ourselves. On the one hand, they help make plans and model the future, but on the other hand, they also destroy this future and deceive us. What to do to save your marriage and avoid unjustified expectations?

First of all, psychologists advise letting go of the situation and not attaching much importance to your fictitious illusions. Don't imagine too much. Throw away all emotions, dreams and think realistically. Assess the situation soberly and honestly answer all your questions about what your family life will look like after the wedding. Start with yourself, think about what exactly you do to make your partner happy and strengthen your marriage.

The most common relationship problems in the 21st century family

There are many reasons why people gradually forget about the deep feelings that underlay their life together. Let's name the most common ones.

1. Mutual misunderstanding of each other

The different opinions of men and women regarding the same situation are due to fundamental differences at the physiological level, so the problem can only be solved if this fact is realized. However, in practice, a woman desperate to reach her husband says about the reason for the divorce: “He doesn’t understand me!”

2. Gradual distance between husband and wife in personal relationships

This problem becomes quite acute when a baby is born, and the first months of his life require constant care and attention from the mother.

3. The housing problem is to blame for everything

The situation when you have to live with your husband and child in the same room in his parents’ apartment was determined historically, but few people are happy with it today. The man remained in his usual habitat, he does not want to change anything, but constant scandals and showdowns between two housewives in the same kitchen will not benefit the young family. No one can live in such conditions for long.

4.When a wife earns more than her husband

Typically, women with high social status have a strong character and, after getting married, continue to carry not only a business, but also a family: they create material well-being and at the same time run the household. Not every man will like the secondary role of a consumer, especially if he is used to making decisions on his own.

5.Dependencies

Domestic violence, the presence of harmful habits such as alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling addiction.

6.The problem of material well-being

The shortage of money is especially acute when friends and neighbors are better off. In pursuit of providing the child with everything necessary, many women begin to constantly “peck” at their spouse, reproaching him for his insolvency and inability to earn money. However, such actions more often have the opposite result, completely discouraging a man from wanting to do anything. The best option for solving the problem of family relationships is to jointly search for a job with a high income.

7. “The boat of love crashed into everyday life”

The most common situation is when, after the candy-bouquet period, it turns out that dinner needs to be cooked at home, and money for flowers is not provided for in the family budget. And everyone’s habits in everyday life are far from romantic relationships.

8.No common goal

The desire to live together is not supported by any common deeds. Even going to the store together is not the goal of the day off. Life becomes monotonous and boring. In this case, the search for entertainment may begin on the side.

Psychology of family life and crises in relationships

Even the happiest marriage, where spouses are simply made for each other, rarely goes without crises. What can we say about those family relationships that people are trying to build who have absolutely no understanding of either their psychology or the characteristics of their partner’s character.

Why do crises constantly arise in family life?

Of course, the union should be based on love, but it is impossible to be guided in a relationship only by the heart, completely excluding reason.

How to become a good wife?

Family life is a complex science, and even if you don’t believe in psychology, it definitely believes in you.

In order for the psychological climate in marriage to be comfortable, you need to:

1. Understand the psychology of your future partner even before you submit the application to the registry office.
2. To love the person with whom you are going to start a family. The proverb “If you endure it, you will fall in love” does not often work in practice, especially in our age of quick divorces.
3. Look for a person with whom you feel comfortable in any circumstances, your soul mate.
4. Do not turn a blind eye to existing problems and try to solve them at an early stage. If it doesn’t work out, then you shouldn’t start living together, because a stamp in your passport is not a cure for all the ills of a relationship.
5. Don’t think that after starting married life, your partner’s psychology will change. Yes, you can smooth out some rough edges, but only on the condition that the other side will meet you halfway.

As you can see, a lot comes down to choosing the right person to be your life partner. Well, and of course, no one has canceled the painstaking work on relationships, based on psychology.

Types of crises in family life.

We do not take into account unplanned difficulties that unexpectedly arise under the pressure of circumstances or in connection with the actions/behavior of one of the spouses.

Let's talk about standard crises that appear mainly in the same period:

It is important during these difficult periods not to turn a blind eye to the psychology of the problems, but to try with all your might to overcome the difficulties, provided, of course, that you are interested in saving the marriage.

Crises of family life by year.

How to maintain warm relationships and family? Psychologist Artem Tolokonin advises:

What is necessary to avoid problems in family relationships?

Regardless of the form of family organization, for its existence and development all basic functions must be performed:

• educational (satisfying the need for motherhood and fatherhood);
• household (vital needs for food, society);
• emotional (needs for psychological protection, support, recognition);
• spiritual (the need for joint leisure);
• sexual-erotic (satisfaction of intimate needs).

The priority of these functions for each pair is set individually. Over time, other needs may take first place. However, if at least one of them remains unsatisfied, problems of interpersonal relationships in the family arise. The pace of modern life has added stress to the family system, making it a psychological refuge from constant stress.

With the development of the psychology of family relationships, married couples increasingly began to resort to the services of practicing medical consultants or use thematic literature to find a way out of a crisis situation or try to prevent it in principle. The collected experience allowed psychologists to develop criteria that determine the positive development of family relationships:

• The vector of each spouse should be directed towards the other half; it is necessary to develop the ability to understand, listen, and take into account the tastes and opinions of the partner.
• Trust, love, respect, confidence in the strength of the relationship - this is what strengthens a marriage.
• It is equally important to have a separate living space, even if rented, where you can relax while maintaining your spouse’s personal space.
• Normal intimate life.

Young family

The emergence of a new family is the beginning of a long journey that a husband and wife have to go through. Building relationships with new parents is possible only with mutual respect and patience. It is necessary to understand that the spouse’s parents are also a family. With your own values, traditions, memories. You should be extremely tactful in joining a new family, trying to avoid offenses and conflict situations. Try to avoid offensive statements, the memory of which may last for years.

It is convenient to build family relationships when the husband and wife live separately from their parents. Then all responsibility for a comfortable life rests only with them. Spouses learn to adapt to each other. They look for compromises, learn habits, make peace, and make mistakes. Together they create their own model of a family in which they and their future children will be comfortable.

When young spouses start living together separately from their parents, they quickly learn new roles - husband and wife. They are not dominated by older relatives with their marriage patterns. Parents have their own life experiences, past mistakes and conflict situations. It is necessary to allow a young family to independently find solutions to certain problems.

How to properly resolve conflicts and relationship problems in the family

Many people believe that the essence of a successful marriage or the reason for its breakdown are specific problems: raising children, maintaining a family budget, distributing household responsibilities. This is not entirely true. Rather, what matters is the way spouses choose to discuss sensitive issues. Although it may be enough to agree in advance on how to express different points of view so that no one is offended. This will help reduce passions, cope with negative emotions and maintain relationships.

We demonstrate with examples how a destructive behavior strategy works and give advice on how to resolve conflicts correctly.

1. Harsh criticism

From an excess of emotions, expressing dissatisfaction with a partner’s actions can sound like hostility towards the person himself, and not towards his action. Such a negative attitude sometimes carries a more destructive emotional impact than justified criticism of behavior.

Sensible spouses express their dissatisfaction openly, without getting personal. It's very easy to do. When making a complaint, the wife specifically explains what exactly upset her and condemns her husband’s action, not his own, while indicating her reaction to what happened: “When you didn’t pick up my clothes from the dry cleaner, I decided that you had become indifferent to me.” . The emotional message here sounds affirmative, but not aggressive or passive.

If she wants to blame her husband for all the shortcomings at once, then the criticism becomes personal: “You are an irresponsible egoist, you cannot be trusted with anything.” Such epithets will not add enthusiasm to anyone. An adult will feel ashamed, as if he has been caught in some kind of wrongdoing, he will feel guilty, and will feel hostility from his partner. In such a situation, he will most likely decide to defend himself rather than correct the misunderstanding.

The problem of family relationships between a man and a woman is aggravated if criticism is accompanied by contemptuous statements, angry intonation, and an angry facial expression. The most offensive are ridicule and insults such as “nonentity”, “rag”, “scoundrel”.

The language of gestures and facial expressions adds negativity, very clearly conveying contemptuous emotions. It could be a malicious grin, a glance raised to the ceiling, corresponding to the words: “What a type you are!”

Solution: communicate without accusations.

Spouses know well how to label or prick each other more painfully: “You are selfish!”, “You are heartless!”, “You are incapable of feelings!”, “You are not independent!”, “You consider me property!”, “You You always demand something!”

Try to get rid of such expressions by using a method of communication without accusations. As a result, verbal duels and skirmishes will stop, and attention will shift to the real problem.

To do this, you need to make a specific effort and try to shift the emphasis: show dissatisfaction with what he did or did not do, but do not get personal, do not humiliate or insult, do not express a feeling of contempt.

Complaints should be constructive, talking about suffering resulting from some action or behavior, and not due to bad character. Angry treatment will only lead to the fact that the other half will be forced to defend itself or simply shut up. This situation will not relieve tension; on the contrary, it will only worsen the situation.

2.Wall of silence

Sharp expressions of negative emotions can only trigger one of two reactions: “fight or flight.” The desire to return blow to blow more often causes a surge of the same emotional reproaches. This path does not give any result except mutual insults and shouting. Fleeing from the battlefield is even more harmful when trying to solve the problem of interpersonal relationships in the family, especially if the result of the “escape” is stubborn silence and refusal to communicate.

The wall of silence is the last line of defense. The silent man goes on the defensive with a stony expression on his face, falling silent for a long time and ignoring all attempts to stir him up.

This emotional signal is something of a combination of icy reserve, superiority, and hostility.

According to psychologists, such a wall of silence is a sure sign of a deteriorating relationship. In 85% of cases, the husband used this weapon of defense, withdrawing into himself in response to his wife’s endless claims, expressed with a feeling of contempt on his face.

The erection of such a barrier has a destructive effect on relationships, excluding any possibility of reconciliation and resolving differences.

Solution: openly discuss emerging problems.

The power of the voice and the ability to use it to take control of a situation are most often used in practice by women, although there are exceptions. So this advice is more likely for the male half.

Husbands should not shy away from conflict, because wives behave this way with good intentions. Expressing grievances or disagreements can be considered a manifestation of love, a desire to maintain a strong relationship, although the motives for female hostility may be completely different.

If mutual grievances accumulate and simmer for a long time, then aggravation is inevitable, sooner or later an explosion will occur. But if controversial issues are discussed to the end each time, without allowing irritation and unspoken complaints to accumulate, the release of tension will not be so painful.

Recommended articles on this topic:

• Why the husband does not sleep with his wife: problems and their solutions
• How to break up with a married man and start a happy life
• An affair with a married man: pros and cons

3. Poisonous thoughts

The children became so noisy that Martin, their father, was infuriated. He sarcastically asked his wife Melanie: “Darling, don’t you think it’s time to calm them down?” But in his head he formed a completely different phrase: “She allows them a lot.”

Sensing dissatisfaction in her husband’s words, Melanie felt internal irritation. Her face tensed, her eyebrows frowned sternly, and in response she said: “It’s okay if the children play before bed. They'll be heading to bed soon." But she was mentally indignant: “He’s finding fault again. You can’t please him forever.”

Martin's anger became obvious. Standing in a threatening pose and clenching his fists, he said irritably: “Maybe you’re waiting for me to put them down?” And I thought: “She constantly objects to me. We need to put her in her place.”

Martin’s outburst of rage frightened his wife, and Melanie quietly said: “What are you, what are you, I’ll put them down now.” And it flashed in my head: “I’ve completely lost my belt, as if the children wouldn’t get it. I’d rather give in.”

The founder of cognitive therapy, Iron Beck, was the first to identify the existence of parallel conversations - verbal and mental. He presented them as examples of types of thinking that can create serious problems in family relationships between a man and a woman and destroy even the strongest marriage. Real emotions are expressed in the dialogues in Martin and Melanie's heads, and the thoughts themselves appeared under the influence of another, deeper layer, which Beck called "automatic thoughts." These are subtle background assumptions about ourselves and the people around us.

This is Melanie’s thought: “He bothered me with his irritation for any reason.” And Martin will have in his head: “She doesn’t dare ignore my opinion.” In this family, the wife thinks that she is an innocent victim, and the husband is angry because, in his opinion, he is not taken into account.

A similar mental background is typical for spouses who have not found happiness in marriage. Thoughts about the status of an innocent victim, filled with righteous anger, constantly fuel mutual resentment. Once they become firmly established in the mind, confirmation of this will begin to appear automatically: a partner who believes that he is being deliberately bullied constantly monitors the actions of his spouse, looking for something in them that confirms his position as a martyr, not paying attention to positive actions that can convince him in the opposite.

Solution: get rid of the pessimistic pattern.

The general pattern of thoughts that can support or alleviate suffering follows psychologist Martin Seligman's model of pessimistic and optimistic attitudes.

Pessimism in a spouse causes the assumption that the partner has a bunch of shortcomings that cannot be eradicated, which is the key to torment: “He is selfish, he thinks only about himself,” “These are the results of his upbringing, they cannot be changed,” “He is sure that I will fulfill all his whims, but at the same time he is completely indifferent to how I feel.”

An optimistic spouse thinks something like this: “For some reason he has become so demanding,” “I didn’t notice this before, he was so attentive,” “He’s probably in a bad mood, maybe something happened at work.” This point of view does not question the reliability of the husband and the stability of the marriage. On the contrary, she tries to explain the unpleasant situation by introduced circumstances that may disappear or change tomorrow.

The first point of view brings only suffering, the second calms. Spouses who are in a pessimistic position are very dependent on their emotions. They easily become enraged, insult, and are acutely worried about the actions of their significant other, and therefore immediately worry when they notice the first signs of an impending attack of anger. Being in constant stress with a pessimistic attitude in relationships, they are highly likely to pour out their contempt and indignation at the moment of a collision with a partner. Such a reaction can provoke leaving the wall of silence.

4.When emotions take over reason

The essence of emotional intelligence is the ability to manage your impulses to action, which underlie strong emotions. It is especially difficult to manage feelings for those who are in intimate relationships that have become the meaning of life, and will try to do everything to preserve them.

In such cases, the most secret desires come under emotional attack: the need for love and respect from a partner, the fear of being left alone or turning into an empty place for a spouse. Participation in family battles is quite natural, because the whole future life may depend on their outcome.

But a positive decision is possible only if the spouses know how to control their emotions and do not allow feelings to prevail over reason. Therefore, if there is a relationship problem in the family, an argument in favor of its speedy resolution will be advice to learn to control your own excited feelings.

In moments of stress and emotional outburst, a person practically loses the ability to listen, think and speak intelligently, so the ability to quickly calm down and not give free rein to anger is a very constructive move that helps to successfully resolve controversial issues. Solution: Don't fuel your anger.

Spouses can make an agreement in advance that at the first signs of “emotional flooding,” each has the right to take a time out in the conversation.

This is necessary in order to separate for 15–20 minutes in the midst of a quarrel, cool down and continue the discussion in a calm manner. Although this time is not enough for complete physiological recovery, which occurs gradually and takes much longer. Residual anger causes more intense anger. Waiting a long time gives the body more time to restore balance after an emotional outburst.

During a break, you can speed up the calming process by using relaxation techniques or doing some aerobics exercises. It is even more important to use willpower to neutralize toxic thoughts that provoke new attacks of anger.

If you constantly stress yourself out and get more and more angry, then no break will help. Try to highlight negative thoughts, convincing yourself that you cannot believe them. You should study the facts and opposing points of view that can influence your opinion and make you doubt your choice.

For example, an indignant wife who has convinced herself that her husband does not care about her feelings and needs could easily refute this idea herself by remembering the many cases when her husband showed care and concern for her. As a result, her thoughts would take a completely different direction.

Family relationships

The golden rule of marriage is patience and forbearance.

Samuel Smiles

Any relationship is built on certain mutual obligations, pre-agreed, documented, or implied.
Family relationships are no exception. When entering into such a relationship, a person must understand that all his subsequent decisions and actions will now have to take into account not only his own interests, but also the interests of his partner and the entire family. Family life is life according to rules that must be followed so that problems do not arise in such a life. Otherwise, problems will appear very quickly, and they can and often do lead to a break in the relationship. Let's think in this article about exactly what rules exist in family relationships and how and why they should be followed. Let's start with the understanding that a family is a separate world, or, as I also say, a small state, the viability of which depends on how serious the people are at its foundation. Starting a family with just anyone, whoever turns up first, means being irresponsible and short-sighted. Here, as in any serious matter, you need to think through everything in advance, and not be led by immature feelings that people call love. Such love is nothing more than a set of desires of a person, which he strives to fulfill at the expense of the partner whom, as he says and seems to him, he loves. But such love is not suitable for a family, because in it you need to think not about yourself, or rather, not only about yourself, but also about your partner, about children, if there are any or when they appear. Selfishness is unacceptable for a family. That’s why you need to approach creating a family thoughtfully, and not based on emotions and feelings. And this is not such an ideal option, but quite a standard one.

Common goals

In a normal family, in this special world, in this small state, people should live by common interests and, as far as possible, pursue common global goals. It is precisely the most basic goals in life that people should have in such serious relationships, otherwise, as I have seen many times, thanks to my professional experience, they will never have complete mutual understanding, and therefore harmony in relationships, with all the ensuing consequences, including rupture of such relationships at a certain stage when disagreements become too serious. Therefore, the main rule for family relationships is this: the common basic goals of partners must coincide. If one of them is a careerist, and another is a family man, then these people will inevitably have problems. And these will be serious problems. If someone lives a mature life - studies, works for the benefit of the family, and someone prefers to live an infantile life - has fun, squanders money, maybe even has affairs on the side, chasing new emotions, like a drug addict chasing a new dose, then, again However, problems in such relationships will definitely arise and some of them may lead to the end of such relationships. Well, and other similar examples, when one partner lives one life, and the other prefers another, this is an indicator that people’s goals at a basic level do not coincide and therefore they do not adhere to this important rule, without which there will be no failure in family relationships. that happiness, and even just a normal atmosphere.

Another thing is how to coordinate the goals, how to make them the same, if they are different, then you need to look at each specific case separately. In the meantime, I encourage everyone who is planning to start a family or already has one to remember this rule in order to strive to comply with it. Swan, crayfish and pike, as you understand, cannot do any common work. And the common thing for family people is to go through life’s journey together. And this is a very serious and very difficult matter.

Division of labor

The next rule that people must observe in family relationships is the division of labor. So let's think again about what a family is? A family is a system in which everything is interconnected with everything, or rather, must be interconnected, otherwise it is not a family. So, right? People create a system, that is, something whole consisting of interconnected parts, when they start a family. And everything in it must be coordinated so that the system works smoothly and without failures. People live one life, the decision of each family member in one way or another affects all other members. In a family there is no, or rather, there should not be such a concept as “I”; there should be such a concept as “We”, it is the main one. And therefore, each element of such a system must do its job, which it is capable of doing. Someone has to earn a living, someone has to look after the household, no matter how, on their own or with the help of hired people, but this problem must be solved. Someone should take care of children, if there are any. Someone must solve certain everyday issues and problems when they arise. A division of labor inevitably arises here, because it makes the system more efficient. The one who is better at earning money should be engaged in earning a living. Whoever is better at solving some everyday issues should do just that, and so on.

Interchangeability is quite possible, as is assistance from one partner to another. But the main thing in this rule is a clear distribution of responsibilities in accordance with the abilities of each family member. Not in accordance with his desires, but in accordance with his abilities. Because a person in a family relationship should think not about his own desires, but about the needs of the family, and should work not for his own, but for the general well-being. If he wants to do one thing, but he is bad at it, worse than his partner, then he must give it up and do something that he is able to do well. And entrust your partner with the work in which he is better versed. Then the system will work, develop, and people will not have serious problems, neither material, nor everyday, nor in relationships with each other.

Try for the family

Go ahead. Let's think about one more rule of family life. It goes like this: you need to give to your family no less, or even more, than how much you take from it. This rule applies to any serious partnership. No one likes to be treated unfairly by giving him less than they take from him. That's how many family problems I had to solve, there was always the problem of injustice, when someone gave more and received less. I very often encountered and continue to encounter people’s non-compliance with this rule. Some people don't even want to know about it. Do you know why? Because such people entered into a family only for the purpose of using a partner in their own interests, and not for full cooperation, not for jointly solving various problems, not in order to overcome difficulties together and move towards common goals. Some and even many people start a family in order to have a person nearby on whom they can blame all their problems and desires, and let him take care of it all while they live for their own pleasure. They don’t want to give anything to their partner, family, they want to live for themselves, they only want to take something from their family, from their partner, and not try for it. This is a childish approach to life. And such an attitude towards her family will not bring her anything good.

Just imagine, one drags everything into the house, and the other carries everything out of the house. One is all for the family, and the other is all for himself. And it also happens that both partners do everything only for themselves, ignoring the needs of the partner and even children, if any. Such people do not create families, but what resembles a family. Two immature egoists constantly try to use each other, they have an eternal struggle with each other, like capricious children who want the world to revolve around them. Such people not only don’t want to work for their family, they don’t even allow such thoughts. Why, when they only want to take care of themselves and also for their partner to take care of them. And if they have children, then such people treat children like grass, which must grow on its own, and they do not need to take part in it. Such families are fundamentally unreliable; they have a lot of problems, quarrels and constant showdowns. Such people need to mature in order to improve their family life. They need a wise mentor who will help them grow up quickly. Trying for yourself is a sign of immaturity. A family man should try first of all for his family, which depends on him, and he depends on it.

Patience

No serious work can be done if the person doing it lacks patience. And family life, family relationships, are, of course, a very serious and important matter that needs to be done all the time while people are together. In such a matter, you have to endure a lot, a lot needs to be endured so that these relationships do not collapse due to various kinds of disagreements that arise in any family. I know not only about the problematic families with whom I work, but also about quite happy, successful ones, in which problems and disagreements also arise, people quarrel with each other, argue, even break up for a while, anything can happen. But unlike unhappy families, in good, happy families the partners usually have the patience to get through any bad times. There is great wisdom in this, when you just need to wait, not rush into a decision, wait until everything settles down, when passions subside and even when the stupidity comes out of your head, then calmly discuss everything, figure it out, and if necessary, bring in a specialist to resolve existing issues. Patience helps to wait for the right moment to solve problems. A cool head, that’s what you need to come to, that’s what patience is for. All people want to live happily, but their idea of ​​happiness may be different, as well as their understanding of how to achieve it. But at the same time, it is always possible to coordinate many of the desires of many people, especially people who have built a family, and therefore already have some kind of general idea of ​​​​happiness. Even if their opinions do not coincide in some way, it’s not scary. You never know how many different things there are in us, we are not copies of each other, so as to be similar in everything. We just need to coordinate everything that divides us with each other, then order will appear in the relationship.

I, as a person who is constantly dealing with this issue, tell you, dear readers, you can agree on a lot with your partner, you just need not to give in to emotions when they flare up due to some disagreements and mistakes that you or your partner have made, do not make decisions on a hot head. Develop patience, it will be useful not only in family relationships, but also in many other life situations. Becoming a patient person is not that difficult. To do this, you need to develop the habit of thinking in difficult situations, and not reacting emotionally to them. Read my articles on thinking, they show how to start the thinking process, it helps a person control himself, and therefore be patient when necessary. And this is often necessary and not only in family relationships.

Forgiveness

The last thing I will advise you in this article is to learn to forgive people for their mistakes and weaknesses. This is very common advice in my articles. Because he is very wise and at the same time, he is not easy to follow. In different words, in different combinations of words, I try to help people understand that forgiving others is very important, this ability is also a sign of a mature mind, because in order to forgive, it is necessary to pacify your Ego, which says that you should not allow others to do this to you, that you you don’t deserve to be treated in such a way that you have to value yourself, so you can’t forgive insults, otherwise they will keep kicking you, otherwise you won’t achieve any respect for yourself. I won't say that these are wrong thoughts. Sometimes they are very correct. And I also admit that not everything and not always can be forgiven. Only, this still needs to be done when there is reason to believe that forgiveness will give you more than unforgiveness. These are the kind of people I have never communicated with in my life on a variety of topics, we have solved a variety of problems with them, and I must say that I have never met ideal people who do everything right, do not make mistakes, and do not show weakness at different moments in their lives. , for which they could be condemned, criticized, and sometimes even hated. Well, man, there is a man, how can he be perfect if the world itself is not perfect in many ways, no matter how you look at it.

And people, as often happens, expect from each other in family life absolutely perfect behavior, perfect actions that coincide with their idealized images of wives and husbands. A husband should be like this, a wife should be like this, and therefore my partner should correspond to my “correct” idea of ​​him. And when this does not happen, people are indignant, make claims against their husbands and wives, criticize them, put pressure on them in order to get them to behave correctly from their point of view. And this suggests that people see in themselves an ideal that is worthy of an exceptional and perfect attitude towards themselves, which, again, does not correspond to reality. In reality, a person often turns out to be much worse than he thinks about himself, but he doesn’t even notice it, because his Ego protects him from such truth. And therefore, with such a person there are no fewer problems than he has with his partner. This must be understood in order to forgive people in cases where this can be done, when there is no catastrophe in their actions, in order to count on such forgiveness ourselves. You have forgiven and you will be forgiven, and there can be many such forgiveness, because many situations will arise in life when each of us does something wrong. In my practice, and in life too, there have been cases when a person criticizes other people, rightly criticizes, for a reason, and not just like that, and then he himself finds himself in exactly the same situation and behaves in a similar way. Then he comes to understand why people can behave in one way or another and that it is not so easy, and maybe even impossible, to behave differently so as not to be judged or criticized. In general, as the Bible says: “Judge not, lest ye be judged.” This wisdom is very helpful. Only in our case we can say this: “Forgive and you will be forgiven.”

These are the rules of family relationships that those who have these relationships must follow. There is nothing special about them, you see, ordinary life rules, which may not be very easy to follow, rules in general are not easy to follow, you need discipline, constant attention to yourself, but this must be done for the same reason for which we do in any other matters We follow some rules so that everything is fine in them. Nothing serious can exist without rules, no important thing can be done if you do not adhere to the necessary sequence of actions and restrictions, when you do not allow yourself to do everything you want, because you cannot do it. And in life, you often cannot do something that you want, otherwise there will be no order and there will be nothing good that is born only with order. Can you imagine a state in which laws do not work, where there are no rules, everyone does what they want? Can you imagine a game without rules, in which everyone plays as they please? Or is it possible to imagine the movement of traffic on the roads of the city, without any rules? It may be possible to imagine, but it will be a terrible picture. This is how it is in family relationships. For them to exist, and for everything to be good in them, you need to know the rules of family life and follow them. I have named only a small part of these rules, but they are very important. There are others, we will also talk about them someday.

From some people I heard, and sometimes I still hear now, when we discuss the topic of relationships with people, that they do not want to obey any rules, observe something, sacrifice something, limit themselves in something. They want to live the way they like, the way they want. And why on earth should they give up their beloved life in favor of some kind of family relationship? It’s like serving someone or something, and not living for themselves. I would like to tell such people that everything serious in this life requires compliance with the rules. You can not adhere to any rules at all, then you shouldn’t start any serious business, anyway nothing will work out. If you want to build an airplane that will fly, then you must follow the laws of physics, adhere to certain rules when building the airplane, maintain discipline, and not just do what you like and how you like it. Otherwise you won't build anything. If you want to play football with your friends, you again must adhere to certain rules that this game has in order for it to work out. And so it is in everything.

Well, what about the family, why should it be different? He started her with just anyone, how do you live, do what you want, and not what you need, you don’t follow any rules, and what will happen in the end, in such a relationship? Continuous problems, suffering, hatred, resentment and other similar unpleasant things. This is what will happen. How else. I’m not painting any ideal pictures here. The rules I propose are suitable for all people; they do not require superhuman efforts from a person, but he must make some efforts to comply with them. You have to take everything serious seriously if you want everything to work out. And a family is not some small thing to ignore the rules necessary for its creation and maintenance. We start one not because it is customary to do so in our society, but in order to be happy. And happiness requires certain sacrifices, like everything else that is valuable in this world. And I don’t think that following these rules is too much of a sacrifice, even for a freedom-loving person. After all, they are important not only for family life, but also for life in general. In human society, every person, no matter who he is, needs to follow certain rules in order to get along with the people around him and maintain relationships with them that are beneficial for him and for them.

How to increase self-esteem?

Let's use men as an example. How can a man improve his self-esteem? For example, if a man grows in his career and business, then his self-esteem also grows. He becomes more courageous, more self-confident. Why? Because he understands that the more successful he is, the more valuable he is, in principle, to many people. And his condition changes because of this.

Many girls also resort to this when pursuing a career or business. But it is important to understand, yes, self-esteem from a career or business can also grow higher, but this is not a woman’s self-esteem, this is a person’s self-esteem. And often a woman can be confident in work, in business, but often nonsense happens in life. And often there is such a dissonance that she is successful in her career and business, but not in relationships. It's different for women. A woman's self-esteem greatly depends on the quality of her relationships with men.

This is how the world works. This does not mean that you should bow down to someone or try. No. This means that you must first establish a relationship with yourself. These are the most important relationships you need to establish. And when you establish them, your relationships with men will also improve. Until you have established a relationship with yourself, you want to manipulate, you want to pretend to be someone you are not, and you attract the same men who pretend to be someone they are not. And you and each other have hard sex in the brain. If you are satisfied with this, then continue in the same spirit, if you are not satisfied with this, ask yourself more often the question: what is my plan, what do I really want and what am I doing or not doing for this. Am I moving exactly towards my goals and desires or am I marking time.

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Family traditions

It is important for a family to have common memories and traditions. They promote unity and friendly relationships. These could be picnics where the whole family gathers. Or a joint annual vacation. If parents and their adult children live in different areas or cities, there is a need for such traditions.

General holidays and birthdays are celebrated in high spirits. The whole family gets together, congratulating the heroes of the day, decorating the room for the celebration. Gifts are an excellent reason to restore shaky family relationships, ask for an apology or forgive relatives. All troubles and misunderstandings are forgotten in the cheerful whirlwind of the holiday.

If parents and adult children live together, having dinner together can become a nightly tradition. Leisurely conversations over a cup of tea, discussing plans for the future. In this case, the development of family relationships and common traditions contribute to the creation of friendly ties between parents, children and grandchildren.

Secrets, secrets and rules of an ideal family life

The basic principles on which the lives of truly happy families are based:

1. Mutual respect and trust. This applies not only to spouses, but also to parents with children. In a family where everyone respects each other, listens to everyone’s opinion and is always ready to help, conflicts and misunderstandings cannot arise.
2. A man's ability to take responsibility. The man is the head of the family. Currently, this role often belongs to a woman, and most conflicts arise precisely because a man ceases to bear responsibility for the family, and a woman takes on non-feminine responsibilities.
3. A woman's desire to be a mother and housewife .
   The main purpose of a woman is to maintain home comfort and raise children. Family life should be organized in such a way that a woman always has enough time and energy for her home, her husband, and her children.
4. The ability of spouses to escape from everyday life. Often relationships end due to a cooling of a man and a woman towards each other, caused by the departure of romance and passion from their relationship. Spouses should always remember that they are not only partners and parents, but also loving people. The ability to find time for leisure time together is an important factor in maintaining a relationship.

Secrets of a happy family

A happy family life, relationships are built by both spouses. Both husband and wife are to blame for the causes of quarrels and conflicts. There is no need to create illusions or idealize marriage. Family is always problems, moments of crisis, grievances. It is necessary to learn to forgive each other, to treat habits and beliefs with understanding and patience.

A happy family solves problems that arise together, together. Spouses learn to seek compromises. The secret of happiness is not in avoiding conflicts, but in their awareness and peaceful resolution. Do not keep silent about grievances, but talk more and try to understand another point of view. Quarrel, swear, but always return to peace and harmony in the family.

Only helping each other and patience will help overcome misunderstandings. In a happy family, care and respect come first. This is daily work for the common good. Warm praise from a spouse, kindness, and compassion help people overcome difficult life situations.

Don't overprotect your children. They too must learn from their own mistakes. Show initiative and independence. Nevertheless, help and mutual assistance will guarantee happy family relationships.

We all go for walks together more often and relax. Go out into nature or have a picnic. Common overcoming of difficulties, shared fun and joy will bind the family together for many years.

Mutual understanding in the family

If there is no mutual understanding in the family, the spouses begin to move away from each other. The inability to express your point of view can result in misunderstanding, resentment, and quarrels. In order not to bring your family to a scandal or divorce, you should reconsider your habits. Both sides are necessarily involved in this. Spouses must learn to find a common language so as not to bring the relationship to a critical point. Therefore you need:

• Avoid being categorical.
• Do not consider only your point of view correct.
• Do not be indifferent to the interests (hobbies) of your other half.
• Eliminate suspicion.
• Avoid rude, harsh statements.

Adultery (Why do spouses cheat on each other)

Cheating can happen at any stage of a family relationship. Occasionally, the reason for a man’s drinking spree becomes banal physical attraction combined with low moral principles (when the desire to get pleasure “here and now” exceeds the sense of family duty to his wife). However, much more often, factors such as:

• sexual dissatisfaction or boredom in bed;
• lack of self-confidence, the need to recognize one’s attractiveness in the eyes of the opposite sex;
• lack of spiritual intimacy, mental loneliness, when “there is no one to talk to”;
• violation of personal space, the need to feel free;
• tense family situation, need for psychological release, need to relieve stress;
• need for protection: the family is not a support system, one of the partners does not feel stability (in money or feelings) and tries to find it on the side.

If a person receives everything he needs in a family relationship (love, respect, sexual satisfaction, recognition, understanding, care, physical and mental rest, stability), the desire to look for someone on the side does not arise. Not everyone is able to forgive betrayal, but trying to prevent such a turn of events is the task of both spouses.

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Stages of family development

Almost all families face difficulties. A certain crisis is coming. Both marriage and family relationships are changing and reaching a new level. The main stages of development occur depending on the level of maturity of the spouses.

• The first year of family life. Be able to find compromises and give in to each other. Adapt, look for a comfortable form of existence together.
• Birth of a child. Develop comfortable methods of interaction with each other and with the child. Awareness of your parental position.
• 3–5 years of family life. The child grows up, the woman goes to work. Distribution of responsibilities in the family. New forms of interaction, where there are two working spouses, but responsibility and child care still remain.
• 8–15 years of family life. The usual, familiar way of life brings boredom. Accumulated problems, mutual grievances. Petty nagging and irritation interfere with good relationships.
• 20 years of family life. Risk of change. The emergence of a new family and children (usually the husband). Reassessment of values ​​and summing up the first life results. The desire to change everything, to start over.
• Grown children, retirement. No one to care for, an empty house, loneliness. Search for new interests. Rebuilding relationships with spouse and adult children.