What is a civil marriage for a man from a psychological point of view?

A civil marriage is often called a bird's-eye relationship. There seems to be nothing wrong with such a union, but there is a clear smack of inferiority.

“Let’s live together, let’s test our feelings” - a trusting woman herself walks into an insidious trap and slams it behind herself.

But months and years pass, and for some reason the man is in no hurry to buy the treasured ring... Why? Because such relationships are beneficial to him.

A comment

Our fourth interlocutor focuses on the following things: registration is beneficial after the birth of a child - this makes it easier to resolve the issue of expansion. Everything is clear here: benefit, convenience. The second emphasis is on human integrity. If a man is decent, he will take care of his family in the same way as if he were in a registered marriage. And vice versa, if a partner is irresponsible and selfish, no marriage will correct him. So what's the point?

Perhaps this is so, only psychologists say that the official registration of marriage is a new step in the history of the family. If after 2-3 years of civil marriage (and this is the period that is considered ideal for learning about each other), the spouses do not plan to register, then their relationship begins to “tread water” - there is nowhere to develop. And a registered marriage provides new opportunities and roles. The role of husband and wife, the role of father and mother. Teaches you to treat conflicts more wisely: it’s no longer so easy to slam the door like a child and leave forever. Teaches how to manage joint property. Teaches you to be guided by the interests of another, and not just your own (which often happens in a civil marriage). Well, when a child is born, the overall picture of the world changes, we can talk about this for a long time. And psychologically, people feel most comfortable in a registered marriage.

All about civil marriage

Conventionally, “common-law husbands” can be divided into three categories.

1. An exemplary family man . This category includes ardent opponents of weddings and everything connected with them.

They sincerely consider their chosen one to be their “wife”. For them, this is family, even without official status.

2. Eternal groom . Such men like the feeling of freedom and independence.

In order to “press” the gentleman and bring him to the registry office, you will have to burn a lot of nerve cells.

Nevertheless, individuals lend themselves well to “training” and they can be convinced.

3. User . They have more than one or two civil marriages behind them. These are nomadic men who prefer to look for gullible women and feed them “breakfast” for years.

As soon as a lady begins to encroach too persistently on her personal freedom, her common-law husband goes off into the sunset.

What is the difference between a civil marriage and cohabitation? Basically nothing.

People who live together for a long time and do not take any steps towards legalizing their marriage seem to be signaling to each other: “I am waiting for someone better, and you are just a temporary refuge.”

“No time to register, don’t want to spend money”

It doesn’t take a lot of time to register a marriage, especially since now the application can be submitted via the Internet. The state fee for registering a marriage in 2021 costs 350 rubles, and you are not obligated to organize a major celebration.

In all these pseudo-reasons lies one, subconscious, which not everyone is ready to voice - uncertainty. Uncertainty that “I have found my person.” Therefore, if there is a partner next to you who has been living with you in a civil marriage for quite a long time and claims that the stamp in the passport does not mean anything, do not believe it. He is simply not ready to start a family with you.

Civil marriage: arguments for

1. No worries and no hassle . Actual marriage is “goodbye, freedom!” Along with the ring and marriage certificate, the man receives a bunch of additional responsibilities.

Previously, I wanted to - I nailed the shelf, but I didn’t want to - it fails for another six months. And no one decree.

But after the wedding ceremony, the angelic girl somehow too quickly takes the reins into her own hands and shows what she expects from her partner. And you can’t argue: after all, a man is obliged to be the master of the house, he signed up for it himself.

2. Stamp kills romance . A wedding after a civil marriage is perceived by some men as a heavenly punishment, and the wife is a kind of snake that has wrapped itself around the neck and does not want to get off.

So the weaker sex came up with a beautiful excuse: they say, the stamp kills all romance. Before the wedding - flowers, sweets, kisses, after - everyday life, dirty diapers and eternal quarrels.

3. I'm free . Kipelov’s song perfectly reflects the inner feeling of a man.

It’s funny, but in the course of research conducted by psychologists at Moscow State University, it turned out that 90% of women living in civil marriages consider themselves wives, but only 35% of men are ready to call themselves husbands in such relationships.

The rest are guys in eternal search. Yes, these are the forty-year-old “guys” with gray hair showing through.

It seems that such a man takes a woman on a long-term lease, without unnecessary obligations. He feels good and comfortable: a well-established life, sex on demand, emotional support.

Many ladies view civil marriage as a particularly difficult test of professional aptitude: “I will cook his favorite dishes, iron his shirts and almost bring his slippers in my teeth. Then he will understand what a treasure I am and will marry.”

This is a dangerous illusion: if after a year or two of living together he did not understand this, everyone who enters here should give up hope. Why should he get married if everything is wonderful as it is?

4. Property in a civil marriage . The law on the division of joint property does not apply to a couple.

Even if the common-law spouse has an established business, real estate and his own star in the sky, after the breakup the woman will legally receive nothing.

Only if the partner is generous and does not allow her to remain broke. And there is rarely a place in the queue for inheritance for a “common-law” wife.

But for a man this is a definite plus: he doesn’t have to worry about being ripped off. A mortgage in a civil marriage is also a risky thing.

Relationships tend to end, and if the loan is issued to only one spouse, the chances of proving that the other party also invested their funds are zero. And this is a huge minus.

5. You can leave at any time . And a man will not be held back by either a “unmarried wife” or joint children... No divorce, quarrels, litigation.

He slammed the door and left. What complaints can there be about the choice of an officially free person?

But the new mistress knows thirty poses from the Kama Sutra by heart and cooks more delicious borscht.

A man who has deep feelings will want to tie the lady of his heart to himself in every possible way. The stronger sex are terrible owners.

6. No fatherly responsibilities . By law, a man is not obliged to support a newborn and his mother.

They call him “Dad” purely nominally, since nothing connects a man with a child other than the gene pool.

In order to extract alimony from a common-law husband, you will have to prove in court the fact of paternity and the existence of family relationships.

7. Relatives . If you live in a civil marriage, you don’t have to worry that your parents won’t like your partner.

You don’t have to introduce them at all! No Sunday lunches with parents, “fun” vacations with mother-in-law, slavery at a shared dacha!

Don't consider a man a wonderful son-in-law? Very well. Formally, there is no family relationship between them. So what's the difference?

8. Proficiency test . For many men, a wife is a household robot whose basic functions are washing, cooking, ironing, cleaning...

So men choose a life partner as a new piece of equipment: so that it is multifunctional, works well, and makes life easier for its “owner.”

And a civil marriage is a kind of test drive: does the borscht cook well, does it iron shirts well. And in bed you want a passionate lioness, and not a dull log!

9. Control levers . Some women fanatically want to get married, and this gives a man an excellent opportunity for manipulation.

“Where is the arrow on the trousers? What a wife you are, you don’t even know how to iron!”

In an official marriage, the lady would have long ago indicated the direction where her husband should go with his nagging.

But this is impossible, otherwise there will never be a wedding. So the man lives like a padishah, and his common-law wife lives as a concubine.

10. I change women like gloves . It is extremely inconvenient to officially register a relationship and break it off after a year or two.

So the free pages in your passport will quickly run out! But a non-binding civil marriage is an excellent solution.

We broke up - and you can look for a new soul mate without a twinge of conscience. No one keeps track of the number of civil marriages a man has...

Positive aspects of cohabitation

Even in the recent past, civil marriage was considered a sin. Only after the wedding in the temple did a man and a woman acquire the status of legal spouses.

Nowadays, no one is afraid of cohabitation before marriage, but whether it’s good or bad—opinions differ. An open relationship has both positive and negative aspects.

What benefits do partners receive in coexistence:

• checking the reciprocity of feelings;
• practice of solving everyday problems;
• daily housekeeping;
• organization of leisure;
• acquisition of sexual experience;
• getting to know each other's morals and habits;
• assessment of the development of further relationships.

If the “breaking in” period is completed successfully, the likelihood of staying together increases. When something doesn’t suit you, uncommitted people simply go their separate ways.

In relationships that are not recorded on paper, a man is more interested. Officially, he is free, and at the same time he is always well-fed, sexually satisfied, his shirt is clean and ironed.

Oddly enough, the positive aspects of this union for a man turn out to be negative for a woman.

Is cohabitation good or bad?

Not everyone is ready for cohabitation as a replacement for marriage. There are people who choose cohabitation because they think outside the box, conventions are alien to them, and they believe that their life should be different from traditional married relationships. They are confident that marriage is not necessary, and they choose for themselves a person who shares his opinion. But, as a rule, one person strives for cohabitation, and the other only submits to his extraordinary thinking and secretly cherishes the hope that after some time everything will fall into place, which rarely happens.

What dangerous consequences can it have?

No matter how much someone would like it to be otherwise, marriages consist of joint obligations. In cohabitation, the conditional list of these obligations is almost always mixed in the direction of reducing the obligations themselves, along the lines of “we don’t owe each other anything”, “we just look closely at each other and at any moment we can painlessly go in different directions.” Is it so?

In part, this is possible, but only if the couple has agreed among themselves on the terms of living together, the conditions and how the separation process will take place. Of course, all this does not guarantee that nothing will change in their attitude towards their agreements during their time together. Perhaps one of the cohabitants still hoped that the relationship would be legalized. Cohabitation has the same chances for “divorce” as marriage, and does not make it any less painful, because the breakdown of relations in this case is not much different from the usual divorce of legal spouses.

Sometimes you can hear that marriage kills feelings, marriage is an obligation, and in cohabitation the romance in the relationship lasts longer. Is it so?

Partly, there is truth in this too. Living with a romantic partner before marriage is easier, more interesting and more enjoyable, because romantic relationships do not require much motivation to develop and maintain long-term relationships, everything happens as if at the stage of falling in love. It is not at all necessary to develop joint problem-solving skills, just as it is not necessary to develop conflict resolution skills, and if the romance ends, interest is lost, then the couple automatically breaks up and everyone goes “in their own direction,” if, of course, they manage to end the relationship that way.

There are several other negative consequences of cohabitation:

• it increases the risk of unfavorable outcomes in subsequent marital relationships;
• there is evidence that women living outside marriage are more likely to suffer from depression;
• In cohabiting relationships, women are more likely to experience domestic and sexual violence.

But the most severe consequences are associated with children. The consequences of their mother's cohabitation always have a negative impact on them. Children in such relationships feel less protected, not always understanding who they are with the person who lives with them and their mother, often they do not know what to call him, sometimes you can hear the following phrase: “well, his mother lives with him” , or “this is the mother’s husband, well, they live together.” Even if the relationship is good between the child and the mother’s partner, he still lives in the expectation that all this could end at any moment; the child has no confidence in the future. Children born in cohabitation are also in a difficult position; often their last name is the same as only one of the parents, and the parents are not legally related to each other. This becomes especially noticeable at school.

Of course, there are also advantages to cohabitation:

This is an opportunity to test your feelings, this is precisely the reason most people give when asked: “Why did you choose cohabitation instead of marriage?”

Many people start living together in order to spend more time with their loved one.

In order to save money, this is also a common reason.

And, of course, freedom of relationships, cohabitation is not marriage, in such relationships not everything is determined yet, and they seem freer.

Disadvantages of cohabitation:

• lack of confidence in a partner;
• the likelihood of a breakup is many times greater than in a marriage;
• lack of the effect of the novelty of living together, when everything is “like the first time”: they woke up together, felt like husband and wife, began to arrange life in a new family, etc.

Some will say that there will be fewer surprises, but it’s up to you to decide what you prefer: a traditional legal marriage or cohabitation. published by econet.ru

Author Galina Zhuravleva

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PS And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! econet

Problems with the division of joint property

During long-term residence, common-law spouses acquire jointly acquired property. It may consist of pieces of furniture, household appliances, and more significant objects, such as:

• living space (apartment, house);
• automobile;
• land plot;
• bank accounts and so on.

In this case, the legislation is on the side of the partner in whose name the property is registered. That is, the second spouse, who is not included in the certificate of ownership, will not be able to claim division of joint property.

If a couple lives without officially registering their relationship, then expensive property, if possible, should be registered as shared ownership to avoid conflicts in the future. This recommendation especially applies to families where property is purchased frequently.

But in some cases, one of the partners manages to achieve the division of jointly acquired property in court. To do this, you must correctly draw up your claim. It is recommended to include the following information:

1. the fact of living together and running a household must be described in detail;
2. in the claim it is necessary to indicate the property that the plaintiff wants to divide and considers joint;
3. a list of documentation confirming the fact of joint acquisition and citizens who can confirm this should be provided.

What to do if a man likes to live in a civil marriage.

Not all women are able to figure out why a man does not want to marry her. Sometimes expert advice is needed. Still, you can try.

• Evaluate yourself first. You need to understand exactly why you are entering into this relationship;
• Analyze your partner's actions and feelings. Whether he is aiming for a long-term relationship that can lead to legal marriage or not;
• Together with your man, make a list of tasks and areas of responsibility that each of you will deal with;
• If a man refuses to accept your conditions and considers himself a gift for you, then you should think about ending the relationship with him, since you still won’t wait for Mendelssohn’s waltz;
• If you love your chosen one and don’t want to leave him, then try to have a heart-to-heart talk with him about the prospects for your future relationship. The main thing is to choose a convenient moment and do not impose conditions;
• There are situations when a man has long considered a woman to be his legal wife and behaves like the real head of the family. In this case, he just needs a little push in the direction of marriage.

Not all men are ready to hold on to the “ghost of freedom” all their lives. Many of them, just like women, are looking for strong and stable relationships. The main thing is to find out what is on your loved one's mind. Maybe you should change your behavior, help a man get on the “true path,” or not waste precious time on a relationship that ultimately will not lead to a happy family life in a legal marriage.

Why is a man in no hurry to get married?

Many women who have not been able to officially marry a common-law husband are sure that men do not marry because they are afraid of losing their freedom and do not want to be responsible for the family.

But there are other reasons why a man does not marry his common-law wife:

• Bad experience . Perhaps the man was already in an official marriage, which was unsuccessful and the man went through an unpleasant divorce procedure. And now he is simply afraid of repeating the negative experience. He already had a family, had love, took responsibility, but there were mistakes in the relationship that led to a breakup and dissolution of the marriage. And now the man is afraid to take a rash step again;
• A woman is like an uninteresting book . For a man to want to marry a woman, she must be the one and only for him, as necessary as air. But if immediately after meeting they spend most of their time together, and after a week or two they begin to live together, then the possibility of marriage in such a union tends to zero. After all, a man, as you remember, is a conqueror. He is interested and expensive in what he got with great difficulty. And what goes into your hands itself depreciates in value. So it is with a woman. When she herself agrees to everything, just to be with him, she herself reveals all the secrets to him, she becomes for him a “read book”, which he can already put in the closet and look for a more interesting one;
• Financial instability . Money is of great importance to a man. This is why some men put off officially proposing marriage to their lady. They want to first “get firmly on their feet,” and only then take their beloved to the registry office. He must be sure that he can provide both her and her future children with a decent existence. In such situations, there is reason to expect that the man will get married, but after he has solved all his financial problems.

Rights of a child born out of wedlock

The legal horrors of children from a common-law marriage are a myth. A child born outside of an official relationship has the same rights as in an official family. Property rights are realized as providing for any needs, receiving alimony, and ownership rights to donated things.

A child out of wedlock has the right to inherit from a man if he is recognized as the father. He has the right to claim a share provided there are no disputes. If there is a dispute, a trial is held and the issue is resolved within the framework of the lawsuit.

Legal provisions:

• An illegitimate child must be officially recognized by the father.
• Paternity must be established voluntarily, information included in the birth certificate. A man can give his children a surname.
• Children born out of wedlock have every right to a decent upbringing, life with loved ones, family, communication with parents, and expression of personal opinions.
• The father has the right to participate in education, upbringing, communication, and representation of interests.

If a man does not legally recognize the relationship, the child is registered under the mother's surname. In this case, he cannot inherit the property of his mother's cohabitant.