Can a man refuse a child? “Make me a child!”: seven reasons why a man refuses to have children. Husband wants to give up the child: what the law says

Why do “our” men easily abandon their children?

I grew up without a father.
At the age of six, I left with my mother for another city. She was tired of dealing with his alcoholism. And in all the years that we lived away from each other, he never called or wrote to me. I always felt that there was a lot of a man in me - a strong character, will, a strong voice, the ability to make quick decisions. But when I asked myself the question, could I do this, never see my child? My categorical answer was no. This means that there is still more feminine in me, that’s what I told myself.

As part of my work in a public international organization, I visit Turkey very often. I have many friends and colleagues there, yes, and I am quite familiar with life in Turkish families. Do you know what surprised me from the very beginning? The reverent and caring attitude of men towards their children. On weekends you will not meet a single woman in the square or in the park. Men walk with children. They spend a lot of free time in their surroundings. They read, play, get up at night when the wife is tired. But most importantly, in Turkey, men never abandon their children. And this is an irrefutable fact.

All Turkish women have two main dreams in life. Their master plan. First, get married. Secondly, give birth to a child. If this happened, then life was good. She no longer worries, she can relax and even not take care of herself. Because she knows that her husband will never leave her. Dot. In Turkey, divorce is almost never done until the children reach adulthood. And even then it is a rare case.

How do mothers raise their sons in Turkey? What magic recipe do they know? What do they tell their little boys as they grow up? I honestly don't know. But the fact is obvious - they educate better than ours. Because for us, leaving children and leaving the family is a common thing.

It’s good if material support allows you to compensate for moral injury (although there is also a question - will it compensate?) In our country they can disappear for the rest of their lives, just by sending alimony, and never appear again. Or they can disappear without them.

Why do our men abandon their children so easily? There is even a common opinion that the most important thing for a man is the woman he loves. Children are the second thing. A man will still leave for another if he loves, and no children will hold him back. And I personally know a huge number of such examples.

I've been puzzling over this question for many years. I have many of my own versions. For example: our man cannot live without truly loving. I fell out of love and left. Another option: everyone is meant to be happy - why should having children deprive a man and woman of the right to be happy? Third option: if there is no mutual understanding in the family, quarrels, scandals, etc., then perhaps it is more humane to save the child from suffering?

I haven't decided if I have found the right answer to this question. I can only say that the children are definitely not to blame for anything. And they shouldn’t suffer because adults make mistakes. If it is destined to separate, then it is up to the parents to do the maximum to ensure that the child continues to receive love, protection, care and affection from both parents. And before having children, spouses must be confident in their feelings and in their marriage.

Not because parents and relatives are in a hurry. And not because you can prove to your friends that you can give birth too. No. You must prove to your unborn child that you are definitely ready. That he can come without fear, without fear of being betrayed.

Our men have many virtues. They are smart, strong, not gossips (like many men in Turkey, by the way), they do everything seriously, they don’t panic in vain and inspire confidence that everything will be as it should; They can fight back and give up their lives if necessary.

The father abandoned the child

A man leaves a pregnant woman (they were not married), refusing to acknowledge the child. The child is born, the father is not interested in the child at all. He has never even seen him and doesn’t want to, doesn’t help in any way.

What should a woman do: forget and let go of this situation and continue living her life? Or seek justice through the court, and forcefully punish him with alimony and recognition of paternity? Or have a nice conversation?

There are many similar situations to this one. There are many different examples. One can talk endlessly about such an inhumane act. This is not what I want to talk about.

Here 's what it's about. I know HOW to help you figure out why this happened to you. And HOW to cut this Gordian knot. It all started when a woman whose father abandoned her child came to me for help. They weren't married, they only dated for about a year. And it is quite natural that the fruit of their intimate relationship was pregnancy.

At this most crucial moment, the child’s father declares that he does not need the child. As you understand, there are several reasons: I’m not ready; It’s too early for us to have children; I wanted it differently and other stupid excuses for my weakness, fear and irresponsibility.

The child's mother is panicking. Many questions immediately swirl in my head:

• What now? What should I do?
• keep the baby or have an abortion?
• how will I live now?
• Why am I suffering such a fate?
• and what will I tell my parents (friends, colleagues, neighbors, people)?
• What will I tell the child, who is his father?
• What if I'm going to be a single mother now?
• What will I live on?
• who will help raise the baby?
• WHAT will my baby and I have to go through???

further the questions that are brewing in the mother’s head. They really make the roof go crazy!

I will not give advice on HOW to act in such a situation . This is all purely personal. But to help you figure out WHY this happened to YOU. And for what kind of “sins” you have to sort this out - I can do that.

For the sake of “purity of the experiment,” I’m telling my story. I had a brother who died of cancer at 53. He was born with a cleft lip and cleft palate. I'll get by without going into details. A fact is a fact. In 1959, there were no ultrasounds or other diagnostics to somehow avoid such consequences. father wrote a note to the mother at the maternity hospital: “I don’t need a freak! And you are with him." You can only vaguely guess or imagine what my mother went through. Let's not dramatize.

Then a repetition of child abandonment occurred in our family. And again a life tragedy. And recently, this circumstance repeated itself again..... Plus, women began to address the same topic.

AND THEN I WOKE UP! I thought - WHAT IS HAPPENING?

Many people already know about my superpowers. I asked my Mentor: “What kind of Rock is this in my family? Show me."

M was not shown WHAT happened several “generations” ago. My great-great-great (etc.) grandfather abandoned the child he conceived IN LOVE!!!!!! He was of a rich class, and his beloved was of a poor class. A classic of the genre, you might say. Yes, I agree. But how long have we been accustomed to pain, suffering and tears? Yes, yes, we got used to it. And we take it as a GIVEN. Think about it.

The most common reasons for refusing paternity

The circumstances are not the same now

. Quite often, men explain their reluctance to have a child right now as a seemingly logical reason for the family’s financial insolvency. “I don’t have my own home,” “I don’t have the income needed for a family with a child,” “I haven’t made a career yet”—husbands very often give such arguments to their wives. And there seems to be nothing to complain about here.

After all, in order to raise a child, you really need more money than for two people. And some women agree with this and even begin to look for additional income themselves. But this doesn't always work. Indeed, in most cases, such an argument is just an excuse, behind which some kind of fear of a man is hidden.

Valery and Inna got married a year after they met.
But, another year later, the woman came to an appointment at the Center because she did not know how to continue talking with her husband about a pressing issue - children. Inna is 32 and four years older than her husband. “I have never hidden that I want a family and children. When Valera and I first met, I said this openly. I asked how he felt about children, and he said that it was good and not against their birth. But when we got married, for some reason everything changed. Inna started talking about children six months after the wedding.
But in response I heard from my husband: “It’s too early.” The reason was the lack of my own apartment. The newlyweds rented housing. - Further - it’s worse. Any attempt to talk about children ended in scandal. My husband no longer explained anything, but simply shouted at me, blaming me for everything. He said that I want children, but I don’t do anything for this: I earn little, I don’t think about the family budget. And he, you know, doesn’t want to “create poverty” and would never allow his children to grow up in poverty. I’m just shocked by this turn, I don’t know what to think. After all, he didn’t say anything like that before the wedding.

Thus, the topic of children in Inna’s family became a silent ban.
While working with the Center's psychologist, Inna said that Valery considered his childhood not entirely happy, since he and his parents often did not have enough money for the necessities. And often, in order to acquire some new thing, from the age of 14 he went with his father to a construction site as a laborer, earning money. And although Inna regarded the financial situation of their family as quite good and was ready to live with her husband and child at first, even in a rented apartment, Valery, in turn, was categorically against such a prospect. — When I asked him what should I do, because I’m already 32 years old and I really really want a child.
Not to mention the fact that age is running out. He said, “I don’t know.” And now I myself don’t know what to do. On the one hand, Inna’s situation is typical.
But, undoubtedly, the husband’s aggressive behavior raised many questions that also had to be dealt with. Unfortunately, Inna’s husband did not want to come for a consultation with a psychologist - neither joint nor individual. Inna also failed to break through his current negativity to the topic of children. Most likely, Valery really considered himself still very young to become a father, because he is 28 years old.
Also, most likely, he did not realize this before the wedding. But the topic of children also touched upon deeper problems in the family, such as the husband’s attitude towards his wife and his aggressiveness. After a series of conversations with a psychologist at the Center, Inna realized that she could not live with a person who completely ignored her desires, views and even refused to calmly discuss the problems that had arisen. Also, the process of psychological work revealed some of the client’s intrapersonal problems.

Including her inability to correlate her expectations with her partner’s plans, her tendency to unreasonably hope that everything will work out, her avoidance of any conflicts due to fear of aggression, and her ability not to take off her “rose-colored glasses” until the last moment. Inna thought that she was marrying a man who shared her views on marriage and family, although before the wedding there was not a single real discussion about their future life together.

And what she designated as “suddenly it turned out that he was not ready” actually had prerequisites and could have been clarified even during the courtship period. As a result, the young woman decided to divorce.

Not ready for such responsibility

. But the case described in the example does not always have to end in a break in the relationship. Often behind such excuses there is another reason: the man is simply not ready to take responsibility for the life and well-being of another person.

Some men can admit this openly. Others are afraid, because this will indicate their weakness and incompetence. In this case, again, it is important to understand: the named reason is real or is it also an excuse, behind which lies the fear of not being able to cope, of not living up to expectations.

If, nevertheless, a man is really not ready, then a woman should think about what readiness means to him: the already mentioned material state, psychological, spiritual? If a man cannot give a clear answer to these questions, this should be an alarm bell. He may never be ready at all.

The desire to live for your own pleasure and not change

. Perhaps this is exactly what is behind the phrase “I’m not ready”: “I’m not ready to change my habits, hobbies, daily routine.” After all, the birth of a child in a family is always accompanied by a change in the usual schedule, rhythm and lifestyle. It’s not often possible to get together with friends at a bar anymore, because you need to help a young mother with a child. On the weekend you won’t always be able to go fishing or go to barbecue with friends for the whole day. And because of the baby’s nighttime crying, you won’t be able to get enough sleep. If such reasons prompt a man to refuse fatherhood, then he really is not yet “ready.” He did not develop a vision of himself as a father and that he could also enjoy this.

He has a child from his first marriage

. And this can really seriously affect a man’s decision to have children in the future. After all, if in previous cases we are talking about alleged paternity, then in this case we are talking about an already accomplished fact. Having experienced fatherhood in a previous union, a man may not want another child for a number of reasons.

Perhaps due to the appearance of a new family member, his relationship with his former wife went wrong, who stopped paying attention to her husband. Or because of who will look after the baby, frequent quarrels began to arise in the family. Or maybe, from the husband’s point of view, the wife has neglected herself, began to look worse, and for him this is also connected with the appearance of a small child in the family.

Husband abandoned child: “single mother” is not a death sentence

Demographers are sounding the alarm: in Russia there are more than 10 million single mothers who are raising children without the support of their husbands. What should women do who find themselves in a difficult life situation and must independently take care of the material well-being of the child?

If your husband refuses to raise the children and help them financially, this does not mean that you cannot cope alone. It is difficult to survive the loss of support, but you need to gather strength. From now on, you will have to take care of your children twice as much - for yourself, and for the child’s father, in order to give them the best.

The first thing you need to do is register a new social status - single mother. This will give you the right to receive certain benefits, as well as alimony. If the father does not agree to voluntarily give money for the maintenance of the child, then it can be recovered through the court - this is provided for by law.

Don’t be proud and don’t think that you don’t need anything else from this person: take care of the child first - he needs this money. Study the legislation on alimony or seek advice from a lawyer.

Responsibilities of a father to his child by law

If the husband has stopped communicating with the child and does not participate in the costs of his maintenance, this does not indicate a waiver of parental rights. Your task is to collect evidence that in reality children are raised without the participation of their father. If there is evidence, then you can easily obtain payment of alimony through the court. Your main tool is Article 71 of the Family Code (deprivation of parental rights).

Article 71. Consequences of deprivation of parental rights

1. Parents deprived of parental rights lose all rights based on the fact of relationship with the child in respect of whom they were deprived of parental rights, including the right to receive maintenance from him (Article 87 of this Code), as well as the right to benefits and state benefits established for citizens with children.
2. Deprivation of parental rights does not relieve parents from the obligation to support their child.
3. The issue of further cohabitation of a child and parents (one of them), deprived of parental rights, is decided by the court in the manner established by housing legislation.
4. A child in respect of whom the parents (one of them) are deprived of parental rights retains the right of ownership of residential premises or the right to use residential premises, and also retains property rights based on the fact of kinship with parents and other relatives, including the right to receive an inheritance .
5. If it is impossible to transfer the child to another parent or in the event of deprivation of parental rights of both parents, the child is transferred to the care of the guardianship and trusteeship authority.
6. Adoption of a child in the event of deprivation of parents (one of them) of parental rights is permitted no earlier than the expiration of six months from the date of the court decision on deprivation of parents (one of them) of parental rights.

Child support is calculated depending on the income of the child's father. The more he earns, the more money the child will receive. You can learn more about the rules for calculating the amount of alimony in Article 81 of the Family Code. It states that:

• in the case of an only child, the father is charged 25% of his income;
• for two children they charge one third of the income;
• for three or more – 50%.

The size of these shares may be reduced or increased by the court, taking into account the financial or family status of the parties and other noteworthy circumstances.

Calculation of alimony is possible only from the official income of the father. If he receives most of his salary illegally (“in an envelope”), then it will not be possible to calculate the percentage of hidden income.

How to tell your child that dad left?

Raising a child in a single-parent family is difficult. Both mother and child experience difficulties. From an early age, children see the wrong family model, and this cannot but affect their subconscious. This is fraught with mistakes in forming your own family in the future. Also try not to speak badly about his father in front of your child - either only good things or nothing.

Many women come up with versions that dad died. Psychologists do not recommend talking to a child about his father in this way. It’s better to come up with an unusual profession that explains the absence of dad around. Perhaps the father flew into space or went on a long-distance expedition. Use your imagination to reduce trauma for your child at an early age.

What is behind men's refusals?

It is worth noting that any of these problems can be resolved if the cause is genuine. But, as already mentioned, these can also be excuses that can simply flow into one another. In this case, it is already worth talking about the existence of deeper reasons for failures. And, as a rule, they are based on various fears:

• lack of confidence in yourself and your abilities
• own not very happy childhood
• psychological infantilism
• fear of not being able to cope with the situation and not looking so strong
• fear of competition in the family and fear of losing the attention of the spouse

By the way, there is another reason that a man is unlikely to ever say out loud - this is his reluctance to have children with you. Perhaps he is not confident in the strength and reliability of your relationship. This can manifest itself in frequent conflicts that result from too different views on life. In this case, excuses from the previous paragraphs may also be used. But if he nevertheless voices just such a reason, then the woman should think about whether she should stay with such a man at all.

The child has not yet been born, but the husband is already refusing him - what to do?

Do not rush to make hasty decisions and terminate the pregnancy. Remember that inside you have a new life, your little blood, and your Great mission to give birth and raise this person. A father's abandonment of a child does not mean that you cannot raise him on your own.

If a man has left you and you are in a position, then, if possible, seek help from a psychologist. You can also find support from loved ones, relatives or friends. They will help you in difficult times, support and comfort you.

Try to avoid communicating with those people who are negative towards your pregnancy and the whole situation as a whole, who constantly repeat “I told you so...”, “You should have listened to me...”, etc. Such words will definitely not bring any benefit, and will only further aggravate your psychological state. Now the only person you can rely on is you.

What should children do?

As children get older, they must decide for themselves whether to start communicating with their father or not. It is important to understand what this communication is for: to pour out all the pain or simply to find a good person with whom you can develop strong friendships. If the father has a hard time making contact, he needs to be forgiven, understood and let go. For him, at one time it was just as painful and difficult, and he let it go, now it’s up to you.

Tips from the editor:

Whatever they say about the relationship between fathers and children, one thing is clear - if a man loved a woman, he will love her children. He will be able to overcome all obstacles with his ex-wife and maintain relationships with his children. Therefore, it is very important to choose as your husband or wife the person your heart has chosen, and his or her heart has chosen you. Happy children are born in happy families, and then the question of whether or not they love children will no longer arise, everything will be clear at once.

The question of children sooner or later arises in any family. And if some spouses do not have problems because of this, for others it becomes a reason for serious disagreements or even divorce. As practice shows, in most cases the birth of a child in a family is “sabotaged” by men.

They can give many reasons why they do not want to join the family, but not all of them will be true.

What happens on a spiritual level when a person abandons a child (abortion is the same abandonment)

You have made your CHOICE. They abandoned the child, they abandoned the SOUL.

1. And immediately at the moment of choice, you created a DEBT for yourself . This means only one thing - you or you will be owed this entire and subsequent incarnations. This means that throughout your life life circumstances will arise in which you will owe someone and you. And it's not just about money. In general, about all areas of life. You will be haunted by this feeling - the feeling of DEBT. And there is nothing you can do to “corrode” it from the inside.
2. In the free flows of energies of your Kind, a so-called “kink” arises. After all, there was a violation of the UNSHAKEABLE Laws of the Universe. And here a great scope of life circumstances for redemption is already formed . From deprivation of childbirth to the most terrible life catastrophes of the family.
3. You or your descendants will consciously and planned come to your family to atone for your choice or the choice made by your ancestors - Refusal of the Soul. And it is they who will be DOOMED to redemption. Those. Very strong in Spirit people will come in order to redeem, correct the perfect choice of YOU or your ancestor. And DEFINITELY DO NOT EXPECT a prosperous fate and manna from heaven. Everything in life will be HARD for them.
4. Know that from now on (from the moment you choose to abandon your child), your family is FORCED to correct the “break” that has formed. Forget about joy, prosperity, gratitude and good destiny. From now on this is NOT given to you. You made your own choice.

Man with child

why did you attack her?
The aunt and the man met, they mutually decided to have a child, when it came down to it, he merged. What does she have to do with it? It feels like there are rats and snakes on the forum. My advice to the author - if you can bear two children alone - give birth, no - go to the hospital before it’s too late and why did you attack her? The aunt and the man met, they mutually decided to have a child, when it came down to it, he merged. What does she have to do with it? It feels like there are rats and snakes on the forum. My advice to the author is if you manage to bear two children alone, give birth, no, go to the hospital before it’s too late