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Now I won’t let my husband’s relatives visit... I’m running out of patience...
“We’re already tired of your visits, worse than bitter radishes,” I shouted into the phone, “you don’t need to come to us anymore, and we don’t need your gifts.”
They hung up on the other end of the line. My husband nodded approvingly, and I burst into tears.
My husband's parents live in the region, in an urban village that looks like a small provincial town. We are separated by 350 km, which is about a five-hour drive by car.
Previously, we only called each other
This is probably why our relationship could be called good. But as soon as we got our own apartment, relatives began to regularly come to visit us. We brought gifts for our three-year-old son and filled the refrigerator with food.
“How we miss you,” my mother-in-law, Zinaida Matveevna, began from the threshold, “as if we hadn’t seen you for a whole year.”
Nearby, my two-meter-tall father-in-law, Pyotr Sergeevich, was smiling through his mustache, and my husband’s younger brother, sixteen-year-old Nikita, was peeking out from behind him. The three of them always came together.
“Where is our heir,” the head of the family boomed in a bass voice.
“How cool it is in your city,” my husband’s brother developed his theme.
And when they burst into our tiny one-room apartment, we began to feel like sardines in a barrel.
We didn’t know why they came every two weeks.
Having had a snack from the road, they began some kind of incomprehensible movement. My husband’s relatives either left or came, bringing some packages and bags with purchases, which quickly began to fill our already cramped apartment.
They didn't come for one day
Relatives visited from Friday to Sunday. Our weekends twice a month turned into something indescribable. But we also have a three-year-old child.
But the most unpleasant thing began in the evening. The mother-in-law was busy at the stove, and the father-in-law and brother-in-law began to celebrate their arrival, involving my husband in this event. This happened on Friday. On Saturday we celebrated our departure.
By the end of their visit, shopping bags had already taken up all the available space.
- Dad, what are you all buying there? – my husband asked my father-in-law. - How do you load all this into the car?
“It’s all right, son,” Pyotr Sergeevich winked, “let’s shove it in.”
But the hardest part of the day was the night
We dismantled the table and took it, along with the chairs, out onto the balcony, making room for our beloved relatives to spend the night. They fell asleep instantly, but this did not bring us the long-awaited peace. They were all snoring. Pyotr Sergeevich played roulades in a bass voice, his mother-in-law echoed him a little more subtly, and Nikita, as the youngest, subtly “grunted” to the beat. In general, it was still that concert.
Going to the toilet at night was an almost impossible task. It was like walking through a minefield, carefully choosing a place where you could put your foot without stepping on someone’s stomach.
And so on Sunday evening they left
After seeing them off, my husband and I looked blankly at each other, unable to utter a word.
I love the silence after guests leave. The chairs are pushed together, the pillows are scattered - everything indicates that people had a good time. But you return to an empty room, and it’s always nice that it’s all over, that you can relax and say: here we are, alone again.
Daphne du Maurier. My cousin Rachel
– How long will this last? – I asked my husband, “don’t they understand that we won’t be able to stand it for so long?” Is it difficult for them to rent a hotel for these two or three days? After all, what they do is impudence. I am ready to host them for a couple of hours, but no more. I just want a normal weekend.
The husband shrugged his shoulders and promised to talk to his relatives. I don’t know whether this conversation took place, but most likely the husband’s love for his parents won.
Because two weeks later the phone rang
“Nastenka, we are going to visit you,” I heard Zinaida Matveevna’s voice on the phone, “what kind of honey should I bring you—linden or buckwheat?”
“We’re already tired of your visits, worse than bitter radishes,” I shouted into the phone, “you don’t need to come to us anymore, and we don’t need your gifts.”
They hung up on the other end of the line. My husband nodded approvingly, and I burst into tears. Having calmed down, I decided that from now on I would love my husband’s relatives from a distance. Now I won’t let my husband’s relatives visit...
Recorded from the words of Anastasia R.
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Elementary laws of genetics
Charles Darwin was the first to think about issues of heredity. He was married to his cousin Emma Wedgwood. The couple had 10 children. Three babies died in early childhood, others were in very poor health. Darwin had a hard time with each death and illness of his son. He suspected that the reason for the poor health of almost all the children was his relationship with his wife. Later, these thoughts were reflected in the scientist’s works.
Cleopatra and her brothers
Much time has passed since then, and genetics has advanced far in its development. Now geneticists know for sure that each of us has dominant and recessive genes. In relatives, these genes are very similar, which gives a huge chance of getting unhealthy offspring when crossing. And the most dangerous genes are not so much dominant as recessive genes. These are hidden, seemingly dormant signs of one quality or another (not only eye color or leg length, but also various hereditary diseases).
See also: Which women are taking over English football
The more different sets of genes are crossed - which is only possible in unrelated marriages - the less likely a child is to get a hereditary disease that is “encoded” in a recessive gene of one of the parents. And vice versa: the closer the relationship between husband and wife, the higher the chances of stillbirth, miscarriage, or the birth of a baby with a mental or physical deformity.
Husband's sister: who is his wife and children related to?
When a woman gets married, in addition to her husband, she also acquires new relatives in the person of sisters, brothers, father and mother, nephews, grandfathers and grandmothers of her husband. You have to establish relationships with them and establish contacts, if this did not happen before registering the marriage. They develop differently for everyone: some are happily accepted into the fold of a new family, while others are kept at a distance, not showing particularly warm feelings. Why is this happening? In a specific situation - your answer. Especially often misunderstandings arise between female relatives, as in the case of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. It often happens that another relative, the husband’s sister, also dislikes her spouse. How she is related to her wife, who her children are related to - later in the article.
Relatives and step-relatives
The kinship-family hierarchy consists of three groups of kinship ties. They have the following names: consanguineous ties (kinship by blood, immediate close relatives), kinship by marriage (in-laws) and unrelated ties. Blood relatives are mother, father, brothers, sisters (siblings, cousins, their children), grandmothers, grandfathers. Relatives by marriage are relatives of the husband or wife. These are brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, mothers-in-law, fathers-in-law, brothers-in-law, brothers-in-law and so on.
Husband's sister: who is the wife related to?
In this complex interweaving of branches of the family tree, each relative has a different name in relation to another member of the family clan. For example, my husband's sister. Who is she related to her brother's wife? According to the terminology of family relationships, her husband's sister is her sister-in-law. Moreover, this relationship is not blood, but acquired as a result of marriage. In fact, these 2 women are relatives as long as the husband and wife remain spouses. The termination of a marriage entails the termination of family ties through this marriage. In the next marriage, new family ties are formed within these marital relationships, including between the relatives of the husband and wife.
Husband's sister, sister's husband, husband's sister's children
If a husband's sister is a sister-in-law to his wife, then who is the sister's husband? A sister's husband is a son-in-law in relation to her blood relatives (father, mother, sisters, brothers). A family is created in order to produce children and continue the family line. Babies are wonderful and are loved regardless of their relationship status. Husband's sister - how is she related to her brother's children? She is their aunt. Accordingly, her future or real children will be nephews to her brother (related by blood), and for the wife, the children of her husband’s sister will also be nephews, but related by marriage.
Informal relationships
It often happens that a husband's sister does not accept her brother's wife. This mainly happens due to jealousy on the part of both the sister-in-law and the daughter-in-law (the brother's wife for his sister). In fact, two women cannot share one man, not wanting to give each other control over his life and feelings. The sister-in-law believes that his wife is alienating her brother from her, but for him she is the dearest person in the world. And the brother’s wife does not want her to interfere in the life of the new family, out of habit continuing to control her brother’s every action.
Legal basis
In Russian legislation, neither a stepfather nor a stepmother can have personal rights and obligations. They will have such when they adopt their stepsons and stepdaughters. Only if they become adoptive parents do they have full rights.
Biological parents, no matter where they are, retain their rights and responsibilities towards their own children, even if they do not live with them or raise them. Exceptions are cases when one of the parents is deprived of parental rights or otherwise has limited rights in relation to their child.
Biological kinship, which in the Family Code of the Russian Federation is simply called “kinship,” provides for a legal connection in the following cases:
- upon adoption of the testator;
- upon adoption of the testator's son or daughter;
- upon marriage with the testator;
- when the recipient is a dependent (under certain conditions);
- in other cases, when there is some quality between the testator and the recipient of the inheritance, which is stipulated in the RF IC or another law of the Russian Federation.
The Civil Code of the Russian Federation defines who has the right of inheritance:
- persons who are alive when the inheritance opens;
- were conceived during the life of the testator;
When included in the list of heirs, a notary is guided, among other things, by the principle of priority.
Husband's relatives
Good night, I can’t stand it anymore, I decided to ask for help here... In short, my husband’s relatives are already sick of me. I just want to leave everything and go somewhere far away... and now, in order... Almost 2 years ago I moved in with my husband (at that time future), his mother really insisted that we live together, so that he would not travel back and forth from his city to me. So it turned out that we started living in one of his parents’ apartments (by the way, they live in an apartment against). At first, everything seemed to be calm, I maintained relations with his relatives (parents, uncle, aunt, brother, cousins), but on New Year’s Eve one incident occurred. His parents wanted us to celebrate New Year's Eve together at their place. I was against it, because... I wanted to be alone with my beloved man. Gritting my teeth, I had to follow the lead and spend the entire holiday with his parents. Then a fun life began... There is no specific moment, but his mother began to look askance at me and spoke unpleasantly. In the end, when we were visiting them, his mother, having drunk a little, offended me so much that I freaked out, got up and left. My beloved supported and intervened, but the resentment remained inside me for a long time. Next, we decided to legalize the relationship and started talking about the wedding. Everything was calm on the part of my parents. “Tell me how much money you need, we’ll give it, help you organize it, etc.” On the part of his parents, it went and went, “Why do you need a wedding, it’s too early. We won’t give you money. You need to get married when both are confidently standing on their feet.” (by the way, we both worked, yes, it wasn’t always enough, but we learned to manage money wisely) As a result, my parents came to sort things out with his parents. We decided to postpone the wedding a few months. After these few months, the situation repeated itself. My parents said, “It’s up to you, either follow the lead, or get married/sign and don’t pay attention.” We rescheduled it again. Then there was a difficult period, I left work and sat at home for some time. To which his mother said that there would be no wedding until I find a job. And so, 1.5 years after I moved, we finally got married... But it turns out that it didn’t end there. I thought that at least after the wedding they would leave us alone and let us live our lives, but that was not the case... His dad takes the position that we should be a big and friendly family. His mother mentioned that there can be many wives, but only one mother and family. If there is some kind of holiday, then we must go and be there, otherwise they will be offended at us. If his brother and his girlfriend want to spend time with us, then please drop everything and go for a walk/talk with them. But I’m not interested... When we’re with his relatives, I withdraw into myself, I feel like a stranger. For me, “sit and drink beer” is not normal, not interesting. Accordingly, I am always against this. They are offended that I am “unsociable,” but I can’t tell them to their faces that they are not on my level, not the contingent with whom I am pleasant and interested? I understand that relatives and parents are not chosen, but why should I live their life? I married one husband, but it turns out that I married all his relatives... We talked with my husband, I made it clear (repeatedly) that the family is WE, and everyone else should step aside at least a little. I don’t demand complete alienation... I just don’t have enough personal time and space. I just got hysterical, I miss my husband. I want to spend time with him alone, but he is constantly being pulled somewhere. What should I do? I’m already tired of all this, I just can’t breathe... Sometimes I don’t even open the door because I’m disgusted with this “camp”.
Author's addition from 06/12/12 03:06:14
You say to be kinder, etc., that I am an ungrateful daughter-in-law... Why should I be grateful? The fact that every time we are reproached for living in an apartment belonging to his father, but against the fact that our beloved son moved to my city (fortunately, there is a regional center and living space), or rented an apartment (there was a conversation, they see were offended). You wrote “to be independent”, but in what ways are we not independent? We paid for the wedding ourselves, we live on our own money, we don’t sit on anyone’s neck. Is OUR family's personal life too much? In my opinion, either I did not fully illuminate the whole problem, or you misunderstood me. His mother demands a lot of attention from herself, her brother and others. Either go fix the socket, then help one or the other, or just come in and chat because... I’m bored... In my opinion, it’s not normal for a mother-in-law to constantly intrude into the life of a young family. And she doesn’t want to understand that she needs to step aside.
Author's addition from 06/12/12 03:09:49
And I’ll also add... regarding the “contingent”: The husband is different from them. He doesn’t drink, he’s not a fan of speaking out “strongly” and “laughing” at stupid jokes. In my family (where I was born) and in the present one (with my husband), it is not customary to yell at each other, “curse”, etc.
Author's addition from 06/12/12 12:07:07
Good morning. Lydia, 1) I am a rather gentle person by nature, I cannot be rude, very often I cannot say “no”. For those around me, be it at work, at a party, etc., I prefer restraint, perhaps even trying to please in some way. But when what accumulates in the soul has already reached a certain limit, then either one simply gives up, or quarrels begin about or without reason with the husband (I know that this is wrong, but I begin to find fault with little things, my negativity looks for a way out and finds only in close person) You see, the mother-in-law sometimes says nasty things, then makes excuses later, saying “I love you all.” But I can’t accumulate emotions in myself forever... I don’t know where to put them, I can’t and don’t want to quarrel with her openly. She explained to her husband that perhaps this is how jealousy manifests itself. She asked him to answer calls at least once in a while, or to go see her. It’s impossible, after all, every day wants attention, every day takes up quite a lot of time, despite the fact that we may have some plans of our own... I probably can’t describe everything that happened... there’s just a lot of it in our life. And now, I’m about to leave work, I understand that questions will begin: “Why doesn’t she go to work, why can’t you hear the door opening and closing (and I’m not slandering this, these are the exact expressions that were repeatedly expressed to my husband in my absence) “I’m tired of her, of the constant control of our lives, of the fact that my husband is torn between us (he also can’t run back and forth all the time). I tried to delve into myself and look for the reason for such dislike for her... maybe I’m just bored for my own parents and, not being able to see them often, this is how I react to my mother-in-law and her excessive care. And the last straw was this... We were getting ready to go on vacation, hadn’t yet decided where to go, and my mother-in-law replied, “We’ll all go together”... well, I don’t want to do that... I, too, as a child, went somewhere with my parents every summer, but that was in childhood . 2) Work gets in the way. It’s easier for me to find there, I have friends and a specialty in the arts. And he has a working specialty. My dad offered to help with work, but my husband doesn’t want to (in his family, dad claims that a man should achieve everything in life himself, without the help of anyone). Plus, the husband wants to feel like the owner of the house, but he is not comfortable “on my territory” (here there is 1 room and we are alone, and there there are 4 people, but with my grandmother). My parents offered to move in with them, but this is not an option, because... My brother and his wife live with them. Those. Of course, it would be more pleasant for me to live in my own city, but I also need to take into account my husband’s opinion, I don’t want to put him in a situation like I have now. And lastly...his mom will be offended. When they wanted to rent, there was a quarrel, the answer was that there was somewhere to live, etc. As a result, they remained (and even made repairs)
3) No, not always. When I get emotional, at first I don’t perceive anyone, after I’ve cooled down a little, I think about everything that was said and draw my own conclusions. My opinion does not remain categorical, it naturally changes, but after some time.
Goal: hear options for solutions to my situation. Of course, if I fundamentally disagree with an expert, I will write, but no “cons” or other stupid actions. Everyone has their own opinion. How can I painlessly “tear” my husband away from my mother (or my mother from her husband)? Something else scares me... she has an older son (27 years old), so she takes care of him just as obsessively... I'm afraid that this could continue until he's 40, or even longer. How can I make it clear that a husband and wife are a family, their own little world... (her words that there can be many wives, but mother (family) is very hurt) You see, I don’t want to swear, I don’t want to make a scandal... Of course it’s easier for me keep silent and convey it through your husband, because... he still knows mom better. But I also think it’s wrong to let parents into some personal space (questions like: when will there be children, why not yet (down to how they should be done, on what days, etc.... sorry for such details). Why my husband it’s so late, no, where did he go, when will he return. how with work, where do you spend money and all kinds of advice “how best to do it”)
Author's addition from 06/12/12 12:27:20
Egorova Lyudmila Zakharovna, I did not show any negativity towards his family. Yes, it was unpleasant to celebrate the holiday not the way I wanted, not with those with whom it was planned, but I still know how to behave somewhere. A lot of things affected me that day. From obsessive attempts to pour me alcohol (which I don’t like and don’t drink), and when I refused, they looked at me as strange... to drunken conversations about how I was too stubborn, capricious, too demanding of her son, and much more. She was brought to tears, then for some time they did not communicate at all, her husband also did not come to her. Incl. Because of “gritting my teeth” there could not have been such a further reaction, I think. As for quarrels: I don’t put my husband in such an aggressive mood. I can talk, explain, convey what I would like. I don’t forbid communicating with any of his relatives, but I ask you to limit this communication. He doesn’t mind, but he’s under pressure from his parents. He rushes from me to my mother, so as not to offend any of us. But this is wrong, it seems to me. In the first place should be his own family, wife, future children, but it turns out that he is neither there nor there. As for being categorical, I draw conclusions after talking with people. In the family where I grew up, upbringing, education, intelligence, etc. these are undeniable values. In his family, the main thing is work. Hence the categoricalness... The parents did not give 1 of their 2 sons an education, the father let them go on “independent sailing” and does not participate in their lives, all this is compensated by the mother’s care (I repeat, excessive). So it turns out that having created a family, we also have to educate our husband, because... He does not intend to work in a mine all his life. Yes, we have different upbringings, different views on it, but I don’t treat them as “second-class”. I make it clear that I am not interested in sitting and drinking beer, rubbing bones with my neighbors. I’m interested in my man, we have something to talk about in private, but this time is sorely lacking. I want personal time and space for our family. Yes, I don’t mind going and congratulating my relatives on the holidays, but we can also have our own plans for this or that day, or am I wrong in wanting to isolate my family from others to some extent?
Close relatives according to the family code: features of legislation
Family law of the Russian Federation defines it as the presence of an ascending or descending direct direction (parent and child, adopted children, grandchild, grandparents, and blood ties with one of the child’s parents are required). There are also different types of consanguinity:
- One generation (for example, brother and sister).
- Adjacent generation (for example, parent and child).
- A generation later (for example, grandfather and grandson).
There are blood relationships between brother and sister, these include:
- Full kinship (this type implies common parents).
- Not full-blood relationship (this type means that the family only has a common mother or a common father).
The Housing Code includes not only close relatives in accordance with the IC, but also spouses. The main reason for classifying all these people as family members is their cohabitation. Tax Code Tax legislation is consistent with family law and does not include husband and wife as close relatives.
At the same time, the Tax Code in its text uses not only this category, but also the term “family members”. This document fixes the rules that profits received as a result of transactions carried out between close relatives cannot be taxed, as well as income received as a gift between these people. Conclusions Thus, even in the legislation there is no consensus on the definition of the circle of persons included in close relatives.
However, according to family law, marriage is the basis for a special kind of legal relationship, which excludes the possibility of considering a husband and wife as in-laws. Questions and answers Natalya, 34 years old: Is it possible to marry someone in-law? Answer: According to current legislation, marriage with a relative up to the fourth line is impossible. Oleg, 25 years old: What relatives of my wife are related to me? Answer: In-laws include all the wife’s relatives who are related to her by blood. Among them: the wife's parents, brothers, sisters, the wife's grandparents, children from the wife's previous marriage, uncles and aunts, etc. Irina, 30 years old: In what legal act can you find the definition of in-laws? Answer: In the current legislation of the Russian Federation there is no specific definition of the concept of in-law.
Owner: who is this? Usually in colloquial speech, in everyday life, we understand the words “brother-in-law” or “in-law” as a relative of the wife/husband. That is, this person is not a blood relative to us, but by virtue of marriage he is a member of our family. In jurisprudence, a relative is none other than the relatives of one of the spouses for the other spouse.
This definition is based on the concept of “property”, which is enshrined in family law as “the relationship between the relatives of each spouse.” Thus, property relations arise as a result of marriage. According to Letter of the Ministry of Finance of the Russian Federation dated June 6, 2013 N 03-04-05/20968, not only those relations that arise between the spouse and the relatives of the second spouse, but also the relations directly between the relatives of the spouses themselves can be classified as characteristic.
- The presence of inherent kinship is important. This form of family union involves relationships on a contractual basis. Moreover, this type of relationship is registered on a legislative basis. That is why consanguinity is excluded.
- The presence of inherent connections is observed between the following persons:
- Husband and wife.
- Father-in-law and mother-in-law, mother-in-law and father-in-law.
- Son-in-law and daughter-in-law.
- Stepmother and stepfather.
The main legal relationships that constitute Family Law:
- Spouses have options and obligations regulated by federal law (for example, Criminal Law allows not to testify against a spouse).
- When distributing inherited property, the spouse is not a close relative.
If there is a will, the spouse cannot claim ownership.
Which relatives are considered close
Close relatives are ancestors and descendants along a vertical/horizontal line. Ancestors are considered to be people who precede by blood relationship, that is, parents in relation to their children. Children of blood parents are recognized as descendants.
However, there are exceptions in the law. The lack of blood relationship between the adoptive parents still makes them relatives. This also applies to legal spouses. They are recognized as such after marriage registration. Whereas there is no blood relationship between these persons.
If a man and woman live in a civil marriage, then they are not recognized as relatives. Such persons do not have the right to inherit. An exception may be the presence of a will. The testator has the right to dispose of personal property at his own discretion.
