How can a woman improve her personal life after divorce?

It is simply impossible to prohibit loving a “third person” if you have failed to create comfort in your family. The most brutal administrative measures are powerless here.
Treason is a destructive element.

Let's take the most common situation: a woman lacks male attention. Next to her husband, she does not feel beautiful, desired, she forgets that she is capable of being liked, of awakening love and passion. And suddenly she meets a man who, unlike her husband, notices everything. For example, the fact that she still has a very good figure, girlish eyebrows, fluffy hair of a stunning color. In short, she will begin to be drawn to the “connoisseur”. A sort of “short decline” occurs. An affair and betrayal of your husband are quite possible here. But as soon as a woman understands her feelings and, most importantly, the reason why she cheated on her husband, she often tries to break up with both her husband and her lover. After all, betrayal, whatever one may say, destroys personality. Living in a state of duality is very difficult. This is extreme stress. And it is based on a strong feeling of guilt before her husband. And also - disappointment in oneself, especially if the woman is an integral person who is used to respecting herself. She is disgusted by the knowledge that she is capable of an unseemly act. Treason falls out of the scale of values by which she is accustomed to evaluate her actions, thoughts, and feelings. It is for the sake of preserving herself as an individual that such a woman is ready to break off relations with both men.

My husband beat me, what should I do?

In case of beating by her husband, the wife has every right to go to the police station for her protection. In this case, the aggressor is taken away at the police station, to keep the woman calm, but for a certain time.

If, nevertheless, there is a fact of beating, even to the mildest degree, it is necessary to urgently seek medical help at the hospital where the fact of beating is recorded, undergo a forensic medical examination on this fact, and at the police station, seek the fact of initiation of a criminal case.

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Should you divorce your husband if he cheats?

Often one of the reasons for starting divorce proceedings is the husband's infidelity. Many women perceive it as a personal insult, an encroachment on their property. It hurts their pride. Therefore, many are not able to forgive her. The overall result is a complete breakdown of such relationships.

According to psychologists, this issue is worth understanding for both. The problem usually does not arise out of nowhere. You need to sit down at the negotiating table and discuss everything with the cheater. But whether it’s worth divorcing your husband because of this or not, you should decide after the conversation is over.

This approach will help you find out the main reason why your spouse decided to take this action. For example, there are often situations when a woman did not devote much time to him due to circumstances. She was completely immersed in work, passionate about self-education or raising children. Sex once a week suited her just fine. The husband fundamentally disagreed with this order of things. He wanted greater and more frequent intimacy with his wife. And if his proposals often gave her “a headache” or she referred to unusual fatigue, willy-nilly he was forced to think about cheating.

Divorce! Behind! Against! Why…

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Is divorce always the only way out of a crisis situation?

Are there ways to save the family?

Why is it necessary and not necessary to get a divorce?

These and many other questions often have to be answered by clients in family counseling.

Of course, each individual couple has their own decisions, and it is necessary to take into account many factors that influence the decision to live or not to continue living together.

An individual specialist, when working with a couple who are thinking about divorce or are already in the process, relies on the modality in which he works. But if we consider the need for divorce on a global scale, then the family is always worth fighting for, especially if there are children in the family.

The exception, in my understanding, is physical and/or mental violence in the family towards any of its members or chemical dependence (drugs, alcohol, etc.). In such situations, you should act firmly and immediately: “Either you turn to the appropriate specialists for help, or we’ll get a divorce.”

There is no point in waiting for your partner to change. And after the divorce, I recommend that you undergo a personal analysis of about fifty hours, so that you don’t end up in the same relationship next time.

And now about the fact of divorce. What is this and why does this happen.

The word divorce is understood as a severance of marital relations from the point of view of law, economics and psychological interaction. Regardless of whether both partners agreed to the divorce, or one of them continues to fight, divorce carries with it a very strong trauma, which is accompanied by long-term and painful experiences for all family members, including the partner's parents and close people. Even after a long period of time after a divorce, psychological trauma persists, manifesting itself as “anniversary syndrome,” as well as blockages that prevent the building of new relationships.

Factors contributing to the increase in the number of divorces most often include:

initially inadequate motivation for one or both partners to enter into marriage;

a marriage concluded for the benefit of other persons (usually some kind of agreement between parents or other close significant people);

economic independence, and often a more successful career for a woman;
lack of moral aspects to preserve a marriage (reduced religious, national, social requirements).

The motive for divorce is most often the impossibility of satisfying the needs and desires of both the couple and each of the spouses separately in an existing marriage. Inability of one or both spouses to compromise, lack of responsibility to children for previously made personal decisions. Unrealistic, and often completely far from reality dreams.

Psychological reasons leading to divorce or increasing its likelihood include:

repetition of family scenarios;
lack of external boundaries (constant interference in her functioning by parents);
disappointment both in the marriage itself and in post-marital relationships with a partner;
reluctance to change oneself, to take on new functions and responsibilities;
late or early age of marriage;
big difference in social/educational status;
desire for power in the family;
frequent absence of one or both spouses from home (tours, business trips);
infertility of one of the spouses;
“stimulated” marriages (premarital pregnancy);
mental, physical development or lack thereof in one of the spouses;
sexual dissatisfaction.

Divorce is not a split-second decision, according to A. Macloy’s model, it includes seven stages.

Emotional divorce is the destruction of the illusions of married life, dissatisfaction with relationships, alienation, fear and hopelessness, jealousy and the need for total control. Or complete coldness in relationships, the desire to avoid problems, lack of emotional contacts, the need to make a decision is accompanied by pain, anger, entails rash actions, involving loved ones and relatives to resolve conflicts.
Economic divorce - division of the family budget, separate management of the household.
Legal divorce is the formalization of a break at the legal level, which entails the involvement of third parties. During legal disputes, one of the partners may experience self-pity, helplessness, and the other may feel despair and anger at having been used.
Distribution of parental responsibilities , fight for the right to custody, the main tasks of this stage are the creation of new child-parent relationships.
Restoring balance after divorce , overcoming loneliness, ambivalent feelings: indecisiveness, optimism, regret, sadness, curiosity, excitement, joy, sadness, etc. .
Finding new friends, new types of activities, creating a new lifestyle.
Psychological divorce at the emotional level is acceptance of the fact of the absence of a relationship, stabilization of the emotional state, and processing of negative feelings associated with divorce. Cognitive-behavioral - choice of new actions, self-confidence, feelings of independence and autonomy, search for new objects for love, readiness to build new relationships .

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Stages of divorce according to a modification of the model of experiencing loss, proposed by E. Kübler-Pocc (Kübler-Pocc E., 2001).

Stage of denial. At first, the reality of what is happening is denied. At this stage, the work of protective mechanisms is activated: rationalization - “sooner or later it all would have happened anyway”, devaluation - “the marriage was terrible”, denial “nothing like that happened” oc".
Aggression stage. At this stage, a feeling of anger towards the partner arises. The abandoned partner experiences a state of frustration caused by the collapse of his plans and hopes. It is possible to manipulate children, trying to turn them against the other parent.
Negotiation stage. Attempts are being made to restore the marriage. Spouses use various manipulations in relation to each other, resort to pressure on their partner from others.
Stage of depression. When denial, aggressiveness and negotiations do not bring any results, a depressed mood sets in.
Acceptance stage. Acceptance of the fact of divorce, adaptation to changed living conditions. Children also need support and adaptation.

Children are a separate topic for conversation about divorce. The child’s reaction to divorce directly depends on his age, it will be different, but it will definitely be there. Don’t think that a one-year-old baby doesn’t understand what’s going on in the house. Yes, he doesn’t know what it’s called, but what happens doesn’t go unnoticed by him.

Divorce has the most traumatic impact on preschool and teenage children. At the age of 3.5-6 years, a child is not able to adequately understand what is happening; he often associates events taking place in the house with his badness.

In adolescence, parental divorce is perceived especially aggressively, since it affects the teenager’s identification with his peers. Additional trauma comes from the fact that the child is not able to influence the parents’ decision, but he is indirectly involved in all stages of the divorce.

Next, she will have to live with one of the parents, and it is bad if the departed parent was the only support and support for the child, the so-called favorite. It’s good if contact after the divorce is maintained and is quite frequent, but if not... How should a child behave, and how will his psyche be formed when he acts as an “ear” for pouring out Any dissatisfaction of both parents with each other, meetings with the second parent turn into to the next battlefield.

One should not lose sight of material wealth, which can significantly decrease with the departure of a parent. The remaining child is forced to take on additional work, and the child remains even more lonely. And when his grandparents are involved in raising him, he receives an additional set of accusations against one of the parents, and sometimes both.

Not every adult is able to survive such a volume of negative information, but imagine what all this is like for a child... But an adult has a choice to get up and leave, which a child cannot do maybe in principle.

In the presence of older siblings, the younger ones often become, as they say, guiltlessly guilty, because an abnormal one is added to the normal childhood rivalry. For the eldest sibling, blurring the boundaries of the child-parent subsystem becomes a source of problems, since the responsibilities presented to him do not correspond to his age. Often such children stop being children very early.

Psychological assistance

Psychological assistance to a family experiencing a divorce is determined by the dynamics of the process itself and can take various forms:

individual counseling (therapy);
marital counseling (therapy);
group therapy for divorcing spouses and children;
family counseling (therapy).

By coming to a specialist for help, you will receive help to work through feelings of resentment, despair, anger, and guilt. Understand that in a divorce there are always two people to blame. Analyze what and at what point went wrong. You will find internal channels to continue living and find new relationships. A specialist will help you establish new behavior with former relatives.

You will discuss how to treat children in order to reduce the negative consequences of divorce. They will help you understand that it is important for a child to maintain contact with both parents. It is important for a child to know that both parents love him. It is important to conclude a parental agreement that stipulates the degree of participation of each parent in raising the child. It is also important to work with a specialist on the possibility of having a partner with the parent with whom the child lives constantly.

Unfortunately, it is almost impossible to describe all the subtleties of the work of a specialist in a divorce situation.

For those who seek help, it is important to know and understand that the specialist will not judge you or teach you morals. They will help you cope with emotions and help you find the strength to live on. Yes, it takes quite a lot of time, but the result obtained in the consulting process is worth it!

Break up with saving your face

Even parting with your spouse is necessary while preserving your own face and dignity. If you did decide to do this, most likely, it was not unreasonable. Therefore, humiliating yourself, begging, begging, crying and crawling on your knees is not yours. You can cry afterwards. But your spouse will no longer see this.

Don't go to extremes. If a man decides to leave, he will leave anyway. Moreover, his decision does not depend in any way on the number of your children. And in general, the relationship between spouses is one thing, but the connection between the father and his family is another.

He may love his children very much, but become completely cold towards their mother. Therefore, if your chosen one just hinted that he loves someone else and plans to leave for her, this is the main sign that it is time to divorce your husband. How to understand that he is leaving forever? It's simple. He will start a conversation with you on this topic.

Is a break necessary when the passion has passed?

There are times when a woman is tired of monotonous family relationships and looks for an option on the side. In any marriage, the relationship needs to be nurtured. You need to work on them. And when someone doesn’t want to or gets tired of doing this, betrayal occurs. And this applies to both spouses. It is then that on many women’s forums topics arise like “I don’t want a husband, should I get a divorce?”

If your relationship has truly run its course, don't torment your partner. Let him go and go on your own. And the sooner you realize and do this, the sooner you will start a new life with a new person. Otherwise, you will torture your husband and yourself.

Remember, if you don’t love your husband, it’s up to you to decide whether to get a divorce. Another thing is that after a divorce you can literally spread your wings and breathe freely.