Psychology of divorce. This is a stressful situation during which the emotional state of the spouses becomes an obstacle to any joint actions.
Main characteristics of each stage of the divorce process in psychology
There are several phases of divorce:
- searching for a way out of a family crisis and thinking about further actions;
- creating an algorithm for breaking down a family into components;
- termination of cohabitation and division of property.
The first stage is characterized by the development of disharmony between spouses.
Mutual accusations, reluctance to maintain the required level of trust, a negative reaction to any actions of the partner aimed at consolidating the union - all these are behavioral features of this stage. Restructuring of intrafamily relations and redistribution of responsibilities belong to the second stage.
When a decision regarding divorce has already been made and the matter has been transferred to the responsibility of lawyers, the person’s psyche changes greatly depending on the situation created by the lack of confidential communication. A period of denial begins, caused by a strong reaction to events.
This often leads to a kind of numbness for each of the partners: it is not known how to live further, and whether it will be possible to forget about what happened. At the last stage, referred to by psychologists as “separation,” it is customary to divide the entire family structure.
Decisions are made regarding the upbringing of the child and the future place of residence of each participant.
The disintegration of relationships ends, and a rethinking of personal rights occurs. The court allocates no more than 6 months of the divorce process to this stage. This time is quite enough to dot all the points and, if the spouses reach agreement on the most controversial issues and are ready to compromise.
How do men cope with the dissolution of their marriage?
according to research results, much more serious than in women. Perhaps this is due to the fact that the child more often remains with the mother, and this is an additional loss for the father.
If we add to this situation complete freedom in terms of choosing employment and lifestyle, it turns out that a man has too much time left to think about what can no longer be returned. This in turn leads to prolonged depression, from which it is difficult to get out without the help of a professional.
Mental pain, which is often tried to be relieved with drugs and alcohol, turns into aggression and a constant state of stress . If a woman also places all the blame for what happened on her ex-husband, which she is not afraid to tell him straight to his face, the man begins to develop obsessive states.
Even if the husband in the family did not show much zeal for raising his son and did not try to take responsibility for everyday life, this does not mean that he did not strive for this. Why his experiences already at the stage of preparation for a breakup may indicate strong moral trauma.
This does not apply to those men who subsequently consider themselves “liberated” and gain psychological stability as they get rid of family dependence.
How do women cope with breakups?
Divorce is a mutual decision, regardless of who first took the path of betrayal.
Although in a family, one of the spouses is always the root cause, and the entire subsequent process of separation is based on this. The wife, being the stronghold of peace in the family, rarely acts as an initiator and strives more to preserve the union . But the longer this procedure drags on, the more negativity accumulates in the minds of the spouses towards each other.
When the situation becomes tense and simple persuasion no longer works, the woman stops believing in a good future and is very worried about this. The seeming hopelessness is especially evident among single mothers.
And the lack of necessary financial support only aggravates the situation. In these cases, you should not blame the girl when, at the stage of dividing property, she begins to show a very keen interest. After all, she thinks not only about her well-being, but also about the child.
Women, unlike men, know how to get divorced. Their inherent practicality in everyday affairs and maintaining old connections, including with the relatives of their ex-husband, helps maintain moral stability.
But there are exceptions - these are young ladies who take the blame for what happened entirely. They are characterized by alienation, mixed with a feeling of grief and hopelessness, which causes irreparable harm to the psyche.
Psychology of divorce. The position and behavior of spouses after divorce in families with children.
The epidemic of divorces in Russia and frequent requests from clients regarding how to build new relationships after a divorce became the reason for writing this article. Most ex-spouses are faced with the problem of identifying themselves in new relationships related to raising children. Divorce is a time to re-evaluate your mental models and feelings. However, if the collapse of the family occurred due to the fact that roles were blurred and positions were unclear (and the process of family development itself did not resolve these issues), then in this case it is extremely difficult to take new positions.
Divorce, being a severe psychological stress, negatively affects the health of all members of the former family and is among the risks for the development of severe stress. Often, without ending the relationship, ex-spouses continue it in a pathological form, mentally crippling their children. If adequate positions in relation to each other are not formed, the child may have: low self-esteem; feeling of uselessness; reduced social adaptation and immunity. Visible negative symptoms progress: sadness, depression, anxiety, lack of sleep. During this period, the child is afraid of being rejected by his parents; they are haunted by unreasonable fears. In some cases, children are aggressive. All this forms the basis for deep mental trauma.
During the formation of new relationships, it is important to avoid these negative consequences. This is facilitated by managing the focus of attention. As a rule, during a divorce, the attention of the former spouses is concentrated on the negative past. If we are guided by the health of children, we must look to the future. It is important to understand here that new relationships should not be built around the selfishness of the parents (their destructive states), but around the health and future of the children.
Often, members of a former family think that young children do not understand that something is wrong in the family. But this is an illusion. Negative energy and tension are always passed on to children. They try to explain what is happening in accordance with the resources that they have. Sometimes their knowledge is intuitive. And when parents hide the truth from them, children begin to learn to lie. Therefore, it is better to think about what you can give to children after a divorce than, turning your nerves inside out, teaching lessons in lies and fruitlessly “wasting” with emotions.
In family relationships, each party plays different roles - mother, lover, friend, daddy, head of the family, etc. However, with the cessation of close relationships, the current situation “takes away” many of these roles. In families with children, there remain two clear, defined positions - father and mother. Let us dwell on the important components of the new relationship, which indicate the positions: “Mother of the child” and “Father of the child.”
Referring to each other in society
No matter how difficult it may be for ex-spouses to communicate, the designation of the child's other parent should stem from respect and an accepted position. A child needs this, albeit artificial respect. Basic designations: “father of the child”, “mother of the child”. Failure to accept such an identity in a new relationship hurts all family members. Only when a person understands and accepts that he is connected with his ex-partner only by a child (and not by destructive feelings), only then can we talk about the formation of new behavior within the framework of a given role and a new model of relationships.
It is unacceptable to talk badly about each other. To do this means to destroy the child’s psyche. It is also important to stop any conversations from other people who negatively evaluate your ex-spouse, especially if this happens in front of a child.
Communication with children and each other
The main meaning (motive) of building and developing new relationships is the mental and physical health of children. The general principle here is equal access of parents to children. However, the fact that divorce is a strong stress - communication is endowed with new qualities that contribute not to an increase in stress, but to its reduction. In this regard, it is necessary to “be closer” to the child in order to monitor his mental state, paying attention to his behavior and correcting it. During a divorce, it is necessary to communicate more with the child and spend time with him so that he does not feel abandoned. It must be indicated that divorce is the decision of the parents, and not the handicap of the child (what the child may think about). It should be understood that any devaluation of communication with the “wrong” parent or its limitation negatively affects the child (of course, this does not mean cases where the parent is in an inadequate mental state).
Often parents, experiencing negative feelings and emotions, begin to broadcast them to a child who does not understand the situation. If you can easily and simply explain to the children that dad will live there and mom will live here, then the child will perceive this as the norm. But if the parent does not cope with their condition, the child will receive a message that something incomprehensible and tragic is happening.
Communication with a child is communication that shapes his personality and future. But communication between ex-spouses also affects children, so it is necessary to restrain the manifestation of destructive emotions.
In communication with each other, spouses make decisions regarding the present and future child. This is associated with clarification of information, exchange of opinions, and conclusion of contracts. It is not advisable to consult regarding other contexts.
Financial and other obligations
Parents follow the agreements that were reached during the negotiation process. Often the resolution of financial issues is a consequence of a court order. Violation of agreements (which is unacceptable) can be in two ways: - refusal of obligations (for example, non-payment of alimony); - issuing more security. Both of these cases can pose a risk to the psychological well-being of children. The first is more understandable - if a partner in a new relationship violates agreements, this forms a negative attitude towards him, which is transmitted to children (this lowers their self-esteem and creates fear of the future). The second option gives the recipient additional obligations for which he may not be ready (thereby disrupting the balance in the new system).
Intimacy
Sex and flirting are unacceptable in a new relationship. It is necessary to be guided by socially acceptable norms and boundaries of contact. So, a kiss is a sexually charged act that can cause ex-spouses to “fall into” the “old new” relationship. This involves breaking boundaries and losing the new role. At the beginning of the period of formation of a new relationship, any physical contact is undesirable. But if they are completely limited, this can negatively affect a child who is used to seeing how spouses express themselves in the intimate sphere.
Accommodation
The residence of former spouses and children is determined by the possibilities and solution of the housing issue, the agreements reached. Living together (if it is possible to live separately) is undesirable, because deprives former spouses of the opportunity to form new families. Living together, there is always a temptation to “discuss further”, to make sure that you are right, to prove that the other is wrong. But the logic of divorce suggests that both partners bear responsibility for the breakdown of the family. Therefore, these goals cannot be achieved.
Therefore, it is better to agree on the frequency of meetings. Moreover, if manipulation by one of the parties occurs in the style: “You haven’t come for a long time, but the child is crying” (which may indicate an attempt to reconstruct the relationship) - it is necessary to stop this manipulation. An example of an agreement: a father meets with his son 2 times a week for 2-3 hours.
Confidentiality of personal information
Any attempts to find out information about the personal space of the former partner (for example, about work, new contacts in the personal sphere, communication with friends) should be suppressed. Often, friends who have their own motives begin to bombard their ex-spouses with information. This practice must be stopped. Being in another person's personal space is fruitless and creates negativity.
Information that relates to the child and is necessary for the other party to make decisions must be clarified. What should a corresponding agreement be concluded about?
Personal belongings and documents
Other people's things are the personal space of another person. You cannot take them and manipulate them. If the father of a child asks his ex-wife to iron his shirt, then this is an invitation into his intimate world. Again, such automatism will not allow new relationships to form. Often one of the former spouses leaves their things with the other. This situation may be perceived as intolerable and create the ground for conflict. Therefore, all personal belongings must be removed from the personal space of the ex-spouse (apartment, house or car) immediately.
In the event of a divorce, there should be no “responsible” storage of documents by one of the parties. All documents are copied and notarized. Arranging relationships around some documents is prohibited. If the partner refuses to issue documents, they must be restored in accordance with the established procedure independently.
Rest and leisure
Rest is a type of intimate space. Every person has his own preferences. In addition, it is unbearable to rest when the ex-partner is trying to create a new relationship with another person. However, joint recreation is important for the purposes of education and communication with the child. It is very important for a child to prove to others and to himself that everything is fine with him, that he is from a normal family. This is visible when both parents are present. However, depending on the degree of comfort, you need to have agreements on this issue. Therefore, it is important to identify the goals of shared leisure time related to the needs of the child.
Cooking for each other
Food is an element of a person’s intimate space. Therefore, its joint preparation and consumption (which has symbolic overtones) is undesirable. However, if there is a “table” at which father, mother and children sit, this has a certain meaning for their development (there is a need for this - symbolism of integrity appears). Therefore, by additional agreement, such time is possible (but only when the participants have adapted to their roles).
Help each other
The idea that one should help another comes from caring for him. At the beginning of forming a relationship, it is important to help yourself take the right position. Only when you are sure that you have ended your old relationship, that you stick only to the role of the father or mother of the children, only then should you help your ex-partner.
Financial assistance to the other spouse comes from a position of strength. It is unacceptable. Such concern hides the need to control another person. Ideally, help is only possible regarding the child!
However, there are circumstances when one of the spouses (usually a woman) was supported by the other. In this situation, a transitional model should be agreed upon. So that after a certain time the woman does not have financial dependence on her husband. And she was able to adapt to the new situation, work and have sufficient income for her and her children to live a decent life.
It is impossible to describe all the contexts affecting the formation of new relationships after divorce. In civilized Western countries, psychotherapeutic mediation in divorce cases has long been developed. This kind of work allows you to get away from negative emotional involvement, build the right relationships and preserve the child’s health. Psychological work makes it possible to establish new rules of relationships, come to agreement on issues of communication with them and with each other, common property, and resolve other issues.
Pavel Ponomarev
04/14/2013
Common reasons for divorce
Whatever one may say, the main reasons why hundreds of families break up every year are banal. Among them:
- domestic conflicts;
- financial problems;
- cooling of feelings;
- sexual dissatisfaction;
- youth and inexperience of partners;
- betrayal;
- alcoholism, drug addiction;
- childlessness.
Any reason entails a conflict, which, if not resolved, turns into protracted misunderstanding and inability to find a compromise. Numerous quarrels and scandals devastate both partners, and it happens that, it seems, the conflict has already been resolved, but there is no longer a desire to be together.
Which families are at risk: divorce statistics
According to statistics, a third of families break up. The top risk group is occupied by couples who have been married for 3-6 years and have a small child . Alas, children do not prevent separation; on the contrary, they can cause divorce.
In second place are married couples whose experience is 20-25 years. Over the years, the couple have already raised children and are looking for new life guidelines. Surprisingly, families without children break up the least often when the reason for the breakup is the desire to have their own children.
Many families are at risk of divorce. Some people have minimal chances for a happy future from the moment they get married. This includes marriages due to pregnancy or early marriages, when the partners are still too young and do not know what exactly they want from life.
Psychologists recommend not to rush to go to the registry office if lovers have been dating for a short time. Additional time will allow the couple to get to know each other better and recognize each other's shortcomings. The family will be strong when the bride and groom know what disadvantages of their other half they will have to put up with.
A good reason for divorce may be the selfish interest of the chosen one . If a woman is beautiful and charming, she will not want to keep the family together so that her lover can assert himself at her expense.
Emotional codependency also destroys the family unit . Such relationships are inherently unhealthy. Probably, in order for partners to be self-sufficient and understand what true love is, they will need the help of a psychologist.
If the basis of a family is not love, sincere feelings, it is doomed to collapse. A young lady can enjoy her husband’s status and financial condition, but over time, disappointment, anger, and irritation accumulate, which will one day burst out.
Unfortunately, today the institution of marriage is not considered inviolable. In the first years of family life, 40% of couples break up, and in the first decade - more than 60%.
Statistics say that people who got married before the age of thirty value their family more than those who got married after 30. In adulthood, it is much more difficult to adapt to the chosen one, put up with his shortcomings, give up some of his habits, and take into account only your needs, but also the needs of your loved one. It is more difficult for people over 30 to get used to the role of a family man, especially if they have had no experience of family life before.
Leave your husband or endure it. A very common situation is when a woman has been thinking about breaking up with her disgusted husband for years, but such a radical act remains only in her dreams. Taking responsibility and taking initiative can be quite difficult. Usually all women are scared by the same thoughts.
Gambling addiction of a spouse as a reason for divorce: legal aspects of divorce
Article on the topic: Divorce
Gambling addiction (otherwise known as gambling addiction) is a painful condition characterized by a behavioral disorder that is associated with a pathological dependence on the game.
All previously existing disputes about whether or not gambling addiction should be classified as a disease were dispelled by the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10). In this document, the 5th class of “mental disorders and behavioral disorders” under code F 63.0 includes a pathological attraction to gambling, therefore, currently, gambling addiction is a medical diagnosis. Unlike alcohol and drug addiction, with gambling addiction only a psychological dependence on the game is formed, but, nevertheless, it can be very pronounced. Like any disease, gambling addiction goes through several stages, the last of which is characterized by a persistent pathological dependence on the gaming process itself, i.e. the person no longer cares about the final result (he does not play for the sake of winning). There is no record of the number of such patients in our country, therefore there are no statistically reliable data on the incidence of gambling addiction in the population. It is believed that it is possible to cure a gambling addict, but relapses of the disease are very likely. However, all medical calculations are little consolation for those families where one of the spouses (but more often men) suffers from gambling addiction. Sometimes there are cases when, in order to satisfy his passion for gambling, a spouse spends all the family savings, and this, in turn, can serve as a reason (or reason) for dissolving the marriage with a gambling addict.
If we talk in general about the possible legal aspects of the impact on a gambling addict on the part of the second spouse, then we should immediately clarify: despite the fact that gambling addiction is a mental behavioral disorder, the law will not be able to recognize such a spouse as incompetent. Also, despite the fact that a spouse suffering from gambling addiction and losing family money leads a wasteful lifestyle, which puts the family in a difficult financial situation, he cannot be recognized as having limited legal capacity. Russian legislation establishes restrictions on legal capacity only for people who abuse drugs and alcoholic beverages: this rule of law is not subject to an expanded interpretation.
Therefore, in order to possibly limit marital spending on the gambling business, only two approaches can be acceptable: the radical method (divorce and division of property) and the palliative method (division of marital property without dissolution of the marriage). If we talk about the division of property without divorce, then legally this process can be carried out at any time during marriage and family relations (clause 1 of Article 38 of the Family Code). Such a division can be voluntary (formulated by a written agreement of the spouses) or occur in a court hearing (fixed in a court decision). By using the services of a family lawyer, you can try to prove in court proceedings that the gambling spouse was wasteful in spending the common property, without caring at all about the interests of the family. A competent substantiation of the existing facts and the presentation of appropriate arguments can influence a court decision in which the court deviates from the principle of equality of marital shares.
In cases where the spouse's wastefulness associated with gambling has acquired the proportions of a universal catastrophe in a single family, a divorce may be required. From a legal point of view, divorce from a spouse suffering from gambling addiction does not have any characteristic features. When mutual agreement has been reached on divorce (and there are no young children in the family), the spouses will need to visit the registry office together. It is most convenient to do this at your place of residence, but you can also submit an application to the authority that registered the marriage relationship.
If there are children and/or the spouse does not agree to the divorce, you will need to obtain a court decision. To do this, you will have to file a claim in the appropriate court. You can determine the jurisdiction of your case in accordance with Articles 23, 24 and 29-32 of the Civil Procedure Code or simply by consulting with a family law lawyer. The spouse's demands for divorce are always subject to satisfaction, but if the court can be convinced that it is impossible to save the family, then a divorce can be obtained already at the first court hearing (the court will not give time for reconciliation of the parties). Based on the court decision and the application of one of the spouses, the registry office will issue a divorce certificate.
During a court hearing related to divorce, you can immediately raise the issue of dividing joint property. In the event that property disputes were not considered in court, the spouses can make a division within three years after the divorce process (Clause 7, Article 38 of the Family Code). However, it is still not worth putting off the division of property with a spouse who is a gambling addict, otherwise after some time the joint marital property to be divided may simply not be available.
Other articles on the topic: Divorce
What to do if you can’t cope with resentment
In this case, if you allow yourself to grieve and constantly be in a dejected state, then you will suffer for a very long time. Let go of your pain. Try to look at this situation as one of the ways to reconsider your abilities and make changes in your life that will be necessary for you in the future.
However, before making such a serious decision as separation, ask yourself whether you have done everything to save your marriage. It is better if two spouses or lovers work on this issue. Try sitting down calmly with your spouse and discussing the situation? Have you tried counseling, individually or as a couple? Have you talked to a psychologist, social worker, pastor, or trusted family friend who can provide the necessary environment to work through this issue? If you have children, consider the impact your decision will have on them. And never sacrifice them!
Advice from a crisis psychologist during divorce
For most people, it's a shock when the connection breaks down. Even if you think that you have already tried everything and nothing has changed, the decision you made to break up will remain with you for a long time. It may take several months before you actually start to sink. During this time, people often cannot find themselves, fantasizing about reunion and reconciliation or about responsibilities and mutual recriminations.
Understanding why your relationship could not be saved is the first step towards recovery. Many people ask the question: who is to blame? What did I do wrong? How could they do this to me? It's understandable to ask yourself these questions, but a more constructive approach is to focus on relationships rather than individual responsibility.
How to survive a divorce from your husband: go through all the stages
In every person’s life there are problems that are extremely difficult to cope with, but going through a divorce from your husband is considered the most difficult test. The death of loved ones is at the highest level, but divorce from a husband is a little lower and, by the way, it is even higher than unexpected dismissal from work. Every woman, after the destruction of her family, wonders how to survive a divorce from her husband. In our article you can find not only the answer to this question, but also make sure that life does not end there.
First, let us warn you that psychologists distinguish five stages that a person experiences during loss. All these stages should be lived through and there is no need to try to show yourself as strong (for show, like I’m so invulnerable) and jump over these stages. The time needed to overcome each stage will be needed differently, because it all depends on the duration of the marriage and the relationship during the marriage.
The main rule is to take care of yourself and start spending more time on yourself (read here), and not think about how things are going with your husband. Well, let’s begin to consider all the stages that a woman will have to go through after a divorce.
Feeling of shock and complete denial of the current situation
This is the very first stage and probably one of the most difficult, because when a person is in a state of shock, he is unable to think sensibly. Emotions at this moment are difficult to control and everything can be aggravated to dire consequences. After the peak of the state of shock passes and the woman calms down, then denial begins. Everything around seems unreal, and the future does not exist at all. Those around her will try to reason with the girl, but all her arguments are sheer nonsense. The moment of inadequacy is simply overwhelming.
Attacks of anger and resentment
The second stage is no less serious and everyone will have to go through it, because controlling your anger is not so easy. Spontaneous attacks of anger develop into unquenchable anger at the ex-spouse. All the worst moments come to mind, and self-deprecation begins. It’s as if the woman opens her eyes to the man’s past actions, which seemed ordinary to her. () She begins to suffer not only from memories, but also from lost time with a good-for-nothing young man. Feelings of resentment can lead to serious depression as well as self-blame.
Obsession with blaming yourself for everything
It is not strange that this stage is a continuation of the previous one, because when the anger and resentment towards the ex-husband ends, it is time to look for problems in oneself. The equator of all stages is the most dangerous and it can become a return to the first stage. It’s simple, because the girl begins to endlessly look for flaws in herself and tries to hammer into her head that she did the wrong thing. The danger lies not in thoughts, but in actions, and a woman will definitely want to correct far-fetched mistakes. This desire to meet and explain, to call and talk, and this can end in tears.
Gray days have arrived, and depression has crept in unnoticed.
As you understand, after all these stages comes the realization that the past cannot be returned and this makes you very worried. The former family remains only in memory, but the loving husband has long been living his own life. It is painful to realize this, but it is necessary, because every divorced woman needs to experience this. Depression affects everyone differently and you need to focus on this. This state can reach the boiling point, and the help of relatives or friends will be useless. (you need to contact specialists) At the initial stages, relatives and friends are a good panacea.
Long-awaited and adequate acceptance of reality
Having gone through all the stages, you will reach a healing acceptance of reality. This feeling is indescribable and it can work wonders. All feelings come into order, and thoughts become healthy and sober. A person begins to understand that what happened is not a mistake, but a vital necessity for creating a successful future. After this moment has arrived, the woman will feel as if she has breathed in a breath of fresh air, and past problems have simply disappeared. The path to a new and happy life is open.
Decision making: initial stage
The phase of termination of family relationships is the best option for solving a family crisis if the contradictions that have arisen during the existence of the family are insoluble.
However, these phases are characterized by an increase in disharmony and destructiveness, which becomes a consequence of the loss of feelings and an increase in the partners’ hostility towards each other.
For the most part, it is the fading of feelings that contributes to this process. However, often one of the parties' feelings remain, while the other's feelings fade away. Thinking and subsequent decision-making lasts for several days or years, it all depends on the degree of the family crisis. At this moment, the partners realize the extent of the crisis and the possibility of the family existing as a single whole.
There is an increase in confrontation, during which both sides express demands and claims against each other. At this moment, the question of the need for decisive action is raised. This phase also applies to informing a partner about divorce, which causes the other to be in a state of shock and worry about this matter. The decision is made immediately by one of the spouses. Sometimes a series of negotiations follows with the acceptance of a deferment.
What to do after a divorce
So, all stages of the divorce process have been completed. It would seem that it’s time to exhale and calm down, but now the person is left alone with his experiences. Most often, depression strikes at this moment. The years spent together are not so easy to throw away from life. Rest assured that it is just as difficult for your ex-other half.
Often, having received a divorce, people radically change their lifestyle: some turn from being quiet and a homebody into an avid party-goer, others, on the contrary, withdraw into themselves and isolate themselves from the outside world, others plunge headlong into work or actively search for new relationships. . All these steps are fundamentally wrong. Of course, it is necessary to distract yourself from bad thoughts, but you should not go to extremes.
Some women and men begin to follow the new life of their ex-spouse with manic obsession, which only harms their own psychological state.
Another big mistake in the behavior of spouses after a divorce is attempts to turn children against the other parent. Such actions greatly destroy the child’s psyche, so under any circumstances you need to tell the child that mom and dad love him. As a last resort, refrain from making any comments about your ex-spouse.
